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Old 09-08-2006, 09:09 PM
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Tate Tate is offline
Infinitely prolonged
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Folsom, California
Posts: 131

(The TARDIS materializes on an alien planet. The four staffers inside quickly tumble out.)
Sa’ar: That is the last time I ride in one of those things.
IJD: You said it.
Derek: Does anyone know where we are?
IJD: Not a clue. Scooter?
Scooter: Well, this is either where Zeke is or where he was. Or where he will be. Or it could have nothing to do with Zeke at all. I might have been able to tell if someone hadn’t been blocking the navigation screen.
Sa’ar: Hey, don’t blame me. It’s not like there was enough room for me to move out of the way in there.
Scooter: I guess you’re right. I just wish we had something more to go on than ‘an alien planet.’
(Silence, two-wheeled pedestrian vehicle.)
Derek: We could ask that mysterious stranger over there.
Sa’ar: Good idea. Hey, you! What’s your name?
Mysterious Stranger: Didn’t you hear? I’m a Mysterious Stranger.
IJD: Really? Wow! I’m a big fan of yours. I saw one of your fights on Taris.
Stranger: You must be thinking of The Mysterious Stranger. I’m just a Mysterious Stranger.
Scooter: Well, Stranger, can you tell us where we are?
Stranger: No, but I will tell you to leave. Trust me; you don’t want to stay here much longer.
IJD: Oh really…
Stranger: Yep. And you especially don’t want to see what’s over that hill.
(While the cliffhangers are looking at the hill in question, the Mysterious Stranger mysteriously vanishes.)
Sa’ar: Wow, that was mysterious.
Derek: What did you expect? So who wants to see what’s over the hill?
IJD: I do!
Scooter: Race you to the top.
Sa’ar: You’re on.
Derek: Reverse psychology is a powerful thing.
(Upon reaching the top of the hill, the four staffers look around to see what it was that the Mysterious Stranger didn’t want them to see.)
IJD: I think I see something in the shadows there.
Scooter: I can hear something from there too.
Derek: Hmm…sounds like an exterminator.
Sa’ar: Good, there are a lot of insects around here.
IJD: Or maybe it’s an exterminator in the sense that it used to be a terminator.
Sa’ar: Could be. What do you think, Scooter?
Sa’ar: Scooter?
(Derek, IDJ, and Sa’ar turn to look at Scooter, whose face has turned a deadly white.)
IJD: Dalek?
Sa’ar: Uh oh. Aren’t those the cyborgs that wiped out the Time Lords?
Scooter: Yep.
Sa’ar: Drat.
Derek: Maybe we should have trusted that Mysterious Stranger when he said we didn’t want to stay here.
IJD: Sounds like its getting closer.
Sa’ar: And there’s another one over there.
Derek: Pretty limited vocabulary those guys have, isn’t it?
IJD: You’re the Doctor Who expert, Scooter. How do you suggest we deal with these Daleks?
Scooter: Personally, I’d run away, screaming my head off.
Sa’ar: Good idea.
Derek, IJD, Sa’ar, and Scooter: AAAAAAAAAAAAA!
(The four staffers take off running, screaming as load as they can.)
Derek: You know, we could probably run a lot faster if we didn’t scream so much.
Sa’ar: Can’t talk. Too busy running and screaming.
(Eventually, the cliffhangers realize that Daleks have surrounded them. Gradually, the Daleks close in on our heroes.)
Scooter: We’re doomed.
Sa’ar: We’re doomed.
IJD: We are so doomed.
Derek: Maybe we’re doomed. Or maybe…IJD! Hammer!
(IJD hands the Hammer of Smiting to Derek, who swings it at the nearest Dalek. The blow glances off the Dalek, which pauses for a second, then continues as if nothing had happened.)
Derek: Yeah; we’re doomed.
(The Daleks continue to approach our heroes, repeating their deadly mantra. Just when all hope is lost, a robed figure takes a flying leap over the crowd of Daleks, performs several mid-air somersaults, and lands next to the staffers, with an ignited lightsaber in hand. He proceeds to cut the two closest Daleks in half.)
Sa’ar: Is that…
Scooter: It can’t be…
Derek, IJD, Sa’ar, and Scooter: Pointy Haired Jedi?
Pointy Haired Jedi: You guys are so cute when you speak in unison.
(The staffers watch as the Jedi effortlessly dispatches the remaining Daleks.)
Jedi: We have to get out of here before their reinforcements show up. My ship is just over the next hill.
(Our heroes follow the Jedi to his ship. A short while later, they are spaceborne, preparing to jump to hyperspeed.
IJD: There’s something I don’t understand. This is supposed to be a cliffhanger, right? It seems to me that the best time to end the episode was when we were back there on the planet, surrounded by Daleks. So why did you rescue us now, instead of waiting until next episode?
Jedi: Perhaps there’s another cliffhanger coming up. Perhaps you’ll find out that the Daleks were just a phantom menace, and the real danger lies elsewhere. Kind of like in Batman Begins, where you find out just before the climax that the show’s two villains have just been puppets of Ra’s Al Ghul.
IJD: Batman Begins?
Jedi: Yeah. It’s a great movie. Have you ever seen it?
Sa’ar: …wait a minute. You’re not the real Pointy Haired Jedi.
‘Jedi’: Rats. How could you tell?
Derek: Your eyes are the wrong shade.
‘Jedi’: Oops. I’ll have to get colored contacts next time I go undercover. But you’re right. I’m not Pointy Haired Jedi. I’m really Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith.
Scooter: AAAAAAA!
Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith: I see you are properly terrified by my tremendous dark side power.
Scooter: It’s not that. I’m just scared of your name. Will I have to remember that every time I want to say something to you? Can’t I just call you ‘Infamous?’ Or ‘Sith?’ Or maybe ‘DIPHDLS?’
Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith: Silence, Vice Presidential Aide. It’s my name and I like it this way.
Scooter: ‘Vice Presidential Aide?’ That’s the best you could come up with?
Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith: The narrator took all the good ones. Anyway, I feel I should inform you that you are my prisoners, and will be confined at my secret base until I can use you to further my nefarious schemes.
IJD: Do your worst. You can’t frighten us.
Darth Infamous, Pointy Haired Dark Lord of the Sith: Oh, I forgot to mention that cedar trees are extinct on my planet.
Next Time on Cliffhangers…
Our heroes face the wrath of a fully armed and operational battlestation.
IJD: That’s a toaster oven, not a battlestation..
Scooter: I suppose it could still hurt if you put your hand into it.
And the Wing Zero returns to Earth.
Sa’ar: Hey! That doesn’t have anything to do with us at all!
Heero: Deal with it.
“Allow me to show you the door!” (Points) “Look. The door. It’s the wooden thing with the knob.” –Pancho, The Asparagus of La Mancha , VeggieTales

Candace: (gasp) The square root of 'soon' is 'never'!

The Doctor: It was all in the job title: Head of human resources.
Lance: This time, it's personnel.

To God be the glory. ><>
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