This Just In Special Report - Breaking News!

[PointyHairedJedi]

Five-Minute Voyager Launches 2012 Olympic Bid

March 15, 2005

[PRESS CONFERENCE TRANSCRIPT BEGIINS]

JEICE O. GARRIKER: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, and once again thanks for coming at such short notice.
THIS REPORTER: Uh, sure. Um… are there actually supposed to be other reporters here, can I ask?
GARRIKER: Please, no questions until afterwards. And now, I would like to welcome in the Five-Minute Voyager staff, who are here today, on this momentous occasion, this, may I say, very fine, indeed exceptionally nice day, which portends so fortuitously this wonderful announcement, this glowing, shining vision of a glorious future for that paragon of excellence and…
[ZEKE at this point enters, followed by KIRA, MARC, IJG GAF, and DEREK DEAN]
ZEKE: I think we get it, Jeice.
THIS REPORTER: Would you like me to clap or something?
KIRA: Where are all the rest of the press? You said there would be press, Zeke! Reporters and photographers and cameramen, all here to take my pict… uh, pass on the news!
ZEKE: There was sort of a mix-up.
IJD GAF: Sort of? What does sort of mean?
ZEKE: Well, it’s actually a pretty funny story. You see, I was going to announce the press conference, but I got into this argument with this guy at the bus station about Star Trek: Enterprise, and between that and reading Penny Arcade I just plain ran out of time.
KIRA: You had five days!
ZEKE: It was a long argument.
KIRA [pointing at THIS REPORTER]: Then what is he doing here then?
THIS REPORTER: I believe I can answer that one. I got a tip-off from an anonymous source that I should be here at this time if I wanted to see something really really funny.
ZEKE: That’s the last time I ever tell PointyHairedJedi my plans in advance.
DEREK DEAN: Anyway, we do have a reporter, even if it’s just the one, so why not make the announcement anyway?
KIRA: We’d better. I didn’t come all this way for nothing.
IJD GAF: As it happens I’m not actually here anyway. This is just a holographic representation of me. Did you actually think I’d leave Florida to come to Canada? They have snow there! And ice!
MARC: It did seem a little suspicious. It’s a pity though, I bought a nice cedar bird table for you as a gift.
ZEKE: Ahem, if we could possibly get back on track…
GARRIKER: If I could just briefly interrupt you there, Zeke, I need to ask – are you going to need me for the rest of the conference? It’s just I have to be in Alberta for a case tomorrow – a guy with MPD is suing himself for slander. As it happens I’m representing both the prosecution and the defence, and I get to charge hourly for both! Isn’t it great being a lawyer?
ZEKE: If I ever lose my soul I’ll let you know. No, we don’t need you for the rest of the conference Jeice…
KIRA: Hah! If you could call it that.
ZEKE [Glaring at KIRA]: …So you can go.
[GARRIKER leaves]
ZEKE: Right! If we could possibly get back to this announcement now, I would be very grateful indeed.
THIS REPORTER: I’m ready when you are.
ZEKE: Very well, I will now read a prepared statement, and then I’ll take any questions you might have. [Clears throat] We, the management and staff of the parody site Five-Minute Voyager are pleased to announce that we are formally submitting a bid to the International Olympic Committee to host the two-thousand and twelve Olympic Games. It is the considered opinion of us all that we would make an excellent choice to host the games, while at the same time showing the world that 5MV is a strong candidate for any and all such events. The prestige of the Olympics is of course considerable, and I believe that if we were to secure this bid it would lay a strong framework for the future of 5MV, providing a basis for truly proving on the international stage that 5MV is….
[ZEKE at this point flips ahead several pages]
ZEKE: …Blah, blah, blah, it goes on like this for twelve more pages. Who wrote this nonsense anyway?
MARC: I think it was Jiece. He did seem to be rather over-enthused about the idea when I spoke to him earlier.
KIRA: I expect that it was the thought of earning two hourly fees for a case he can drag on as long as he wants to that was behind it.
ZEKE: You know, maybe that lawyer gig isn’t such a bad idea…
[Everyone present starts laughing]
ZEKE: I really crack me up sometimes. Anyway, I think we got the gist of it. Any questions?
THIS REPORTER: Uh, yes, I think I have just a few. Given that Five-Minute Voyager is actually a website, how exactly do you intend to provide the facilities that the Olympics would require?
ZEKE: Well, at the moment we don’t yet as such have any facilities, but we intend to build all the necessary stadia, pools, and accommodation in Marc’s back garden.
MARC: Hey, wait a minute, this is the first I’ve heard about this!
ZEKE: We took a vote, Marc, it was all decided fairly and squarely.
MARC: Vote? What vote?
ZEKE: It’s possible I suppose that we neglected to tell you about it…
MARC: I’m sorry, Zeke, but you’re not building a complete set of Olympic Facilities in my back garden! Besides anything else, there’s no room, not unless you built over the airfield and knocked down the rocket gantries, and that’s just not going to happen!
ZEKE: …Ah. It seems then that we are still in the planning stages over facilities then. Next question?
THIS REPORTER: How exactly do you intend to finance all this? Do you have the backing of any government in this bid?
ZEKE: Well, no. But money isn’t a problem. I still have a few billion from the Microsoft buyout, which should be plenty, but if we do have to raise any more then we’ll do the usual sorts of things.
THIS REPORTER: Usual sorts of things? Could you give examples?
ZEKE: You know, robbing Fort Knox, massive embezzlement and fraud, kidnapping rich people, selling the organs of our board members, that sort of thing.
THIS REPORTER: …I see. If I might ask, why exactly is if you are doing this? What could have possibly, uh, inspired you to make this bid?
ZEKE: Well, I can’t speak for the rest of the staff, but for myself, well, I see it as a way of firmly securing the future of 5MV. Plus of course it’s something to do after the university maths club expelled me for being too nerdy.
THIS REPORTER: What about the rest of you?
KIRA: Given that if we succeed we’ll also be running the whole show, it will of course give my megalomania an unparalleled opportunity to flourish. I even bought a new set of branding irons to celebrate the occasion.
THIS REPORTER: Oooh, kinky.
KIRA: Watch it.
THIS REPORTER: Sorry. So, Marc, what about you?
MARC: I figured I needed a new hobby anyway, and this seemed like a good opportunity. I tried growing bonsai cedar trees for a while, but they all mysteriously vanished one night. I don’t know if you remember IJD, it was right after I told you about them.
IJD GAF: Uh, yes, odd coincidence that. Especially as they are so very nice… I mean, were nice. Not that I actually know that of course, how could I, having not actually seen them myself, so I’m just guessing of course. Yes.
MARC: Say, IJD, I don’t suppose…
IJD GAF: So! I expect you’ll want to know why I pitched in, yes?
THIS REPORTER: Actually, I think Marc was going to ask you something just then. I don’t want to interrupt or anything.
MARC: IJD, I want to ask you a question, and I want a straight answ--
IJD GAF: Yes, I think that’s a lovely tie, now moving on, well, it’s complicated really. Though mainly I said I’d help out to get Kira to stop hitting my arm.
MARC: Look, IJD, stop trying to evade my question! Did you have anything to do with--
IJD GAF: Would you just look at the time! I really must dash I’m afraid, I need to water… ahh, walk… the dog. Yes. Goodbye!
[IJD GAF’s hologram fades out]
THIS REPORTER: Ahm, okay. I think that just leaves you, Derek.
DEREK: I was promised pie.
THIS REPORTER: Fair enough, I guess. Any particular kind?
DEREK: Depends what sort of mood I’m in.
THIS REPORTER: You know, I don’t think I have any more questions.
ZEKE: Right then. Thanks for coming by the way, and if you see the Jedi any time soon give him a good thwap from me, eh?
THIS REPORTER: Sure, I guess.
ZEKE: Super! Come on then everyone, back to the Batcave!
KIRA: You mean your dorm room.
ZEKE: Quiet, you.
[They exit]

[TRANSCRIPT ENDS]