50th Anniversary TOS Episode Discussion Marathon

[Nate the Great]

February 2nd, 1968, "A Private Little War"

Fiver (by IJD GAF)
Transcript
Memory Alpha

The Episode

Main points:
* Depending on the scene the Prime Directive either does or does not exist. Depending on the scene the Organian Peace Treaty either does or does not exist. The problem is that editing wouldn't fix the plot; it's fundamentally flawed no matter what the current state of Federation regulations or diplomatic relations with the Klingons are.
* It was a big mistake to not introduce a natural resource or strategic position to justify the Klingon presence here. They're devoting a lot of attention and resources to claiming this planet. If they were going to take the locals elsewhere to put them to work as slaves they could've done it a few people at a time and the Federation wouldn't have known until it was too late.
* I did a lot of research into how well the history of firearm development on Earth corresponds to what's going on here, but it got to be too lengthy and this episode is not worth two posts. Suffice to say that while the general sequence of weapons shown is acceptable, a lot of the needed infrastructure is simply ignored. The Klingons are devoting a lot of men and resources to a planet that has no exploitable resources.

UHURA: Message to Starbase, sir?
KIRK: No point in giving ourselves away, Lieutenant. Not until we find out what's going on.

I suppose alternatives like sending a probe aren't even worth discussing, they wouldn't get a response in time.

SCOTT: We can hide for a while, sir, but we may have to go out of orbit to keep it up for long.

Insert questions about how far away you have to be from a planet before you can go into warp here. If the implication is that Starfleet sensors are better than Klingon sensors in this case, why can't the Enterprise keep hiding if they know where the Klingon ship is?

Captain's log, stardate 4211.4. Keeping our presence here secret is an enormous tactical advantage, therefore I cannot risk contact with Starfleet Command. I must take action on my own judgment. I've elected to violate orders and make contact with planet inhabitants.

What orders? The Prime Directive? The opportunity to preserve that is gone. Couldn't Kirk say that he doesn't have time to wait for orders from Starfleet?

NONA: I am a Kahn-ut-tu woman. In all this land, how many are there? Men seek us because through us they become great leaders.

So these women don't want power directly, they want to use their husbands as puppets? There's a debate I won't pursue further...

NONA: Our blood has passed through the mahko root together. Our souls have been together. He is mine now.
TYREE: She must sleep also.
MCCOY: He is hers?
TYREE: When a man and woman are joined in this manner, he can refuse her no wish. But it is only legend.

Another debate I don't care to pursue further. I'm not in a poke-the-anthill-with-a-stick frame of mind today.

TYREE: The firesticks first appeared nearly a year ago. Since that time, many of my people have died.
KIRK: You say they make the firesticks themselves? How can you be sure?
TYREE: I've looked into their village. I have seen it being done.

The Klingons set up the infrastructure and taught the locals how to use it in a matter of months? I'm reminded of Kirk in "The Trouble With Tribbles": Though the Klingons are brutal and aggressive, they are most efficient.

KIRK: We once were as you are, Spears, arrows. There came a time when our weapons grew faster than our wisdom, and we almost destroyed ourselves.

Totally not an anti-Vietnam message, honest! One could almost wonder when our weapons technology didn't grow faster than our wisdom...

KIRK: But we're wise enough to know that we are wise enough not to interfere with the way of a man or another world.

I get what he was going for, but that certainly doesn't seem like the most efficient way to say that...

MCCOY: Do I have to say it? It's not bad enough there's one serpent in Eden teaching one side about gun powder. You want to make sure they all know about it!
KIRK: Exactly. Each side receives the same knowledge and the same type of firearm.
MCCOY: Have you gone out of your mind?

Yes, he has. Stun everyone, take all the guns and associated equipment, and let them figure out how to make these things from scratch. Problem solved, and it's hardly the worst Prime Directive violation these guys will be guilty of.

KIRK: Bones, do you remember the twentieth century brush wars on the Asian continent? Two giant powers involved, much like the Klingons and ourselves. Neither side felt could pull out.
MCCOY: Yes, I remember. It went on bloody year after bloody year.
KIRK: What would you have suggested, that one side arm its friends with an overpowering weapon? Mankind would never have lived to travel space if they had. No. The only solution is what happened back then. Balance of power.

And removing all of the guns to achieve balance of power isn't an option? I appreciate the anti-Vietnam message, but Kirk takes it in an odd direction. I can't agree that "lengthy war"="will never reach space". If that were the case we'd have never reached space ourselves.

The Fiver

McCoy: (ahem) Reporting as ordered, sir.
Kirk: How's Spock? Hic.
McCoy: Dunno. Some crazy upstart doctor who claims to have interned at a Vulcan hospital is with him.

M'Benga a "crazy upstart doctor"? Where'd that come from?

Kirk: Me tired. Kirk go sleep now.
Nona: Your captain is now mine forever. (faints)
McCoy: I feel like I missed something very wrong and very dirty.

I suddenly wonder if Nona blood and Elaan tears cancel each other out.

Klingon: Come, let me show you the next technological improvement we will make to your weaponry.
Apella: I still can't think of a logical reason why Klingons would be giving weapons to pre-warp civilizations.
Klingon: We're turning you into Klingons, not Vulcans, dammit!

Hehe. I've covered this before.

McCoy: Just what in the hell do you think you're doing?
Kirk: Teaching them to fight back against the village people.
McCoy: First, they're villagers, not village people. Second, that's the single worst violation of the Prime Directive I've ever heard.

Y.M.C.A.! It's not the single worst violation of the Prime Directive that I've ever heard of. I'd have to give it some thought, but I'm sure this episode is not it.

Kirk: Can't... stupefied by... infatuation....

Tyree: Look! He has been stupefied by my wife's spells!

"Stupefied" means either shocked or being influenced by an ingested mind-altering substance. I think you meant "dazzled" or similar.

[Nate the Great]

February 9th, 1968, "Return to Tomorrow"

Fiver (by IJD GAF)
Transcript
Memory Alpha

The Episode

There are several instances in the beginning of the episode where Sargon uses his power to strongarm our crew into doing what he wants and nothing else. This shouldn't encourage trust on the part of our crew, and they should've left and let him rot.

SPOCK: Not even a Vulcan can know the unknown, Captain. We are hundreds of light years past where any Earth ship has ever explored.

Once again we see that despite the creators' word to the contrary, speeds in TOS are faster. We don't have any indication that the ship has been on this mission for months, do we? "Earth ship"...cue Azetbur cliche, moving on...

KIRK: Log entry out. How long before Starfleet receives that?
UHURA: Over three weeks at this distance, sir.

Once again subspace is portrayed as being much slower than it should be. The problem is...why is a three week delay needed for the events of this episode?

SPOCK: Coming from deep under the planet's surface, Captain. Under at least one hundred miles of solid rock.
SARGON [OC]: I will make it possible for your transporter to beam you that deep beneath the surface. Have no fear.

The amount of rock that the transporter can punch through is rather inconsistent, but at least the writers were aware of it this time and handwaved the problem away. Good for them.

KIRK: Composition of walls?
SPOCK: They're an alloy or substance completely unknown to me. Much stronger and harder than anything I've measured before.
MULHALL: All readings are off the scale, Captain.

I hate how the creators keep saying that alien races have these supermaterials when it just isn't needed and only creates plot holes. Just say that there's a jamming field and you can't get exact readings, then move on!

SARGON: Sealed in this receptacle is the essence of my mind.
SPOCK: Pure energy. Matter without form.
KIRK: Impossible.

Yes, it is! "Pure energy" and "matter" are mutually exclusive and not needed as it only creates plot holes. "A mixture of plasma and unknown energy" is sufficient for these purposes.

KIRK: That's twice you've referred to us as my children.
SARGON: Because it is possible you are our descendants, Captain Kirk. Six thousand centuries ago, our vessels were colonising this galaxy, just as your own starships have now begun to explore that vastness. As you now leave your own seed on distant planets, so we left our seed behind us. Perhaps your own legends of an Adam and an Eve were two of our travellers.
MULHALL: Our beliefs and our studies indicate that life on our planet, Earth, evolved independently.
SPOCK: That would tend, however, to explain certain elements of Vulcan prehistory.
SARGON: In either case, I do not know.

More unneeded plotholes, grrr. Sargon calls humans "my children" because the race is so young compared to his! That's all that's needed!

KIRK: We knew the seed that we had planted on other planets would take root, that one day you would build vessels as we did, and one day you would come here.

Ugh. "We knew that there had to be other intelligent races in the universe, and eventually they would find our planet" is more than sufficient.

SCOTT: A starship engine the size of a walnut? That's impossible. But I don't suppose there'd be any harm in looking over diagrams on it.

Ha ha. Scotty is such a hypocrite.

KIRK: They used to say if man could fly, he'd have wings. But he did fly. He discovered he had to. Do you wish that the first Apollo mission hadn't reached the moon, or that we hadn't gone on to Mars and then to the nearest star? That's like saying you wish that you still operated with scalpels and sewed your patients up with catgut like your great-great-great-great-grandfather used to. I'm in command. I could order this. But I'm not because, Doctor McCoy is right in pointing out the enormous danger potential in any contact with life and intelligence as fantastically advanced as this. But I must point out that the possibilities, the potential for knowledge and advancement is equally great. Risk. Risk is our business. That's what the starship is all about. That's why we're aboard her. You may dissent without prejudice. Do I hear a negative vote?

Ah, the classic "Risk is our business" speech. I keep imagining this speech being in other episodes.

SPOCK/HENOCH: This is an excellent body, Doctor. I seem to have received the best of the three. Strength, hearing, eyesight, all far above your human norms. I'm surprised the Vulcans never conquered your race.

Cue "Enterprise" joke. I find it hard to parse what knowledge these guys can get from their hosts' minds, and what they can't. Does Henoch not have access to Spock's memories, or was that last line blatant "I'm evil" exposition for the benefit of the audience? I thought Gene treated Trek viewers as more intelligent and perceptive than this...

The Fiver

Kirk: Wouldn't it be ironic if the longest, greatest speech of Star Trek was reduced to the shortest scene in this fiver?
Spock: Yep. Risky too.

Ha ha.

Sorry, the fiver is fine, but nothing else really jumped out at me.

Memory Alpha

* Takei is finally back after filming The Green Berets. It's a shame, as this is an episode that definitely didn't need him, whereas some of the other episodes could've made use of the character.
* First appearance of Diane Muldar in the first of her three roles.
* Mulhall is a lieutenant commander, the highest-ranking named woman in TOS.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil wonders why Thalassa was so opposed to this android body simply because it wasn't a perfect humanoid substitute. He asks why gradual upgrades weren't considered, and points out that perfect humanoid duplicates have been seen in episodes like "What are Little Girls Made Of" and "I, Mudd". I also point out that in "I, Mudd" the androids didn't seem to be opposed to turning our heroes into one of them.
* Kirk declares that beings of pure energy are impossible, but we've seen multiple examples of such in "Metamorphosis", "Obsession", and "Wolf in the Fold."

YouTube

* Meeting Sargon, and "our children".
* "Risk is our business!"
* Thalassa tries to bargain with McCoy.

[Nate the Great]

February 16th, 1968, "Patterns of Force"

Fiver (by Kristina)
Transcript
Memory Alpha

The Episode

MCCOY: Starfleet's been trying for six months. If he's alive, isn't it unlikely that he'd receive us now?

Six months? Starfleet has been trying to call Gill for six months with absolutely no response, and it took this long? I know that travel times are supposed to be a little longer in this era, but six months is just unforgivable no matter which way you look at it.

SPOCK: Zeons do have a crude interplanetary capability. Reaction powered. A small rocket. It is on an intercept course. That would mean it has sophisticated detection devices which neither Zeon nor Ekos should have.

In other words, Gill gave these people subspace capabilities. The problem is, in all other ways the planet seems like yet another twentieth century equivalent planet, which means our people never should've been there. Is the Prime Directive optional depending on the day of the week or something?

KIRK: We've run into a far more serious problem than the disappearance of John Gill. Spock, you and I will beam down. Bones, one precaution. Prepare a subcutaneous transponder in the event we can't use our communicators.

The problem with subcutaneous transponders is that while they're a completely logical and reasonable precaution, they open up a complete can of worms. Let's assume for the moment that these things can't be continually installed (eventually they'd cause body damage, the batteries don't have more than a few days of charge, etc.), that doesn't mean that there aren't umpteen other episodes in all series that would benefit from their inclusion. It's a logistical headache.

KIRK: Insert the transponders. Make one low pass to communication range in three hours. If we fail to make contact at the appointed time, take our co-ordinates from the transponder and beam us aboard no matter what our condition may be.

Again, fair enough, but it's another can of worms. If such precautions were taken in all episodes we'd miss out on many adventures. Plots that are resolved in ten minutes aren't very exciting.

KIRK: How could this have happened? The chances of another planet developing a culture like Nazi Germany, using the forms, the symbols, the uniforms of twentieth century Earth are so fantastically slim.

But a planet reproducing ancient Rome is completely reasonable? Is Hodgkin's Law of Parallel Planet Development a thing in-universe or not?

KIRK: John Gill was the kindest, gentlest man I ever knew.

I'm not disputing this, but it's an interesting thought experiment: can you think of another of Kirk's old friends that would better fit this description?

SPOCK: Now, the rubindium crystals should find enough power here to achieve the necessary stimulus. As I recall from the history of physics, the ancient lasers were able to achieve the necessary excitation, even using crude natural crystals.

Using radio crystals to make a laser beam...I'll just link to the MacGyver theme and move on...

SPOCK: Captain, I'm beginning to understand why you Earthmen enjoy gambling. No matter how carefully one computes the odds of success, there is still a certain exhilaration in the risk.
KIRK: Very good, Spock. We may make a human of you yet.
SPOCK; I hope not.

Spock admitting to feeling an emotion? Good exchange, though.

DARAS: There's one chance left. If you'd use the weapons you have, you could destroy the fleet.
KIRK: That would mean the death of thousands of Ekosian spacemen.
ISAK: Many of my friends are aboard that ship, many of the Underground.
DARAS: Yes, but against those thousands are millions of innocent Zeon lives. You've got to choose the lesser of two evils.

Picard saying that he refuses to let arithmetic decide questions like that comes to mind...

KIRK: Gill. Gill, why did you abandon your mission? Why did you interfere with this culture?
GILL: Planet fragmented. Divided. Took lesson from Earth history.
KIRK: But why Nazi Germany? You studied history. You knew what the Nazis were.
GILL: Most efficient state Earth ever knew.
SPOCK: Quite true, Captain. That tiny country, beaten, bankrupt, defeated, rose in a few years to stand only one step away from global domination.
KIRK: But it was brutal, perverted, had to be destroyed at a terrible cost. Why that example?
SPOCK: Perhaps Gill felt that such a state, run benignly, could accomplish its efficiency without sadism.
KIRK: Why, Gill? Why?
GILL: Worked. At first it worked.

First, in what universe were the Nazis the most efficient state Earth ever knew? I'm not going to go too deep into this, but I just had to put that out there. Second, how could a "benign with no sadism" version of Nazism ever work? It kind of defeats the point of being Nazis, doesn't it?

GILL: (shot and dying in Kirk's arms) I was wrong. The non-interference Directive is the only way. We must stop the slaughter.
KIRK: You did that, Professor. You told them in time.
GILL: Even historians fail to learn from history. They repeat the same mistakes. Let the killing end.

Talk about soapboxing. Trek has had a much better record of getting the message across in more subtle and thought-provoking ways than this.

SPOCK: With the union of two cultures, this system would make a fine addition to the Federation.

You know, once they invent warp drive on their own and all. The Enterprise did remove the subspace technology and all the transtators that were undoubtedly a part of it, right? RIGHT?

MCCOY: It also proves another Earth saying. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Darn clever, these Earthmen, wouldn't you say?
SPOCK: Yes. Earthmen like Ramses, Alexander, Caesar, Napoleon, Hitler, Lee Kuan.

Lee Luan will be cited by Garth of Izar later, he will be a despot sometime in the future. Presumably he'll be a figure in World War III. One wonders why Khan wasn't included in this group.

The Fiver

Kirk: It's so Earth-like. Nudge, nudge, know what I mean?
Spock: Fascinating how we always seem to run into those environments...
Zeon Man: Hide -- they're right behind me!
Ekosian Guard: On your feet, Zeon pig! Now march -- it's off to the Ministry of Silly Walks.

Odd place for Monty Python jokes, but okay...

Kirk: Nazi Germany, and John Gill as the Fuhrer -- what are the odds of that?
Spock: You should know better than to get me started on those calculations.

Yes, he should.

Spock: This Zeon is by no means a cover-up.
Ekosian Guard: But your helmet is. Into the comfy chairs you both go!

Monty Python again? Just for that I'm linking to the theme song...

Kirk: How do we get out of this prison?
Spock: I say we couple our transponder chips, make a crude laser, and burn a metal lock.
Kirk: Only in the world of Star Trek....

Or MacGyver, as I've already discussed.

Spock: I know where John is -- over in Wilke's Booth, drugged.

Clever.

Kirk: We need to get through to John Gill. Spock, any ideas?
Spock: Captain, remember.... Wenn ist das Nunstuck git und Slotermeyer?
Kirk: Sure -- yes.... Ja. Beierhund das oder die Flipperwald gesprut!
Guards: HAHAHAH-- GAK!

This is referencing The Funniest Joke in the World sketch, again from Monty Python. Don't bother putting that into Google Translate by the way, it's gibberish.

Memory Alpha

* This episode wasn't broadcast in Germany until 1996, and even then on pay TV.
* This "Nazis were efficient" idea was widespread at the time but has since been debunked. Well, duh...

Nitpicker's Guide

* Kirk and Spock left their phasers behind. Why aren't transponders built into the equipment as well so they can be retrieved later?

[Nate the Great]

February 23rd, 1968, "By Any Other Name"

No fiver
Transcript
Memory Alpha

The Episode

SPOCK: What brings you here?
ROJAN: Within ten millennia, high radiation levels in our galaxy will make life there impossible. So the Kelvan Empire sent forth ships to explore other galaxies, to search for one which our race could conquer and occupy.

This whole situation deserves a little more scrutiny. Their entire galaxy will be uninhabitable? Where are these high radiation levels coming from? There are so many Kelvans that they need an entire galaxy to occupy?

KELINDA: Our ships were of multigeneration design. We were born in the intergalactic void. We shall die there during our return journey.
ROJAN: And our mission will be completed by a commander who is my descendant.

So...is there a ruling class system, or has Rojan's family's genetic structure been altered to make them all ideal commanders? Why would his son necessarily be the right choice?

KIRK: What happened to your ship?
ROJAN: There is an energy barrier at the rim of your galaxy.
KIRK: Yes, I know. We've been there.

Back in "Where No Man Has Gone Before." It's a shame that this really won't be followed up on in future series. The novels have had a great time trying to figure out what the Galactic Barrier is and is not, I especially refer you to the Q-Continuum trilogy of novels.

SPOCK: Why use our vessel? Why not transmit a message to your galaxy?
ROJAN: No form of transmission can penetrate the barrier.

So...go past the barrier, drop a relay bouy, then come back and check up on the bouy every few years to see if you've gotten a response. Not that complicated.

KIRK: Rojan, there's no reason to do this by force. Let's take your problem to the Federation. Research expeditions have catalogued hundreds of uninhabited planets in this galaxy suitable for colonization.
ROJAN: We do not colonize. We conquer. We rule. There's no other way for us.

You mean you've been taught to conquer, not colonize. Every single thing that you know about Kelvan society has been altered by generations of educational drift. Besides, who says that dogma has to guide your every action?

ROJAN: These shells in which we've encased ourselves, they have such heightened senses. To feel. To hear. To smell. How do humans manage to exist in these fragile cases?
HANAR: Since the ship was designed to sustain these forms, we have little choice.

Heightened senses I can understand, but Rojan is implying that in his natural form he neither feels, hears, or smells, and that's just ridiculous. As for "fragile", probably yes, but I fail to see why the Kelvans couldn't make more durable humanoid bodies. Closer to Khan, or androids, or whatever.

ROJAN: I think we're somewhat alike, Captain. Each of us cares less for his own safety than for the lives of his command. We feel pain when others suffer for our mistakes. Your punishment shall be to watch them die.

Invoking the Not So Different trope can backfire very easily, and I think this is one such case. While in this case Rojan makes good points, they're very superficial traits.

ROJAN: Bring them to me. This is the essence of what they were. The flesh and brain and what you call the personality, distilled down into these compact shapes. And once crushed (he demonstrates) this person is dead. However, that one can be restored.

So the water has been taken out and the matter has been rearranged into a structure that holds an equivalent of a transporter pattern. A clever idea, but I'm not sure that it'd be that simple.

SPOCK: The power source is protected by a material we cannot breach even with our phasers. Mister Scott and I have prepared the means for the only logical alternative available to us.
KIRK: What alternative?
SPOCK: The barrier we must penetrate is composed of negative energy.
SCOTT: I have opened the control valves to the matter-anti-matter nacelles. On your signal, I will flood them with positive energy.

First, the power source being shielded has nothing to do with sabotaging other aspects of the propulsion system. Second, opening the control valves to the nacelles will destroy the ship by itself, as uncontrolled warp plasma can do an awful lot of damage.

ROJAN: There aren't enough of us to efficiently guard all of you of the time. Further, the food synthesisers cannot manufacture enough food for the entire journey. We are therefore neutralising all nonessential personnel.

And Kirk is considered "essential"? Even the Nitpicker's Guide commented on this one. This also came up in "The Ultimate Computer."

ROJAN: Well, I do not understand this business of pressing with the lips to apologise.
SPOCK: I believe you're referring to a kiss. But it is my understanding that such apologies are usually exchanged between people who have some affection for each other.
ROJAN: Kelinda has no affection for Captain Kirk.
SPOCK: Your game is off. Are you disturbed by the incident?
ROJAN: Why should I be disturbed?
SPOCK: You've known Kelinda for some time. She's a Kelvan as you are. Among humans, I've found the symptoms you're displaying usually indicate jealousy.
ROJAN: I have no reason for such a reaction. Kelinda's a female, nothing more.
SPOCK: Captain Kirk seems to find her quite attractive.
ROJAN: Well, of course she is!
SPOCK: You are not jealous?
ROJAN: No!
SPOCK: Nor upset?
ROJAN: Certainly not.
SPOCK: Checkmate.

Ha ha. Good scene. The gentleman doth protest too much, methinks.

TOMAR: What is it?
SCOTT: Well, it's, er. (peers at it, sniffs it) It's green.

Always a classic. Even so, shouldn't the identity of these things be written on the bottles, or is Scotty so drunk he can't see clearly?

KELINDA: (coming up for air) Rojan has forbidden me to see you.
KIRK: Yes, that's too bad. Why do you defy him?
KELINDA: It's not a question of defiance. We were told to find out everything we could about you.
KIRK: Huh. And how's the research going?
KELINDA: I need some more experiments.

Ha ha.

KIRK: I'm stimulating him. (McCoy pushes him back into the fight.) You have no choice. To use this ship, you have to use our form and now you're stuck with it, you and your descendants, for the next three hundred years.

Yeah, about that. Did the Kelvans permanently turn themselves into human beings, down to their reproductive systems? That seems to be the idea. So when the ship full of humans with hundreds of years of values-warping arrives in Andromeda, what happens? Either they're executed, or every Kelvan who wants to colonize the Milky Way turns themselves into a human being? Unless you want to tell me that with the Enterprise's sensor logs of the Galactic Barrier the Kelvans can refit their ships to handle it. We could be here all day.

ROJAN: You would really do that? You would extend welcome to invaders?
(They finally stop fighting.)
KIRK: No. But we would welcome friends.

Always a great line.

ROJAN: And you. You would wish to remain with him?
KELINDA: He's most interesting, but I wish to go with you. I believe I owe you an apology. (she kisses Rojan) It's most pleasurable.
ROJAN: Yes. Very curious.
KIRK: You see, Rojan, being human does have certain advantages. Being able to appreciate the beauty of a flower or a woman.

Great scene.

Memory Alpha

* Last Sulu-less episode made during his Green Berets absence. "Return to Tomorrow" was made after this one and aired before.
* This episode is referenced in Good Eats when Alton describes what's in the human body besides water.

YouTube

* Two crewman being turned into blocks.
* The key might be stimulating the Kelvans, and "It is green".
* D.C. Fontana tells the story of the creation of the dehydrated block idea. I don't think I'd ever seen or heard Fontana before, only read about her.

[Nate the Great]

March 1st, 1968, "The Omega Glory"

Sorry, but I missed the switch from Th/F to W/Th in the anniversary airdates. Was there a leap-year somewhere to throw the airdates off?

Fiver (by IJD GAF)
Transcript
Memory Alpha

Here we go, the episode that plays like a "best of" for TOS cliches. Absurd science, absurd parallel development, complete disregard for the Prime Directive, real-world technical terms misused, Kirk speeches...

The Episode

MCCOY: These white crystals. That's what's left of the human body when you take the water away, which makes up ninety six percent of our bodies. Without water, we're all just three or four pounds of chemicals. Something crystallised them down to this.

Two episodes in a row where people have all of the water removed from their bodies. Of course back in "By Another Name" the powder had to be in a structured form to preserve the structure of their bodies and personality. No one noticed this and suggested spacing out the scripts a bit?

Captain's log, supplemental. The Enterprise has left the Exeter and moved into close planet orbit. Although it appears the infection may strand us here the rest of our lives, I face an even more difficult problem. A growing belief that Captain Tracey has been interfering with the evolution of life on this planet. It seems impossible. A star captain's most solemn oath is that he will give his life, even his entire crew, rather than violate the Prime Directive.

Interfere with the evolution of life? If we're using a definition broad enough to make this true (i.e. we're introducing alien bacteria and ideas that will alter the choices made by the locals), then almost any mission would be guilty of this. I think he means he development of civilization.

MCCOY: Our tissues definitely show a massive infection, Jim, but something is immunising us down here, thank heavens, or we'd have been dead hours ago.
KIRK: I don't think we're going to have time to isolate it, Bones.
MCCOY: The problem is, it could be anything Some spores or pollen in the air, some chemical.

I think you mean "neutralizing the effect", Bones. Immunization means you don't have to worry about it anymore.

SPOCK: A smaller attack on this village a week ago, driven off by Captain Tracey with his phaser. I have found villagers who will corroborate it.
MCCOY: Now wait a minute. He lost his ship and his crew, and he found himself the only thing standing between an entire village of peaceful people.
SPOCK: Regulations are quite harsh, but they're also quite clear, Captain. If you do not act, you will be considered equally guilty.

So merely using a phaser in view of a prewarp society is a violation of the Prime Directive? I'll repeat, why do our ships even go to planets with prewarp societies?

TRACEY: No native to this planet has ever had any trace of any kind of disease. How long would a man live if all disease were erased, Jim? Wu. (Wu enters) Tell Captain Kirk your age.
WU: Age? I have seen forty two years of the red bird. My eldest brother
TRACEY: Their year of the red bird comes once every eleven years, which he's seen forty two times. Multiply it. Wu is four hundred and sixty two years old. His father is well over a thousand.

Here's the thing: even if you disregard external accidents and remove illness as a source of death, humans can't live a thousand years. Period. We don't just die from disease, we die because our body simply breaks down. Random mutations render our cells unable to function at previous levels. At least future Trek series introduce technobabble energy fields to explain the lack of disease.

TRACEY: We've got to stay alive. Let the Yangs kill us and destroy what we have to offer and we'll have committed a crime against all humanity. I'd say that's slightly more important than the Prime Directive, wouldn't you, Jim?

There's a reason why the Prime Directive is Prime. It's first. Nothing is more important (ignore the Omega Directive for now; it's irrelevant to this episode).

Also, stop saying "humanity" when you mean "sentient life"! Cue Azetbur again.

TRACEY: You still think the Prime Directive's for this planet?
KIRK: I don't think we have the right or the wisdom to interfere, however a planet is evolving.

So...why do our heroes keep visiting prewarp societies?

MCCOY: Yes. I'm convinced that once there was a frightening biological war that existed here. The virus still exists. Then over the years, nature built up these natural immunising agents in the food, the water, and the soil.
SPOCK: War created an imbalance and nature counterbalanced it.
KIRK: There is a disease here, something that affected the Exeter landing party and us.
MCCOY: That's right. These immunising agents take time, and that's the real tragedy. Had the Exeter landing party stayed here just a few hours longer, they never would have died.
KIRK: Then we can leave any time we want to.

Wait a second, does the environment suppress this thing or kill it? Those aren't the same thing!

TRACEY: Impossible! You can't carry the disease up to the ship with you.
MCCOY: He's fully immunised now. We all are.

You mean "cured", Bones.

KIRK: Living like the Indians, and finally even looking like the American Indian. American. Yangs? Yanks? Spock, Yankees!
SPOCK: Kohms? Communists? The parallel is almost too close, Captain. It would mean they fought the war your Earth avoided, and in this case, the Asiatics won and took over this planet.

So biology, evolution, politics, and history are being misused this week. Ugh.

KIRK: We merely showed them the meaning of what they were fighting for. Liberty and freedom have to be more than just words. Gentlemen, the fighting is over here. I suggest we leave them to discover their history and their liberty.

There's a topical politics joke to be made here, but I won't be doing so.

The Fiver

Spock: Shouldn't we just hail them?
Kirk: Nah. Not with Uhura using up all our hailing minutes.
Uhura: ...so I'm like "totally!" and he's like "cool", and -- did you say something, Captain?

The cell phone joke and the valley girl joke collided a bit too bluntly. Sorry, IJD GAF.

Tracy: This planet is a verifiable fountain of youth! Just ask Wu over there.
Wu: I'm 462 years old.
Tracy: Don't you see? We can market this!
Kirk: You can, but you'll never outsell First Contact.
Tracy: Just for that, you're rooming with that huge barbarian Yang.

Hehe. Metahumor. As I've said before, I prefer Insurrection to First Contact.

Cloud William: Freedom? That's our worship-word! Tell him what he's won, barbarian female lover!
Sirah: Well Cloud, he's the new recipient of a fresh bump on the back of his skull!
(THUNK)
Kirk: ACK!
Cloud William: Later, chumps!

It's amazing how much The Price is Right has infiltrated pop culture. Cloud Williams' last line should've tied in with the game show theme, though.

Yang Forces: Stop fighting and come with us! We tire of your overplayed fight music.
Kirk: Which is that again?
Cloud William: You know, the one that goes "dundun Da Da Da Da--"
Tracy: Arg! Now it's in ALL our heads!

Haha, time to link to the fight music music box again.

Memory Alpha

* The letter-writing campaign to save the show worked so well that this episode had a message included telling the fans that a third season was coming.

[Nate the Great]

March 8th, 1968, "The Ultimate Computer"

Fiver (by Marc)
Transcript
Memory Alpha

Introduction

I know that "the computers are going to take all our jobs!" is a fear that's been around for decades, but it's patently ludicrous. At worst the advancement of technology will shuffle the jobs around to focus more on supporting the computers. You can't just set up a mainframe, plug it in, and let it run without checking to make sure that everything's still okay.

The Episode

KIRK: Yes, Commodore, I'd like an explanation
ENWRIGHT [OC]: The explanation is beaming aboard now, Captain. He may already be in your transporter room.

This idea of postponing the exposition until the last minute so the cast learns at the same time as the audience is lazy screenwriting. That's what Captain's Logs are for, and in this case I would've had Spock's Log to give the bare-bones details, then Kirk's Log for his feelings, then McCoy's Log to give a punchline.

WESLEY: Have you heard of the M-5 multitronic unit?
KIRK: That's Doctor Richard Daystrom's device, isn't it? Tell me about that.
SPOCK: The most ambitious computer complex ever created. Its purpose is to correlate all computer activity aboard a starship, to provide the ultimate in vessel operation and control.
WESLEY: How do you know so much about it, Commander?
SPOCK: I hold an A-7 computer expert classification, Commodore. I'm well acquainted with Doctor Daystrom's theories and discoveries. The basic design of all our ship's computers are Doctor Daystrom's.

"Multitronic" is merely an evolution of the duotronics we've already seen. It won't be heard from again until cameos in Voyager and DS9. It seems that isolinear circuitry surpasses both.

I am confused about Wesley not knowing about Spock's expertise. I would've thought that Spock's achievements would be public knowledge.

KIRK: Twenty? I can't run a starship with twenty crew.
WESLEY: The M-5 can.

Yeah, about that. There are many, many jobs on board a ship that have to be done with actual hands and eyes. And what about away missions? There are going to be times when you need more than twenty people planetside, when you need full security and medical teams available.
DAYSTROM: The M-5 has been perfected, Commander. Its potential is a fact.

How? This is the first time it's been installed on a starship. We're in the middle of proving these assertions!

DAYSTROM: There are other things a man like you might do. Or perhaps you object to the possible loss of prestige and ceremony accorded a starship captain. A computer can do your job and without all that.

Ugh, if all command decisions were made via clinical logic, can you imagine the chaos? (Insert all-Vulcan crew joke here) Furthermore, did Kirk ever seem to want the "celebrity" of being a starship captain any more than Picard did?

MCCOY: We're all sorry for the other guy when he loses his job to a machine. When it comes to your job, that's different. And it always will be different.
KIRK: Am I afraid of losing command to a computer? Daystrom's right. I can do a lot of other things. Am I afraid of losing the prestige and the power that goes with being a starship captain? Is that why I'm fighting it? Am I that petty?
MCCOY: Jim, if you have the awareness to ask yourself that question, you don't need me to answer it for you.

Finally some honest Trek philosophy! Even in otherwise awful episodes you can usually find some good character work.

DAYSTROM: Why were the Captain and the Chief Medical Officer not included in recommendation?
M5: Non-essential personnel.

I question why a doctor shouldn't be sent along; cuts and scrapes will always happen and you never know what will happen. If anything I'd expect M-5 to propose sending M'Benga instead because he has another quality that would fit this mission. And who's going to make command decisions? Is M-5 going to "tag along" via tricorder and communicator on an ongoing basis?

MCCOY: All the Sickbay systems are shut down until such time as the M-5 is informed there are patients to be cared for.

It's not like McCoy does medical research in his spare time or anything.

KIRK: Machine over man, Spock? It was impressive. It might even be practical.
SPOCK: Practical, Captain? Perhaps. But not desirable. Computers make excellent and efficient servants, but I have no wish to serve under them. Captain the starship also runs on loyalty to one man, and nothing can replace it, or him.

Thank you, Spock.

WESLEY [on viewscreen]: Our compliments to the M-5 unit, and regards to Captain Dunsel. Wesley out.
MCCOY: Dunsel? Who the blazes is Captain Dunsel? (everyone else knows) What does it mean, Jim? (Kirk leaves the bridge) Spock? What does it mean?
SPOCK: Dunsel, Doctor, is a term used by midshipmen at Starfleet Academy. It refers to a part which serves no useful purpose.

I thought that "dunsel" existed as a distinct term before this, but apparently Star Trek invented it. Wikitonary says that a few unrelated SF novels have used the term as well, apparently inspired by this episode.

I rather think that the screenwriter meant a "dunce". Nowadays we call any idiot a dunce, but in ages past it specifically meant someone rejecting new knowledge. Did the writing staff get the word wrong, or were they trying to futurize it, or what?

KIRK: 20th century Earth. 'All I ask is a tall ship, and a star to steer by'. You could feel the wind at your back in those days. The sounds of the sea beneath you. And even if you take away the wind and the water, it's still the same. The ship is yours. You can feel her. And the stars are still there, Bones.

It's always nice when Kirk and McCoy get together to share a drink and get philosophical. What a shame that future series never really did this; the closest we get are a few discussions with Guinan. I'm also reminded of Pike and Boyce back in "The Cage."

MCCOY: Your brilliant young computer just destroyed an ore freighter. In fact it went out of its way to destroy an ore freighter!
DAYSTROM: Fortunately it was only a robot ship.
KIRK: But it shouldn't have destroyed anything.

Exactly. My question is: what made M-5 do this, where's the logic? It could scan the ship and see that it posed no threat. It's not like you could use the later excuse of "self-defense is more important than anything else."

As for robot ore ships; I repeat earlier comments that a ship will break down without at least a minimal crew.

KIRK: Force field?
DAYSTROM: It's not my doing, Kirk.
SPOCK: I would say, Captain, that M-5 is not only capable of taking care of this ship, it is also capable of taking care of itself.
KIRK: You mean it's not going to let any of us turn it off.

Did Daystrom give the M-5 the ability to create forcefields? If so, why? If the M-5 is usurping the Enterprise's own forcefield generators, can't our heroes get into the works and turn them off?

KIRK: That wasn't a minor difficulty. That wasn't a robot. That thing murdered one of my crewman and you tell me you can't turn it off?
DAYSTROM: It wasn't a deliberate act. M-5's analysis told it it needed a new power source. The ensign simply got in the way.

Daystrom doesn't care about cold-blooded murder. Confine him to quarters!

MCCOY: Please, Spock, do me a favour and don't say it's fascinating.
SPOCK: No. But it is interesting.
(McCoy rolls his eyes.)

Always loved this exchange.

[Nate the Great]

MCCOY: Have you found a solution, a way to shut that thing off?
DAYSTROM: You don't shut a child off when it makes a mistake. M-5 is growing, learning.
MCCOY: Learning to kill.
DAYSTROM: To defend itself. It's quite a different thing. When a child is taught, it's programmed with simple instructions, and at some point, if its mind develops properly, it exceeds the sum of what it was taught, thinks independently.

Murder is not a "mistake", the M-5 is not a child, there was no need for this thing to be sentient, etc.

DAYSTROM: Yes, quite right, Mister Spock. You see, one of the arguments against computers controlling ships was that they couldn't think like men.
KIRK: Your new approach?
DAYSTROM: Exactly. I've developed a method of impressing human engrams upon the computer circuits. The relays are not unlike the synapse of the brain. M-5 thinks, Captain.

I'm pretty sure making sentient computers would be a violation of some law, at least if you do it without permission from some regulatory body. Then again, Trek does have a history of scientists ignoring the law in the name of progress. It's a shame that Daystrom got an Institute named after him instead of being used as an insult for future insane scientists.

WESLEY [on viewscreen]: Enterprise. Jim. Have you gone mad? What are you trying to prove? Break off the attack! Jim, we have fifty three dead here, twelve on the Excalibur. If you can hear us, stop the attack!

I find it sad that Wesley jumped to "Kirk's gone insane" rather than "the experimental computer has malfunctioned" so fast.

MCCOY: He'll have to be committed to a total rehabilitation centre. Right now he's under sedation and heavy restraints.
SPOCK: I would say his multitronic unit is in approximately the same condition.

We'll come back to the fate of the M-5 later.

The Fiver

Sulu: Now approaching Deep Space Station K-7....
Kirk: Been there, done that.
Sulu: ....or a reasonable facsimile thereof.
Kirk: Okay, fair enough. Put us in orbit.
Sulu: How am I supposed to orbit a space station?
Kirk: Don't ask awkward questions, Mr. Sulu.

Why can't the Enterprise orbit a space station, Marc? Where's the joke here?

Kirk: Is Daystrom really as brilliant as he's reputed to be?
Wesley: We Wesleys can recognize true genius when we see it.

Ha ha. I wonder if Marc was referring to Gene as well as Wesley Crusher.

McCoy: Feeling blue, Jim?
Kirk: Can you tell?
McCoy: Yup. That's why I brought you some blue lemonade.
Kirk: It won't help, Bones.
McCoy: Yes it will. I used frozen Romulan ale for ice cubes.

"Romulan ale? Why Bones, you know this is illegal." "I only use it for medicinal purposes."

Sulu: Sir, there's a DY-100-class vessel just ahead.
Kirk: Oh no! It's Khan's twin brother! M-5, fire phasers!
M-5: Sorry, I don't feel like it.
Kirk: I said fire!
M-5: No way, José.
Kirk: My name is James, not José!
M-5: Who cares? You're obsolete.

Nice double reference. You all remember Jose Tyler, don't you?

Spock: Our only hope is to somehow talk the M-5 into self-destructing.
Kirk: (cracking his knuckles) Stand back, Spock, and let the master go to work.

Ha ha. Kirk probably has an official license in talking computers to death by now.

Kirk: How's your patient, Bones?
McCoy: I'm afraid that he'll have to be institutionalized.
Spock: Hmm. "Daystrom Institute."

"No, Spock, I was thinking more of the Tantalus Colony. Let a group of stuffy warp field specialists form the Daystrom Institute if they want. Even though Daystrom had nothing to do with warp engines. Yeah, I don't get it either, I'm probably still a little drunk."

Memory Alpha

* It's pointed out that the only execution-worthy crime in this era is visiting Tarsus IV, but I'd argue that General Order 7 only applies to Starfleet officers. There's no reason to assume that execution for murderers would still be on the books, especially when "the laws of man and God" are mentioned.
* The fourth episode where Kirk talks a computer to death.

Memory Beta

* I best remember M-5's fate from the novel "Immortal Coil", where it ends up on a planet of artificial intelligences, although still disconnected from anything that could hurt it. Data connects it to planetary defenses as a last resort, hoping that the M-5 will defend itself long enough for our heroes to escape. I recommend the book to anyone who wondered about the ultimate fate of all of the artificial intelligences that our heroes keep running into.
Data: I reactivated M-5 and gave it access to the station's defensive systems.
Rhea: You what?
Data: Under the circumstances, it seemed like our best chance to stop the androids.
Rhea: Yeah, not to mention our best chance to get killed in the process. You know that M-5 is crazy, don't you?
Data: Crazy is an imprecise term. It is...single-minded.

YouTube

M-5 destroys an unmanned freighter and defends itself
M-5 commits mass murder
D.C. Fontana discusses the episode
Kirk gets philosophical