Cliffhangers: The Saga Continues

[Tate]

I was thinking, recently, and I remembered that part 7 of Cliffhangers ended in (what else?) a cliffhanger and a "To Be Continued." I realize, of course, that it is supposed to end that way; it's a cliffhanger and is intended to leave the reader hanging. But I also realized that it would be an opportunity for me to write something funny.
So, in the tradition of Bored at Work/Home fivers (if anyone remembers those), and with apologies to Zeke and anyone else I may have portrayed, referenced, or plagiarized, I give you:

Cliffhangers, Part 8
By Tate
Previously on Cliffhangers....
IJD: We've gotta get out of here!
Marc: Zeke! Think of something!
Zeke: Okay! Here goes!
Derek: Well, it's a cliffhanger.
IJD: Maybe. On the other hand, we are all dangling from a cliff.
Zeke: Ehh, we'll be fine. We just need to keep level heads and, above all, not look down.
Zeke, Kira, Marc, IJD, and Derek: AAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Sa’ar Chasm: (Dangling near the top of the rope) Ow! Stop yelling!
IJD: Well excuse me if I’m hanging on for—HEY! Marc! You have hair!
Sa’ar: Ahem.
IJD: Marc! You have hair and your clothes are different!
Sa’ar: AHEM!
IJD: Marc! You have hair, your clothes are different, and you seem to have changed your name again!
Sa’ar: Never speak to me again.
Scooter: Will you two please be quiet? I’m trying to save us.
(Scooter pulls out a sonic screwdriver, with which he somehow manages to hoist himself, Sa’ar, Derek, IJD, and Zeke up to the top of the cliff. Kira and Marc have strangely vanished.)
Zeke: Thanks for the rescue, guys. But I think you owe us an explanation.
IJD: At five-percent interest.
Scooter: How can we owe interest on an explanation?
Derek: Well I’m certainly interested in hearing an explanation.
Sa’ar: Fair enough. What do you want to know?
Zeke: For starters, where are Marc and Kira?
Sa’ar: I’m sorry to say they are no longer with us.
Zeke: You mean, they’re…
Scooter: Yeah.
IJD: Alas, poor Marc and Kira; I knew them well.
Derek: How did they die?
Sa’ar: Huh? What are you talking about?
Zeke: You just said…
Sa’ar: I said that they are no longer with us. Meaning that they’ve gone back home.
Scooter: See, Sa’ar and I decided we wanted to join you guys in your adventure. When we realized you were dangling from a rope on the edge of a cliff, we figured it was about time for us to take over narration.
Sa’ar: And when we talked with Kira and Marc a couple of days ago, they told us they were getting tired of this adventure and should be getting back to their homes. After all, they’re busy people; they can’t spend weeks at a time in some silly adventure.
Derek: What are you implying?
Sa’ar: Oh, nothing. Anyway, we decided to narrate those two out of the adventure when we took over the narration.
Zeke: So you want us to continue our adventures without them?
Scooter: Sure. Think of it as a retcon, if you prefer. From now on, it has always been the five of us on this adventure.
IJD: Or we could consider it to be a re-imagining of the original Cliffhangers. The adventures would have the same setting, but would have a different plot, better special effects, and somewhat different characters, including a character whose gender is different than one in the original. You know, kind of like—
Zeke: Are you going to compare us to BattleStar Galactica?
IJD: Um…
Zeke: ARE YOU GOING TO COMPARE US TO BATTLESTAR GALACTICA?
IJD: …No! Of course not!
Zeke: Good. I’d hate to have to use the hammer of smiting.
Derek: Of course, if you did use it, then you’d be a basher, wouldn’t you?
Zeke: …Changing the subject, I think we should be getting back to our homes now.
Scooter: What? Now wait just a minute here. We didn’t save you just to have you leave. We want in.
Sa’ar: Yeah, we want to have an adventure.
Zeke: Fine, if you insist. I suppose we can have a quick adventure before going home. What did you two have in mind?
Scooter: Uh…
Sa’ar: Er…
Scooter: See, we hadn’t quite gotten to that point in our plans yet.
Sa’ar: I really don’t have any ideas.
Derek: Great, so we’re right back where we started.
IJD: We’re starting at the beginning again? The case for my re-imagining theory grows.
Scooter: Hey! Here’s an idea; we ask our loyal fanbase for suggestions.
Zeke: Good idea. They’ve already demonstrated that they have excellent tastes by liking the site.
Derek: So where are we going to find some fans to ask?
Sa’ar: At the forum, of course. Let’s go.
(Colors swirl around our heroes, gradually congealing into solid forms.)

[Tate]

Zeke: Uh, Sa’ar? When you said ‘the forum’…
Sa’ar: What?
(The five staffers are wearing togas and are standing in the middle of a large, open plaza, amidst a multitude of similarly dressed people. Surrounding the plaza are several stone buildings.)
Zeke: We’re supposed to be at the Five-Minute forums!
Sa’ar: Zeke, when you’ve been on the Internet as long as I have, you realize that if you’ve been to one forum, you’ve been to them all.
Zeke: That’s not true! The forums on my site are much better than most of the forums out there.
Sa’ar: That’s what all the webmasters say.
Derek: Seriously, regardless of the relative merits of different forums, how does being in the Roman Forum help us find fans of FiveMinute.Net?
IJD: Yeah, we can’t just start talking to someone here and assume that they like the site.
Scooter: Really? Let’s try. Hey, you there! Do you like FiveMinute.Net?
Tate: Yes.
Derek: That was easy. You’re Tate, right?
Tate: That’s me.
Zeke: Do you have any ideas for our adventure this year?
Tate: Hmmm… How about you’re on an alien ship hurtling through space at the speed of light…
Derek: Sorry, but we’ve done that already.
Tate: Okay. Then what if you’re travelling from one dimension to another, trying to get back home?
IJD: We did that years ago.
Tate: I thought it sounded familiar. Well, maybe you all could go back in time to prevent a television show from being erased from the timeline.
Scooter: Come on, be serious.
Tate: Sorry, I’m all out of ideas.
Zeke: Oh well, thanks anyway. I don’t suppose you’d be interested in joining us on our adventure, would you?
Tate: Thanks for the offer. I’d really like to, but I think I should be getting back home. I haven’t even had breakfast yet.
Sa’ar: Well, so long. Enjoy your Chex.
Tate: Huh?
Sa’ar: You said you were going to have breakfast…
Tate: Yes, but I was planning on having a bowl of puffed rice. Why’d you think I was going to have Chex?
Sa’ar: Um, no reason.
Tate: Never mind, then. I’ll see you guys later.
Derek: So much for that plan. Maybe we should try to find some other fan.
Scooter: Or we could just listen to that speaker over there. He sounds interesting.
Mark Antony: …and Zeke is an honorable man.
Derek: Hey! He mentioned Zeke!
Zeke: He’s obviously an intelligent individual.
Sa’ar: How intelligent can he be if he leaves the ‘u’ out of ‘honourable’?
IJD: And he doesn’t seem to be very persuasive. The crowd seems to be getting angry with Zeke, even though that guy said he was honorable.
Zeke: You know, the crowd does seem angry. Violent, even.
Derek: Yeah, they keep looking at you with furious expressions. Maybe we should leave.
Sa’ar: Nonsense. It’s not as if they can accuse Zeke of killing a popular statesman or something like that.
Man In Crowd: Let not a traitor live! Zeke hath slain Caesar!
Sa’ar: Then again…
(The five cliffhangers back up as the angry mob advances on them. Scooter points his sonic screwdriver at the crowd in a vaguely threatening manner.)
IJD: I don’t suppose this is a good time to ask if any of us speaks Latin.
(Some time later, Scooter, Sa’ar, IJD, and Derek are sitting in a dark prison cell.
IJD: Hey! We don’t have to speak Latin! Those people were speaking English!
Derek: Yeah, we must be in Shakespeare’s ‘Julius Caesar’ instead of ancient Rome itself. A lot of good that does us now.
Scooter: Yeah; none of us can speak Elizabethan English either.
IJD: Hey! I can speak it. "To be, or not to be; that is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler to deny thy father and refuse thy name, or whether in the why and wherefore there is neither rhyme nor reason."
Sa’ar: Wow. What does that mean?
IJD: I dunno. Something about angst, I guess.
Derek: (sigh) It’s too bad what happened to Zeke.
Scooter: Are you sure? ‘Cause we don’t actually know what happened. We were dragged away before we got to see.
Sa’ar: I think we should be content with our ignorance for now. This is a cliffhanger, after all. Zeke’s fate should be a surprise to be revealed later on.
(A guard approaches the cell.)
Derek: Hey! Can you tell us why we’re being kept here?
Guard: Don’t you know already? You’re being detained on charges of association with Zeke, who is accused of murder.
Derek: But Zeke’s not a murderer.
Guard: Tell that to the angry mob.
IJD: We tried. They were shouting so loud they couldn’t hear us.
Guard: Speaking of tried, your trial is set for tomorrow morning. Your execution is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon.
Scooter: Wow. You guys don’t waste any time, do you?
Guard: What the people want, the people get.
Derek: But Rome is a Republic, not a Democracy!
Guard: Fine. You can appeal to the Chancellor, if you wish.
Sa’ar: Chancellor? Are you sure this is the right Republic-about-to-become-an-Empire?
Guard: Yes.
IJD: All the same, I’ll keep my eyes open for any Jedi.
Scooter: Especially those of the pointy-haired variety.
Guard: Look, do you want to appeal to the Chancellor or not?
Derek: What choice do we have? Yes, we want to appeal to the Chancellor.
Guard: I’ll notify him of your wishes. (Leaves)
IJD: I hate to say this, but I doubt we’ll have much success with our appeal. The people seem dead-set on convicting us.
Scooter: Do you have to put it that way?
Derek: If only we had a tricorder. Then we could probably find a weak spot in the cell, and escape that way.
Scooter: I have a tricorder.
IJD: No, Scooter, that’s a sp-Hey! That’s a fork.
Scooter: Yeah, I thought the spoon joke was getting too cliched.
Sa’ar: Wait a minute, let me have that.
(Sa’ar grabs the fork and jabs it at the guard, who is returning to the cell. As the guard stumbles backward to avoid being hit by the fork, he conveniently drops his key within the reach of our heroes.)
Sa’ar: Quick! Follow me!
(The four staffers dash out of the cell and down a long hallway. A minute of frantic racing later, they find themselves in a large, cedar-paneled room. Two rows of guards flank an aisle leading toward a dais on the other end of the room. Beyond the guards are hundreds of spectators. As the cliffhangers turn to leave, they find that several guards have moved to block their exit.)
Derek: Great move, Sa’ar. Any other ideas?
(A bailiff approaches the center of the room and raises his hands.)
Bailiff: Here ye, hear ye. The Court of Rome is now in session. The honourable Chancellor Valium presiding.
Derek, IJD, Sa’ar, and Scooter: Chancellor Valium?
Valium: (Ascending the dais) Hey, it’s Sa’ar’s narration.
Sa’ar: Good point.
Derek: So, Valium, what can we do to convince you that we’re innocent?
Valium: Actually, you don’t need to do anything. I’ve reviewed the evidence, and it doesn’t look like you’ve done anything wrong. I’m inclined to just let you go.
IJD: Alright!
Valium: But first…
Derek, IJD, Sa’ar, and Scooter: Uh-oh.
Valium: There’s a standard courtroom procedure we have around here. I have to ask you all three questions. If you answer correctly, you get to go free. Otherwise, the trial continues.
Scooter: Who thought that rule up?
Derek: Ask us your questions, Chancellor; we are not afraid.
Valium: First question: What are your names?
Sa’ar: Huh? You already know our names.
Valium: Would you prefer I asked you a harder question?
Sa’ar: No, this is fine. My name is Sa’ar Chasm.
Scooter: I’m Scooter.
Derek: I’m Derek Dean.
IJD: My name’s IJD GAF.
Valium: Second question: What is your quest?
Scooter: I seek brains.
Sa’ar: I seek a heart.
IJD: I seek courage.
Derek: I just want to go home.
Valium: Look, guys. If you aren’t going to be serious…
IJD: Just kidding. We really seek adventure.
Scooter: And a "Get out of jail free" card.
Derek: And it would be nice to have Zeke back.
Valium: Final question: What is the natural logarithm of pi?
(Pause.)
Sa’ar: Um…
Valium: I’m waiting.
Derek: See, at times like this it would be really useful to have Zeke with us.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Next time on Cliffhangers…
A duel to the death!
Sa’ar: Wait, I have to fight armed only with a shrubbery? These Monty Python references have gotten seriously out of hand.
Scooter: Maybe you should ask Valium to give you a herring.
And Zeke returns…changed.
Zeke: I am Locus of Borg. Your distinctiveness will be added to our own. Resistance is like dividing one by zero.
Derek: If you’re the locus of the Borg, shouldn’t you be part of the Delta Quadrant?

[MaverickZer0]

Ahahahahahaha!

...No, seriously, it was good. Don't stop.

[PointyHairedJedi]

Oh, I enjoyed that very muchly. Those crazy Romans, what will they do next?

[Sa'ar Chasm]

I was all set to point out that I make a point of saying "fora" and not "forums", but then I saw that none of my lines actually contain that word.

Sa’ar: How intelligent can he be if he leaves the ‘u’ out of ‘honourable’?

This, however, I would definitely say *g*

Valium: (Ascending the dais) Hey, it’s Sa’ar’s narration.

Oh, sure, blame me. I complex, I tells ya...

IJD: Marc! You have hair, your clothes are different, and you seem to have changed your name again!

And you're a foot taller and twenty years younger and your eyes have changed colour.

[Zeke]

That was exceedingly funny -- aside from the gaping plot hole, that is. I do speak Latin.

[Chancellor Valium]

ROFL. Very good stuff Tate

And yay! I have lines! And stuff!

Thanks, Tate!

[PointyHairedJedi]

Originally Posted by Zeke

That was exceedingly funny -- aside from the gaping plot hole, that is. I do speak Latin.

You're a bit stuffed trying to do math in Roman numerals though - the lack of a zero would soon get in the way, I'd imagine.

I wonder what pi would be...

[Chancellor Valium]

Originally Posted by Zeke

That was exceedingly funny -- aside from the gaping plot hole, that is. I do speak Latin.

...Given a lexicon, a grammar, and a crash course in actually speaking the stuff?