Heads Up, B5 Fans: The Devil Owns Your Souls! - Startling revelation on 10th anniversary

[taya17]

[color=#000000ost_uid0][bost_uid0]EARTH[/bost_uid0]— Written by an atheist. Contains religious themes. Sponsored by the Devil.

Longtime fans of the popular sci-fi soap opera [iost_uid0]Babylon Five[/iost_uid0] may be shocked to find out that series creator J. Michael Straczynski sold their souls to the Devil in exchange for putting the show on air.

This fact remained unknown until recently, when fan and certified seer Llisa Hullbt saw the exchange in a dream.

"I saw it, clear as day, as if it was happening before my eyes," said Ms. Hullbt, who lives on Aloparc Island in the Maldives. Â "[JMS] had tried unsuccessfully for a year to convince the network heads to pick up [iost_uid0]Babylon Five[/iost_uid0]. He was quite desperate.

"As a last resort he turned to divine intervention. But God wanted no truck with atheists, so he turned instead to the Devil.

"He said, 'Lucifer, I know these guys are on your payroll. What do I have to do to get them to put my show on air?'

"The Devil replied,'What you ask will be costly, for good programming goes against the edicts of network television, and much work must be undertaken to undo this. '

"JMS said, 'And I am willing to pay any price for it.'

"So the Devil asked him for the souls of all the cast, crew, and other persons who worked on the series. As a bonus, he also asked for the souls of all those who would eventually be fans of the show.

"It was a difficult decision, and [JMS] mulled over it for a long time. But finally he said, "Oh, well. I never really thought much of the wallpaper in Heaven, anyway."

Ms. Hullbt confirmed that the Devil appeared to her immediately after this dream and triumphantly staked claim to her soul.

"He told me that as fans of the show, we would all be going to Hell after we died."

Fan reaction to this news was mixed. Some were unhappy that something so important was kept from them for so long. "All these years I've been trying to lead a straight life, and now you tell me I'm going to Hell anyway? Have you any idea how much sinning I could have done in that time?" asked Waterdaughter, a devoted fan of many years.

Others had more ambivalent feelings towards the revelation. "It figures. After being fans of this series for such a long time, I don't think any of us are innocent enough to be admitted into Heaven anymore," said Leyenn. "We know too much."

There are some who were positively delighted by it. "I mean, that's great," gushed incurable Centauriphile Hobsonphile. "If  every B5 fan who ever was, is and will be is going to end up in Hell someday, Hell's going to be the location of our biggest convention ever! We'll be all over the place! In fact, I predict that within the next few decades, there'll be so many of us that Hell will be [iost_uid0]run[/iost_uid0] by B5 fans."

Some look upon it differently. Selenak, a known and convicted multi-fandom whore mused, "How likely is it that JMS is the [iost_uid0]only[/iost_uid0] series creator for whom it occured to strike a deal with the Devil? Contrary to popular belief, there are quite a number of good, network-television-ethic-opposing shows on air which must also have come into being in a similar way.

"Take the miraculous return of [iost_uid0]Farscape[/iost_uid0], for example. A result of pressure from the fans? I hardly think so. We all know that network execs, having their brains in their asses, are incapable of rendering proper speech, much less comprehending such speech produced by intelligent beings. More likely David Kemper paid a night visit to the Underworld and got the same deal signed with the Devil. [[iost_uid0]Ed: Farscapers, you have been warned.[/iost_uid0]]

"If that is true, then I expect Hell is going to be flooded with fanatics of many different fandoms, all of whom will have different ideas on the way Hell ought to be run. As a result, Hell will most likely end up the battlefield for the bloodiest fandom war ever in the history of Mankind.

"The poor Devil doesn't know what he's in for."

Neither JMS nor Babylonian Productions could be contacted for comment.

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