View Single Post
Old 03-20-2019, 11:47 PM
Nate the Great's Avatar
Nate the Great Nate the Great is offline
Knate airrant
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 3,837

The Fiver

Picard: Donald, what's your ship doing in the Neutral Zone?
Captain Varley: (on static-filled viewscreen) At the moment, no more than one kilometer per hour.


Picard: I mean, what's your purpose here? I hope you weren't looking for some mythical planet like Eden.

Don't remind me of the hippies, you Herbert.

Worf: Sir, sensors are detecting catastrophic events on the Yamato!
Picard: Specify!
Worf: An exploding wall console has killed several Bridge officers, and Captain Varley has apparently ordered his Betazoid Counselor to take the helm!

Exploding wall consoles are a dime a dozen, but counselors at the helm, that's a disaster waiting to happen...

La Forge: It's a well-known fact that the more you overtake the plumbing, the easier it is to stop up the drain.

Nice Search for Spock joke.

Varley: (on screen) The ancient artifact discovered on Denius III has allowed us to locate Iconia. We are heading there at maximum warp to prevent its secrets from falling into the hands of the Romulans. Because of the emergency, we have had to delay installing the patches that will fix the most recently announced critical security flaws in our Windows 2365 operating system.

Windows 95 jokes haven't aged as well as some other computer humor...

Picard: Tea, Earl Grey, hot.
(The replicator delivers fruit, exotic, cold)
Wesley: Weird. Have you ever heard of a replicator playing a practical joke like that?
Picard: Only some off-the-record rumours that it once happened on James Kirk's Enterprise.
Wesley: It's too bad those kinds of unconfirmed stories never make it into Starfleet's official textbooks. If they did, history class would be a lot more animated.

Yeah, I heard that Kirk is a Jerk and everything...

La Forge: The first Iconian probe used a software weapon against the Yamato. The probe we destroyed nearly did the same thing to us.
Data: We did, however, become infected by the virus when we downloaded the Yamato's database. It is now rewriting our entire computer network.
Picard: So that would explain the system failures we're experiencing.
Data: Yes, but not the mysterious Aztec objects that have started appearing throughout the ship.

Masks did do this better than here...

Pulaski: How am I supposed to treat all these injured crewmen when my biobeds don't have power and my dermal regenerators are on the blink? I might as well be working in the Middle Ages!
Ogawa: Doctor, I've brought you some stone knives and bearskins I found in the paleontology lab on Deck Five.

I do wonder if they're Terran bears or not.

Troi: The tension level on the Enterprise is very high. I suggest you give everyone something to do while we wait for the Captain.
Riker: Good idea. I'll check the entertainment channel to see if any interesting videos are playing right now.
Troi: Make sure they're rated for family viewing. We don't want the children aboard exposed to gratuitous scenes of half-naked Starfleet officers groping each other.

Yay, Enterprise bashing! That's always entertaining...

Worf: It appears that Commander Data has been infected by the Iconian computer virus.
Picard: So much for the reputed security advantages of Soong-type operating systems.

Ah, Mac vs. PC, that seems so long ago...

Picard: Worf, take Data through the gateway. With luck, you'll both end up back on the Enterprise.
Worf: Suppose we end up going nowhere?
Picard: Then this will be your big chance to get away from it all.

Wrath of Khan, too? Time for another bingo card...

Taris: I suppose you will now add to our humiliation by telling us how to purge the Iconian virus from our computers.
Picard: Yes, and as I bonus I'll even throw in Aunt Adele's remedy for the common cold.

Don't forget the milk toddy to help people sleep!

Memory Alpha

* First appearance of "Tea, Earl Grey, Hot."
* First appearance of Picard's archaeology hobby.
* The actress who played the Romulan Commander here played another one later, assuming that the one here died. Which I think is a bit morbid.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil's also amazed that Pulaski's nurses don't know what a splint is, especially if Picard knew what one was back in "Arsenal of Freedom."
* How can Geordi's turbolift ride end with a horizontal trip if there are no horizontal turbolift shafts on Deck One?
mudshark: Nate's just being...Nate.
Zeke: It comes nateurally to him.

mudshark: I don't expect Nate to make sense, really -- it's just a bad idea.

Sa'ar Chasm on the forum: Sit back, relax, and revel in the insanity.

Adam Savage: I reject your reality and substitute my own!

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Crow T. Robot: Oh, stop pretending there's a plot. Don't cheapen yourself further.
Reply With Quote