30th Anniversary TNG Episode Discussion Marathon

[Nate the Great]

GUINAN: You know, sooner or later, everyone comes in here. They stand by those windows and they look out and the stare. They're looking for that little star they call home. It doesn't matter how far away it is, everybody looks anyway.

This seems a little ridiculous. There's a limit to how many stars you can see from the ship, and you can only see them at impulse speeds.

HELENA: I learned to cook rokeg blood pie.

You'd think that a rokeg is a Klingon animal, but in one of the novels Jadzia claims that it's an adjective (and an offensive one at that).

HELENA: Well, I'm afraid that Worf feels that we do not understand him.
GUINAN: Well, part of him may feel that way, but there's another part that I've seen. A part that comes in and drinks prune juice. A part that looks out the window towards home. He's not looking toward the Klingon Empire. He's looking toward you.

A nice moment.

WORF: When I heard you were on the visitors' list, I was not sure I wanted you to come. I am glad you are here.
HELENA: We had to come.
SERGEY: Our boy was in trouble. After we read your letter about the discommendation from the Klingons.
HELENA: We don't exactly understand it all.
SERGEY: We don't have to. We know what kind of man you are.
HELENA: Whatever you did, we know it was for a good reason.
WORF: I must bear my dishonour alone.
SERGEY: That is not true.
HELENA: I'm sorry if this is too human of us but, whenever you are suffering, you must remember we are with you.
SERGEY: And that we're proud of you, and that we love you.
HELENA: You're our son.

Let me just toss up a video clip.

ROBERT: Mind if I ask you a question? What the devil happened to you up there?
PICARD: Is this brotherly concern?
ROBERT: No. Curiosity. What did they do to you?
PICARD: You know what happened.
ROBERT: Not precisely. I gather you were hurt.

How do you describe the experience of being assimilated to someone who's never even seen a Borg? This smacks of Spock's claim that you have to die to discuss insights on death.

ROBERT: Still, I suppose it must have seemed like the ideal situation, hmm? Local boy makes good. Returns home after twenty years to a hero's welcome.

Twenty years? Picard has been in Starfleet over forty years!

ROBERT: Cancel the parade? In your favour?
PICARD: No! I never sought that rubbish.

Kirk never wanted accolades either, did he?

PICARD: You don't know, Robert. You don't know. They took everything I was. They used me to kill and to destroy, and I couldn't stop them. I should have been able to stop them! I tried. I tried so hard, but I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't good enough. I should have been able to stop them. I should! I should!
ROBERT: So, my brother is a human being after all.

This needed to be said. It's a shame that there weren't more repurcussions.

ROBERT: Jean-Luc, here is a little of the forty seven. Do not drink it all at once, and if possible, try not to drink it alone.

This bottle comes back in "First Contact."

PICARD: You had the full tour, I trust?
SERGEY: Well, actually, there are still a few areas because of the repairs
HELENA: Sergey. It's time to go.
SERGEY: Yes. Yes. Okay. I have all the specs and diagrams at home--

A great running gag. Although even if the specs are classified (which they should be), you'd think there'd be a holographic tour of the nonsecure areas of the ship available.

Memory Alpha

* Gene didn't like the concept. Of course some of it was his stupid "humans are perfect" nonsense, but he has a point that there's no action.
* O'Brien finally has a first and middle name.
* There's no footage of the bridge, a rare occurance.
* In this episode Jack Crusher has a TNG combadge with the modified Monster Maroon. The crew of the Enterprise-C will have TOS movie combadges with the modified Monster Maroon. You can see how tech advances.
* I knew that the wine appeared in "First Contact", but I didn't know that it appeared in "Legacy" as well.

[Nate the Great]

October 8th, 1990, "Brothers"

Fiver by Derek

The Episode

RIKER: Are you aware of the infectious nature of the parasites which inhabit cove palm?

If the parasites are that dangerous, than the plant shouldn't be publicly accessible. Period. This is a stupid scenario.

RIKER: Think about it, Mister Potts. And while you're at it, think about what may have happened had we not been this close to a starbase medical facility.

Furthermore, this doesn't seem like a "only a starbase would have the required medical facilities" scenario. This whole thing is just stupid. Furthermore the brothers parallel falls apart at the slightest scrutiny.

LAFORGE [OC]: Captain, we've completed our dilithium vector calibrations.

Dilithium vector calibrations? I assume they mean altering the matter and antimatter stream trajectories to properly interact with this particular chunk of dilithium, but it just seems like pointless technobabble.

LAFORGE: If we're going to maintain our realignment progressions we shouldn't be pushing warp eight for at least an hour.

You just said that you were done! The technobabble throughout this episode is just stupid and I'll try to keep my kvetching to a minimum, but there are times when it's unavoidable.

COMPUTER: Evacuate Bridge. Deck one life support failure in thirty seconds.
RIKER: Turbolifts two, three, four, everyone.
PICARD: Transfer helm to Engineering, Geordi.

Turbolifts two, three, and four? There are only three turbolifts on the Bridge, the rear turbolift, the one by the ready room and the dedicated Battle Bridge one. Futhermore, using Engineering instead of the Battle Bridge seems weird since they used the Battle Bridge set a couple episodes ago! Did they dismantle the thing already?

PICARD: Number One, take a security team up to deck two. Try and break through from below.

Isn't there an emergency hatch from the Bridge to Deck Two between the viewscreen and the helm? Why not use that? You don't need to "break through"!

PICARD: Mister La Forge, prepare for saucer separation.
WESLEY: Sir, we're at Warp nine three.

So? You were going way faster than that in "Encounter at Farpoint"!

PICARD: The saucer module should fall out of warp in two minutes.

Really? The saucer has no warp engines, it could coast to a stop in way less than two minutes! Another meaningless Treknobabble plot hole!

DATA: (doing a perfect imitation) Computer, recognise Picard, Jean-Luc. Alpha Two clearance.
COMPUTER: Priority clearance recognition, Alpha Two.

Shouldn't the computer require a secondary ID method for this sort of thing? A handprint on a console, a retinal scan, a scan of the unique EM aura of the person, something!

CRUSHER: He's alright. But he's not going to stay alright. Sir, we have to get this ship to a starbase medical facility.

I hate this ticking clock thing. Are they implying that if this boy wasn't dying that our heroes wouldn't try as hard to retake the ship? That's just stupid.

CRUSHER: Oh, Come on, I can't believe that. Everybody's played a practical joke on somebody at one time or another.
WILLIE: Not me.

I get the need for distraction, but discussing practical joke with the little boy that might die because of a practical joke might be a bad idea, Bev!

DATA: Show me the shortest route to Transporter room one.

I'd think Data would have the entire ship's blueprints memorized already, wouldn't you?

WORF: He has blocked every subspace channel, sir. We cannot even call for help.

You can't do a manual launch of a probe? They have certainly implied that manual torpedo launch is possible in the past. Heck, toss a probe out an airlock!

PICARD: See if the computer would be good enough to give you the precise stun setting to disable Mister Data.

I'd think Worf would have that memorized already!

PICARD: Computer, estimate the time from this location to Starbase four one six at warp nine.
COMPUTER: Inquiries regarding command functions are no longer accepted from your present location.

That's not an inquiry regarding command functions!

DATA: You do bear a resemblance to Doctor Noonian Soong, the cyberneticist who constructed me. But, Doctor Soong was killed shortly afterward by the Crystalline Entity.

I thought that "Crystalline Entity" was a name coined by the Enterprise crew. Why would Soong know it?

SOONG: I've never felt too comfortable living anywhere without a prearranged route of escape.

There's a novel about how Soong even had an escape route from this planet, having an android body available on standby to transfer his mind into in case he died.

WESLEY: When he transferred force field control to the Bridge, he must have only specified fields he was planning to initiate. The quarantine field was already operating.
LAFORGE: Under normal circumstances, we could divert that field energy and use it to cancel the force field protecting the Bridge, but we have to retain the medical quarantine.
PICARD: Determine the absolute minimum field energy Doctor Crusher needs and use the rest to get me onto my Bridge.

This is utter nonsense, of course. The idea that there's only a certain amount of "field energy" available for all of the force fields onboard is just ridiculous.

WORF: A small vessel, entering orbit. I detect no lifeforms aboard, sir.

Ugh. I get that Soong-type androids don't emit typical life signs, but Starfleet has had time to calibrate their sensors to locate Data's EM emissions in lieu of traditional life signs. Furthermore, this line is just here to prolong the reveal of Lore's presence. I hate this type of plot hole.

(Data is rubbing his stomach while patting his head)
SOONG: Good. Good, good, good. Keep it up. Keep it up. Old Tom Handy swore you'd never master that.

This would've been a great time to namedrop Ira Graves, but whatever.

DATA: Why did you create me?
SOONG: Why does a painter paint? Why does a boxer box? You know what Michelangelo used to say? That the sculptures he made were already there before he started, hidden in the marble. All he needed to do was remove the unneeded bits. It wasn't quite that easy with you, Data. But the need to do it, my need to do it, was no different than Michelangelo's need. Now let me ask you a question. Why are humans so fascinated by old things?
DATA: Old things?
SOONG: Old buildings, churches, walls, ancient things, antique things, tables, clocks, knick knacks. Why? Why, why?
DATA: There are many possible explanations.
SOONG: If you brought a Noophian to Earth, he'd probably look around and say, tear that old village down, it's hanging in rags. Build me something new, something efficient. But to a human, that old house, that ancient wall, it's a shrine, something to be cherished. Again, I ask you, why?
DATA: Perhaps, for humans, old things represent a tie to the past.
SOONG: What's so important about the past? People got sick, they needed money. Why tie yourself to that?
DATA: Humans are mortal. They seem to need a sense of continuity.
SOONG: Ah hah!! Why?
DATA: To give their lives meaning. A sense of purpose.
SOONG: And this continuity, does it only run one way, backwards, to the past?
DATA: I suppose it is a factor in the human desire to procreate.
SOONG: So you believe that having children gives humans a sense of immortality, do you?
DATA: It is a reasonable explanation to your query, sir.
SOONG: And to yours as well, Data.

Good scene.

LORE: No thanks to you. But thanks to you, dear brother, I spent nearly two years drifting in space. If it hadn't been for a fortunate encounter with a Pakled trade ship, I'd still be out there.

The expanded universe (see Memory Beta before) changes this.

LORE: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What do you mean, you're dying? You look fine. You're not that old.

In canon we don't know how old Soong is, but the expanded universe has set his birth year as 2279, thus he's 88 here. I know that McCoy's 147 years are an outlier, but you'd at least think that 100 wouldn't be out of the ordinary in the 24th century. Chalk it up to decades of living in hiding without access to proper medical facilities.

LAFORGE: We'd have to access the transport controller, reset it to a testing mode, convince it that it's back in school accepting simulated inputs. That's not going to be easy without the main computer. But I suppose we could network a few tricorders together.

Yeah, no. Can't they use a shuttlecraft computer for this?

SOONG: The last thing you should think of yourself as, Data, is less perfect. The two of you are virtually identical, except for a bit of programming.

Actually they're not. For one thing, Lore's ears are removable and Data's aren't. Plus Lore has a type L phase discriminating amplifier and Data has a type R.

LORE: (sings) 'The sons of the prophet were valiant and bold, And quite unaccustomed to fear. But of all the most reckless, Or so I am told, Was Abdul Abulbul Amir.'

This is a music hall song written in 1877. Don't ask me what in the world it's doing here.

SOONG: Everybody dies, Data. Well, almost everybody.

Not Soong. At least, not now. I'll come back to this.

[Nate the Great]

The Fiver

Riker: So why don't we take it from the top?
Jake: The top of what?
Troi: Chekov impressions won't get you anywhere; tell us what happened.

A good gag, even though I feel it was a little shoehorned.

Jake: Sniff. My poor brother.
Data: Your brother will be fine as long as nobody --
Jake: Nobody does what, sir?
Data:
Jake: Commander? Did you just blue screen?

"Why do I see spinning hourglasses in your eyes?" "How come your eyes suddenly contain red rings?"

Data: (Picard's voice) Computer, lock out everyone except me.
Computer: Please give Picard's access code.
Data: How many times have I asked you to stop speaking with Lwaxanna's voice?
Computer: Never mind, Captain. Sorry to disturb you.

I get the Majel Barrett joke, but the computer doesn't sound like Lwaxanna that much.

Willie: Practical jokes suck.
Crusher: But they're all in good fun. You've got to be spontaneous! Get it?
Willie: Got it. (push)
Crusher: (splash!)
Jake: Willie!
Willie: That was...
Jake: ...not funny.

Good Generations gag.

Data: Where am I?
Soong: The pit of despair! Don't even think -- heh heh, kidding. This is just your dad's lab.
Data: I hate to tell you this, but my dad died... a long time ago.
Soong: Wrong again! He's alive!

Only in fivers can you have a Princess Bride joke followed so closely by a Lion King joke. I love this place.

Soong: Does the emotion chip work?
"Data": (singing) "When your folks are square, then you must prepare..."
Soong: Whatta you gotta prepare?
"Data": (singing) "The parent trap!"
Soong: Gasp! You're Lore!

"I was smart enough to program Data with better taste in Disney live-action movies!"

Haha. I'm joking, "The Parent Trap" is one of my favorite movies.

Memory Alpha

* Data didn't have the time to tell Soong about Lal. That would've been hard to fit in, to be honest.

Memory Beta

* All Lore appearances after "Datalore" are actually Data from the future according to the short story "I Am Become Death". Data was kept prisoner by a race of Soong-type androids who had taken over the Federation. He went back in time and hired the Pakleds to find Lore's body, only to find it destroyed. Data had to impersonate Lore to preserve the timeline.
* Soong returns in the Cold Equations novels in his new android body. He eventually sacrifices himself to let Data be resurrected in his body (using the memories within B-4).

Nipicker's Guide

* The code Data says isn't the code that appears on the screen as he says it. Oops.
* Turbolifts don't have control panels, except in this one episode so Data can punch it dramatically. I find this odd, as other episodes and series have no problems putting control panels everywhere just in case. A turbolift seems like an obvious place to put one.

[Nate the Great]

Two posts in one day? What new spore of madness is this?!

October 15th, 1990, "Suddenly Human"

No fiver

The Episode

CRUSHER: It's Jono, right? Is that what I heard them call you? I'm Doctor Crusher. I'm just examining you for radiation injuries. It won't hurt. I have a son not much older than you. Perhaps you'd like to meet him. Well, Jono, you seem to have escaped radiation damage. Pretty lucky.

I get what Crusher is going for, but it seems too soon for this. Wait until he's completely healthy again!

CRUSHER: It's not uncommon. It was identified centuries ago as the Stockholm syndrome.

JONO: Why do you take orders from a female?
WORF: Doctor Crusher. She is my superior officer.
JONO: Among my people, a female can never outrank a man.
WORF: You are human, and among humans, females can achieve anything the males can.
JONO: I am no more human than you are. I am Talarian.

There are two issues here: whether Klingon women are really equal and how this "women can never outrank a man" thing is supposed to work. The former would require an essay by itself, centered around Gowron's claim that women can never sit on the High Council. The latter would require women to never have a rank at all, another complicated discussion.

Let's just keep it brief and say that the writer heaped way too much on Jono and this alien race to raise questions about whether or not our heroes have to rescue him. Way way way too much.

Presuming that the Talarians aren't a Federation member (a safe bet), we can't force Federation/human values on them. It can't be used to make the decision of where Jono goes, so why is it here? It's a level of hamfistedness that smacks more of TOS than TNG.

TROI: Jeremiah needs to build a relationship with a man, a father figure with whom he can explore his origins. And I think it should be you, Captain.
PICARD: Oh, no, Counsellor! Oh, no, Counsellor, I don't think so. He needs someone who is trained in these things.
TROI: But you are the only person with whom he has shown any connection. If he is to find his humanity then you are the only one who can help him. It's up to you, Captain.

I'm reminded of Charlie X all of a sudden. And that's not a good thing. I think that they went to the "Picard is uncomfortable around children, so lets make him spend time around children well" far too often. Besides, he was pretty mellow with Rene a few episodes ago, I thought he had worked past at least some of his issues. He won't fully be pro children until after "The Inner Light" of course, but this is a journey, not a destination.

PICARD: I notice you haven't taken off your gloves.
JONO: Not here.
PICARD: Why not?
JONO: So that I don't have to touch an alien.

Ugh. Are we supposed to like Jono? Because I really hate this brat and would've turned him over to the counselors and lawyers by now, Troi or no Troi.

JONO: I did not say that. Don't you understand? Pain is not what matters. Passing the tests is everything.
PICARD: Is that what they are? Tests of pain?

I always hate it when they try to justify child abuse. It'll never work.

PICARD: You're probably not aware of this, but I have never been particularly comfortable around children.
TROI: Really?

I hate this exchange. It's Season Four, not Season One, and Troi should know this! To be frank her responsibilities as a counselor should indicate to her that she shouldn't force Picard into this. Picard's mental wellbeing is an important consideration as well. Furthermore, I don't think Picard is the only one who can work with Jono. This would be a great job for Riker or Data.

TROI: Strange, isn't it? You'll travel light years, dodge asteroid storms, brave hostile aliens, and yet when asked to assume a parental role, you cringe. Why do you suppose that is?
PICARD: I'm not cringing. I'm just acknowledging my limitations.
TROI: When you were a child, did you have any friends? Other children you played with?

What does his actions as a child have to do with this? Yeah, this is just '80s psychobabble, but it still doesn't apply! Of course Picard had friends his own age! He doesn't like kids because they're an element that he can't control and his self-image requires him to be surrounded in an environment that he can control. That's why he hates Q and why Q is so fascinated by him.

PICARD: it's just that ever since I was a child I've always known exactly what I wanted to do. Be a member of Starfleet. Nothing else mattered to me. Virtually my entire youth was spent in the pursuit of that goal. In fact, I probably skipped my childhood altogether.

It makes you wonder how he got to that conclusion. Everyone we've ever met from his hometown likes civilian life. Please don't tell me he went the Kirk and Janeway (when's the last time I read Mosaic, anyway) route and saw the whole thing as a challenge.

PICARD: Yes, I certainly did, and I expect it to stay turned off. Would you come down from there? I see you've made yourself at home.
JONO: I cannot rest on your beds. They hurt my back.

So ask for a different bed. You'd think he would have the contact info to Troi or a social worker or whatever on standby.

PICARD: Those are Connor and Moira Rossa. They are your parents. The baby is you. Jeremiah Rossa.
JONO: My name is Jono.
PICARD: Well, you were born Jeremiah on Galen Four.

It's too soon for this. Jono doesn't even want to accept the identity of human, why would he want a different personal identity?

PICARD: Jono, your parents were killed by Talarians.
JONO: It was war. Death is part of war.

There's a whole essay to be written on the subject of acceptable civilian casualties and Jono's unusual acceptance of the hospitality of the people who killed his family.

Captain's log, supplemental. Captain Endar's claim that Jeremiah Rossa is his son is clearly unacceptable. However, to avoid escalating tensions, I have invited the Talarian leader to come aboard the Enterprise so that we may address the issue face to face.

Clearly unacceptable? It seems a bit premature to make judgement on Endar's worthiness as a father without knowing all the facts. To make this decision so casually smacks of racism. Where was Gene?

ENDAR: I lost my son at the hands of humans during the conflict over Castal One. Talarian custom allows me to claim the son of a slain enemy.

Since formal diplomatic relations don't seem to exist, this is another sticky situation. I'd have to know who instigated the Castal One conflict.

DATA: Talarian warships are limited to neutral particle weapons, high energy X-ray lasers and merculite rockets. No match for the Enterprise, Captain.

It's always fun to see the creators try to invent weapons less sophisticated than Starfleet's without resorting to lasers. It doesn't always work.

WORF: Captain, is it worth it, to go to war over a child?

I'd like to think that if one Klingon house kidnapped the child of another, there would be war. I don't think Worf should've been the one to say this. You can't always have Worf be the one to say the nonhumancentric things!

JONO: What is her rank?
PICARD: She is an Admiral.
JONO: She outranks you?
PICARD: Yes.

There really wasn't a MALE relative available?

PICARD: Then it wasn't a dream.
CRUSHER: I'm afraid not. No vital organs pierced, no major arteries.
PICARD: Where is the boy now?
CRUSHER: Worf has him in security. Hold still.

Attempted murder. It's a shame this is so close to the end of the episode, or else we could actually explore the implications here. But we needed time for Jono to act like a misogynistic jerk over and over again.

WORF: Talarian vessels routing power to forward rockets.

I wonder what the diplomatic ramifications would be if the Enterprise defended itself at this point. "Rockets" imply a chemical propellant, i.e. these things are slow enough to be targeted by phasers.

JONO: What matters is that I have attacked a Captain. I am ready to be put to death.
PICARD: You think you're going to be killed?
JONO: To attack a superior is the worst offence. I will die at your hands.

No, I'm pretty sure that attempted murder gets you lots of counselling and time in a penal colony. You wouldn't be very happy with that, Jono!

It's a shame they couldn't have trimmed down some of his jerkish behavior to make room to discuss this suicidal behavior.

PICARD: There was a crime committed on board this ship, but it was not Jono's. It was mine. When we found Jono, it seemed so clear what had to be done. We knew that if only we could persuade him to make the decision to stay, then you would most likely let him. So with the best of intentions, we tried to convince him, and in so doing, we thoroughly failed to listen to his feelings, to his needs. That was the crime, and it has taken a huge toll on a strong and very noble young man. And it must be rectified. He will return home. To the only home he's ever known. And to the father that he loves. To you, Endar.

There's a whole essay here about Federation people trying to force other people to share their values. I'm reminded of that quote about how the Borg are better because they tell you they intend to assimilate you.

Memory Alpha

* There were complaints about letting Jono go back to child abusers, but I thought the episode worked hard to explain that it wasn't abuse, or that at least it wasn't a black and white issue.

Nitpicker's Guide

* In this episode Picard is fine a short time after a stabbing, but in "Who Watches the Watchers" he needed a sling after a simple arrow hit. I can't say I disagree with this nit.

[Nate the Great]

The more I think about "Suddenly Human", the less I like it. It kept creating questions and not resolving any of them.



1. Are Jono's injuries really the result of Talarian pasttimes being more dangerous than normal Federation ones, of was this a cover for abuse? Was Jono asked directly about each wound?
2. Can Jono be trained to not be misogynistic anymore? Should our crew even try? Where was the scene with a female crewmember earning Jono's respect? We may have attempted a similar scene with "Code of Honor", but it wasn't done properly there either!
3. Why does Jono only respect Picard? Would Riker have not worked? Even if the Cardassians haven't been invented yet, they could've made reference to O'Briens earlier career in broad strokes in this case, plus Miles probably has more experience with kids.

4. How would Guinan have reacted to Jono? We know that she's a crackshot with a phaser, could she have been a useful bridge just like with Ro?
5. Why is Picard still so anti-kids? He should be farther in his character arc than this. Is he still in the process of rebuilding his identity post-Borg (it's only been two months) and he's not sure if he wants to deal with a young man's emotions at this critical time?

6. Does Troi have a male assistant who could've been useful this episode?

[NAHTMMM]

Originally Posted by Nate the Great

Borg: Your distinctiveness will be added to our own.
Picard: Was that a marriage proposal?
Borg: What? No, you idi--
Picard: Mr. Worf, dispatch a subspace message to Admiral Hansen. Tell him... we have been engaged to the Borg.

That pun is just painful.

Which is why it needed the ellipsis, to give you time to prepare for it.

Guinan: Pre-battle jitters, eh?
Picard: Yeah. You know, this could be the end of civilization. No more Earl Grey, no more Twinkies....
Guinan: That would suck. Maybe I should use my Q powers to save us.
Picard: You have Q powers?
Guinan: Shhh! You're endangering my secret identity.

Guinan's powers are very different from a Q, this doesn't really work.

Her non-secret powers are different, yes.

Originally Posted by Nate the Great

The Fiver

Wesley: The Borg have gone to Warp Sweet Mother Of Mercy That's Fast.

"Sweet mother of mercy" worked itself into my vocabulary and has never left.

Crusher: Jean-Luc? Are you in there?
Locutus: Foolish human. Picard no longer exists.

I'm not even a Ghostbusters fan and even I can see the obvious "There is no more Picard, there is only Locutus" joke.

Honestly I think the non-referential line is better in context. It's very snooty.

The Shelby of New Frontier never really felt like this Shelby. Just my two cents.

None of the characters in New Frontier ever felt like anything.


EDIT: I seem to have forgotten a couple of things to quote, so I'll note here that Picard's marathon is referenced/explained in The Devil's Heart and they get to try the graviton thing against the Borg in Vendetta.

[Nate the Great]

October 22nd, 1990, "Remember Me"

This is an episode that I don't watch anymore. I don't like episodes where a huge chunk of the time is dedicated to people thinking that a character is crazy. That's why I don't watch "All Good Things" anymore either.

Fiver by Marc

The Episode

LAFORGE: Wes, time for the experiment is over. I want my warp engines back now.
WESLEY: Almost done, Commander.

So in "Peak Performance" they let Wesley play with antimatter, and now they let him play with the warp engines themselves? You'd think by the fourth season the creators would've figured out that we don't like it when Wesley is this Mary Sue-ish.

WORF: Computer, where is Doctor Dalen Quaice?
COMPUTER: There is no Doctor Dalen Quaice aboard the Enterprise.
CRUSHER: Lieutenant, Doctor Quaice is very old and rather frail. If he fell somewhere, if his communicator were damaged.

I despise it when people act like a person can be tracked ONLY when they're wearing a communicator. Especially when you think about episodes like "New Ground" when Alexander was identified by his lifesigns (yeah, yeah, no doubt he's the only three-quarters Klingon on board, but still). Of the thousand people on board, maybe half are Starfleet officers. The computer can't tell them apart except by species/age/gender/etc.?

Furthermore, there is inconsistency about which guests get combadges and which don't. That's a whole other rant.

WORF: Sir, I have several teams conducting a deck by deck search. It is not yet complete.

I wonder how many security officers the Enterprise has. I'd imagine that a key criterion would be setting a maximum allowable time to manually search the entire ship and setting the number accordingly.

DATA: I have scanned the entire ship, Captain. Other than the Enterprise's regular complement, I can find no one else onboard.

You'd think Data would look up all available records on Dr. Quaice and see that there is no such person in this version of the Federation.

CRUSHER: I'll be a little more comprehensive than that, Chief. Doctor Crusher to Doctor Hill. Respond, please. Doctor Selar, your present location? Computer, current whereabouts of Doctors Hill and Selar.
COMPUTER: There is no Doctor Hill or Doctor Selar aboard the Enterprise.

I really hate the fact that Selar never appeared again. Considering how often actors have been recycled for other alien races in the future, why couldn't Suzie Plakson have appeared as Selar more than once? It's not like Selar and K'Ehleyr look that much alike.

CRUSHER: Doctors Hill and Selar, and four other members of my medical staff have all vanished. All record of their ever having been on the Enterprise has been excised from the computer's memory.
PICARD: Did they come aboard with Doctor Quaice?

Asinine. Maybe, maybe one civilian can fly under the radar. But I expect Picard to know the names of all doctors on board. This is stupid.

WESLEY: I've been experimenting with Kosinski's warp field equations, trying to improve engine efficiency.

Oh, you mean the equations that involve intermix ratios other than 1:1, i.e. the complete nonsense that the chief engineers didn't buy for a second. Yeah, yeah, this is supposed to remind the viewers of the events of "Where No One Has Gone Before" and set up the Chekov's Gun of the Traveler's return. That still doesn't mean that this isn't hamfisted.

WESLEY: This is the static warp field we created inside the warp drive.

I don't have a problem with a "static warp field". All you need for that is to not introduce the asymmetry that moves the ship. I have a problem with the "inside the warp drive" part. If they mean the engine core, that doesn't make sense. If you mean the warp coils in the nacelles, I wonder why they didn't say "inside the nacelles".

WESLEY: The experiment was designed to see if we could keep a bubble like this intact.

If I have to guess at the purpose of this, perhaps they want to see if the ship can "hide" within subspace without actually moving. It would certainly make for a valid alternative to a cloaking device.

PICARD: Has something else happened?
CRUSHER: Sickbay is totally empty. Apparently I no longer have any staff.
RIKER: And that surprises you, Doctor?
CRUSHER: Surprises me? I'll say it surprises me. There should be at least four members of my staff on duty at all times.
DATA: I am afraid ship's records do not concur. Doctor.
CRUSHER: What are you talking about?
DATA: You do not have a staff.
CRUSHER: You're telling me I'm the sole medical officer on a ship with over a thousand people on board?
DATA: Excuse me, Doctor, but the entire ship's complement is two hundred and thirty.

Even if there are only 230 people on board, they still need more than one doctor (insert rants about how the EMH should've been training a dozen nurses from Day One here). I get that this alternate reality is partially based on Beverly's knowledge, but she's still trained in command and she's still smarter than this. This should seem weird to everyone.

DATA: There are one hundred and fourteen people on the Enterprise.
CRUSHER: What?
DATA: That is the exact number there should be.
CRUSHER: There are now over nine hundred missing. Deck after deck of this ship is deserted now. How do you account for all the empty rooms? If there are supposed to be only a hundred and fourteen people on board, why all the extra space?
DATA: Transportation of colonists, diplomatic missions, emergency evacuations.
PICARD: Thank you, Mister Data. Have security confine all nonessential personnel to their quarters.

Diplomatic missions regularly involve hundreds of guests? And how are emergency evacuations supposed to work if there's only one doctor on board? And how can there be "nonessential personnel" if there are only 114 people on board?

CRUSHER: It's all perfectly logical to you, isn't it? The two of us roaming about the galaxy in the flagship of the Federation. No crew at all.
PICARD: We've never needed a crew before.

Have I mentioned how much I hate this episode yet? I hate Idiot Plots, I really do.

CRUSHER: Computer, is there more than one USS Enterprise?
COMPUTER: This vessel is the fifth starship to bear the name USS Enterprise. It is currently the only one in service.

Seriously, why did the NX-01 have to be called Enterprise? And as a meaningless aside, why was the prototype prefix used for a ship that was actually in service? Even the Excelsior went from NX-2000 to NCC-2000 when it entered real service.

CRUSHER: Estimated time to Tau Alpha C at warp nine point five.
COMPUTER: One hundred twenty three days.

I'm pretty sure that Beverly doesn't have the skills required to keep the warp drive working at that high speed for four months.

The Fiver

Wesley: I was testing Kosinski's Advanced Hyperspatial Propulsion Theorem.
Picard: "No matter where you go, there you are"?
Wesley: That's the one.

I've never seen Buckaroo Bonzai, but I know about his quote from popculture osmosis. This is also the motto of the Excelsior, the Phoenix, and the Hathaway (you'd think a given motto can only belong to one ship).

Crusher: Computer, what just happened?
Computer: The spherical universe we occupy is collapsing. Its periphery has just obliterated the forward edge of the ship's saucer section.
Crusher: Does that mean that Ten-Forward is now the Restaurant at the End of The Universe?
Computer: Very well put.

Ha ha.

Wesley: You want me to input the retrieval equations with my targeting computer off, my helmet blast shield down and my eyes closed?
Traveler: Wesley, trust me. Let go. Reach out with your feelings.
Wesley: Yes, Master.
Picard: (aside to La Forge) What are they talking about?
La Forge: (aside to Picard) Beats me. They lost me ten minutes ago when they were swordfighting against some little floating drone thingies.

I get the Force analogue, but this still seems like a stretch of a joke.

Memory Alpha

* McFadden didn't know she was pregnant when she did the stunts in this episode.

Nitpicker's Guide

* If the bubble is cutting off parts of the ship and exposing them to the equivalent of open space, how come the boundary can follow Crusher in the corridor without exposing her to explosive decompression?
* The bubble is contracting at 15 meters per second. That's 30 miles per hour, how is Crusher running that fast?

[Nate the Great]

October 29th, 1990, "Legacy"

Fiver by Wade the Sane Commodore

This will come up again, so let me get this out of the way: I hate long-lost relative episodes. I really do. I'll skip the long speech, so let's jump to this particular instance. Tasha should've evacuated all of her old family members and friends by now. And oh yeah, we SAW HER FUNERAL! Ishara deserves at least a namedrop there!

The Episode

DATA: I will raise you three.
RIKER: No cards? The best poker face I've ever seen.

Would Data's poker face get worse after he gets emotions? That's a whole other rant I could make.

RIKER: Take five. Throw them away.
(He does, literally, over his shoulder)

Troi has the best facefault. Just look at it.

Captain's log, stardate 44215.2. The Enterprise has bypassed its scheduled archaeological survey of Camus Two in response to a distress call from the Federation freighter Arcos, which has assumed an emergency orbit around Turkana Four, birthplace of our late comrade, Tasha Yar.

It gets painful sometimes how often the Enterprise is detoured away from actual exploratory missions to do something else. Incidentally, what's an "emergency orbit"?

DATA: The last Federation vessel to make contact was the Potemkin, six years ago. They were warned that anyone transporting down to the colony would be killed.

Yeah, that's cause for a coup if you ask me. The Klingons and Romulans would never agree to those terms, so why should the Federation?

RIKER: Are you offering to help us?
HAYNE: In return for some consideration. Phasers are in short supply down here. A starship isn't going to miss a few.

I'll buy that the necessary manufacturing infrastructure for proper phasers doesn't exist down here, but if these people have been fighting as long as claimed, you'd think they would've kluged together primitive equivalents by now.

RIKER: Riker to Enterprise. Energise.
(The team beam away)
HAYNE: I want everything there is to know about the starship Enterprise.

How would they have ANY information on the Enterprise or past crewman? The whole planet has been left to its own devices since Tasha escaped, or so we've been told. If anything their database should have info on the Enterprise-C.

TAN TSU [on monitor]: Enterprise, I'm being held by Turkana Four Alliance. I've been instructed to say that you have twenty hours to make reparations for Federation intrusion into this colony, or my pilot and I will be killed.

Federation intrusion? It's a damaged freighter!

I really don't like the entire premise of this colony. The government broke down until civil war broke out? The Federation wasn't maintaining contact? A starship wasn't visiting once a year to check up on things? This whole thing would fit so much better in an episode of TOS.

LAFORGE: Captain, if I could get to the myographic scanner.
ISHARA: What's that?
DATA: A sensing device from the escape pod. It monitors the bioelectric signatures of the crew, in the event they get separated from the pod.

Myography is the study of the mechanics of muscle contraction. It has nothing to do with bioelectric signatures. I'm not disputing the practicality of this kind of tracking device, but myography is not the right name for it.

ISHARA: You have Tasha's DNA on file?
CRUSHER: The ship's computer does. There's always some differentiation between sonomic chromosomes, but not enough to affect results. It should take me a few hours to run the sonomic comparison.

Gates McFadden mispronounces "somatic" here. A somatic chromosome is any chromosome that isn't X or Y. Technically correct, but I still would've used simpler Treknobabble.

ISHARA: That wasn't too bad. So, all that's left of my sister is a file in a computer.

Really? Putting aside Data's little holostatue, Tasha should've had other belongings that were put in storage for a time, just in case. Besides, there's other evidence of Tasha's presence, like all the lives she saved.

SHARA: Are you able to have friends?
DATA: Yes.
ISHARA: But you don't have feelings, do you?
DATA: Not as such. However, even among humans, friendship is sometimes less an emotional response and more a sense of familiarity.

TROI: Have you ever heard Data define friendship?
RIKER: No.
TROI: How did he put it? "As I experience certain sensory input patterns, my mental pathways become accustomed to them. The inputs eventually are anticipated and even missed when absent."

RIKER: In all trust, there is the possibility of betrayal. I'm not sure you were prepared for that.
DATA: Were you prepared, sir?
RIKER: I don't think anybody ever is.
DATA: Then it is better not to trust.
RIKER: Without trust, there's no friendship, no closeness. None of the emotional bonds that make us what we are.
DATA: And yet you put yourself at risk.
RIKER: Every single time.
DATA: Perhaps I am fortunate, sir, to be spared the emotional consequences.
RIKER: Perhaps.

A good message, but a bit hamfisted.

The Fiver

Data: The last starship here was warned not to beam anyone down. The colonists executed their first officer as a demonstration of their power, and threatened to do it to any other ship that came to the planet.
Picard: I see. Commander Riker, assemble your away team.
Riker: Aye sir. Oh, by the way, I made sugar cookies. You should grab a few before Troi scarfs them all down.
Picard: Ah, sugar cookies, my favorite! I think I'll have an Angel One.

I get the joke, but I'm not sure how much Angel One parallels this episode.

Hayne: The Alliance is holding your men. Our Coalition could get them back if we had some of your fancy heaters.
Riker: Oh no, only Federation types get to play with these guns.
Hayne: Come on, we only want a piece of the action.

See the previous comment, only substitute A Piece of the Action.

Crusher: I could take a blood sample! Let me go find an empty barrel!
Ishara: (gulp) How much does she need?
Riker: Just enough to prove you're not a changeling. But I'm asking the questions here. For instance, have any of your siblings served on previous Enterprises?
Ishara: No.
Riker: Correct. Now, do you have any nieces living on Romulus?
Ishara: No.

How would Ishara even know about Sela? I'll buy that most of Tasha's service record is probably public, but Sela's parentage claims are probably classified.

Data: Ah, Ishara, I'm gratified to see you've been issued a standard Starfleet catsuit.
La Forge: I'll say, kinda makes me want to go run some stimulations on the holodeck.
Barclay: (over the comm) You mean simulations, right Commander?
La Forge: Uh... yeah. I guess you've had enough experience to tell the difference.
Barclay: Holo-Janeway never hurts my feelings....

Just for funzies, I looked up what Janeway would be doing right now. It's 2367. No clue, this is after her command of the Bonestell (she left before it was destroyed in the Battle of Wolf 359) and before the launch of Voyager. Somewhere in here she meets Tuvok for the first time.

Ishara: Anything else you can tell me?
Data: I can't. I gave her my word.

For a fiver this is oddly open-ended.

Worf: You want me to sponsor your application to Starfleet Academy?
Ishara: Frankly, I think I can be quite an asset to Starfleet. With my extensive experience I could skip the lower ranks entirely and begin my career as a Commander. Maybe you should suggest that in your letter. Tell them you'd be honored to serve under me.
Worf: You have no desire to join Starfleet, do you?
Ishara: No, I'm afraid I don't.
Worf: Then why all this deception?
Ishara: Because lying is a skill like any other and if you want to maintain a level of excellence you have to practice constantly.
Worf: (to Riker) At the first sign of betrayal I will kill her, but I promise to return the body intact.

I get the reference to "In Purgatory's Shadow", but as Obscurus Lupa says, a reference is not a joke. There's no variation here, no subversion, no commentary, just pasting "Ishara" over "Garak."

Ishara: Commander, we have got to get out of this tunnel!
Worf: We need breathing room!
Data: Earth, Hitler, 1938.

Again, a reference is not a joke. And this one is even more of a stretch than the last one.

Ishara: Whatever it looks like, I am not overloading the Alliance's reactor.
Data: I cannot permit this to continue. (raises phaser)
Ishara: But... I thought we were friends.
Data: Ishara, I'm only going to tell you this just once. It never happened.

At least this time the references had twists. Although I must say that the idea of Data sleeping with Ishara is a little icky.

Memory Alpha

* 80th episode of TNG, thus breaking the TOS number. Although I'd argue that "Shades of Grey" doesn't really count as an episode.

Nitpickers Guide

* Data collects the chips as though Riker lost the bet. But Riker won, he found the card with Data's help! Did Data think that Riker wouldn't use tricks?
* Why didn't Crusher put Ishara's proximity detector back?
* Phil agrees with me, the colony's database is 15 years out of date. How did they know about Tasha's service on the Enterprise?

[Nate the Great]

November 5th, 1990, "Reunion"

No fiver (Zeke, is this one claimed already?)

The Episode

Captain's Log: Stardate 44246.3 We're investigating radiation anomalies reported in the Gamma Arigulon system by the starship LaSalle. Preliminary readings are inconclusive.

I hate disposable missions that the "real" plot distracts our crew from. Of course, I wouldn't want an episode about radiation anomalies, but the radiation anomalies can be the backdrop to some character work.

PICARD: Lieutenant, please receive our guest.
WORF: Captain, I must request permission to send another officer.
PICARD: May I know your reason?
WORF: My dishonour among Klingons may offend Ambassador K'Ehleyr.
PICARD: Lieutenant, you are a member of this crew, and you will not go into hiding whenever a Klingon ship uncloaks.
WORF: I withdraw my request, sir.

I get the need for a quick recap here, but not the application to K'Ehleyr. She doesn't care about "Klingon nonsense."

K'EHLEYR: Sorry. I just thought you might want to talk. A few minutes ago, you looked like someone with a question to ask.
WORF: Must I ask the question?
K'EHLEYR: Yes, you must.

So K'Ehleyr's old character trait of trying to take control of every conversation with Worf continues. I don't like it in this case. She's about to declare her desire to marry him, she should be more mature than this.

K'EHLEYR: The Klingon Empire is at a critical juncture. We may be facing civil war.
RIKER: War over what?
K'EHLEYR: The usual excuses. Tradition, duty, honour.
DATA: The word excuses implies ulterior motives for a conflict.
K'EHLEYR: I won't bore you with the intricacies of Klingon politics.

I don't associate this conflict with "tradition", "duty", OR "honor". "Glory" by all means, "power", "reputation", etc.

PICARD: Do you believe there is a threat to the Federation in this struggle?
K'EHLEYR: Klingon wars seldom remain confined to the Empire. Sooner or later they'll drag in the neighbouring star systems, then the Tholians, the Ferengi. The Federation won't be able to stay out of it for long.

I can't really see the Ferengi being pulled into this war. The Breen or the Gorn would be a better fit here.

K'MPEC: No one on the Council can be trusted.

I'm dubious at this, but that's a whole other speech.

K'MPEC: You are an accomplished mediator. This is no different than any other dispute requiring your services.

I'd argue that the Federation doesn't choose leaders of other governments, but you could argue that if there was such a law Kirk broke it several times. "Plato's Stepchildren" comes to mind immediately.

K'MPEC: Find the assassin. The Klingon who kills without showing his face has no honour. He must not lead the Empire. Such a man would be capable of anything. Even war with the Federation.

There's a whole speech about the malleability of the Khitomer Accords to be had here, but I'd be tempted to compare it to Brexit and other such nonsense.

Captain's log, supplemental. K'mpec, who ruled the Klingon Empire longer than anyone in history, is dead.

Memory Alpha doesn't state how long he served, but there's a novel that states that he became Chancellor in 2346, dying in 2367. Twenty-one years being the longest term is a little disturbing, but not unexpected for Klingons. Although I do wonder why nobody challenged this guy, K'mpec doesn't seem fit enough for a bat'leth duel.

FYI, Azetbur only served 18 years, being assassinated in 2311. Gorkon only lasted for a year.

ALEXANDER: Where are the other Klingons?
WORF: There are no others on board.
ALEXANDER: Why?
WORF: The Federation and the Klingon Empire were enemies for many years. No other Klingons have asked to serve in Starfleet.

Insert Klingon civilian scientists joke here. I've made enough of them in the past.

WORF: He knows nothing of our ways!
K'EHLEYR: Our ways? You mean Klingon ways, don't you?
WORF: He is Klingon!
K'EHLEYR: He is also my son and I am half-human. He will find his own ways.

I gotta ask, how long were they living in Klingon space? How long has K'Ehleyr been Ambassador? Has it been only a year or four since she was on the Enterprise?

K'EHLEYR: What would you have done? That's right. You would have insisted that we take the oath, just as tradition would demand.

This is a whole other discussion. I would've forgiven the "sex=marriage" thing as early NextGen weirdness, but Dax makes reference to this later. Plus we know that Klingon prostitutes exist.

K'EHLEYR: Why did you accept discommendation from the High Council?
WORF: My father was accused of collaborating with the Romulans at Khitomer.
K'EHLEYR: I know. And I also know that you challenged it.
WORF: Yes at first. Ultimately I withdrew my challenge.
K'EHLEYR: But why, Worf? I can't believe you'd just give up. What really happened?

Over at TVTropes I asked why he wouldn't tell her, the only plausible explanation is that Worf knows that she has poor impulse control and would cause a scene.

PICARD: The Sonchi ceremony will take place in one hour aboard K'mpec's ship.
DURAS [on viewscreen]: One hour? What is the delay?
PICARD: There is no delay. It is the time I have chosen.

I like it when Picard gets petty, it humanizes him.

PICARD: Worf, the next few days will be difficult for you
WORF: You have made it clear that I am to perform my regular duties, sir.
PICARD: I want you to know that I am aware of your discomfort.
WORF: Thank you, sir.

A good exchange, it's a pity that Janeway never had a similar scene to humanize her. Then again, such a thing would require a plot to be about someone other than her, and how often did that happen?

WORF: Well, I know little of Gowron. Only that he is an outsider who has often challenged the Council.

A funny moment that I added to TVTropes. Worf will grow to know Gowron VERY well and will be the one to kill him!

PICARD: Qab jIH nagil

This is a challenge: "Face me if you dare!"

WORF: As Head of Security, it is my duty to be concerned.
K'EHLEYR: Is that it? Just official concern for my well being?
WORF: You know my feelings.
K'EHLEYR: Maybe I've forgotten.
WORF: You were right. I would have insisted we take the oath. But not just because of tradition.
K'EHLEYR: I thought about telling you. Wanted to tell you. But I wasn't ready. When I left, you said you'd never be complete without me. It took some time but, I came to realise I need you too. You're part of me, Worf.
WORF: jIH dok.
K'EHLEYR: maj dok.

A nice scene, it's always nice to see K'Ehleyr with her guard down. He said "my blood" and she said "our blood." Not very romantic to me, but I'm not a Klingon.

WORF: No, I cannot allow you to suffer my humiliation.
K'EHLEYR: There would be no suffering I don't care what other Klingons think of you.
WORF: But what of the boy? He may want to live in the Empire someday.

"And if he did he'd be the most pathetic soldier in the fleet! Why, I wouldn't be surprised if he flooded a corridor with superheated hydraulic fluid someday!"