Sci-fi story help - need a little insight on a story i wrote

[Celeste]

[color=#000000ost_uid0]Sorry, but I have to stand by my work. I don't like sentances.. that have.. two words.. back.. to back.. like this.. it's just annoying. Normaly I let the reader just know she's coughing, or gasping for air, instead of just writing it in. Makes you think as a reader anyways. Of course there are some times when you have to do that.

By you having her roll on her back it leaves her exposed and vulnerable. That's the exact oposite of what she wishes to feel. She curls up in a ball to protect herself and feel safe against the world. Plus, the scream..? No no All the anger has left her, it's only sadness now. She can no longer scream.[/colorost_uid0]