Eighth Novel Fiver: The Devil's Heart

[NAHTMMM]

This is a really good read. So if you haven’t read the book and there’s a chance you might, don’t read this fiver yet. In any other case, enjoy!

This being another large novel (you’d think I would know better by now), I have of course left lots of stuff out.


The Devil's Heart by Carmen Carter

It keeps going on. So does Celine Dion’s heart. Coincidence?


Kanda Jiak: I, the Bearer of the Gem, take this moment to bewail the destruction of our beloved planet Iconia in this nightmarish flashback. If only we had had some sort of non-interference directive to keep us from befriending the barbarians around us . . .
Ko N'ya: Whatever, just step through the portal so I can redirect you to where I want to go.
Kanda Jiak: As if I care where I end up. *zwip* ACK! How'd I travel to a desert?! Okay, I'm caring, I'm caring!
Ko N'ya: Woohoo, tanning time!
Kanda Jiak: Save me, strange little rock we built our civilization on!
Ko N'ya: Pbbbbbt!

T'Sara: In my capacity as the senior archaeologist on this expedition, I hereby declare this strange little rock to be not only the Ko N'ya but also "like, totally fascinating".
Other Vulcans: In our capacities as the orthodox archaeologists present, we hereby declare you to be out of your Vulcan mind.
T'Sara: Seriously, I get the wildest dreams whenever I sleep with this thing in my arms.
Other Vulcans: Suuuure. You're as loony as a time-worn Tuvok.
Orion Raiders: In our capacity as the guys with the guns, we declare you all to be dead and the Ko N'ya to be ours.
Other Vulcans: We are NOT dead and that rock is NOT the Ko N—GAK!

Commander Miyakawa: As the woman in charge of Starbase 193, I reflect on how hopelessly backwater this place is. I'd say we were the plankton of the Starfleet food chain, but we don't even photosynthesize diddly-squat.
Camenae: Cheer up, Estrella, you do have the most mysterious woman in all the galaxy as a local attraction!
Commander Miyakawa: Meaning you, right?
Camenae: It would be out-of-character for me to confirm or deny your guess for free.

Crusher: They're dead, Jean. Except for T'Sara, who's going to wake up just long enough for a few dramatic last words.
Picard: Bummer.

Grede: In my capacity as a morally weak communications officer, I hereby leak the news that the Ko N'ya has been found.
Camenae: Thanks. Now scram while I get you out of the way.
Grede: GAK!
Camenae: Not like that.

Camenae: Hello, Mister DiWahn.
Reyjadán: UnDiWahn. When Iconia died, our ancestors remarried. Some of us are still not on speaking terms with our step-planet.
Camenae: Um, right. Note to self: This guy has serious issues.

Riker: (over the comm) We found the Orions' ship and the remains of a Ferengi ship. The Orions are all dead and their ship is in a very dangerous state of—
Picard: Ooo! Dibs on the away mission!

Picard: As the resident dabbler in archaeology and a fan of T'Sara's work, I declare this strange little rock to be the “Ko N'ya”, “Devil's Heart”, “Mithrandir”, “Catamount”, and all its other names.
Worf: In my capacity as the resident Klingon, I call that rock the “Pagrashtak” and declare that it is now a VERY good day to die.

Orions: ZAP MAIM KILL
Ko N'ya: Give in to your anger. Strike them down, and your journey to the Dark Side will be complete.
T'Sara: No. Gak!
Ko N'ya: Fine, whatever. Toodle-oo!
Picard: (waking up) Whoa.

Crusher: I don’t understand all the interest in that rock.
Picard: What, you expected it to look like the artist’s rendering on the cover?

Picard: (over the comm) All ship personnel are hereby restricted from the starbase. There's a woman in the bar there who'll read your minds and sell all your embarrassing secrets and passwords to others.
Guinan: She used to be a very close friend of mine. I wanna go see her.
Picard: Wait, you mean she's Delcara in disguise? This changes everything—
Guinan: No, no, this is a different very close former friend of mine.
Picard: Oh, fine then. She probably already knows all your embarrassing secrets anyway.

Data: This little rock is strange.
Picard: How so?
Data: Standard dating techniques yield erratic results. The rock may have been created at any point from one Redshirt half-life ago to long before Strom Thurmond was born.
Picard: Data, Data, Data. Your relationship skills are still terrible. Never ask a lady her age, especially not while you're dating her. I'd better take the Ko N'ya now so we don't risk offending it any more.

Kruger: The Pagrashtak has been found! We must seize it for the glory of our house! I know, I'll send my grandson to fetch it.

Diat Manja: T'Sara found the Gem! I must see to it that everyone recognizes her achievement! I know, I'll write to my Congressman. Or Warden, whatever.

Emperor Vitellius: Look on my works, ye pathetic blue aliens, and desp—GAK!
Telev: We're already despairing, thanks. How about the opposite?
Ko N'ya: Sure, I've got nothing better to do.

Picard: I wuv you, strange little rock. You tell the best bedtime stories!
Ko N'ya: *mysterious glow*
Picard: And you serve as a portable nightlight, too! How handy is that?