The Dicer is Coming!

[Nate the Great]

With the recent rediscovery of the Stargate fivers, I've decided to revive the dicer concept, running through my fivers in order. While I'll be copying over everything here, I recommend running through each fiver in its original format first, then coming back here for the commentary.

Entry One: "The Enemy Within"

HAMMOND: These are the first two planets you're going to go to.
O'NEILL: Flip you for it.
DAVIS: Incoming traveller! Closing the iris.
(Thump thump thump)
HAMMOND: Let's hope the Goa'uld give up soon.
KAWALSKY: I've got a headache. I'll go to the infirmary.

Haha, "Davis". Poor old Walter Harriman went through his share of placeholder names before becoming a true secondary character, didn't he? Anyway, this is a terrible scene. "Flip you for it" is the only real joke, I could've done better.

HAMMOND: Colonel Kennedy is coming to interrogate Teal'c.
O'NEILL: Doesn't that sound fun?

Sound like fun, Jack. And couldn't I have made a JFK or KFC joke?

O'NEILL: Teal'c, I'm sorry to say that some of my superiors are coming to experiment on you.
TEAL'C: I need to earn their trust.
O'NEILL: Yep.

What a snorefest. Where's the joke?

DOCTOR: How long have you been having these headaches?
KAWALSKY: Ever since I got back from Chulak.
DOCTOR: Look at that lump on your neck!
KAWALSKY: What lump? (Kills Doctor. Eyes glow.) Oh, that lump.

If I was writing this today, I'd probably attempt to spin off that old Looney Tunes joke regarding lumps of sugar and lumps on the head.

DANIEL: We need to find this device near the Stargate if we want to come back. Hey, what's Kawalsky doing there?
KAWALSKY: What am I doing here?
O'NEILL: You must have blacked out. Back to the infirmary with you.

Coma, here I come!

KENNEDY: Hi Teal'c. What do you know about how Goa'uld ships or Stargates work?
TEAL'C: Nothing.
KENNEDY: Well that was helpful.
TEAL'C: Indeed.
KENNEDY: Where did they get their slaves?
TEAL'C: From the First World, the Tau'ri.
DANIEL: Teal'c, humans evolved here.
TEAL'C: You are the Tau'ri? Wow.
O'NEILL: Indeed.

It's always nice when people other than Teal'c use "indeed", but this scene was too long.

CARTER: You need to get some sleep.
DANIEL: I know that. I just need to show the viewers I haven't forgotten about Sha're.
CARTER: OK.

This scene could've been extended, I could've even thrown in a repeat of the lump joke from earlier.

WARNER: There's a Goa'uld in Kawalsky's brain.
O'NEILL: Bummer.
KAWALSKY GOA'ULD: Time to kidnap Carter in a futile escape attempt.
CARTER: Why me?
KAWALSKY GOA'ULD: You're the closest.

I feel that I could've come up with something better than "bummer", possibly involving "buzzkill" or "wet blanket." I also think I could've made the punchline more foreboding, involving a prediction of Jolinar or something.

CARTER: You'll never escape.
KAWALSKY GOA'ULD: Shut up. (Throws her against wall)
O'NEILL: What's going on?
KAWALSKY: Help me get her to the infirmary!

On second thought, if I was rewriting this today I'd skip the whole "kidnap Carter" thing to make room for other jokes and plot points.

HAMMOND: Can you remove the Goa'uld?
WARNER: Maybe.
KAWALSKY: You need to cut it out of me!
O'NEILL: Later.

Toss this whole scene, merge the plot points with a later one.

KENNEDY: Teal'c, we need to make sure that it's not your Goa'uld in Kawalsky.
TEAL'C: OK. (He pulls it out)
O'NEILL: Yuck!

Again, there's a better O'Neill punchline somewhere...

KAWALSKY GOA'ULD: Send me through the Stargate.
HAMMOND: Not until we take you out of Kawalsky.
KAWALSKY GOA'ULD: You will all die!

Where's the joke?

KENNEDY: Maybe we should leave the Goa'uld inside Kawalsky if they'll both die if we remove it.
HAMMOND: Let me think about it. No.

That should be two different sentences. Furthermore, I should've had a joke where Hammond lords over Kennedy.

KAWALSKY: If this doesn't work kill me.
O'NEILL: OK.

Unneeded scene, skip it, skip it!

WARNER: The procedure worked!
O'NEILL: How much time do we have left in the episode?
WARNER: About twenty minutes.
O'NEILL: Then I'm sure it didn't.

Finally, a fiver-worthy scene!

KENNEDY: I'm going to turn Teal'c into a guinea pig!

Why is this here?

KAWALSKY GOA'ULD: Serve me, Jaffa!
TEAL'C: No.
KAWALSKY GOA'ULD: Then die!
TEAL'C: Sorry, I'm a main character. I can't die.
KAWALSKY GOA'ULD: Drat.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

You gotta love main character invulnerability.

KAWALSKY GOA'ULD: I'll go to Chulak!
TEAL'C: I think not.
O'NEILL: Let me stick your head in the wormhole. Turn it off!
DANIEL: Ouch.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

A little tweaking is needed, but this one isn't so bad.

HAMMOND: Thinks to a quick call to the President, Teal'c isn't going to be sent away after all.
O'NEILL: Goody.
HAMMOND: Time to go on your first mission and forget Kawalsky ever existed.
O'NEILL: OK.

Again, O'Neill saying "goody" is weird. "Cool" would be way better.