30th Anniversary TNG Episode Discussion Marathon

[Nate the Great]

O'BRIEN: Just talk with her. Make her see reason. She's going off half-cocked, not thinking this through. You've worked with her for a long time. She respects your opinion.

Even if Keiko is nominally in Data's department, I can't imagine why they'd have much interaction besides her giving him reports.

DATA [OC]: Commander Maddox, I noted that Keiko was quite calm and rational when she informed me of her decision this morning. Therefore, I can predict that she will respond to an objective analysis of the situation based on the available facts. It is fortunate that she has not let emotional considerations cloud her judgement. It should make my task much simpler.

Haha, pride goeth before the fall, Data!

DATA [OC]: In many ways, Deanna Troi is the friend that I understand the least. Her life and her duties are predicated on her understanding and perception of emotions. Since I have none, no doubt she finds me as much of a mystery as I find her.

A good insight.

DATA: Chief O'Brien talks to me. Keiko talks to you. Why do they not talk to each other?

And another!

DATA: In an effort to be helpful, I am attempting to calculate the variables involved in a successful marriage.
TROI: Good luck.

The belief that everything can be reduced to equations is a classic source of hubris. It's a good thing that Data is immune to hubris. Nice bit of sarcasm from Troi.

DATA: There are many opinions. On Galvin Five, a marriage is considered successful only if children are produced within a year of the wedding. Andorian marriages require groups of four people unless

I do hate Data's recitations of irrelevant and only tangentially-related factoids. Only mention of Galvin V, you'd think there'd be a short story devoted to it by now...

DATA: Do you believe it to be the right decision for them to marry?
TROI: I don't know. They're very much in love, but sometimes that isn't enough. Marriage is an agreement to share who you are with someone else. To spend your lives together. To grow old together.

Oh, how the times have changed, and I can't say that I like how they have. These days 15 years is about the median, with a third getting to 25 years. And remember that people live longer in the 24th century.

DATA: Although I am an android, I have not excluded the possibility that I, too, may someday marry.
TROI: Data, I had no idea you'd thought about getting married.
DATA: I believe I have much to offer a potential mate. However, we cannot grow old together because I will not grow old.
TROI: Data, you do have a lot to offer.

The problem with this is that he hasn't even tried a romantic relationship yet. He doesn't have a clue about how marriages really work.

T'PEL: What is the field strength of the ship's deflector shields at maximum output?

You know, you'd think the Romulans would know that already.

O'BRIEN: The signal lock wasn't broken, sir. I had just entered the transfer sequence when the Ambassador's pattern began to break up.

"Entered the transfer sequence" implies that the Enterprises's transporter was in operation. Later they'll imply that the Romulan transporter was operating independently, not hacking into the pattern within the Enterprise's transporter.

CRUSHER: Her molecular structure dissipated instantly once the pattern was lost. There were some organic compounds left on the pad, but there wasn't enough material to do an autopsy.

How are there organic compounds left at all? A lost pattern indicates that the matter was already in the ship's pattern buffer. Which is impossible if the Romulans beamed her off the pad. And are we to believe that the transporter scans the person, dissolves them into atoms, THEN transports them away? That's one too many steps.

MENDAK [on viewscreen]: Well played, Captain well played. Starfleet opposes normalisation of relations with the Romulan Empire, and so you are ordered to create an accident.

Um, if Starfleet didn't want peace the Enterprise wouldn't be here in the first place. Furthermore, the Federation doesn't need to stage an accident to avoid peace with the Romulans, they just need to refuse to show up.

DATA: I could be chasing an untamed ornithoid without a cause.
CRUSHER: A wild-goose chase?

These jokes get tiring sometimes.

DATA: The only abnormality found during my investigation was a temporary increase in the matter to energy signal ratio. Due to the circumstances, I decided to investigate the possibility that a second transporter signal had caused the fluctuation. Although this was highly improbable, it was the only remaining theory.

So T'Pel (or should I say Selok) initiated transport with the Enterprise's equipment. Then the Romulans highjacked the signal and did a bait-and-switch with it. I'm sorry, but that just can't work, not without leaving the passenger a pile of goo on the transporter pad. Furthermore, the Enterprise's equipment should've noticed more than they did.

PICARD: Since the days of the first wooden sailing ships, all captains have enjoyed the happy privilege of joining together two people in the bonds of matrimony. And so it is my honour to unite you, Keiko Ishikawa, and you, Miles Edward O'Brien, together in matrimony.

I like the reuse of the "Balance of Terror" wedding ceremony. And given the pre-Internet stage of the fandom, the creators had no obligation to use it. It's almost like Trek gets worse when the creators have distain for the legacy of the franchise...

DATA: The Juarez child?
PICARD: A boy. At the same time we were facing destruction, this small miracle was taking place. Welcome aboard.

Wow, the Borg really did mellow him out.

Memory Alpha

* First appearance of Keiko. I don't like this any more than Ogawa getting married offscreen and getting pregnant is such a short period of time.
* The Bolian barber in this episode is V'Sal. The Star Trek Encyclopedia thought that he was still Mot.
* Memory Alpha also did the math with the ship's launch and the Festival of Lights.
* Since the transporter set was being redressed for use in Star Trek VI, the appearance of the set varies throughout the episode.

Nitpicker's Guide

* What's the point in lower lighting levels for Night Shift, anyway?
* And if the lights are lowered a third of the day, how likely is it that all major events in the series occur during day shift (it's not like Worf would have full control over the lights, right?)
* Why was Data able to come into Sickbay during a prenatal exam? Shouldn't Lieutenant Juarez get some privacy? (I might add, doesn't Sickbay have supplemental room for this kind of thing?

[Nate the Great]

January 28th, 1991, "The Wounded"

I have to say it, I hate the Cardassian uniforms in this episode. Furthermore it's just silly that Cardassians wear armor at all times. You gotta pity poor Marc Alaimo, especially when he had to stagger around a desert in that thing.

Fiver (by Marc)

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 44429.6. We are on a mapping survey near the Cardassian sector. It has been nearly a year since a peace treaty ended the long conflict between the Federation and Cardassia.

Really? Then why didn't the Federation ask the Cardassians for help during the Borg invasion?

This has to be the clumsiest introduction of a new galactic power ever. Furthermore, why did it take TWO YEARS for Cardassia to leave Bajor?

PICARD: Last time I was in this sector, I was on the Stargazer, running at warp speed ahead of a Cardassian warship.
TROI: Running, Captain? You? That's hard to believe.
PICARD: Believe it. I'd been sent to make preliminary overtures to a truce. I'd lowered my shields as a gesture of good will. But the Cardassians were not impressed. They had taken out most of my weapons and damaged the impulse engines before I could regroup and run.

What an idiot. Both for lowering the shields and waiting for that much damage to happen before leaving.

And as a meaningless aside, the Constellation-class model in his ready room isn't the Stargazer. The model is NCC-7100, the Stargazer was NCC-2893. We are explicitly told that the only two ships he's ever commanded were the Stargazer and the E-D, so what was the NCC-2893? Another Constellation-class that he served on before the Stargazer?

WORF: The Cardassians have no honour. I do not trust them.
TROI: They're our allies now, Mister Worf. We have to trust them.
WORF: Trust is earned, not given away.

I have to agree with Worf here. It's also funny to think about how much more experience he'll have with Cardassians in the future.

O'BRIEN: What is it?
KEIKO: Kelp buds, plankton loaf and sea berries.
O'BRIEN: Sweetheart, I'm not a fish.
KEIKO: It's very healthy. I had this every morning when I was growing up.

Is Keiko a vegetarian? And incidentally, they've been married two weeks, they haven't had to deal with their tastes in breakfast until now?

Also, the stuff on the plate isn't kelp buds, plankton loaf, and sea berries. It's boiled taro (a root vegetable), pickled cucumber, and seaweed with sesame seeds.

O'BRIEN: What? No muffins or oatmeal, or corned beef and eggs?
KEIKO: For breakfast?
...
O'BRIEN: Scalloped potatoes, mutton shanks, oxtails and cabbage.
KEIKO: Kind of heavy.

You have to admit that Keiko is diplomatic. She sounds like a pescatarian, and that kind of food would sound disgusting to me if I was a pescatarian.

O'BRIEN: Oh, you'll love it, I promise. I can still remember the aromas when my mother was cooking.
KEIKO: She cooked?
O'BRIEN: She didn't believe in a replicator. She thought real food was more nutritious.
KEIKO: She handled real meat? She touched it and cut it?

Ugh. There's a whole other issue here. We've seen plenty of people who prefer making food from scratch if possible, but most people in this era seem to be replicator-only.

So Keiko has never touched real meat? She's only eaten replicated fish? I thought her family was a bit more traditional than that.

PICARD: Why have you fired on us?
MACET [on viewscreen]: A curious question, Captain. In war, one attacks one's enemies.
PICARD: There is a treaty between our peoples.
MACET [on viewscreen]: Perhaps that fact was unknown to the Federation starship which destroyed our space station in the Cuellar System two days ago.

Um, if you intend to restart the war, you have to let the other side know about it. Picard didn't know that you considered yourself at war again.

HADEN [on monitor]: They've granted you safe passage. We've agreed that you'll take along a delegation of observers as a show of good faith. Jean-Luc, I don't have to tell you the Federation is not prepared for a new sustained conflict. You must preserve the peace, no matter what the cost. Haden out.

I really hate it when the "good guys" say "whatever the cost." That's just inviting fate to make sure that the cost is larger than you think.

PICARD: Counsellor, I want you to stay as close to the crew as possible. Some of them may feel uncomfortable with Cardassians on board. I don't want any incidents.

I thought prejudice didn't exist anymore!

PICARD: Mister Data, is there anyone else on board who served previously with Captain Benjamin Maxwell?
DATA: Accessing. Chief O'Brien served under his command aboard the Rutledge, sir.

You'd think this would've been in the mission briefing Hayden sent.

RIKER: Welcome to the Enterprise. I'm First Officer William Riker, Counsellor Deanna Troi.
MACET: I am Gul Macet. My aides, Glinn Daro, Glinn Telle.

The usage of "Glinn" for "Commander" doesn't happen very often. I have to wonder if they have an equivalent of "Lieutenant Commander" that is also appreviated to "Glinn".

LAFORGE: And with long range sensors, we've been scanning a radius of ten light years. We can effectively scan one sector in a day.

A sector is twenty light-years to a side. So that's twenty-seven positions that the Enterprise has to occupy. It takes almost an hour to find anything large enough to be a ship within sensor range?

This is why you never give real numbers in situations like me, it invites twits like me to Do The Math.

MACET: Captain Picard, you can understand that we are sceptical. Do you expect us to believe that you are using every means at your disposal to track down one of your own?

You shouldn't, because Picard is obviously prolonging this process. Either that or the writers have no sense of scale and the Okudas never corrected them.

DARO: In the meantime, we're going to your Ten Forward. Will you join us?
O'BRIEN: If my Commander tells me to discuss the Transporter with you, I will. If Captain Picard orders me to tell you everything I know about Ben Maxwell, I will. But who I choose to spend my free time with, that's my business.

Well, that's just rude. I get that Miles is uncomfortable, but I expect better of him.

MACET: We have a number of ships in sector twenty one five oh five. If you will give us more precise coordinates and the ship's coded transponder frequency, we would be able to intercept Maxwell far more quickly than you.
PICARD: I'm sure that's true. However, given the circumstances, I would prefer to make the initial contact myself.

I'm with Macet on this one. He's not asking for the full specs on Starfleet weapons, he's asking for a way to locate one rogue ship. Picard is just making himself look like one of those "on this mission I'm not doing one little bit more than I've been ordered to do" types. Kirk asking the Klingons over for dinner in Undiscovered Country comes to mind immediately.

O'BRIEN: (sings) The minstrel boy to the war has gone...

The Minstrel-Boy to the war is gone,
In the ranks of death you'll find him;
His father's sword he has girded on,
And his wild harp slung behind him.
"Land of song!" said the warrior-bard,
"Tho' all the world betrays thee,
One sword, at least, thy rights shall guard,
One faithful harp shall praise thee!"

The Minstrel fell!—but the foeman's chain
Could not bring that proud soul under;
The harp he lov'd ne'er spoke again,
For he tore its chords asunder;
And said, "No chains shall sully thee,
Thou soul of love and bravery!
Thy songs were made for the pure and free,
They shall never sound in slavery.

Incidentally, in DS9 the tune became a leitmotif for O'Brien.

[Nate the Great]

O'BRIEN: I guess it's all this business with him and the Cardassians brought it back to me. You know, sitting with the staff this morning, I could tell there were people in that room who still don't like the Cardassians.
KEIKO: I imagine that's to be expected.
O'BRIEN: You do?
KEIKO: Sure. The war lasted a long time. That takes its toll on people.

We have no idea when the war started, beyond "before Setlik III in 2357." One thing I don't like is Miles acting like he's not one of the one who doesn't like the Cardassians.

You also have to wonder which of the senior staff has prior experience with the Cardassians. Riker probably knows most of the facts, but has little direct experience with them. We have no clue if the Potemkin fought in the war. This might be Worf's first experience with them. Troi and Geordi are too young to have much experience (and remember that Geordi was hanging around Starbases shuttling people around before the E-D). Who knows about Data. I get the feeling that Beverly hadn't served on a ship for awhile before the Enterprise.

DATA: It appears it be a Cardassian supply ship.
MACET: How would you know that?
PICARD: We are able to make that determination.
MACET: You can read our transponder codes.

Or, y'know, supply ships have a wildly different warp signature than Galor-class cruisers. Macet needs to dial it back a notch.

PICARD: Very well. Mister Worf, relay the prefix codes of the Phoenix to the Cardassian warship.
WORF: Sir, they will be able to dismantle its shields. The Phoenix will not have a chance.

Yeah, Worf, that's kinda the point. Stop being an idiot. Besides, you should be in favor of a traitorous ship being destroyed!

PICARD: Ben Maxwell. He must be quite a man.
O'BRIEN: He's a rare one, all right. I count myself lucky, sir. I've served with the two finest Captains in Starfleet.

I know he hasn't met Sisko yet, but seriously, Maxwell is getting way too much praise piled on him. Besides, the episode is half over and we haven't met him yet. At least in "Arena" we've met the Gorn captain (S'salk or S'slee, depending on who you ask) by now.

O'BRIEN: I'd say he took it well. Oh, I know he was broken up inside, who wouldn't be? But you'd never know it to see him. He never missed a minute's duty, always had a smile, a joke.

You know, it's really out of character for O'Brien to be this blind to the faults of his superior officers. It's not even like you can use the "he was young" excuse like Riker and Pressman, he is 39 at this point.

PICARD: You don't care for the Cardassians?
O'BRIEN: I like them fine. It's just, well, I know them. You learn to watch your back when you're around those people.

"Those people". You can tell Roddenberry is gone at this point.

PICARD: I think when one has been angry for a very long time, one gets used to it. And it becomes comfortable, like old leather. And, finally, it becomes so familiar that one can't ever remember feeling any other way.

A good line, but I can't help but feel that now isn't the time for it. Furthermore, if the idea is to start making O'Brien aware of his blind devotion to Maxwell, this isn't the time or place for it.

O'BRIEN: Kanar. I never could develop a taste for it.

That's because the stuff in the bottle is colored corn syrup. Alaimo and Biggs had problems drinking it.

TELLE: A lie, Gul Macet. I was studying the terminal interface systems. They're more efficient than ours.

Well, yeah, the Federation believes in big screens with full LCARS interfaces. DS9 doesn't have those.

MAXWELL: Then listen to this. The Cardassians are arming again. That so-called science station? Military supply port.
PICARD: How do you know this?
MAXWELL: Information comes my way.
PICARD: From whom? Where is your documentation?
MAXWELL: I know what they're doing. I can smell it.

So...you have no documentation. You just tried to start a war because of unsubstantiated facts. Have fun at your court-martial!

PICARD: You have killed nearly seven hundred people and you have taken us to the brink of war.
MAXWELL: I have prevented war, or at the very least delayed it a good long time.

How? The Cardassian fleet still exists, and they want to start the war up again thanks to you!

PICARD: And so all alone you decided to dispose of the treaty.
MAXWELL: I took the initiative.

Not your call, Maxwell. I hope Picard is recording this for the shortest court-martial on record.

MAXWELL: When it becomes clear what the Cardassians have done, I will be vindicated.

Yeah, no. The Cardassians will kill you before you can prove or disprove anything!

PICARD: I will permit you the dignity of retaining your command during the voyage.

This is stupid. Then again, if people known to be guilty of court-martial offenses are allowed to retain command, it would go a long way to explaining why Janeway has a ship.

RIKER: He'd never drop his shields and allow you to transport on board.
O'BRIEN: The Phoenix is using a high energy sensor system. It cycles every five point five minutes. Between cycles there's a window of a fiftieth of a second. Trust me, I can get through.

A fiftieth of a second? That's not enough time to even START initializing the matter stream! Besides, what does the cycling of the sensor system have to do with the shields? Are you telling me that the sensors are outputting so much energy that every 5.5 minutes the shields have to drop a bit to bleed off some of it?

MAXWELL: But he'd turn his weapons on a Federation Starship to protect the enemy?

What enemy? They signed a peace treaty a YEAR ago!

MAXWELL: We're not the same at all. We do not start wars. We do not make surprise attacks on manned outposts. We do not butcher women and children in their homes. Children who never got the chance to grow up. You were with me on Setlick. You saw what they did.

Whether Starfleet has done these things is another discussion. I don't know enough about Discovery, but I know that Enterprise once deliberately stole a warp coil and left a ship adrift. That was pretty awful.

Captain's log, supplemental. Captain Maxwell has turned his ship over to his First Officer and transported aboard the Enterprise. I have confined him to quarters for the return voyage.

When Maxwell disobeyed Picard the first time he forfeited the right to be confined to quarters. Throw him in a cell!

The Fiver

O'Brien: This is breakfast?
Keiko: Yup. Kelp buds, plankton loaf and sea berries.
O'Brien: Mind if I put some gagh on it to improve the taste?

What kind of gagh would be good with breakfast? Bithool has feet, Filden squirms, Meshta jumps, Torgud wiggles, Wistan which is packed in targ blood...

Keiko: This is supper?
O'Brien: Yup. Potato casserole with capers.
Keiko: Mind if I wash it down with some kanar?

Well, corn syrup would certainly cover the taste...

Memory Alpha

There were a number of deleted scenes, but oddly enough not any about Miles and Keiko resolving their images of proper breakfast food. What was the point of that again?

Nitpicker's Guide

* How come the Phoenix's dedication plaque is in the ready room?

[Nate the Great]

February 4th, 1991, "Devil's Due"

Let me just say, I don't like this one. People pretending to be gods when actual gods like Q, Travellers, and Douwds are running around gets old real quick when not written properly, and Ardra is NOT written properly.

Fiver (by FatMatDuhRat)


The Episode

MARLEY: You don't believe in me.
DATA: I don't.
MARLEY: What evidence would you have of my reality beyond that of your senses?
DATA: I don't know.
MARLEY: Why do you doubt your senses?
DATA: Because a little thing affects them. A slight disorder of the stomach makes them cheats. You may be an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of an underdone potato. Why, there's more of gravy than of grave about you, whatever you are. Humbug, I tell you. Humbug.

I thought this wasn't an accurate Christmas Carol quote, but it turns out all Data changed was adding "Why" before the gravy line and "Humbug, I tell you, humbug."

Then again, maybe I've watched too many movie adaptations. I don't read the book that often, the closest I get is the Patrick Stewart audiobook, which I don't think is 100% authentic.

DATA: Yes, sir. I have studied the philosophies of virtually every known acting master. I find myself attracted to Stanislavsky, Adler, Garnav. Proponents of an acting technique known as the Method.

Stanislavsky was a Russian theater actor and director. Any classic movie fan worth his salt will know of Danny Kaye's routine based on him, which Tom Lehrer turned into "Lobachevsky."

Hey, any excuse for a Tom Lehrer link, right?

Stella Adler ran a Studio of Acting in Los Angeles starting in 1949. A student of Stanislavski, her school later trained such actors as Marlon Brando, Robert De Niro, and Kate Mulgrew. How's that for a coincidence?

Garnav is the obligatory fictitious addition to the list, or as TvTropes calls such examples, Famous, Famous, Fictitional.. I'm disappointed that he didn't namedrop Anton Karidian (AKA Kodos the Executioner). Karidian certainly seems like a guy who would be a proponent of The Method.

Chakoteya comments in the transcript that Stewart himself is a Method actor. Which makes Picard's comment that he's vaguely familiar with it all that funnier.

DATA: Sir, I have modified the Method for my own uses. Since I have no emotional awareness to create a performance, I am attempting to use performance to create emotional awareness. I believe if I can learn to duplicate the fear of Ebenezer Scrooge, I will be one step closer to truly understanding humanity.

I don't think "fake it 'til you make it" works in this case. While I have no doubt that given enough centuries Data can internalize a complicated procedure to decide which fake emotion to display in most situation (a million IF-THEN gates, so to speak), it still won't give him real understanding. Whoever said the human race was logical and all that.

PICARD: Transporter room three. Lock onto the science team and beam them aboard.
CHIEF [OC]: I've locked onto Doctor Clark. I can't pick out the others. It's a mess down there.
PICARD: Then beam Doctor Clark aboard by himself.

What? Do enough cellphones in one place scramble individual lifesigns from ship's sensors? The sensors that can identify a single person on a planet by species, gender, and approximate age in seconds? Isn't this a situation for beaming up everything and disabling weapons in transit?

CLARK: First contact was made by a Klingon expedition seventy years ago.

Seventy years ago was 2297. You'd think they'd still be restructuring their economy and dealing with Praxis fallout at the time to spend time on exploratory missions. Yeah, yeah, STVI hasn't been made yet.

TROI: This situation is deteriorating, Captain. The people are approaching levels of anxiety that could lead to suicide.

They're not anxious enough YET? I shudder to think what Troi thinks is a justifiable level of anxiety for suicide.

PICARD: No. I'm going down to the planet myself.
WORF: Sir, you run the risk of being taken as an additional hostage
PICARD: Mister Worf, you and Mister Data will accompany me. Mister O'Brien can keep a lock on our communicators. He can pull us out if necessary.

Yeah, 'cause that kind of arrogance has NEVER backfired! Talk about contrivances...

DATA: So you do purport to be the mythic figure Ardra?
ARDRA: I have many names, my pale friend. I'm Mendora in the Berussian Cluster. Torak to the Drellians. The Klingons call me Fek'lhr.
WORF: You are not Fek'lhr.

Only mention of Mendora, the Berussian Cluster, Torak, or the Drellians. B'Ellanna mentioned Fek'lhr in "Barge of the Dead". It's a shame that TAS was noncanon at this time, as this would've been a great place to mention Lucien.

PICARD: I have encountered many who more credibly could be called the devil than you.

Oh, the list we could make. Q, of course. The God of Sha Ka Ree, who I still refer to as The One. Trelane. A rogue Kelvan. Apollo, even!

PICARD: Q would never bother with contracts.
TROI: Or economic forecasts.
PICARD: I noticed that too, Counsellor. I had the distinct impression of in the presence of a flim-flam artist.

It's a shame Data is on the planet, because I'm sure some members of the audience don't know what a "flim-flam artist" is.

TROI: She has an incredibly focused mind. It was virtually impossible to sense any deception. Or anything else, for that matter.

I'm going to assume that Deanna was referring to Vulcan-style mental discipline. No doubt a Vulcan can lock down their telepathic transmissions to almost nothing for a short amount of time. What bothers me is that Troi was implying that Ardra has mental discipline as opposed to a gadget that can block telepathic transmissions (yeah, I know Data said that it wasn't possible, but that doesn't mean the idea isn't stupid).

[Nate the Great]

ARDRA: Yes. When the contract came to term, I gained clear title to the planet, anything on the surface, in the air or in orbit. So you see, the Enterprise belongs to me now as well.

The sheer stupidity of this statement gives me a headache. Did the locals have spacefaring capability a thousand years ago? Furthermore, how does Ardra intend to "claim" her prize? Even if she really was a rogue Q or whatever, she can't run the ship without a crew.

DATA: Sir, do you believe Ardra is, to use the vernacular, a con artist?
PICARD: Yes, I do, Data. And I believe it is our job to out-con the con artist.

Star Trek uses the out-X the X thing a bit too much if you ask me.

PICARD: You know, there's nothing about you I find tantalising. On the contrary, I find you obvious and vulgar.
ARDRA: Easily fixed. (Victorian clothing) I can be your ideal woman, Picard. Prim and proper. And chaste, until I succumb to your charms. Or would your fantasies turn more toward a professional woman, one perhaps who wears a Starfleet uniform? Perhaps I could even be
TROI: Someone close at hand and yet unattainable. I can do anything for you, Captain. Anything you could ever imagine.

I don't see Picard as being into historical romances. And the idea of Picard being attracted to Troi is just as repugnant as Professor X being attracted to Jean Grey (which actually happened).

Of course, this scene is another hint that Ardra is a fake. She hasn't met Crusher, nor does she know enough about Picard to properly gauge his sexual desires.

DATA: The case involves a contract dispute over services rendered by a Klingon craftsman on the construction of a Ventaxian home.

I'll try to stop making jokes about Klingon civilian careers, but I do wonder why you'd have Klingon civilians hanging around this planet after it was discovered.

LAFORGE: Hey, I think we've found something here. There's a sudden jump in Z-particle readings just about the time the Enterprise disappeared.

Z particles carry the weak nuclear force. What this has to do with exotic cloaking devices or transporter systems is beyond me.

PICARD: I am prepared to offer an added incentive. If you win, I'll take you to the ruins of Ligillium.
ARDRA: The Zaterl Emerald? You know where it is?
PICARD: Yes, I do.

Only mention of the Zaterl Emerald. I wish they could've namedropped the Rejac Crystal. It might actually be plausible that Data confiscated it back in "The Most Toys."

LAFORGE: A cloaked ship.
PICARD: She has a Romulan cloaking device?
LAFORGE: More likely a bad copy of one.

Even at this point we knew that the Romulans weren't the only ones to use cloaking devices. For the moment let's put Klingon devices aside, there's still the ones on Aldea and Minos.

PICARD: The Enterprise?
LAFORGE: Exactly where it's supposed to be. Ardra extended her cloaking shields around it, set up a subspace damping field to interfere with normal operations. I've isolated the frequency spread and penetrated the field.

Nonsense. Ardra's ship can't be that big, and you'd need a huge power source to extend shields around a Galaxy-class. Furthermore, is everyone on the Enterprise so incompetent that they couldn't reveal themselves before Geordi found it? They couldn't even launch a shuttle to help Picard, or just get far enough a way to use communications?

The Fiver

Sorry, this one is competent but not exactly quotable.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Ardra beams through shields a few times. I don't call this a nit, that's only a rule for standard transporters. Her system is nonstandard and may even involve a variant of Bok's subspace transporter system.

[Nate the Great]

February 11th, 1991, "Clues"

Fiver by Derek

The Episode

Captain's log, stardate 44502.7. Early completion of our mission at Harrakis Five has allowed me to grant extra personal time for many of the crew. This has come as something of a relief, since our recent tight scheduling has prevented pursuit of the leisure activities that are a normal part of life aboard the Enterprise. I expect our journey past the Ngame Nebula to be uneventful, and am personally using the time to fulfill a promise to a colleague.

I hate it when the captain's log outright says that the episode will take place in between the exploring that the show promised us. Hate hate hate. Furthermore, you can only hear Picard say "I expect the next few days to be boring" and be proven wrong so many times before it gets tedious. There's no particular reason why a mission can be important to one part of the crew but not to the rest, providing us with a counterpoint. Or maybe have the ship involved in a mission that can be dropped if necessary.

GUINAN: So I had a little trouble getting into the dress. It took me a little while to figure out exactly what I was supposed to do with these. (stockings and suspender belt)

Guinan was on Earth BEFORE the Dixon Hill era! Whatever clothes she had to wear around Mark Twain had to be less comfortable than this stuff! Yeah, yeah, "Time's Arrow" hadn't been thought of yet but her great age and time around humans has been established.

MADELINE [OC]: Captain Picard? Sorry, there's no Captain Picard here. You should try down at the docks. Ships come
...
DATA [OC]: Captain, Lieutenant Commander Data here. Please excuse the unusual interruption, but under the circumstances I thought that patching communications through the holodeck programme would be less obtrusive.

Data patched communications through a holographic telephone system but didn't remember that Picard is portraying Dixon Hill or to assume an era-appropriate character? I hate actions that require a character to be very smart and very stupid at the same time.

Furthermore, this whole bit isn't needed, the holodeck should instantly pause when a communication from outside is detected.

DATA: Sir, I should re-align the ship's clock with Starbase four ten's subspace signal to adjust for the time distortion.

What a coincidence, I just talked about this in the PNQ thread. I promise I didn't plan this.

CRUSHER: Nothing broken, Chief, but the ligaments around the elbow have been twisted pretty severely. What on earth were you doing when you fell?
O'BRIEN: Hanging a plant for Keiko. It's part of her running project to give me a green thumb.
CRUSHER: How's it working?
O'BRIEN: Everything I touch seems to turn brown and wither away.

It's amazing how much of O'Brien's DS9 characterization started in TNG. It's a shame that today's shows don't seem to believe in subtle character building.

DATA: Coming in now, sir. The probe is within visual range of the planet.
PICARD: On screen.
(the planet is green)
DATA: Sensors indicate a hydrogen-helium composition with a frozen helium core.

How could a planet develop a frozen helium core? I'd think there'd be enough gravity pressure to at least make liquid helium.

PICARD: Mister Data, run a full diagnostic to make sure the wormhole didn't permanently damage the sensors.

What? Wormholes can damage sensors enough to give distorted readings of this precision? I don't think gravity buckling can do that.

PICARD: Oh, Diomedian scarlet moss. I didn't know you were an enthnobotanist.
CRUSHER: It's a hobby.

Enthnobotany is an actual field, it's the study of how the people of a given region study and use the local plants. I don't think it's quite the correct term for this case. Exobiology would be more accurate.

You'd think that Diomedian scarlet moss would never reappear in the expanded universe, but a novel actually mentions it. Insert remark about the fans caring more about the Trek universe than the current producers here.

PICARD: Doctor, we were not unconscious for a full day. Everything on board indicates that we were out for thirty seconds. The ship's chronometer, the computer, everything.

The chronometer is not part of the computer? I wouldn't mind the idea of an isolated "black box" chronometer synchronized with Starfleet Command if such a thing were actually possible, but it's not.

DATA: Captain, I have a hypothesis. The twenty-second century physicist Pell Underhill conjectured that a major disruption in time continuity could be compensated for by trillions of counter reactions. That effect may have allowed Doctor Crusher's mosses to arrive at the other side of the worm hole with the unanticipated growth.

Pell Underhill also appeared in a few novels. I repeat my earlier comment. Oh, and Data's attempt to pull an explanation out of nowhere is just nonsense. If the wormhole affected these spores that much, it should affect other stuff as well. Doesn't Keiko have an entire arboretum of alien plants that could equally be affected by this affect?

CRUSHER: A transporter trace analysis might give us another indication of how much time has actually passed.

I get what they're going for, but anything a study of the transporter traces could reveal should be discoverable by a biobed a lot faster.

LAFORGE: I've got some good news, and some bad news. The good news is that we were right about the computer's chronometer. There's a security programme to prevent tampering, but it looks now like it was disabled and a new programme put in its place. Someone has reset the clock.
PICARD: If that's the good news, what's the bad news?
LAFORGE: That Data and I are the only ones aboard this ship capable of doing it.

How stupid are the other members of the Engineering staff? Does Geordi even have assistant Chief Engineers?

PICARD: Do you know what a court martial would mean? Your career in Starfleet would be finished.
DATA: I realise that, sir.
PICARD: Do you also realise that you would most likely be stripped down to your wires to find out what the hell has gone wrong?
DATA: Yes, sir. I do.

Meaningless aside, but the British spelling used by Chakoteya is starting to get to me. Those red squiggles get annoying sometimes. Back on topic, doesn't Data have the right to refuse any such intrusion?

The Fiver

hug: Stick 'em up!
Guinan: What's going on?
Picard: He thinks I cheated at Fizzbin.
Thug: Hey, all I want is a piece of the action.

Is this missing first line thing ever going to be fixed, Zeke? Nice Fizzbin joke, but don't forget that Kirk defictionalized the game afterwards and later the Ferengi discovered it.

Troi: Ugh.
Picard: Counsellor? Are you okay?
Troi: Sorry, I just thought about kissing Riker with a beard.
Riker: On you or on me?
Picard: Worf, why don't you escort Troi back to her quarters? And see if you can't plant seeds for future W/T 'shippers.

Troi: AHHHH!
Worf: What is it?
Troi: I just thought about marrying Riker with a beard.

I don't get this running gag, unless it's supposed to be a reference to the later movies. Furthermore, it's inconcievable that Troi never kissed a bearded Riker before the movies (even tossing out Tom Riker scenarios).

Data: It's possible that a planet might look like a giant smiley face.
La Forge: And how do you explain the words "Have a Nice Day" at the bottom?
Data: A virtually impossible arrangement of bread, apples, and very small rocks?

Now there's a subtle Monty Python joke.

Picard: Data, you've been lying this entire episode. What would you do in my place?
Data: I would drop the charade and make out with Dr. Crusher.

In the novel Immortal Coil when Data dates Worf's replacement as Security Chief Geordi disapproves. Data cites Troi/Riker and Picard/Crusher as previous examples of senior officers dating. Geordi says that Picard/Crusher was just theoretical. One wonders what conclusion you could reach about Geordi's lack of success with women being a result of him just not being able to recognize attraction in general.

Troi: Why am I always the one who gets possessed?
Data: Because if you weren't, you'd get even less screen time.

Actually, in this case all of the other senior officers were needed for the detective plot, so it fell to Troi by default.

Memory Alpha

* First appearance of Worf's mok'bara class.
* First mention of Alyssa's name.
* Picard uses the term Paxan without learning it. Oops.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Poor O'Brien. He had to fall off the chair with the plant three times, twice on purpose.
* Phil also mentions Data's rights as defined in "Measure of a Man."
* He also noticed that Picard never learned the term "Paxan."
* He also notes the ethnobotany thing.

[Nate the Great]

Oh, and while some alien species would have circadian rhythms that are close enough to 24 hours that they could be modified to a standard day, there have to be others that are nowhere near it. You couldn't possibly knock-out everyone and have them wake up with the expected amount of energy.

[Nate the Great]

February 18th, 1991, "First Contact"

This one will be a lot more fun...

Fiver by IJD GAF

The Episode

NILREM: He took a severe blow. Possible trauma to the telencephalon.
TAVA: Start fifteen octares of quadroline. We'll need a complete del-scan series.
NILREM: I can't find his cardial organ.

I appreciate the alien medical terms, but you can go too far. "Cardial organ" instead of "heart" is just stupid. Telencephalon is another word for the cerebrum.

TAVA: He's missing three costal struts on one side and four on the other.

Costal cartilage means the bits of the ribs that connect to the sternum, flexible to allow for expansion during breathing. I think they're implying that Riker has fewer ribs than they do. Of course you wonder why any alien race that otherwise has bilateral symmetry would have different numbers of ribs on each side.

(holds up a foot)
NILREM: He has digits on his terminus.

Foot! Foot! Furthermore, how can a bipedal species walk without toes?

RIKER: It's for a neighbour's child. Was there anything else found? I had one piece of jewelry, a metal pin.
BEREL: No, I'm sorry, this was all we found.

This is a perfect mission for a subcutaneous communicator. And let me get this out of the way: Riker should not have been on this mission, there has to be a corp of pre-first contact people who could've done this.

(Everyone say hi to Carolyn Seymour, taking a break from being a Romulan)
MIRASTA: At twelve point four after launch, the warp field generator will be activated.

Seymour only played two Romulans, Taris in "Contagion" and Toreth in "Face of the Enemy". Her other Trek role is Mrs. Templeton in Janeway's stupid holonovel (I'm not looking forward to that one in the Voyager retrospective in 2025).

MIRASTA: We have the prototype design for the warp engine. It would simply be a matter of building the actual production units. If I get your approval today, ten months, maybe less.

Thank goodness people realize that it takes awhile to make a warp core. That's one of my problem with the sheer proliferation of starships between Wolf 359 and the Dominion War.

PICARD: My name is Jean-Luc Picard. This is my associate Deanna Troi.

Seriously, where are the First Contact specialists?

TROI: Captain Picard is from a planet called Earth, which is over two thousand light years from here.

Do the locals even have a unit comparable to a light year? You gotta feel bad for the Universal Translator sometimes. "153576.2 thingamajigs from here."

MIRASTA: You've had people on our planet?
TROI: For several years.

With the number of near-warp planets out there, how many people are in the pre-First Contact corps?

BEREL: Well, it's getting out of control. I don't know what else he is, but he is still a patient in this medical facility and we have a responsibility for his care and recovery. Remind them of that, will you?

Thank you for acting rationally.

BEREL: Mister Jakara, we have been unable to confirm anything you told us. No physician named Crusher is on file. Not on this planet. Your address in Marta's an eating establishment. The cook has never heard of Rivas Jakara.

Seriously, the pre-First Contact team didn't rent out an actual location on this planet to maintain the cover? And why would Riker provide info that can't be validated? Why are we paying these specialists if they're so bad at their jobs? (We should take their holodeck rations back! )

MIRASTA: He's an android, Chancellor. A constructed being.
DURKEN: A machine?
DATA: In a manner of speaking. The term artificial lifeform would be more accurate.

How is Data not a machine? If he had used a more demeaning term I could understand Data defending himself.

DATA: No, Minister. He has not returned to our designated transport coordinates. We have continued to scan the capital city without success.

He's in a hospital. No shielding and the only human being on the planet. The ship's sensors can't find him? How would the locals have the slightest idea about how to block sensor scans?

PICARD: I've been saving this for a special occasion. My brother on Earth produces fruit known as grapes, which he turns into wine.

Nice reference to "Family", but the bottle should've showed up again. Minimal research says it's about five glasses per bottle.

DURKEN: My world's history has recorded that conquerors often arrived with the words, we are your friends.

And Earth's as well. Thank goodness for common sense.

DURKEN: What do you want?
PICARD: A beginning.

Overly simplistic. We want to protect you from other races who would exploit you. We want to learn your culture and teach you ours. We want to shield you from the mistakes we made when we first ventured into space.

DURKEN: And if I should tell you to leave and never return to my world?
PICARD: We will leave and never return.

SF Debris approved of this, but I don't. I would certainly promise to stay away for a couple generations and check in again then, but "never return" is a little final.

We never get an indication that an exotic power source is being used, so we have to assume antimatter. You don't want to leave that stuff in the hands of people afraid of change, it's a massacre waiting to happen.

DURKEN: I can infer from that directive that you do not intend to share all this exceptional technology with us.
PICARD: That is not the whole meaning, but it is part of it.
DURKEN: Is this your way of maintaining superiority?
PICARD: Chancellor, to instantly transform a society with technology would be harmful and it would be destructive,
DURKEN: You're right, of course.

Exactly. This society hasn't proven that it can safely used the tech it has NOW, more would be disastrous.

DURKEN: I will have to say this morning, I was the leader of the universe as I knew it. This afternoon, I am only a voice in a chorus. But I think it was a good day.

A nice sentiment. I know I wouldn't handle it as well.

RIKER: Now, will you help me?
LANEL: If you make love to me.
RIKER: What?
LANEL: I've always wanted to make love with an alien.

If the Universal Translator is so sophisticated that it can translate an idiom as complicated as "make love", our heroes shouldn't have the problems that it keeps having with the thing. It should've just said "have sex."

LANEL: Will I ever see you again?
RIKER: I'll call you the next time I pass through your star system.

That sounds more like a Kirk line.

TAVA: They've aggravated the injury to his renal organ.

Renal means the urinary system. If they're saying Riker damaged his privates, this is one subtle and dirty joke for the time period.

BEREL: I'm just a physician, Minister. I don't know much about affairs of state, but he is a living, intelligent being. I don't care if the Chancellor himself calls down here. I have sworn an oath to do no harm, and I will not.

Thank you.

PICARD: Centuries ago, a disastrous contact with the Klingon Empire led to decades of war.

First contact with other warp-faring species should have nothing to do with first contact with a species that has just developed warp. As for "decades of war", that's a rabbit hole lined with barb wire that I choose not to go down since it touches Enterprise, Discovery, etc.

RIKER: No. We're here on a mission of peace.
KROLA: Such noble creatures. Why do peaceful people develop such lethal weapons? Or do you still insist it's just a toy?

Riker never should've had a phaser on him. At the very least, they couldn't put a fingerprint scanner on the thing so only Riker could use it? I would've programmed these things to self-destruct unless touched by an authorized user every X hours during a mission like this.

KROLA: Perhaps, like many conquerors, you believe your goals to be benevolent. I cannot.

Oh boy, is that another discussion. You gotta give the writers props for not pulling their punches.

MIRASTA: I'm sorry to say he's probably right. Captain Picard, I have one last request. Take me with you.
DURKEN: She will be unhappy with the restrictions I must place on her at home, Captain.
PICARD: We may not be back here in your lifetime.

This line confuses me. Why can't they return in her lifetime?