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Five-Minute "Hide and Seek"
Again, some of the material in here is dated--these were written when Enterprise was on the verge of cancellation--and some of it is just plain sucky. But there are good jokes, too.
Five-Minute “Hide and Seek” By Wowbagger McKay: Are the genes ready? Beckett: Ironed, washed, pressed, dried, and bleached. McKay: Not in that order, I hope. Should I mind the ketchup stain on the left knee? Beckett: Of course not. Ancient genes are far more robust than our own. McKay: Wow, I feel powerful! Let’s test this thing out! Major, would you do me a favor and shoot me in the leg? Sheppard: Any time. Meta-Weir: At last, the real title sequence. Cool. Meta-McKay: You realize we can’t really do too much with these "meta"-scenes now that we’re out of the pilot episodes. Meta-Weir: Well, we can always make fun of actor’s names. Like Rainbow Sun Francks. Meta-McKay: Or Torri Higgenson. Meta-Weir: Oh, yeah, that’s a great--HEY! Weir: You irresponsible twerp. McKay: Great. Now you’ve spawned the first Atlantis slash genre: M/W. Weir: You’re seeing things. And that’s W/M to you. Beckett: It’s not his fault, anyhow. It’s mine. To facilitate the gene reaction, I used--I’m sorry—drugs imported from Canada. McKay: I am Canadian! Beckett: Oh. Well, then, I blame your blood. Jinto: Here we are again, doing exactly what our father said we shouldn’t, just like last week. Wex: Hey... doesn’t my character turn out to be a main cast member in disguise? Jinto: You’re mixing franschises again, Wex. Wex: You’re right, of course. *leg stops shimmering gold* Jinto: GUK! Halling: Dr. Weir! Dr. Weir! Jinto is missing! Weir: Excellent. Mr. Grodin... Send in The Clowns. Sheppard: *leading a crack team of rifle-bearing soldiers wearing large red noses* Nothing down here, ma’am. Nice job with the new t-shirts, though. I especially like the motto. Where’d you get it? Weir: Trust me, it wasn’t hard to come up with, “Don’t bother; they’re here.” Grodin: I’ve got it. The monster feeds off energy sources. Puddlejumper: TOS 48, TNG 190, et. al.! Ford: Are you seriously going to do that every time we borrow a plot element or two? Puddlejumper: Only when you don't even bother to rewrite the technobabble. Jinto: Hi! I released the monster, but I also found this really cool teleporter! Halling: My son, I am so pleased to see you alive, well, and quickly earning a name for yourself among these strange people. Sheppard: Yeah, and that name is Wesley Crusher. Ford: Ah! The monster has doubled back on us! We’re trapped! It’s comingggg---GEK! Puddlejumper: Was that a TOS 26 we just saw? Meta-Ford: Wha… where am I? McKay? Meta-McKay: You’re dead. This is the afterlife. And I’m God. Meta-Ford: But… but…! Meta-Weir: Don’t worry, Aiden. The universe is not so badly designed. Weir: Okay, so we need to bait this creature. Rodney, since you’re still wearing the Ancient genes--and wasn’t there anything less ugly in their wardrobe?--why don’t you do it? Sheppard: I volunteer. Waking up the entire Wraith species last week wasn’t quite enough to satisfy my Macho tooth. Teyla: Okay, Jinto. You just light this candle and everything will turn out fine. Halling: (aside) Isn’t the blob drawn towards heat energy? Teyla: I always wished the creators had killed off Wesley earlier in the series. Weir: It turns out that lighting a candle scares away the blob. McKay: Who told you that? Weir: Our puddlejumper. Sheppard: (over comm) Hey, the phloxing blob just turned around and went in your direction! He was muttering something about, “Me love candle.” (pause) Weir: Jumper, I hate you too. Puddlejumper: Must... destroy... competition... Trek Nielsens... must... rise... Blob: All I wanted... was for you to LET ME LOVE YOU! Ford: Aww... deep down, the blob’s a person just like you and me. Blob: Actually, I just find you delicious. McKay: And now, with all hope lost, the blob draining all power from the MALP and the Stargate, I am left with no choice but to be a hero. I expect no reward... GEK! Blob: The pants! They blind me! I have no choice but to surrender! Weir: You know, if he keeps pulling insane stunts like that, McKay will be dead by the end of the first season. Beckett: There’s a George Fabricius quote coming to mind, but I can’t quite put my finger on it… (The Clowns throw pie in Rodney’s face at Ludicrous Speed.) THE END DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff here is copyrighted by Canadians. My intent isn't to infringe on them or their exosites; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the abbreviated version of the universe Zeke created. I don't think he'd mind. Especially not after the pecan pie bribe.
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Wowbagger Forum Lurker CURRENTLY: I've finally dived into the "let's everybody make a fan film" Kool-Aid. Last edited by Wowbagger; 10-22-2007 at 07:21 AM. |
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