50th Anniversary TOS Episode Discussion Marathon

[Nate the Great]

PART TWO

The Fiver

Scotty: Sir! There be darkness here!

Interesting place for a Voyage Home joke...

Kirk: How're the shields, Scotty?
Scotty: Eh? What're these things called "shields" that you mention?
Kirk: Look, just find a way to pull a techno-rabbit out of the warp core like you always do.
Scotty: Uh, sure, but... what's a "warp core"?

As best as I can figure, the joke is supposed to be that these technobabble terms don't exist at this point in TOS, they'd say "deflectors" and "engines".

Kirk: Did everyone survive?
Chekov: Aye, sir -- but what's happened to all the stars?
Valen: Welcome to... the Void.
Spock: Scientifically speaking, this isn't truly a void if you're already in it.
Valen: (grumbles) Whatever, big-ears, just as long as you don't have a crazy coffee-drinking redheaded woman on board.

Valen is a character from the Voyager episode "The Void". There are some similarities between the episodes, but I think the joke was a bit forced in this case.

Scotty: Captain, we've (gasp) lost his signal -- Mr. Spock is dead!
McCoy: Wha--? That's my line! I'll kill you!

Scotty should've used "he's dead, Captain" to fit McCoy's joke format better. I don't like the death threat; Bones could've made a more appropriate threat, like "next time you need a shot I'm using a REAL needle!"

Uhura: Not yet, there's another message from Starfleet coming through --
Kirk: Huh--? What do they want now?
Uhura: They've just found a crazy woman with red hair who keeps on asking for a cup of coffee.
Kirk, Spock, and McCoy: (stick fingers in ears while loudly whistling)

The horror! The trio should've hummed along with the end-of-episode fanfare, though.

Memory Alpha

* There's confusion about the Intrepid's class and registry number. Eventually it was given NCC-1631 and fixed as Constitution-class. Robert Justman wanted a Vulcan name, but this never happened. In future eras the Hera and T'Kumbra will also have predominately Vulcan crews, and you have to wonder if the T'Pau did as well.
** As an aside, I wonder why assign "Intrepid" to a Vulcan ship. Of the initial batch of Constitution-class ships, I'd think ''Constellation'' or ''Endeavor'' would fit better.
* Last appearance of the shuttlecraft interior, and yet they spent money to refit the set. Weird...
* First episode after Paramount bought Desilu, so now the Paramount logo is at the end of the episode.
* The writers of Memory Alpha attempts to work around the conflicting comments as to whether or not Vulcan has been conquered by saying that it was one of the Vulcan colonies that were conquered. I see no need for such blatant plot-hole patching, just say that McCoy was drunk when he made the earlier comment and Spock wasn't in the mood to correct him at that time.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil points out that the E-D finds another area of blackness in "The Immunity Syndrome" and yet doesn't mention this episode.

[Nate the Great]

Recently I acquired a number of back issues of Star Trek: The Magazine. One of them has an article about the writing of the opening monologue. I thought that you might enjoy seeing some of the drafts, all of which came from the staff bouncing memos back and forth on August 2nd, 1966:

This is the story of the United Space Ship Enterprise. Assigned a five year patrol of our galaxy, the giant starship visits earth colonies, regulates commerce, and explores strange new worlds and civilizations. These are its voyages...and its adventures.

Gotta love Gene's perpetual hypocrisy, he puts commerce right in the draft. This version seems like it'd be read by a narrator and not Kirk. Call me a romantic, but I still prefer referring to the Enterprise as "her" where practical. Her voyages and adventures.

This is the adventure of the United Space Ship Enterprise. Assigned a five year patrol, the bold crew of the giant starship explores the excitement of strange new worlds, uncharted civilizations and exotic people. These are its voyages and adventures...

Is this five year mission one big adventure or a series of smaller adventures? Because you can't have it both ways in three sentences, Gene! Including both "civilizations" and "people" seems redundant, the only instance I can think of in TOS where it wouldn't be is the Guardian of Forever.

John D.F. Black, a story consultant and associate producer, proposed this...

Space, the final frontier. Endless, silent, waiting. This is the story of the United Space Ship Enterprise. It's mission, a five year patrol of the galaxy, to seek out and contact all alien life, to explore, to travel the vast galaxy where no man has gone before. A Star Trek.

It's quite interesting how often the early days of TOS treated the entire galaxy as traverseable in a reasonable amount of time, isn't it?

Then Robert Justman, an assistant director and producer, came back with this...

This is the story of the Starship Enterprise. It's mission: to advance knowledge, contact alien life and enforce intergalactic law. To explore the strange new worlds where no man has gone before.

Now that's starting to sound familiar!

The final version didn't appear in a memo until August 10th.

Looking at these, it could get confusing trying to figure out what the Enterprise's mission actually is. After all, scientific exploration, cultural exploration, and police/military action seem like almost mutually exclusive objectives, don't they? And if this is taking place in the context of a patrol around the perimeter of the Federation that's supposed to take five years, does that mean that all of the Constitution-classes are meant to follow this course spaced out like carousel animals?

[NAHTMMM]

Neat!

[Nate the Great]

February 2nd, 1968, "A Private Little War"

Fiver (by IJD GAF)
Transcript
Memory Alpha

The Episode

Main points:
* Depending on the scene the Prime Directive either does or does not exist. Depending on the scene the Organian Peace Treaty either does or does not exist. The problem is that editing wouldn't fix the plot; it's fundamentally flawed no matter what the current state of Federation regulations or diplomatic relations with the Klingons are.
* It was a big mistake to not introduce a natural resource or strategic position to justify the Klingon presence here. They're devoting a lot of attention and resources to claiming this planet. If they were going to take the locals elsewhere to put them to work as slaves they could've done it a few people at a time and the Federation wouldn't have known until it was too late.
* I did a lot of research into how well the history of firearm development on Earth corresponds to what's going on here, but it got to be too lengthy and this episode is not worth two posts. Suffice to say that while the general sequence of weapons shown is acceptable, a lot of the needed infrastructure is simply ignored. The Klingons are devoting a lot of men and resources to a planet that has no exploitable resources.

UHURA: Message to Starbase, sir?
KIRK: No point in giving ourselves away, Lieutenant. Not until we find out what's going on.

I suppose alternatives like sending a probe aren't even worth discussing, they wouldn't get a response in time.

SCOTT: We can hide for a while, sir, but we may have to go out of orbit to keep it up for long.

Insert questions about how far away you have to be from a planet before you can go into warp here. If the implication is that Starfleet sensors are better than Klingon sensors in this case, why can't the Enterprise keep hiding if they know where the Klingon ship is?

Captain's log, stardate 4211.4. Keeping our presence here secret is an enormous tactical advantage, therefore I cannot risk contact with Starfleet Command. I must take action on my own judgment. I've elected to violate orders and make contact with planet inhabitants.

What orders? The Prime Directive? The opportunity to preserve that is gone. Couldn't Kirk say that he doesn't have time to wait for orders from Starfleet?

NONA: I am a Kahn-ut-tu woman. In all this land, how many are there? Men seek us because through us they become great leaders.

So these women don't want power directly, they want to use their husbands as puppets? There's a debate I won't pursue further...

NONA: Our blood has passed through the mahko root together. Our souls have been together. He is mine now.
TYREE: She must sleep also.
MCCOY: He is hers?
TYREE: When a man and woman are joined in this manner, he can refuse her no wish. But it is only legend.

Another debate I don't care to pursue further. I'm not in a poke-the-anthill-with-a-stick frame of mind today.

TYREE: The firesticks first appeared nearly a year ago. Since that time, many of my people have died.
KIRK: You say they make the firesticks themselves? How can you be sure?
TYREE: I've looked into their village. I have seen it being done.

The Klingons set up the infrastructure and taught the locals how to use it in a matter of months? I'm reminded of Kirk in "The Trouble With Tribbles": Though the Klingons are brutal and aggressive, they are most efficient.

KIRK: We once were as you are, Spears, arrows. There came a time when our weapons grew faster than our wisdom, and we almost destroyed ourselves.

Totally not an anti-Vietnam message, honest! One could almost wonder when our weapons technology didn't grow faster than our wisdom...

KIRK: But we're wise enough to know that we are wise enough not to interfere with the way of a man or another world.

I get what he was going for, but that certainly doesn't seem like the most efficient way to say that...

MCCOY: Do I have to say it? It's not bad enough there's one serpent in Eden teaching one side about gun powder. You want to make sure they all know about it!
KIRK: Exactly. Each side receives the same knowledge and the same type of firearm.
MCCOY: Have you gone out of your mind?

Yes, he has. Stun everyone, take all the guns and associated equipment, and let them figure out how to make these things from scratch. Problem solved, and it's hardly the worst Prime Directive violation these guys will be guilty of.

KIRK: Bones, do you remember the twentieth century brush wars on the Asian continent? Two giant powers involved, much like the Klingons and ourselves. Neither side felt could pull out.
MCCOY: Yes, I remember. It went on bloody year after bloody year.
KIRK: What would you have suggested, that one side arm its friends with an overpowering weapon? Mankind would never have lived to travel space if they had. No. The only solution is what happened back then. Balance of power.

And removing all of the guns to achieve balance of power isn't an option? I appreciate the anti-Vietnam message, but Kirk takes it in an odd direction. I can't agree that "lengthy war"="will never reach space". If that were the case we'd have never reached space ourselves.

The Fiver

McCoy: (ahem) Reporting as ordered, sir.
Kirk: How's Spock? Hic.
McCoy: Dunno. Some crazy upstart doctor who claims to have interned at a Vulcan hospital is with him.

M'Benga a "crazy upstart doctor"? Where'd that come from?

Kirk: Me tired. Kirk go sleep now.
Nona: Your captain is now mine forever. (faints)
McCoy: I feel like I missed something very wrong and very dirty.

I suddenly wonder if Nona blood and Elaan tears cancel each other out.

Klingon: Come, let me show you the next technological improvement we will make to your weaponry.
Apella: I still can't think of a logical reason why Klingons would be giving weapons to pre-warp civilizations.
Klingon: We're turning you into Klingons, not Vulcans, dammit!

Hehe. I've covered this before.

McCoy: Just what in the hell do you think you're doing?
Kirk: Teaching them to fight back against the village people.
McCoy: First, they're villagers, not village people. Second, that's the single worst violation of the Prime Directive I've ever heard.

Y.M.C.A.! It's not the single worst violation of the Prime Directive that I've ever heard of. I'd have to give it some thought, but I'm sure this episode is not it.

Kirk: Can't... stupefied by... infatuation....

Tyree: Look! He has been stupefied by my wife's spells!

"Stupefied" means either shocked or being influenced by an ingested mind-altering substance. I think you meant "dazzled" or similar.

[Nate the Great]

February 9th, 1968, "Return to Tomorrow"

Fiver (by IJD GAF)
Transcript
Memory Alpha

The Episode

There are several instances in the beginning of the episode where Sargon uses his power to strongarm our crew into doing what he wants and nothing else. This shouldn't encourage trust on the part of our crew, and they should've left and let him rot.

SPOCK: Not even a Vulcan can know the unknown, Captain. We are hundreds of light years past where any Earth ship has ever explored.

Once again we see that despite the creators' word to the contrary, speeds in TOS are faster. We don't have any indication that the ship has been on this mission for months, do we? "Earth ship"...cue Azetbur cliche, moving on...

KIRK: Log entry out. How long before Starfleet receives that?
UHURA: Over three weeks at this distance, sir.

Once again subspace is portrayed as being much slower than it should be. The problem is...why is a three week delay needed for the events of this episode?

SPOCK: Coming from deep under the planet's surface, Captain. Under at least one hundred miles of solid rock.
SARGON [OC]: I will make it possible for your transporter to beam you that deep beneath the surface. Have no fear.

The amount of rock that the transporter can punch through is rather inconsistent, but at least the writers were aware of it this time and handwaved the problem away. Good for them.

KIRK: Composition of walls?
SPOCK: They're an alloy or substance completely unknown to me. Much stronger and harder than anything I've measured before.
MULHALL: All readings are off the scale, Captain.

I hate how the creators keep saying that alien races have these supermaterials when it just isn't needed and only creates plot holes. Just say that there's a jamming field and you can't get exact readings, then move on!

SARGON: Sealed in this receptacle is the essence of my mind.
SPOCK: Pure energy. Matter without form.
KIRK: Impossible.

Yes, it is! "Pure energy" and "matter" are mutually exclusive and not needed as it only creates plot holes. "A mixture of plasma and unknown energy" is sufficient for these purposes.

KIRK: That's twice you've referred to us as my children.
SARGON: Because it is possible you are our descendants, Captain Kirk. Six thousand centuries ago, our vessels were colonising this galaxy, just as your own starships have now begun to explore that vastness. As you now leave your own seed on distant planets, so we left our seed behind us. Perhaps your own legends of an Adam and an Eve were two of our travellers.
MULHALL: Our beliefs and our studies indicate that life on our planet, Earth, evolved independently.
SPOCK: That would tend, however, to explain certain elements of Vulcan prehistory.
SARGON: In either case, I do not know.

More unneeded plotholes, grrr. Sargon calls humans "my children" because the race is so young compared to his! That's all that's needed!

KIRK: We knew the seed that we had planted on other planets would take root, that one day you would build vessels as we did, and one day you would come here.

Ugh. "We knew that there had to be other intelligent races in the universe, and eventually they would find our planet" is more than sufficient.

SCOTT: A starship engine the size of a walnut? That's impossible. But I don't suppose there'd be any harm in looking over diagrams on it.

Ha ha. Scotty is such a hypocrite.

KIRK: They used to say if man could fly, he'd have wings. But he did fly. He discovered he had to. Do you wish that the first Apollo mission hadn't reached the moon, or that we hadn't gone on to Mars and then to the nearest star? That's like saying you wish that you still operated with scalpels and sewed your patients up with catgut like your great-great-great-great-grandfather used to. I'm in command. I could order this. But I'm not because, Doctor McCoy is right in pointing out the enormous danger potential in any contact with life and intelligence as fantastically advanced as this. But I must point out that the possibilities, the potential for knowledge and advancement is equally great. Risk. Risk is our business. That's what the starship is all about. That's why we're aboard her. You may dissent without prejudice. Do I hear a negative vote?

Ah, the classic "Risk is our business" speech. I keep imagining this speech being in other episodes.

SPOCK/HENOCH: This is an excellent body, Doctor. I seem to have received the best of the three. Strength, hearing, eyesight, all far above your human norms. I'm surprised the Vulcans never conquered your race.

Cue "Enterprise" joke. I find it hard to parse what knowledge these guys can get from their hosts' minds, and what they can't. Does Henoch not have access to Spock's memories, or was that last line blatant "I'm evil" exposition for the benefit of the audience? I thought Gene treated Trek viewers as more intelligent and perceptive than this...

The Fiver

Kirk: Wouldn't it be ironic if the longest, greatest speech of Star Trek was reduced to the shortest scene in this fiver?
Spock: Yep. Risky too.

Ha ha.

Sorry, the fiver is fine, but nothing else really jumped out at me.

Memory Alpha

* Takei is finally back after filming The Green Berets. It's a shame, as this is an episode that definitely didn't need him, whereas some of the other episodes could've made use of the character.
* First appearance of Diane Muldar in the first of her three roles.
* Mulhall is a lieutenant commander, the highest-ranking named woman in TOS.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil wonders why Thalassa was so opposed to this android body simply because it wasn't a perfect humanoid substitute. He asks why gradual upgrades weren't considered, and points out that perfect humanoid duplicates have been seen in episodes like "What are Little Girls Made Of" and "I, Mudd". I also point out that in "I, Mudd" the androids didn't seem to be opposed to turning our heroes into one of them.
* Kirk declares that beings of pure energy are impossible, but we've seen multiple examples of such in "Metamorphosis", "Obsession", and "Wolf in the Fold."

YouTube

* Meeting Sargon, and "our children".
* "Risk is our business!"
* Thalassa tries to bargain with McCoy.

[Nate the Great]

February 16th, 1968, "Patterns of Force"

Fiver (by Kristina)
Transcript
Memory Alpha

The Episode

MCCOY: Starfleet's been trying for six months. If he's alive, isn't it unlikely that he'd receive us now?

Six months? Starfleet has been trying to call Gill for six months with absolutely no response, and it took this long? I know that travel times are supposed to be a little longer in this era, but six months is just unforgivable no matter which way you look at it.

SPOCK: Zeons do have a crude interplanetary capability. Reaction powered. A small rocket. It is on an intercept course. That would mean it has sophisticated detection devices which neither Zeon nor Ekos should have.

In other words, Gill gave these people subspace capabilities. The problem is, in all other ways the planet seems like yet another twentieth century equivalent planet, which means our people never should've been there. Is the Prime Directive optional depending on the day of the week or something?

KIRK: We've run into a far more serious problem than the disappearance of John Gill. Spock, you and I will beam down. Bones, one precaution. Prepare a subcutaneous transponder in the event we can't use our communicators.

The problem with subcutaneous transponders is that while they're a completely logical and reasonable precaution, they open up a complete can of worms. Let's assume for the moment that these things can't be continually installed (eventually they'd cause body damage, the batteries don't have more than a few days of charge, etc.), that doesn't mean that there aren't umpteen other episodes in all series that would benefit from their inclusion. It's a logistical headache.

KIRK: Insert the transponders. Make one low pass to communication range in three hours. If we fail to make contact at the appointed time, take our co-ordinates from the transponder and beam us aboard no matter what our condition may be.

Again, fair enough, but it's another can of worms. If such precautions were taken in all episodes we'd miss out on many adventures. Plots that are resolved in ten minutes aren't very exciting.

KIRK: How could this have happened? The chances of another planet developing a culture like Nazi Germany, using the forms, the symbols, the uniforms of twentieth century Earth are so fantastically slim.

But a planet reproducing ancient Rome is completely reasonable? Is Hodgkin's Law of Parallel Planet Development a thing in-universe or not?

KIRK: John Gill was the kindest, gentlest man I ever knew.

I'm not disputing this, but it's an interesting thought experiment: can you think of another of Kirk's old friends that would better fit this description?

SPOCK: Now, the rubindium crystals should find enough power here to achieve the necessary stimulus. As I recall from the history of physics, the ancient lasers were able to achieve the necessary excitation, even using crude natural crystals.

Using radio crystals to make a laser beam...I'll just link to the MacGyver theme and move on...

SPOCK: Captain, I'm beginning to understand why you Earthmen enjoy gambling. No matter how carefully one computes the odds of success, there is still a certain exhilaration in the risk.
KIRK: Very good, Spock. We may make a human of you yet.
SPOCK; I hope not.

Spock admitting to feeling an emotion? Good exchange, though.

DARAS: There's one chance left. If you'd use the weapons you have, you could destroy the fleet.
KIRK: That would mean the death of thousands of Ekosian spacemen.
ISAK: Many of my friends are aboard that ship, many of the Underground.
DARAS: Yes, but against those thousands are millions of innocent Zeon lives. You've got to choose the lesser of two evils.

Picard saying that he refuses to let arithmetic decide questions like that comes to mind...

KIRK: Gill. Gill, why did you abandon your mission? Why did you interfere with this culture?
GILL: Planet fragmented. Divided. Took lesson from Earth history.
KIRK: But why Nazi Germany? You studied history. You knew what the Nazis were.
GILL: Most efficient state Earth ever knew.
SPOCK: Quite true, Captain. That tiny country, beaten, bankrupt, defeated, rose in a few years to stand only one step away from global domination.
KIRK: But it was brutal, perverted, had to be destroyed at a terrible cost. Why that example?
SPOCK: Perhaps Gill felt that such a state, run benignly, could accomplish its efficiency without sadism.
KIRK: Why, Gill? Why?
GILL: Worked. At first it worked.

First, in what universe were the Nazis the most efficient state Earth ever knew? I'm not going to go too deep into this, but I just had to put that out there. Second, how could a "benign with no sadism" version of Nazism ever work? It kind of defeats the point of being Nazis, doesn't it?

GILL: (shot and dying in Kirk's arms) I was wrong. The non-interference Directive is the only way. We must stop the slaughter.
KIRK: You did that, Professor. You told them in time.
GILL: Even historians fail to learn from history. They repeat the same mistakes. Let the killing end.

Talk about soapboxing. Trek has had a much better record of getting the message across in more subtle and thought-provoking ways than this.

SPOCK: With the union of two cultures, this system would make a fine addition to the Federation.

You know, once they invent warp drive on their own and all. The Enterprise did remove the subspace technology and all the transtators that were undoubtedly a part of it, right? RIGHT?

MCCOY: It also proves another Earth saying. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Darn clever, these Earthmen, wouldn't you say?
SPOCK: Yes. Earthmen like Ramses, Alexander, Caesar, Napoleon, Hitler, Lee Kuan.

Lee Luan will be cited by Garth of Izar later, he will be a despot sometime in the future. Presumably he'll be a figure in World War III. One wonders why Khan wasn't included in this group.

The Fiver

Kirk: It's so Earth-like. Nudge, nudge, know what I mean?
Spock: Fascinating how we always seem to run into those environments...
Zeon Man: Hide -- they're right behind me!
Ekosian Guard: On your feet, Zeon pig! Now march -- it's off to the Ministry of Silly Walks.

Odd place for Monty Python jokes, but okay...

Kirk: Nazi Germany, and John Gill as the Fuhrer -- what are the odds of that?
Spock: You should know better than to get me started on those calculations.

Yes, he should.

Spock: This Zeon is by no means a cover-up.
Ekosian Guard: But your helmet is. Into the comfy chairs you both go!

Monty Python again? Just for that I'm linking to the theme song...

Kirk: How do we get out of this prison?
Spock: I say we couple our transponder chips, make a crude laser, and burn a metal lock.
Kirk: Only in the world of Star Trek....

Or MacGyver, as I've already discussed.

Spock: I know where John is -- over in Wilke's Booth, drugged.

Clever.

Kirk: We need to get through to John Gill. Spock, any ideas?
Spock: Captain, remember.... Wenn ist das Nunstuck git und Slotermeyer?
Kirk: Sure -- yes.... Ja. Beierhund das oder die Flipperwald gesprut!
Guards: HAHAHAH-- GAK!

This is referencing The Funniest Joke in the World sketch, again from Monty Python. Don't bother putting that into Google Translate by the way, it's gibberish.

Memory Alpha

* This episode wasn't broadcast in Germany until 1996, and even then on pay TV.
* This "Nazis were efficient" idea was widespread at the time but has since been debunked. Well, duh...

Nitpicker's Guide

* Kirk and Spock left their phasers behind. Why aren't transponders built into the equipment as well so they can be retrieved later?

[Nate the Great]

February 23rd, 1968, "By Any Other Name"

No fiver
Transcript
Memory Alpha

The Episode

SPOCK: What brings you here?
ROJAN: Within ten millennia, high radiation levels in our galaxy will make life there impossible. So the Kelvan Empire sent forth ships to explore other galaxies, to search for one which our race could conquer and occupy.

This whole situation deserves a little more scrutiny. Their entire galaxy will be uninhabitable? Where are these high radiation levels coming from? There are so many Kelvans that they need an entire galaxy to occupy?

KELINDA: Our ships were of multigeneration design. We were born in the intergalactic void. We shall die there during our return journey.
ROJAN: And our mission will be completed by a commander who is my descendant.

So...is there a ruling class system, or has Rojan's family's genetic structure been altered to make them all ideal commanders? Why would his son necessarily be the right choice?

KIRK: What happened to your ship?
ROJAN: There is an energy barrier at the rim of your galaxy.
KIRK: Yes, I know. We've been there.

Back in "Where No Man Has Gone Before." It's a shame that this really won't be followed up on in future series. The novels have had a great time trying to figure out what the Galactic Barrier is and is not, I especially refer you to the Q-Continuum trilogy of novels.

SPOCK: Why use our vessel? Why not transmit a message to your galaxy?
ROJAN: No form of transmission can penetrate the barrier.

So...go past the barrier, drop a relay bouy, then come back and check up on the bouy every few years to see if you've gotten a response. Not that complicated.

KIRK: Rojan, there's no reason to do this by force. Let's take your problem to the Federation. Research expeditions have catalogued hundreds of uninhabited planets in this galaxy suitable for colonization.
ROJAN: We do not colonize. We conquer. We rule. There's no other way for us.

You mean you've been taught to conquer, not colonize. Every single thing that you know about Kelvan society has been altered by generations of educational drift. Besides, who says that dogma has to guide your every action?

ROJAN: These shells in which we've encased ourselves, they have such heightened senses. To feel. To hear. To smell. How do humans manage to exist in these fragile cases?
HANAR: Since the ship was designed to sustain these forms, we have little choice.

Heightened senses I can understand, but Rojan is implying that in his natural form he neither feels, hears, or smells, and that's just ridiculous. As for "fragile", probably yes, but I fail to see why the Kelvans couldn't make more durable humanoid bodies. Closer to Khan, or androids, or whatever.

ROJAN: I think we're somewhat alike, Captain. Each of us cares less for his own safety than for the lives of his command. We feel pain when others suffer for our mistakes. Your punishment shall be to watch them die.

Invoking the Not So Different trope can backfire very easily, and I think this is one such case. While in this case Rojan makes good points, they're very superficial traits.

ROJAN: Bring them to me. This is the essence of what they were. The flesh and brain and what you call the personality, distilled down into these compact shapes. And once crushed (he demonstrates) this person is dead. However, that one can be restored.

So the water has been taken out and the matter has been rearranged into a structure that holds an equivalent of a transporter pattern. A clever idea, but I'm not sure that it'd be that simple.

SPOCK: The power source is protected by a material we cannot breach even with our phasers. Mister Scott and I have prepared the means for the only logical alternative available to us.
KIRK: What alternative?
SPOCK: The barrier we must penetrate is composed of negative energy.
SCOTT: I have opened the control valves to the matter-anti-matter nacelles. On your signal, I will flood them with positive energy.

First, the power source being shielded has nothing to do with sabotaging other aspects of the propulsion system. Second, opening the control valves to the nacelles will destroy the ship by itself, as uncontrolled warp plasma can do an awful lot of damage.

ROJAN: There aren't enough of us to efficiently guard all of you of the time. Further, the food synthesisers cannot manufacture enough food for the entire journey. We are therefore neutralising all nonessential personnel.

And Kirk is considered "essential"? Even the Nitpicker's Guide commented on this one. This also came up in "The Ultimate Computer."

ROJAN: Well, I do not understand this business of pressing with the lips to apologise.
SPOCK: I believe you're referring to a kiss. But it is my understanding that such apologies are usually exchanged between people who have some affection for each other.
ROJAN: Kelinda has no affection for Captain Kirk.
SPOCK: Your game is off. Are you disturbed by the incident?
ROJAN: Why should I be disturbed?
SPOCK: You've known Kelinda for some time. She's a Kelvan as you are. Among humans, I've found the symptoms you're displaying usually indicate jealousy.
ROJAN: I have no reason for such a reaction. Kelinda's a female, nothing more.
SPOCK: Captain Kirk seems to find her quite attractive.
ROJAN: Well, of course she is!
SPOCK: You are not jealous?
ROJAN: No!
SPOCK: Nor upset?
ROJAN: Certainly not.
SPOCK: Checkmate.

Ha ha. Good scene. The gentleman doth protest too much, methinks.

TOMAR: What is it?
SCOTT: Well, it's, er. (peers at it, sniffs it) It's green.

Always a classic. Even so, shouldn't the identity of these things be written on the bottles, or is Scotty so drunk he can't see clearly?

KELINDA: (coming up for air) Rojan has forbidden me to see you.
KIRK: Yes, that's too bad. Why do you defy him?
KELINDA: It's not a question of defiance. We were told to find out everything we could about you.
KIRK: Huh. And how's the research going?
KELINDA: I need some more experiments.

Ha ha.

KIRK: I'm stimulating him. (McCoy pushes him back into the fight.) You have no choice. To use this ship, you have to use our form and now you're stuck with it, you and your descendants, for the next three hundred years.

Yeah, about that. Did the Kelvans permanently turn themselves into human beings, down to their reproductive systems? That seems to be the idea. So when the ship full of humans with hundreds of years of values-warping arrives in Andromeda, what happens? Either they're executed, or every Kelvan who wants to colonize the Milky Way turns themselves into a human being? Unless you want to tell me that with the Enterprise's sensor logs of the Galactic Barrier the Kelvans can refit their ships to handle it. We could be here all day.

ROJAN: You would really do that? You would extend welcome to invaders?
(They finally stop fighting.)
KIRK: No. But we would welcome friends.

Always a great line.

ROJAN: And you. You would wish to remain with him?
KELINDA: He's most interesting, but I wish to go with you. I believe I owe you an apology. (she kisses Rojan) It's most pleasurable.
ROJAN: Yes. Very curious.
KIRK: You see, Rojan, being human does have certain advantages. Being able to appreciate the beauty of a flower or a woman.

Great scene.

Memory Alpha

* Last Sulu-less episode made during his Green Berets absence. "Return to Tomorrow" was made after this one and aired before.
* This episode is referenced in Good Eats when Alton describes what's in the human body besides water.

YouTube

* Two crewman being turned into blocks.
* The key might be stimulating the Kelvans, and "It is green".
* D.C. Fontana tells the story of the creation of the dehydrated block idea. I don't think I'd ever seen or heard Fontana before, only read about her.

[Nate the Great]

March 1st, 1968, "The Omega Glory"

Sorry, but I missed the switch from Th/F to W/Th in the anniversary airdates. Was there a leap-year somewhere to throw the airdates off?

Fiver (by IJD GAF)
Transcript
Memory Alpha

Here we go, the episode that plays like a "best of" for TOS cliches. Absurd science, absurd parallel development, complete disregard for the Prime Directive, real-world technical terms misused, Kirk speeches...

The Episode

MCCOY: These white crystals. That's what's left of the human body when you take the water away, which makes up ninety six percent of our bodies. Without water, we're all just three or four pounds of chemicals. Something crystallised them down to this.

Two episodes in a row where people have all of the water removed from their bodies. Of course back in "By Another Name" the powder had to be in a structured form to preserve the structure of their bodies and personality. No one noticed this and suggested spacing out the scripts a bit?

Captain's log, supplemental. The Enterprise has left the Exeter and moved into close planet orbit. Although it appears the infection may strand us here the rest of our lives, I face an even more difficult problem. A growing belief that Captain Tracey has been interfering with the evolution of life on this planet. It seems impossible. A star captain's most solemn oath is that he will give his life, even his entire crew, rather than violate the Prime Directive.

Interfere with the evolution of life? If we're using a definition broad enough to make this true (i.e. we're introducing alien bacteria and ideas that will alter the choices made by the locals), then almost any mission would be guilty of this. I think he means he development of civilization.

MCCOY: Our tissues definitely show a massive infection, Jim, but something is immunising us down here, thank heavens, or we'd have been dead hours ago.
KIRK: I don't think we're going to have time to isolate it, Bones.
MCCOY: The problem is, it could be anything Some spores or pollen in the air, some chemical.

I think you mean "neutralizing the effect", Bones. Immunization means you don't have to worry about it anymore.

SPOCK: A smaller attack on this village a week ago, driven off by Captain Tracey with his phaser. I have found villagers who will corroborate it.
MCCOY: Now wait a minute. He lost his ship and his crew, and he found himself the only thing standing between an entire village of peaceful people.
SPOCK: Regulations are quite harsh, but they're also quite clear, Captain. If you do not act, you will be considered equally guilty.

So merely using a phaser in view of a prewarp society is a violation of the Prime Directive? I'll repeat, why do our ships even go to planets with prewarp societies?

TRACEY: No native to this planet has ever had any trace of any kind of disease. How long would a man live if all disease were erased, Jim? Wu. (Wu enters) Tell Captain Kirk your age.
WU: Age? I have seen forty two years of the red bird. My eldest brother
TRACEY: Their year of the red bird comes once every eleven years, which he's seen forty two times. Multiply it. Wu is four hundred and sixty two years old. His father is well over a thousand.

Here's the thing: even if you disregard external accidents and remove illness as a source of death, humans can't live a thousand years. Period. We don't just die from disease, we die because our body simply breaks down. Random mutations render our cells unable to function at previous levels. At least future Trek series introduce technobabble energy fields to explain the lack of disease.

TRACEY: We've got to stay alive. Let the Yangs kill us and destroy what we have to offer and we'll have committed a crime against all humanity. I'd say that's slightly more important than the Prime Directive, wouldn't you, Jim?

There's a reason why the Prime Directive is Prime. It's first. Nothing is more important (ignore the Omega Directive for now; it's irrelevant to this episode).

Also, stop saying "humanity" when you mean "sentient life"! Cue Azetbur again.

TRACEY: You still think the Prime Directive's for this planet?
KIRK: I don't think we have the right or the wisdom to interfere, however a planet is evolving.

So...why do our heroes keep visiting prewarp societies?

MCCOY: Yes. I'm convinced that once there was a frightening biological war that existed here. The virus still exists. Then over the years, nature built up these natural immunising agents in the food, the water, and the soil.
SPOCK: War created an imbalance and nature counterbalanced it.
KIRK: There is a disease here, something that affected the Exeter landing party and us.
MCCOY: That's right. These immunising agents take time, and that's the real tragedy. Had the Exeter landing party stayed here just a few hours longer, they never would have died.
KIRK: Then we can leave any time we want to.

Wait a second, does the environment suppress this thing or kill it? Those aren't the same thing!

TRACEY: Impossible! You can't carry the disease up to the ship with you.
MCCOY: He's fully immunised now. We all are.

You mean "cured", Bones.

KIRK: Living like the Indians, and finally even looking like the American Indian. American. Yangs? Yanks? Spock, Yankees!
SPOCK: Kohms? Communists? The parallel is almost too close, Captain. It would mean they fought the war your Earth avoided, and in this case, the Asiatics won and took over this planet.

So biology, evolution, politics, and history are being misused this week. Ugh.

KIRK: We merely showed them the meaning of what they were fighting for. Liberty and freedom have to be more than just words. Gentlemen, the fighting is over here. I suggest we leave them to discover their history and their liberty.

There's a topical politics joke to be made here, but I won't be doing so.

The Fiver

Spock: Shouldn't we just hail them?
Kirk: Nah. Not with Uhura using up all our hailing minutes.
Uhura: ...so I'm like "totally!" and he's like "cool", and -- did you say something, Captain?

The cell phone joke and the valley girl joke collided a bit too bluntly. Sorry, IJD GAF.

Tracy: This planet is a verifiable fountain of youth! Just ask Wu over there.
Wu: I'm 462 years old.
Tracy: Don't you see? We can market this!
Kirk: You can, but you'll never outsell First Contact.
Tracy: Just for that, you're rooming with that huge barbarian Yang.

Hehe. Metahumor. As I've said before, I prefer Insurrection to First Contact.

Cloud William: Freedom? That's our worship-word! Tell him what he's won, barbarian female lover!
Sirah: Well Cloud, he's the new recipient of a fresh bump on the back of his skull!
(THUNK)
Kirk: ACK!
Cloud William: Later, chumps!

It's amazing how much The Price is Right has infiltrated pop culture. Cloud Williams' last line should've tied in with the game show theme, though.

Yang Forces: Stop fighting and come with us! We tire of your overplayed fight music.
Kirk: Which is that again?
Cloud William: You know, the one that goes "dundun Da Da Da Da--"
Tracy: Arg! Now it's in ALL our heads!

Haha, time to link to the fight music music box again.

Memory Alpha

* The letter-writing campaign to save the show worked so well that this episode had a message included telling the fans that a third season was coming.

[Nate the Great]

March 8th, 1968, "The Ultimate Computer"

Fiver (by Marc)
Transcript
Memory Alpha

Introduction

I know that "the computers are going to take all our jobs!" is a fear that's been around for decades, but it's patently ludicrous. At worst the advancement of technology will shuffle the jobs around to focus more on supporting the computers. You can't just set up a mainframe, plug it in, and let it run without checking to make sure that everything's still okay.

The Episode

KIRK: Yes, Commodore, I'd like an explanation
ENWRIGHT [OC]: The explanation is beaming aboard now, Captain. He may already be in your transporter room.

This idea of postponing the exposition until the last minute so the cast learns at the same time as the audience is lazy screenwriting. That's what Captain's Logs are for, and in this case I would've had Spock's Log to give the bare-bones details, then Kirk's Log for his feelings, then McCoy's Log to give a punchline.

WESLEY: Have you heard of the M-5 multitronic unit?
KIRK: That's Doctor Richard Daystrom's device, isn't it? Tell me about that.
SPOCK: The most ambitious computer complex ever created. Its purpose is to correlate all computer activity aboard a starship, to provide the ultimate in vessel operation and control.
WESLEY: How do you know so much about it, Commander?
SPOCK: I hold an A-7 computer expert classification, Commodore. I'm well acquainted with Doctor Daystrom's theories and discoveries. The basic design of all our ship's computers are Doctor Daystrom's.

"Multitronic" is merely an evolution of the duotronics we've already seen. It won't be heard from again until cameos in Voyager and DS9. It seems that isolinear circuitry surpasses both.

I am confused about Wesley not knowing about Spock's expertise. I would've thought that Spock's achievements would be public knowledge.

KIRK: Twenty? I can't run a starship with twenty crew.
WESLEY: The M-5 can.

Yeah, about that. There are many, many jobs on board a ship that have to be done with actual hands and eyes. And what about away missions? There are going to be times when you need more than twenty people planetside, when you need full security and medical teams available.
DAYSTROM: The M-5 has been perfected, Commander. Its potential is a fact.

How? This is the first time it's been installed on a starship. We're in the middle of proving these assertions!

DAYSTROM: There are other things a man like you might do. Or perhaps you object to the possible loss of prestige and ceremony accorded a starship captain. A computer can do your job and without all that.

Ugh, if all command decisions were made via clinical logic, can you imagine the chaos? (Insert all-Vulcan crew joke here) Furthermore, did Kirk ever seem to want the "celebrity" of being a starship captain any more than Picard did?

MCCOY: We're all sorry for the other guy when he loses his job to a machine. When it comes to your job, that's different. And it always will be different.
KIRK: Am I afraid of losing command to a computer? Daystrom's right. I can do a lot of other things. Am I afraid of losing the prestige and the power that goes with being a starship captain? Is that why I'm fighting it? Am I that petty?
MCCOY: Jim, if you have the awareness to ask yourself that question, you don't need me to answer it for you.

Finally some honest Trek philosophy! Even in otherwise awful episodes you can usually find some good character work.

DAYSTROM: Why were the Captain and the Chief Medical Officer not included in recommendation?
M5: Non-essential personnel.

I question why a doctor shouldn't be sent along; cuts and scrapes will always happen and you never know what will happen. If anything I'd expect M-5 to propose sending M'Benga instead because he has another quality that would fit this mission. And who's going to make command decisions? Is M-5 going to "tag along" via tricorder and communicator on an ongoing basis?

MCCOY: All the Sickbay systems are shut down until such time as the M-5 is informed there are patients to be cared for.

It's not like McCoy does medical research in his spare time or anything.

KIRK: Machine over man, Spock? It was impressive. It might even be practical.
SPOCK: Practical, Captain? Perhaps. But not desirable. Computers make excellent and efficient servants, but I have no wish to serve under them. Captain the starship also runs on loyalty to one man, and nothing can replace it, or him.

Thank you, Spock.

WESLEY [on viewscreen]: Our compliments to the M-5 unit, and regards to Captain Dunsel. Wesley out.
MCCOY: Dunsel? Who the blazes is Captain Dunsel? (everyone else knows) What does it mean, Jim? (Kirk leaves the bridge) Spock? What does it mean?
SPOCK: Dunsel, Doctor, is a term used by midshipmen at Starfleet Academy. It refers to a part which serves no useful purpose.

I thought that "dunsel" existed as a distinct term before this, but apparently Star Trek invented it. Wikitonary says that a few unrelated SF novels have used the term as well, apparently inspired by this episode.

I rather think that the screenwriter meant a "dunce". Nowadays we call any idiot a dunce, but in ages past it specifically meant someone rejecting new knowledge. Did the writing staff get the word wrong, or were they trying to futurize it, or what?

KIRK: 20th century Earth. 'All I ask is a tall ship, and a star to steer by'. You could feel the wind at your back in those days. The sounds of the sea beneath you. And even if you take away the wind and the water, it's still the same. The ship is yours. You can feel her. And the stars are still there, Bones.

It's always nice when Kirk and McCoy get together to share a drink and get philosophical. What a shame that future series never really did this; the closest we get are a few discussions with Guinan. I'm also reminded of Pike and Boyce back in "The Cage."

MCCOY: Your brilliant young computer just destroyed an ore freighter. In fact it went out of its way to destroy an ore freighter!
DAYSTROM: Fortunately it was only a robot ship.
KIRK: But it shouldn't have destroyed anything.

Exactly. My question is: what made M-5 do this, where's the logic? It could scan the ship and see that it posed no threat. It's not like you could use the later excuse of "self-defense is more important than anything else."

As for robot ore ships; I repeat earlier comments that a ship will break down without at least a minimal crew.

KIRK: Force field?
DAYSTROM: It's not my doing, Kirk.
SPOCK: I would say, Captain, that M-5 is not only capable of taking care of this ship, it is also capable of taking care of itself.
KIRK: You mean it's not going to let any of us turn it off.

Did Daystrom give the M-5 the ability to create forcefields? If so, why? If the M-5 is usurping the Enterprise's own forcefield generators, can't our heroes get into the works and turn them off?

KIRK: That wasn't a minor difficulty. That wasn't a robot. That thing murdered one of my crewman and you tell me you can't turn it off?
DAYSTROM: It wasn't a deliberate act. M-5's analysis told it it needed a new power source. The ensign simply got in the way.

Daystrom doesn't care about cold-blooded murder. Confine him to quarters!

MCCOY: Please, Spock, do me a favour and don't say it's fascinating.
SPOCK: No. But it is interesting.
(McCoy rolls his eyes.)

Always loved this exchange.

[Nate the Great]

MCCOY: Have you found a solution, a way to shut that thing off?
DAYSTROM: You don't shut a child off when it makes a mistake. M-5 is growing, learning.
MCCOY: Learning to kill.
DAYSTROM: To defend itself. It's quite a different thing. When a child is taught, it's programmed with simple instructions, and at some point, if its mind develops properly, it exceeds the sum of what it was taught, thinks independently.

Murder is not a "mistake", the M-5 is not a child, there was no need for this thing to be sentient, etc.

DAYSTROM: Yes, quite right, Mister Spock. You see, one of the arguments against computers controlling ships was that they couldn't think like men.
KIRK: Your new approach?
DAYSTROM: Exactly. I've developed a method of impressing human engrams upon the computer circuits. The relays are not unlike the synapse of the brain. M-5 thinks, Captain.

I'm pretty sure making sentient computers would be a violation of some law, at least if you do it without permission from some regulatory body. Then again, Trek does have a history of scientists ignoring the law in the name of progress. It's a shame that Daystrom got an Institute named after him instead of being used as an insult for future insane scientists.

WESLEY [on viewscreen]: Enterprise. Jim. Have you gone mad? What are you trying to prove? Break off the attack! Jim, we have fifty three dead here, twelve on the Excalibur. If you can hear us, stop the attack!

I find it sad that Wesley jumped to "Kirk's gone insane" rather than "the experimental computer has malfunctioned" so fast.

MCCOY: He'll have to be committed to a total rehabilitation centre. Right now he's under sedation and heavy restraints.
SPOCK: I would say his multitronic unit is in approximately the same condition.

We'll come back to the fate of the M-5 later.

The Fiver

Sulu: Now approaching Deep Space Station K-7....
Kirk: Been there, done that.
Sulu: ....or a reasonable facsimile thereof.
Kirk: Okay, fair enough. Put us in orbit.
Sulu: How am I supposed to orbit a space station?
Kirk: Don't ask awkward questions, Mr. Sulu.

Why can't the Enterprise orbit a space station, Marc? Where's the joke here?

Kirk: Is Daystrom really as brilliant as he's reputed to be?
Wesley: We Wesleys can recognize true genius when we see it.

Ha ha. I wonder if Marc was referring to Gene as well as Wesley Crusher.

McCoy: Feeling blue, Jim?
Kirk: Can you tell?
McCoy: Yup. That's why I brought you some blue lemonade.
Kirk: It won't help, Bones.
McCoy: Yes it will. I used frozen Romulan ale for ice cubes.

"Romulan ale? Why Bones, you know this is illegal." "I only use it for medicinal purposes."

Sulu: Sir, there's a DY-100-class vessel just ahead.
Kirk: Oh no! It's Khan's twin brother! M-5, fire phasers!
M-5: Sorry, I don't feel like it.
Kirk: I said fire!
M-5: No way, José.
Kirk: My name is James, not José!
M-5: Who cares? You're obsolete.

Nice double reference. You all remember Jose Tyler, don't you?

Spock: Our only hope is to somehow talk the M-5 into self-destructing.
Kirk: (cracking his knuckles) Stand back, Spock, and let the master go to work.

Ha ha. Kirk probably has an official license in talking computers to death by now.

Kirk: How's your patient, Bones?
McCoy: I'm afraid that he'll have to be institutionalized.
Spock: Hmm. "Daystrom Institute."

"No, Spock, I was thinking more of the Tantalus Colony. Let a group of stuffy warp field specialists form the Daystrom Institute if they want. Even though Daystrom had nothing to do with warp engines. Yeah, I don't get it either, I'm probably still a little drunk."

Memory Alpha

* It's pointed out that the only execution-worthy crime in this era is visiting Tarsus IV, but I'd argue that General Order 7 only applies to Starfleet officers. There's no reason to assume that execution for murderers would still be on the books, especially when "the laws of man and God" are mentioned.
* The fourth episode where Kirk talks a computer to death.

Memory Beta

* I best remember M-5's fate from the novel "Immortal Coil", where it ends up on a planet of artificial intelligences, although still disconnected from anything that could hurt it. Data connects it to planetary defenses as a last resort, hoping that the M-5 will defend itself long enough for our heroes to escape. I recommend the book to anyone who wondered about the ultimate fate of all of the artificial intelligences that our heroes keep running into.
Data: I reactivated M-5 and gave it access to the station's defensive systems.
Rhea: You what?
Data: Under the circumstances, it seemed like our best chance to stop the androids.
Rhea: Yeah, not to mention our best chance to get killed in the process. You know that M-5 is crazy, don't you?
Data: Crazy is an imprecise term. It is...single-minded.

YouTube

M-5 destroys an unmanned freighter and defends itself
M-5 commits mass murder
D.C. Fontana discusses the episode
Kirk gets philosophical

[Nate the Great]

March 15th, 1968, "Bread and Circuses"

Fiver (by Derek)
Transcript
Memory Alpha

The Episode

CHEKOV: Definitely class M, somewhat similar to Earth.
KIRK: Yes, similar. But the land masses and oceans are quite different, however.
SPOCK: Different in shape only, Captain. The proportion of land to water is exactly as on your Earth. Density five point five, diameter seven nine one seven at the equator, atmosphere seventy eight percent nitrogen, twenty one percent oxygen. Again, exactly like Earth.

I think this is supposed to justify the parallel evolution without having a duplicate Earth like other episodes. A valiant attempt, but I prefer the good old-fashioned "this is a necessary hand-wave to tell these stories, if we had the budget we'd use more alien makeup."

SPOCK: Fascinating. This atmosphere is remarkably similar to your twentieth century. Moderately industrialised pollution containing substantial amounts of carbon monoxide and partially consumed hydrocarbons.
MCCOY: The word was smog.
SPOCK: Yes, I believe that was the term. I had no idea you were that much of a historian, Doctor.
MCCOY: I am not, Mister Spock. I was simply trying to stop you from giving us a whole lecture on the subject.

It's a shame we never got this kind of repartee in later series, at least as well-written or of such frequency.

SPOCK: Then the Prime Directive is in full force, Captain?
KIRK: No identification of self or mission. No interference with the social development of said planet.
MCCOY: No references to space, or the fact that there are other worlds, or more advanced civilisations.

For the longest time this was as close to a full description of the Prime Directive as we ever had. The interesting thing is that merely visiting prewarp societies is allowed. No duckblinds, no trained cultural observers, any ordinary Starfleet officer can walk around these planets.

The thing is, if all Starfleet officers (and Federation scientists) take a vow that they're willing to die before breaking the Prime Directive, why are these sorts of missions allowed? At least by people not fully trained for this sort of thing.

MCCOY: One, just once, I'd like to be able to land someplace and say, Behold, I am the Archangel Gabriel.
SPOCK: I fail to see the humour in that situation, Doctor.
MCCOY: Naturally. You could hardly claim to be an angel with those pointed ears, Mister Spock. But say you landed someplace with a pitchfork.

Why wasn't this sort of thing more present in later series?

SPOCK: Complete Earth parallel. The language here is English.

It's rather sad how much this episode tries to defend the parallel development, only for it to completely backfire when the viewer is reminded of all those other episodes where the locals are nothing like Earth humans and yet still speak English. Even if my suspension of disbelieve can accept parallel development of humans, language is another matter. For some reason the writers are choosing to point out plot holes rather than ignoring them and hoping the audience does the same.

FLAVIUS: Who are you?
KIRK: We come from another province.

And again. In this episode our heroes are trying their best to fit in and not violate the Prime Directive, which just brings to mind how often they break it in other episodes.

Captain's log, stardate 4040.7. On the surface of planet four, system eight nine two...

And again. Of course we'd assign numbers to planets that have indigenous populations until we're informed by the locals what they consider the name of their world to be. But then there are all those episodes where we unilaterally give both the planets and the locals names and expect them to go along with it.

Captain's log, stardate 4040.7. (cont.) An amazing example of Hodgkins's law of Parallel Planet Development.

Until a text cameo in an Enterprise episode over thirty years later this will be the only mention of Hodgkin's Law. It won't be mentioned by name again in canon. A shame, as you'd think it'd come up more often.

KIRK: (looking at a car advert) But the Jupiter Eight? Mars toothpaste. Neptune bath salts.
SEPTIMUS: Taken from the names of false gods.

So...the planet evolved to be identical to Earth. The people evolved to be identical to Earth. The language, the inventions, the religions, everything is identical to Earth. Even proper nouns. One wonders what Improbability Factor you'd have to use in the Heart of Gold to create such a planet. Who knows how many whales and bowls of petunias and whales you'd make before this planet happens...

SPOCK: Curious, Captain, the similarity in names. Were you told why Merik was dropped from the Space Academy?
KIRK: He failed a psycho-simulator test. All it takes is a split second of indecision. Hardly the type to become a political strongman.

I wonder if the writers of TNG's "Coming of Age" was referencing this. The weird thing is that "unsuitable for command" is hardly the same as "unsuitable to be a Starfleet officer of any kind." Unless Merik was one of those "if I can't be a captain I don't want anything to do with Starfleet" types.

MCCOY: Odd that these people should worship the sun.
SPOCK: Why, Doctor?
MCCOY: Because, my dear Mister Spock, it is illogical. Rome had no sun worshipers. Why should they parallel Rome in every way except one?

Trillian must've forgotten to carry a one somewhere in her Improbability Drive calculations. Hehe...

SPOCK: Doctor, if I were able to show emotion, your new infatuation with that term would begin to annoy me.
MCCOY: What term? Logic? Medical men are trained in logic, Mister Spock.
SPOCK: Really, Doctor, I had no idea they were trained. Watching you, I assumed it was trial and error.
FLAVIUS: Are they enemies, Captain?
KIRK: I'm not sure they're sure.

Great writing.

KIRK: If I brought down a hundred of them armed with phasers...
CLAUDIUS: you could probably defeat the combined armies of our entire empire, and violate your oath regarding noninterference with other societies. I believe you all swear you'll die before you'd violate that directive. Am I right?
SPOCK: Quite correct.
MCCOY: Must you always be so blasted honest?
CLAUDIUS: But on the other hand, why even bother to send your men down? From what I understand, your vessel could lay waste to the entire surface of the world. Oh, but there's that Prime Directive in the way again. Can't interfere.

Exactly. It does beg the question...what do you do about people who haven't vowed to keep the Prime Directive, but are doing so anyway? Although the easy solution here is to take the cue of "A Piece of the Action" and stun everyone. Take the leaders away to be court-martialed before the rest can wake up.

SCOTT: But they have used the code term Condition Green, which means they're in trouble. But it also prohibits my taking any action.

A good idea, too bad we can start making a list of other episodes where the term should've been used and wasn't...

MCCOY: Well, what I'm trying to say is you saved my life in the arena.
SPOCK: Yes, that's quite true.
MCCOY: I'm trying to thank you, you pointed-eared hobgoblin!
SPOCK: Oh, yes. You humans have that emotional need to express gratitude. You're welcome, I believe, is the correct response. However, Doctor, you must remember I am entirely motivated by logic. The loss of our ship's surgeon, whatever I think of his skill, would mean a reduction in the efficiency of the Enterprise and therefore

I love these two. No matter how much later writers tried to replicate this dynamic, they never pulled it off to the same level of success.

UHURA: I'm afraid you have it all wrong, Mister Spock, all of you. I've been monitoring some of their old-style radio waves, the empire spokesman trying to ridicule their religion. But he couldn't. Don't you understand? It's not the sun up in the sky. It's the Son of God.
KIRK: Caesar and Christ. They had them both. And the word is spreading only now.
MCCOY: A philosophy of total love and total brotherhood.

This Chekov's Gun (insert obvious joke here) was pulled off about as well as could be expected, I suppose.

[Nate the Great]

The Fiver

Kirk: Spock, you beamed us down to the middle of nowhere.
Spock: No, Captain. The middle of nowhere is just over there.
Kirk: Whatever. Just remember, obey the Prime Directive.
McCoy: Do no harm?
Kirk: No, the Prime Directive!
McCoy: Always be prepared?
Kirk: Didn't you watch TNG? It's all they ever talked about!

Nice density of humor, there.

Flavius: We're son worshippers. Remember that. There will be a quiz later.
Kirk: You know, the twist ending loses something when we see it in text.
Flavius: Well, pretend you're reading 'sun' and not 'son' anyway.

I feel that there could've been one more more line, a joke about scripts or somesuch.

Kirk: Well, while we're sitting here in jail, you can tell us more about this weird sun obsession of yours. I don't recall anything like it in our Roman mythology.
Flavius: It's not Roman, it's Jewish. Long ago, the son took on our form and taught us to love one another. However, some people didn't like him calling himself God, so they killed him, but he came back to life, and now we follow him.
Kirk: Still not ringing any bells.

Time for another Hitchhiker's quote. “And then, one Thursday, nearly two thousand years after one man had been nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change..."

Claudius Marcus: Welcome to our planet. You must be proud of your friend Merik for finding it.
Kirk: I come to bury Merik, not to praise him.
Marcus: Ah! Now here is an honourable man.
Merik: I'm getting a bad feeling about this. (looks at calendar) Crap! March 15!

I'll just leave this link to the Reduced Shakespeare Company's version of Julius Caesar here. It's amazing how the episode was first broadcast on March 15th, isn't it? I'm pretty sure that it wasn't intentional.

McCoy: Thanks for saving me, Spock.
Spock: No problem, wimp.
McCoy: I'm sorry for getting into an argument with you earlier.
Spock: Yeah, you are pretty sorry.
McCoy: Hey, I'm trying to be good, but you keep twisting everything I say to be an insult!
Spock: It's not my fault you're so pathetic!
McCoy: Am not!
Spock: Are too....

I'm suddenly imagining a buddy comedy where these two get assigned as college roommates and they have to figure out how to live together before they kill each other. Bones and Pointy Ears, coming this fall!

Drusilla: I wonder, what possible catastrophe came crashing down from heaven and brought this dashing stranger to tears?
Kirk: Nothing. I wish to be alone.
Drusilla: I see you. You're a man surrounded by fools who cannot see his strength, his vision, his glory... That and burning baby fish swimming all round your head.
Kirk: You're not a vampire, are you?
Drusilla: What makes you say that?
Kirk: Nothing.
Drusilla: I'm naming all the stars.
Kirk: You can't see the stars; that's the ceiling. Also, it's day.

That's at least three Buffy jokes crammed into one scene. Yikes. I had to look these up, FYI. I didn't watch Buffy, but the language is so awkward that I knew they had to be a reference to something.

Memory Alpha

* Only TOS episode where the natives are specifically speaking English. Apparently this is only to emphasize the parallel development, but I still say it wasn't worth it because it creates plot holes in other episodes.
* The director blames a tighter shooting schedule for the lower quality. I blame the script.
* The death tolls are actually higher than mentioned.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil brings up the Prime Directive definition, saying that if followed elsewhere they could never bring Spock along since he'd be "an anachronism." An anachronism is something that doesn't belong in the time period that it exists in, it only works if Phil means that Spock belongs on this planet in the future after formal first contact is made. I think Phil meant "an anomaly."
* If Hodkin's Law can create a copy of the Roman Empire, why was the copy of the Nazis in "Patterns of Force" so unbelievable?
* If a split-second of indecision bars a person from command, what about Kirk's moment of indecision facing the vampire cloud in "Obsession"?
* It seems odd that "Condition Green" couldn't be a codephrase to beam the party up, using the subcutaneous transponders if necessary.

[Nate the Great]

March 29th, 1968, "Assignment: Earth"

Fiver (by IJD GAF)
Transcript
Memory Alpha

PART ONE

Introduction

Okay, let's get this out of the way first: it was wrong for Gene to usurp an entire episode in an effort to get another show to replace TOS just in case it's cancelled. This isn't really a TOS episode, but....

I still enjoy the concept behind Gary Seven's mission (even if it wasn't necessary for generations of his ancestors to be trained and bred for this job), and I do enjoy the expanded universe material concerning his mission.

The Episode

SPOCK: It appears we have accidentally intercepted someone's transporter beam, Captain.

Ugh. This isn't Stargate where one set of transport rings can intercept a signal sent by another. Gary's transporter technology would have nothing in common with our heroes'.

SPOCK: The beam is originating at least one thousand light years away.
SCOTT: No transporter beam can reach that far, not even in our century.

One wonders if the Aegis (I'll come back to this) have mastered the subspace transporter technology that Bok will use a hundred years later.

KIRK: This is the United Spaceship Enterprise. I'm Captain Kirk, commanding.
SEVEN: (to the cat) Yes, I heard him, Isis. We're aboard a space vessel. From what planet?

This statement is painful given what is later done with Seven, when his transporter can go through time and the Beta 5 computer can scan all of history. Again, I'll come back to this.

SEVEN: That's impossible. In this time period, there weren't (notices Spock) Humans with a Vulcan? You're from the future, Captain.

Yes, exactly. He knows roughly when humans and Vulcans will man starships together, but he doesn't know what 23rd-century Starfleet uniforms look like?

SEVEN: I've been living on another planet far more advanced. I was beaming to Earth when you intercepted me.
KIRK: The location of that planet?
SEVEN: They wish their existence kept secret. Even in your time, it will remain unknown.
SCOTT: It's impossible to hide a whole planet.
SEVEN: Impossible for you, not for them.

Since when does "unknown" automatically mean "hidden"? By the by, cloaking entire planets is patently ridiculous even if Star Trek will keep doing it. You can't cloak gravity wells...

SEVEN: This is the most critical period in Earth's history. The planet I'm from wants to help Earth survive.

Okay, the Aegis doesn't have a Prime Directive, fair enough. We could have such discussions about what ten-year period is most critical to humanity's survival, and why Hitler wasn't assassinated by Aegis agents.

(Seven attacks the security men. Spock neck-pinches him but is thrown off.)

Here we go. How much would a human beings' biology have to be altered to make them immune to nerve pinches? You'd have to redesign our nervous systems from the ground up to make sure that a sufficient number of critical nerves aren't present in the same place...

Captain's log, supplemental. A man in a twentieth century business suit. What is he? Not even Spock's Vulcan neck pinch could stop him. Without our phasers, he would have over powered all five of us. I find it difficult to believe the mysterious Mister Seven can be human, and yet, suppose he is?

This is interesting: is Gary's species the most important thing right now? Isn't his motives and intended actions a bit more important right now?

KIRK: What do you make of the cat, Mister Spock?
SPOCK: Quite a lovely animal, Captain. I find myself strangely drawn to it.

Spock's a big softie. First tribbles and now this. Plus his pet sehlat I'Chaya...

KIRK: This is the captain. All science, engineering, and supervisory personnel, lock into the briefing room.

So the vast majority of the crew has to participate in a videoconference? Why? I know that e-mail and instant messaging didn't exist yet, but the command structure exists for a reason. Furthermore, this "everyone takes part in the briefing" thing never happens again (unless you want to include STTMP, which still confuses me).

(Seven tests the forcefield blocking the doorway. Then, behind the guard's back, he takes a pen from his pocket and turns it into a device that shuts the forcefield off. He also uses it to stop the guard from shooting him.)
SEVEN: You're tired. Go to sleep.
(The guard slides down the wall with a grin on his face as Seven makes his escape.)

The simularity between Seven's servo and the Doctor's sonic screwdriver is obvious, but I'd argue that a miraculous bit of handheld tech would for practicality be in something akin to a pen-shape. Besides, if the Doctor Who Wiki is to be believed, the sonic screwdriver first made an appearance in "Fury From the Deep", which first aired around this same time...in England. The show wouldn't air in the US until 1972, and it wouldn't succeed until 1978. The first draft of the script appeared the prior December, so I call this parallel development.

MCCOY: Well, I must admit the sensor readings seem too good. Human readings, yes, but not a single physical flaw. Totally perfect body.

I admit that comparisons to Khan are obvious, but we don't have the space to talk about that here.

(A display case full of glasses splits in two, revealing a massive safe door behind it. The locking wheel turns, the safe door opens and Gary Seven carrying Isis the cat walks out of a fog into the main room. The safe door shuts itself behind him and is hidden again behind the shelves of glasses.)

If Gary has remote access to his transporter (via his servo, presumably), why did he need to use the Enterprise's transporters?

SEVEN: Specify locations of agents two oh one and three four seven.
COMPUTER: Identify self.
SEVEN: Simply check my voice pattern. You'll find me listed as Supervisor one nine four. Code name Gary Seven.
COMPUTER: Voice pattern matches, but I have no listing of a Gary Seven assigned this planet.

So...Gary was able to use his servo to link to the Beta Five to link the transporters before the computer accepted that he was an authorized user? If only he just used the Enterprise transporters to beam into his living room, then activated the Beta Five!

SEVEN: All right. Agents are male and female, descendants of human ancestors taken from Earth approximately six thousand years ago. They're the product of generations of training for this mission.

So six thousand years of humans (that's hundreds of generations!) were trained just so a handful of their decedents could do this job? Talk about useless college degrees...

SEVEN: Problem. Earth technology and science have progressed faster than political and social knowledge. Purpose of mission. To prevent Earth's civilisation from destroying itself before it can mature into a peaceful society.

So...why were agents sent now, in the sixties, instead of during World War II?

SEVEN: Where have you been?
ROBERTA: Oh, the subway got stalled
SEVEN: Where have you been for the past three days?

Wait...the Beta 5 doesn't have pictures of Agents 201 and 347 for Gary to look at? You'd think it could scan for Aegis-altered people, there can't be too many genetically perfect people walking around the city (I don't think that Khan and his fellow genetically-superior followers (I refuse to call them Augments) are walking around at the moment (later novels will place his birth in 1970)).

COMPUTER: Occurrence, automobile accident. Location Highway nine four nine, ten miles north of McKinley Rocket Base. Agents three four seven and two oh one were killed instantly.

Of course there is no McKinley Rocket Base, even if some of the stock footage is of Kennedy Space Center. There are multiple Highway 949s, but all are very short. One wonders why they couldn't just call it the Kennedy Space Center and use the nearby Highway 95.

(Kirk, Spock and the two policemen are beamed up. Kirk and Spock dash off the transporter pad leaving the flat-foots standing, slack-jawed.)
KIRK: Reverse and energise.
POLICE 1: Charlie.
(They are beamed back into the apartment, watched by Roberta.)

So...you're not going to wipe their memory or even turn off the lights in the transporter room to minimize the contamination? No wonder Temporal Investigations considers this guy a menace...

SEVEN: Meow? You are nervous, aren't you, doll?

"Doll"? How did Dixon Hill wander onto the set? Seriously though, this kind of characterization is nice if it wasn't making cameos of our cast. There has to have been a better balance possible between the Assignment: Earth stuff and the Star Trek stuff.

ROBERTA: (pointing the pen at Kirk) Listen you, get away from him.

Since when are you on Gary's side, Roberta? It's not like there weren't other scenes that could've been cut to better develop your character!

SPOCK: Captain, we could say that Mister Seven and Miss Lincoln have some interesting experiences in store for them.
KIRK: Yes, I think we could say that. Two to beam up, Scotty.

Too bad they'll be limited to novels and comic books...

[Nate the Great]

PART TWO

The Fiver

Captain's Log: We've traveled back in time somehow to solve the age-old historical question, "How did mankind survive the 60s?"

Easy: the three B's: Batman, the Beatles, and James Bond. We had to survive as a species lest these cultural icons vanish into the void.

Spock: Jim, why did you have to fall asleep in the middle of the mission drawing?
Kirk: I was tired! I had a... busy night.
Spock: (sigh) We could've been sent to figure out the mystery of the pyramids! Or the strange disappearance of the Roanoke colony!
Kirk: I'm sorry! All right?
Spock: Jeez, we didn't even get picked for "Who was buried in Grant's Tomb?"!

Or discovering that Amelia Earhart was abducted by aliens! Or that a bunch of dinosaurs built starships millions of years ago! Or the fact that the only reason the Native Americans survived is because "Sky Spirits" evolved them!

Scotty: (over the comm) You won't believe this, but somebody has activated the transporter and Gary has escaped!
Kirk: Egad! Well, it could only be one man... Spock, have Chekov put in the booth. Maximum setting.

"I know I stole those Agony Booth plans from the other universe for a reason..."

Beta-5: Agents 201 and 347 seem to have disappeared. Looks like you'll have to do their mission for them.
Gary Seven: And what mission is that?
Beta-5: Oh, just set some rocket to malfunction before it launches an hour from now.
Gary Seven: Shouldn't be too difficult as long as there aren't any distractions.
Roberta Lincoln: Hello!

You walked right into that one, Gary...

Gary Seven: Which agent are you, 201 or 347?
Roberta: I'm not agent, I'm caucagent!
Gary Seven: That's not even remotely funny.

If that's an Asian/Caucasian joke, Gary's right.


Spock: Look, Agent Seven was in possession of blueprints for McKinley Rocket Base.
Scotty: (over the comm) You mean Kennedy Space Center?
Spock: Desilu doesn't have the rights to that president yet, so they went with the guy who was assassinated before him.

Gulf and Western (through Paramount) owned TOS by now, and this was the last episode with Desilu in the credits.

Security Guard: You look suspicious. I'll have to see some ID.
Gary Seven: How's this?
Guard: (reading) Want to know how to keep an idiot busy for hours? Read the other side to find out. (flips card)
Gary Seven: If you need me, I'll be sneaking onto the launch pad.
Guard: Okay. (flips card again)

That's funny.

Gary Seven: Thank you. Now, all I have to do is set the rocket to malfunction over Asia, and then --
Roberta: What?
Gary Seven: Don't try to stop me. The rocket has already launched.
Roberta: No, seriously. I just wanted to know what you were going to say next.

Hopefully it was going to be a Princess Bride joke.

(Gary Seven causes the rocket to detonate 104 miles from the surface)
Everyone but Spock: Hooray!
Spock: Miles?

Obligatory chance for an O'Brien joke aside, it's hardly weird for TOS to use the Imperial system, so where did Spock's confusion come from?

Memory Alpha

* Only appearance of routine time travel in TOS. I wonder why Gary couldn't have been in a ship going back to the 20th century, and accidentally dragged the Enterprise with it. Then the rest of the Enterprise crew could've worried about getting home before Gary fixed it at the end with a time tow.
* The episode mentions that an important assassination will happen today. Six days after the original airdate Martin Luther King, Jr. will be killed. Ouch.
* First episode to have no scenes set in the future.
* Only appearance of Federation transporters intercepting an alien beam. Ahem.

Memory Beta

* The Aegis=Gary's alien sponsors. Their transporters have incredible range, both in space and time. They've trained operatives for many societies through time that need a little help to survive their most turbulent eras.
Here we go. A list of Gary Seven media is here, but I'll only comment on the stuff that I've actually read...

* Assignment: Eternity=A Tal Shiar agent kills Gary's 24th-century Romulan counterpart Septos and hijacks his Beta Seven computer (you need a more advanced computer to monitor an entire empire, you know) to to back in time and kill Spock at Khitomer, preventing his reunification movement and rewriting history to make the Romulan Empire dominant. Gary and Roberta must ask Captain Kirk (a TOS-era Kirk soon after Assignment: Earth, FYI) for help to prevent this. A fun book, especially when Roberta hijacks the Enterprise!

* The Eugenics Wars=Gary discovers the Chrysalis Project that created Khan's people and fails to guide Khan to a more peaceful destiny. Watch out for cameos from just about every twentieth-century character who ever appeared in Trek, from Guinan and Shannon O'Donnel to the people in The Voyage Home and Future's End. Attempts are made to hide not only the Eugenics Wars within known history but explain how the Bottany Bay was created from the advanced tech left behind in the time period by other Trek adventures.

* The John Bryne Assignment: Earth comics=Slightly less dependent on encyclopedic knowledge of Trekdom than other entries (this is a comic book, after all), there's still plenty of weirdness to be found. See Roberta as a hippie and Richard Nixon come face-to-face with a Soviet impostor!

External Assignment: Earth Site

A compilation of the scripts and series proposals.

Nitpicker's Guide

* How can Spock use the ship's records to confirm or deny Gary's intentions? Anything Gary does will appear on the records instantly, it's not like the Guardian of Forever is around to bend the laws of time.
* Why is there a typewriter that can transcribe speech? Can't the Beta Five do this sort of thing automatically?

YouTube

* Spock likes to pet Isis.
* The ending including a transforming Isis and the transcribing typewriter.

[Nate the Great]

Here we go again...

September 20th, 1968, "Spock's Brain"

Fiver (by Zeke)
Transcript
Memory Alpha

The Episode

Let's get this out of the way up front: the whole brain transplant idea is ludicrous, top to bottom. I'll try to limit my snarking of this premise.

CHEKOV: The one on the left, number three, rates letter B on the industrial scale.

This whole letter system is just weird. It generates plot holes that will never be filled, and is utterly unnecessary. Just jump right to the Earth equivalent (and as SFDebris said, the later mention of an equivalent year not divisible by 100 is silly).

Plus the letter system will only be mentioned here, and in "Wink of an Eye" an alternate number system will be used. Silly silly. Just stick to "primitive, preindustrial, etc."

SULU: But that ship, Captain, either it was many years ahead of us or the most incredible design fluke in history.

Ugh. The components of the space shuttle were the result of decades if not centuries of cumulative industrial development. You can't just toss a bunch of parts together randomly to make a spaceship if your civilization isn't even advanced enough to make the parts!

KIRK: Who are the Others?
MORG: Givers of pain and delight.

We'll come back to this.

SPOCK [OC]: Captain, there is a definite pleasurable experience connected with the hearing of your voice.

This seems stilted and awkward, even for Spock. It seems stilted and awkward by Data standards!

KIRK: They were smart enough to invent these training devices. What a way to maintain control over a man.
SCOTT: Pain and delight, he said up above.
MCCOY: I'm sure you noticed the delight aspect of this place.
KIRK: Yes, I certainly did notice those delightful aspects. But that too was strictly under command of the women.

So the women enslave the men for physical labor (and possibly the Controller does some backroom genetic extraction to create children in Borg-style maturation chambers), fair enough. But what "delight"? It doesn't seem like "sex" is a concept that either group is aware of, and you have to be taught about physical attraction.

SPOCK [OC]: Captain, I appreciate the risks you are taking on my behalf, but I must insist they are worthwhile only if there is a reasonable chance for success. Let me ask you, how much time has elapsed since--
KIRK: Eighteen hours and twelve minutes.
SPOCK [OC]: Doctor McCoy must've told you that twenty four hours is the maximum my body can
MCCOY: I told him.
KIRK: That leaves us exactly five hours and forty eight minutes, Spock.

Ugh. I doubt that anyone has ever extracted a Vulcan brain to see how long the body can last on life support before dying to create numbers this precise. And it's not like we need hard numbers here...

SPOCK [OC]: She refers to the tape storehouse of knowledge of the builders of this place.

How charming, they still use memory tapes. I know, '60s, but it would be so easy to leave it at "databank"...

MCCOY: I knew it was wrong. I shouldn't have done it.
KIRK: What's that?
MCCOY: I should have never reconnected his mouth.

Ha ha.

Memory Alpha

* The only episode besides "The Cage" where a character walks in front of the viewscreen as it shows a moving starfield. I wonder why they bothered to spend that kind of money on something that's pretty inconsequential. Personally I would've spent more money polishing up the script or at least putting more buttons on Spock's remote control...
* The only time Sulu makes a log entry while in command. Given how often he was left behind on the ship, one wonders why it didn't happen more often. "The captain's place is on the bridge" hasn't been invented yet.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil wonders how children are created and whether or not the boys are banished to the surface.
* When McCoy starts to forget, couldn't another member of the landing party use the Teacher and take over?

YouTube

"Spock's Brain" in four minutes

[Nate the Great]

PART TWO

The Fiver

Spock: I would say so. Can you believe it's using an ion propulsion drive? The Federation has never managed that.
Kirk: What about Deep Space 1?
Chekov: Isn't that a space station?

Memory Alpha has no record of a "Deep Space 1." Three, four, five, seven, and of course nine, but not one. Memory Beta says that Deep Space 1 was a starbase that was destroyed during the Tomed Incident (and only in an RPG game book), but there's no mention of an ion propulsion drive. In canon the Ares IV used an ion drive, but again, that's the future. To sum up, I don't get this joke.

Sulu: Oof. Did anyone get the number of that wessel?

Zeke, is that a typo or did you intend that Chekov say this line?

Luma: In the name of Sigma Draconis 6 I will right wrongs and triumph over evil -- and that means you!

Kind of a stretch for a Sailor Moon joke, but okay.

Captain's Log: My team and I have been captured by... wait, how can I possibly be recording a log right now?

This happens so often that it's almost not worth turning into a joke. Almost.

Kara: Back again? Do you enjoy the pain?
Kirk: Not really, but I wouldn't be the first Enterprise captain to YYYEEEEEAGH!

Zeke, I get that there's supposed to be a joke here, probably either about Archer or Pike, but I can't quite figure it out.

Captain's Log: Dr. McCoy has used the Teacher and is now attempting to re-enbrain Spock. The danger to both is great, but he insisted. Gave me some ludicrous speech about risk being our business.

"Re-enbrain"? If you were going to insult the "Risk is our business" speech, you should've tossed in a "I'll have to remember it to throw right back at him someday."

Kirk: (Damn.) Yes, my world has many success stories I can teach you. I think you in particular, Kara, would be a super girl to start running a coffee franchise...

Again, there's a joke here that I don't get.

Scotty: Captain, isn't this sort of the exact opposite of the Prime Directive?
Kirk: It's superceded in this case by an even higher law taught to every captain: the Omega Glory Directive. "If the episode is bad enough, just get it over with by any means necessary."

Oh, the list we could make of episodes where this applies...

McCoy: Wait. Wait! I can't do this!
Kirk: Sure you can! You have before, remember? The neural clone operation? Your job with the Initiative?

The neural clone thing seems to be a Farscape joke, but I don't know what that has to do with McCoy. "Initiative" eludes me.

Captain's Log, Supplemental: Our last chance is to reconnect Spock's -- okay, seriously, HOW am I recording these logs?

At this point? You probably found a recording device somewhere around the Controller. Even so, this isn't a joke that's strong enough to double-dip in the same fiver...

McCoy: I did NOT have any parts left over and I am insulted by the suggestion!
Spock: You mistake my reaction for concern. Quite the contrary. Should I ever make a serious error, you have supplied me with a prime excuse.

"Prime excuse." I want to call this a Star Trek XI joke...

Kirk: Well, that's that. Let's head home.
McCoy: Ugh. Anyone else feel like their very DNA is missing some important gene?
Scotty: Aye, you can say that again. We've had ridiculous missions before, but this one set a new threshold.
Kirk: Oh, have a little spirit, folks. We can't go on missions full of scientific fascination and moral shades of grey all the time. We're bound to get a few like this.
Spock: If I understand correctly, Jim, you are advising us in such situations to simply turn off our --
Kirk: Do NOT say it.

Talk about injoke density. Bravo, Zeke.

[Nate the Great]

Awhile back I covered some of the early drafts of the opening monologue. Today Linkara reviewed the first Star Trek comic ever, which had the opening as follows:


This is the Enterprise, a ship of the Star Fleet. Its five-year mission in space: to probe the far reaches of the galaxy, to search the unknown and unlock its mysteries, to boldly go where no man has gone before!


I don't like this idea that the galaxy is traverseable in a reasonable amount of time, but there are still planets that haven't been visited yet. I guess we're treating certain areas of the galaxy the same as the rain forests of South America and Africa: maybe the coasts are known but the interior isn't.

[Nate the Great]

September 27th, 1968, "The Enterprise Incident"

PART ONE

Fiver (by IJD GAF)
Transcript
Memory Alpha

Prelude: I hate saying "Female Romulan Commander", so I'll be calling her "Liviana Charvanek", even if it's noncanon. Props for Vulcan's Heart and the Vulcan's Soul trilogy, by the way.

The Episode

Key points:
* If McCoy wasn't in on the plan and Kirk was acting irrationally for weeks, Bones should've ordered a mental evaluation by now.
* The level of Romulan knowledge of Starfleet ships and crews varies throughout the episode. This irks me.
* Dialogue indicates that the Romulans have recently developed a better cloak. If the indication is that it gets rid of the motion-sensor weakness from "Balance of Terror", they could've made that clearer and not ignore the previous episode entirely.
* Multiple uses of "starship" as an equivalent for "Constitution-class cruiser." Grrr...
* Charvanek goes gaga over Spock a little too easily, especially if she's supposed to be the Romulan Kirk, the best captain in the fleet.

SCOTT: That's a Klingon ship! But it couldn't be, not in this area.
SPOCK: Intelligence reports Romulans now using Klingon design.

Fanon holds that during this temporary Klingon-Romulan alliance the Klingons traded their ship designs for Romulan cloaking devices. I'm not sure this was an even exchange. You can't help but feel that the Klingons got the better part of this bargain.

TAL [on viewscreen]: The subspace message will take three weeks to reach Starfleet.

Cue old handwringing about varying subspace speeds. It annoys me every time, especially when "three weeks" isn't necessary. Three days would be adequate to ensure that no rescue will come in time.

KIRK: We were not spying, Commander.

Actually, he wasn't! The Enterprise was barely in Romulan space when they got caught, and Kirk never even had the chance to order sensor scans of anything!

SPOCK: You're being clever, Commander. That is unworthy of a Romulan.

This sounds like '60s values bleeding in again. Is that crack supposed to be anti-Russian or anti-Chinese?

COMMANDER: There are Romulan methods completely effective against humans and human weaknesses.
SPOCK: You would not resort to them, Commander. They would prove ineffective against the captain.

So the Klingon mind-sifter is BETTER than the Romulan equivalent? I find that hard to believe...

COMMANDER: You are a superior being. Why do you not command?
SPOCK: I do not desire a ship of my own.
COMMANDER: Or is it that no one has offered you, a Vulcan, that opportunity?

Has Spock been offered a command? I get that this is part of the ruse, and he's probably lying as part of the mission, but think about it. We must also spare a moment for Charvanek's implied accusation of racism against Starfleet (cue Azetbur quote!).

[Nate the Great]

COMMANDER: Mister Spock. That corridor is forbidden to all but loyal Romulans.
SPOCK: Of course. I shall obey your restrictions.



Oops. If she had just said that he accidentally took a wrong turn, we'd have a problem since our heroes would never find the cloaking device. Which brings up the question of how our heroes intended to find the thing in the first place.


COMMANDER: I've had special Vulcan dishes prepared for you. I hope they're to your liking.
SPOCK: I am very flattered, Commander. There's no doubt that the cuisine aboard your vessel is far superior to that of the Enterprise.



Spock? Very flattered? I know he's under orders to lie, but that's still laying it on a bit thick, right?



SPOCK: An hour from now will do even better. Would it not, Commander?
COMMANDER: Yes. Yes, it will, Mister Spock. You do know I have a first name.



This doesn't make sense because the viewers don't know her last name yet!



COMMANDER: The Federation. And what did you want?
SPOCK: It was my only interest when I boarded your vessel.
COMMANDER: And that's exactly all you came away with.
SPOCK: You underestimate yourself, Commander.



Yikes. For Spock, that's about the biggest admission of attraction he's made while not under the influence of spores or polywater or pon farr...



Memory Alpha

* Just like in "Journey to Babel" we see the Vulcan hand-touching kiss equivalent. Memory Alpha indicates that this is the first time we saw it, however, which is sorta true. "Journey to Babel" only featured the first two fingers, probably more of a peck on the cheek. This episode had full-blown Vulcan salute rubbing, probably closer to a French kiss. Very racy by Spock standards.
* So the studio wanted to get their money's worth from the Klingon ship model. What about the Romulan ship model? Didn't they want to get their money's worth from that?
* Fontana agrees that there were a lot of out-of-character moments in this episode.


Nitpicker's Guide

Phil has fun pointing out that it’s silly for the Romulans to be smug about identifying the Enterprise, saying “Big deal. So they can read. It says ‘USS Enterprise’ right on the saucer.” Which is absurd, nobody can read the words on a ship unless they’re in a shuttle or something and only a few hundred meters away. The Romulans can ID the Enterprise is because they’ve figured out how to interpret the ship’s transponder signal.
Regarding the Vulcan Death Grip, Phil brings up the tal-shaya, the Vulcan method of breaking necks mentioned in Journey to Babel. This is a good point.

If the Romulans let women be captains and the Federation doesn’t, why do the Romulans also force their women to wear miniskirts?



YouTube

The Vulcan Death Grip in action
Kirk steals the cloaking device, and Charvanek is not happy

[Nate the Great]

The Fiver

Commander: Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son!
Spock: That doesn't even make sense! Geez, if you're going to reference Star Wars, at least pick something that works in context! For example, I love you.
Commander: I know.
Spock: Much better.

I have a bad feeling about this...

Commander: Now remember, Spock, while we're walking through the halls we keep our hands to ourselves and make sure not to touch any candy, magazines, or cloaking devices.
Spock: Yes, my lord.

My "lord"? It should either be "my lady", or else "Yes, mother!" and then a joke about how whipped he was as a kid or something...

Spock: No, I'll kill you with my Vulcan death grip.
Kirk: GAK!

I wish we'd standardized Gak! for death and Ack! for fake death...

Kirk: We're running out of episode time. Just beam me over there.
Scotty: But that's stupid, you'll get caught.
Kirk: Me, caught? Hahahahaha! Good one.

Yeah, good one! "That's as likely as my shirt getting ripped in a fight!"

Commander: With all this flirting and all, let me tell you my first name. It's (mumbles something in Spock's ear).
Spock: Leia? No wonder....

Odd place for a Star Wars reference, and that kind of pun/quip is out of character for Spock, even by fiver standards.

Kirk: Now, to replace the cloaking device with a bag of sand! I'll be sure to place the sand on the pedestal just as I remove the device. Slowly, sloowwwly... there!

Odd place for an Indiana Jones joke. A more generic heist movie joke would've fit better.

Guard: The cloaking device is gone!
Commander: How could you? We could've ruled hand in hand!
Spock: I'll never join you.
(SMACK)
Spock: Darth Vader wouldn't have slapped me...

Some pop culture references mesh together well in fiver form. This time I think we've got more of a car crash. A Q-Less joke probably would've fit better here. "You slapped me! X wouldn't have slapped me..."

Commander: Spock! Take off my mask, so that I can see you with my own eyes!
Spock: There you go again with those movie references that don't work.

At least the fiver is self-aware...