Ocarina of Time Fiver ver. 2.0

[Nate the Great]

So I've been working on a new version of my OOT fiver. It's unfinished, but I'd like to post it for you guys for review. It's way too long for a fiver, but I think the jokes are better than my first one. I'm not expecting it to replace the original, but the universe can always use more altvers, right? Anyway, reviews are appreciated, especially regarding jokes that should be cut to make this thing a bit more svelte. Oh, and apparently this thing is too long, so I'll have to cut it up.

Five-Minute The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Version 2.0

Part One: The Kokiri Emerald

Deku Tree: Navi, I summon thee!
Navi: Hey, you don’t have to shout, and for the last time, I’m not a Pokemon!
Deku Tree: Close enough. Anyway, go get Link for me.
Navi: Great, I’ve been waiting years for this. Shall I poison him, slit his throat, or just drive him insane with my incessant ringing?
Deku Tree: Not that kind of getting, just bring him here.
Navi: Spoilsport.

Navi: Hey, lazypants! Wake up!
Link: Whoa, I had such a strange dream. You were there, and…oh, I guess you’re the only one here.
Navi: Whatever. Come on, you have to go see the Great Deku Tree.
Link: I can see him now, his pictograph’s over there on the wall.
Navi (sighs): I can see this is going to be a long game.

Mido: Hey, why isn’t my speakertag “The Great Mido?”
Link: The fivist hates you. Anything else?
Mido: Yeah. Ahem. “None shall pass!”
Link: But you have a shrubbery right next to you.
Mido: Yeah, but you don’t have a herring. That’s why I hate you.
Link: Because I’m hard up on a herring?
Mido: That pun just bought you a useless side quest.
Link: Rats.

Link: Finally. Okay, Great Deku Tree, I’m here!
Deku Tree: Great. I summoned you to end my curse by killing a giant spider.
Link: Spiders. Why’d it have to be spiders?
Navi: That’s lame.
Link: But it was so obvious!

Queen Gohma: Aaargh!
Link: What, did Timmy fall down a well again?
Queen Gohma: Hiss!
Link: I can save money on my car insurance by switching to Geiko? Okay, you’re making no sense. Time to die now.
Queen Gohma: Gak!

Deku Tree: Hey, good job. Too bad I’m dying anyway.
Link: Bummer.
Deku Tree: But as a nice consolation prize, here’s the Kokiri Emerald.
Link: Oooooh, sparkly!
Deku Tree: Good luck, Navi. Gak!

[Nate the Great]

Part Two: Princess Zelda

Saria: Before you leave the Kokiri Forest, I have a gift for you.
Link: Oooh, a Fairy Ocarina!
Saria: Just promise to return it once you get a better one.
Link: Why? You’ve got another one behind your back, I can see it!
Saria: Each one is a collectible! See the maker’s mark on the back?
Link: “Authentic Fairy Ocarina #15678 of 1,000,000.” Well, I feel special now.

Gaebora Kaebora: Hi there, I’m---
Link: Someone who I can already tell is going to be a huge pest who’s always going to be using his telekinesis to stop me in my tracks. Now buzz off.
Gaebora Kaebora: But I’m the only one who knows how to get to Hyrule Castle!
Link: You and this self-healing sign right here.
Gaebora Kaebora: Grumble. Uppity brats these days…

Malon: Hi there! I’m Obligatory Love Interest Number Two!
Link: Can I just call you OLINT? I hope you have some purpose.
Malon: I want you to take care of this egg.
Link: Then the answer is no.

Castle Guard: None shall pass!
Link: We already did that joke.
Castle Guard: Oh, okay. How about…Hey, where’d he go?
Link: Zoinks!

Zelda: Hey, you were in my dreams!
Link: I thought that was my line.
Zelda: You were sent to save Hyrule by gathering the Spiritual Stones.
Link: Wow, that’s a leap. I just wanted directions to the gift shop.
Zelda: Here’s my autograph. I even notarized it.
Link: So you gave me two autographs. Double the pleasure, double the fun!

Impa: I’ll tell you the way to the exit. Go down that hall, take a left at Produce—
Link: I thought you were going to give some mysterious, mystical speech.
Impa: Why would I want to do that? It’s the owl’s job anyway.
Link: How’d you know—oh, never mind. Here I go to save the day!

Navi: You should go tell Saria that you’re going to save Hyrule.
Link: Why? I just left there after being trapped my whole life!
Navi: Do you want me to sic the owl on you?
Link: Oh, fine! You’d think a future savior of the world would get more respect…

Saria: Hey, what’s this fish doing in my lap?
Link: Long story. So, do you have any ideas on how I can get in to see Darunia?
Saria: Does he like music? Of course he does. Here’s a song. By the way, you can use it to talk to me over great distances. Just don’t call collect, okay?
Link: Oooooh….kaaayyyy….

[Nate the Great]

Part Three: The Goron's Ruby

Navi: This is Death Mountain.
Link: Yeah, I know, Impa already told me. Are you actually going to tell me anything useful?
Navi: How about “look out for that heavy gate!”
Link: Oh yeah, that’s coher—ouch!
Navi: It’s good to be me.

Town Guard: None shall pass!
Link: Rule of three, huh?
Town Guard: Yeah. Now go away.
Link: But I have Zelda’s autograph!
Town Guard: It’s even notarized. Wow!

Navi: You actually want to go graverobbing to find a fireproof Hylian shield?
Link: Yeah. I’m that much of a cheapskate.
Navi: But what about that meddling kid who won’t let you touch anything?
Link: I suppose I’ll have to learn a song to turn night to day and get rid of him.
Navi: Yeah, right, that’s plausible. Where would you find something like—
Link: On this tombstone right here.
Navi: Smarty-pants. Humph.

Goron: I’m wallowing in depression since I can’t lick the Goron’s Ruby.
Link: That’s disturbing on about three different levels. Besides, how’d you get up here? This platform is supported by three ropes.
Goron: Um, magic?
Link: If this weren’t a pseudo-medieval fantasy, I’d smack you for being a smart-aleck, but that must be exactly what happened.

Link: Hey, let me in!
Darunia: I’m depressed. Go away!
Link: How about some ice cream?
Darunia: Rocky Road?
Link: Yeah!
Darunia: No! Psych!

Darunia: That’s a great song! How’d you make one ocarina sound like a whole orchestra?
Link: Magic. Can I have the Spiritual Stone now?
Darunia: Nah, you have to evict the Dodongo’s from Dodongo’s Cavern first.
Link: Why’s it called that if they’re the infestation?
Darunia: Well, we just thought that the name was catchier than what we used to call it.
Link: I shudder to ask.
Darunia: “The Cave of Caerbannogh.”
Link: Aaaaaarrrrggghhh!

Link: Let’s see. Huge boulder blocking the door to Dodongo’s Cavern. Highly unstable Bomb Flower on the ledge overlooking said huge boulder. I wonder what I should do?
Navi: Please tell me you’re joking.
Link: I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the sound of the bomb destroying the boulder. What were you saying?
Navi: I hate you.
Link: So nothing new, huh?

King Dodongo: Roar!
Link: Did you eat the jalapeno boulders again? Bad monster!
King Dodongo: Gak!
Link: Sorry, can’t hear you over the sound of you dying. I’m so cool.

Darunia: Hey, good job! You’re my Blood Brother from now on?
Link: Could I have the Goron’s Ruby instead?
Darunia: Ha ha ha! Such a kidder. Let me give you a noogie.
Link: No, really, the Spiritual Stone would be fine.

[Nate the Great]

Part Four: The Zora's Sapphire

Link: Toot toot toot!
Ocarina: I’m sorry, but Saria of the Kokiri is away from her Ocarina at the moment. Would you like to leave a message?
Link: She’s probably washing her hair again. I guess I’ll just blow up these boulders.
Navi: Hey, look, it worked! You opened up a path!
Link: What? I mean, of course! That was my plan all along. Yeah.
Navi: You’re a horrible liar.
Link: And you’re a horrible guide. Deal with it.

Navi: There’s a door behind that there waterfall!
Link: Okay, that’s it. No more cold pizza after dark for you.
Navi: You’re mean!

King Zora: My daughter Ruto has the Zora’s Sapphire. She’s behind me at Lord Jabu-Jabu’s shrine, but—
Link: Oh, let me guess. “None shall pass!”
King Zora: Hey, how’d you know that?
Link: Wild guess. Hey, what’s that!
King Zora: What?
Link: Zoinks!

Link: So you’re Lord Jabu-Jabu.
Jabu-Jabu: Ribbit.
Link: Timmy fell into the well AGAIN?
Navi: Can we get this over with now?
Link: Sure, just let me do my Fish Dance to get him to open his mouth.
Navi: No, not the Hokey-Pokey! The horror! The Hyrulianity!

Ruto: Go away! I’m fine!
Link: Hey, lady, and I use that term loosely; you’re stuck in the belly of a giant fish. You’re hardly “fine.”
Ruto: Of course I am! I can knock on his teeth just as easily as you can to get out.
Link: Really? I thought I’d have to hack my way out.
Ruto: Men! And I use that term loosely.

Ruto: Hey, it’s my mother’s stone! The Zora’s Sapphire!
Link: Actually, it looks more like the Zora’s Sapphires. There are three stones!
Ruto: Oh, be quiet or you’ll dissuade me from declaring you my fiancée.
Link: Oh, I would NEVER want THAT to happen!

Ruto: Hey, this platform is moving up!
Link: I can see that!
Navi: Can you see the Big Octo that came down?
Link: Of course. Who could miss a butt that big?
Navi: I sure don’t miss it!
Link: Lame…

Link: Hey, I killed Big Octo, so where’s Ruto?
Navi: Did you really expect it to be that simple?
Link: Kinda.
Navi: You’re hopeless.

Barinade: Sizzle!
Link: Oh, an electric monster in a fish dungeon. That’s new.
Navi: Less talk, more chop!
Barinade: Gak!
Link: Ugh, and now I’m covered in gak! Stupid death puns…

Ruto: Here’s the Spiritual Stone. Of course this means we’re engaged.
Link: Uh, don’t you hate me?
Ruto: Not anymore! I’m very fickle. Hadn’t you noticed?
Link: So if I wait ten minutes we won’t be engaged anymore?
Ruto: Good luck with that theory.

Link: Whoa, wasn’t it a sunny day just a second ago?
Navi: Yes.
Link: So how come it’s suddenly a stormy night?
Navi: Beats me.
Link: Weird…

Navi: It’s Zelda and Impa!
Zelda: Link, take this!
Link: Whoa, good arm!
Navi: I give it an eight.

Ganondorf: Hey, you, where did Zelda go?
Link: What does she look like?
Ganondorf: Like this glowing orb of doom, only more princessy.
Link: Sorry, but I’ve already got an annoying pink powerpuff.
Navi: Hey!

[Nate the Great]

Part Five: The Time Skip

Link: Ooh, no more drinking Poes before bed. What a headache!
Navi: Oh, that’s just the shrill whistle of a magic ocarina in the moat.
Link: And you would notice a shrill sound…how?
Navi: I’d be quiet if I were you. Otherwise I’d be forced to sing “It’s a Small World After All” to you.
Link: The horror!

Ocarina: You’ve reached the Princess Zelda channel on Ocarina VoiceMail. If you wish to leave a message, play an A note. If you wish to learn a new song, play a B note…
Link: (B)
Ocarina: Here’s the Song of Time. Now hightail it to the Temple of Time!
Link: Where else would you play something called the Song of Time?
Navi: You’d be surprised…

Navi: It’s the Master Sword!
Link: I’d hate to see the Doctorate Sword. Yeesh, this thing’s heavy!
Ganondorf: I’d be happy to take it off your hands!
Link: Where’d you come from?
Ganondorf: That plot hole over there. See, it even has a sign on it!
Link: Rats.

Link: Yawn! I feel like I’ve slept for a week.
Rauru: Seven years, actually.
Link: Navi, did you forget to set my alarm clock AGAIN?
Navi: I plead the fifth!

Rauru: So you’ve been in stasis for seven years so you’ll be old enough to wield the Master Sword and save Hyrule.
Link: Hmm. So you have the power to do that, but not keep Ganondorf AWAY from the Temple of Time?
Rauru: He used the servant’s entrance.
Link: Ugh.

Navi: The Temple of Time is in pretty good shape. I wonder who’s been dusting everything?
Sheik: That would be me.
Link: And you would be…?
Sheik: The name is Sheik. Basil Exposition Sheik.

Shiek: I’m here to tell you where to go.
Link: Please tell me you killed the owl.
Shiek: Yes.
Link: Then you’re my new best friend.

[NAHTMMM]

Link: Whoa, I had such a strange dream. You were there, and…oh, I guess you’re the only one here.

Nicely done!

Rauru: So you’ve been in stasis for seven years so you’ll be old enough to wield the Master Sword and save Hyrule.
Link: Hmm. So you have the power to do that, but not keep Ganondorf AWAY from the Temple of Time?
Rauru: He used the servant’s entrance.
Link: Ugh.

*snerk*