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Old 05-26-2010, 03:42 PM
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Arrow Sixth Novel Fiver: First Frontier

Or seventh, if you prefer to count the Very Special . . . er, the non-standard one I did for New Frontier as being part of the standard list.

Next up is probably Incident at Arbuk, and after that maybe The Devil's Heart. (Both of which are good reads, IMO.) I think those two are the nearest to completion, anyhow.

I may seem to be giving this book a hard time, but I really do like it quite a bit despite a few defects. I would definitely recommend reading the novel before the fiver, but then I tend to like Diane Carey's Star Trek work. As always, there are a lot of details of varying size (read: lots more good stuff) that I don't touch on here.

If you haven't read the novel and want to read the fiver anyway, one word of explanation: The Clan Ru are a species of dinosauroids. If you have read the novel and notice a few minor details are off, one word of explanation: The fiver was getting too long, even for a big novel, as it was. (Also, comedic timing.)

First Frontier by Diane Carey and James Kirkland

The Clan Ru rue their attempt to change the past. Bannon learns that dinosaurs and bad exposition don't mix.

Oya: Attack!
Scientists: GAK!
Clan Ru: Lunchtime!
Guardian of Forever: That's kinda sick.
Clan Ru: Nobody asked you. Wheeee—

Scorpion: *JAB*
Kirk: Gak!
McCoy: That's gonna leave a mark. Literally.

Captain's Log: Since surviving the act of skimming along the surface of a huge star requires the utmost skill and concentration from everyone on the ship, I'm gonna go ahead as scheduled with the test of the new shields, even though I keep fainting onto someone every three minutes. After all, I'm getting good at timing it so I fall into a babe's lap, so it can't be that bad, right?

Chekov: Aah! We're under attack from technobabble, Captain!
Spock: We are experiencing an intrarecursive noncausality temporal loop.
Kirk: What?
Chekov: Aah! We're under attack from technobabble, Captain!
Kirk: Oh. Never mind.
Spock: Massive displacement wave heading this way from the direction of the star's core.
Kirk: Get us out of here, Mister Sulu!
Spock: No, that's what the wave expects us to do. We'll be destroyed. Our only chance is to countercharge the wave, incidentally passing straight through the blue giant, and hope that we take it by surprise.
Chekov: Aah! We're under attack from techno—
Kirk: Shut up, Pavel. Mr. Sulu, do what Spock said.

Enterprise: Chaaarge!
Wave: Wha? . . . Nuts, they got away.

Scott: You do realize we just went through a blue giant and survived.
Spock: Actually, I was kidding about that part.
Sulu: Er, you were?
Scott: If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go have a nice quiet nervous breakdown in my quarters.

Uhura: Sir, the radio is working, yet all I can get it to play is static.
McCoy: Nothing else? No Starfleet messages, no jazz, nothing?
Uhura: Well, static and traces of political talk shows, but that's hardly an improvement.
Kirk: True, true.

Huge Romulan Ship: Hello, whoever you are. Die please.
Enterprise: Eep! Sorry, gotta run . . .
Second Huge Romulan Ship: You're not going anywhere, weirdo.
Enterprise: Yes I am.
Second Huge Romulan Ship: Oof! Hey, watch where you’re going, freakish ship we’ve never seen before!

Spock: It's Earth, but not as we know it. I hypothesize that someone was playing around with the timeline while we were running the test near the blue giant, and just happened to drop and bust it at the very moment the experimental shields attracted that ridiculously rare "cosmic string" that was left over from the Big Bang. I did mention that's what almost definitely caused the wave, right?
McCoy: Ooookay, the odds of that kind of timing have got to be way higher than 7,824.7 to 1.
Spock: Actually, the odds are approximately—
Kirk: Never tell me the odds. Hmm, maybe this is a time travel story that's already been done. If we know what it is, then we'll know what to do. Sooo, is Earth covered by square metallic continents?
Spock: No.
Kirk: Nuts, I wanted to upstage that bald dweeb. Is Seattle still there?
Spock: No.
Kirk: So this isn't Ishmael . . .
Spock: We have not traveled through time, Captain. At least, not yet.
Kirk: All right, I give up. Let's have the exposition.
Spock: It appears to be a peopleless Earth.
Kirk: Oh, wonderful job, Mr. Spock. Next time, I'm doing the exposition.

Louise LaCerra: Awww, isn't it cuuute?
Dale Bannon: Yeah, for a nasty little carnivore. Now get away from it.
LaCerra: Oh, stop being so protective. You're the one wearing red.
Bannon: I don't care about your shirt. That animal has wicked claws, forward-facing eyes, blood dripping from a mouth filled with sharp teeth . . .
LaCerra: Uh, are we forgetting who the professional, Starfleet-trained biologist is? That's right, it's me. And as any first-year biology major could tell you, all those features you're trying to demonize indicate that it's herbivorous. It's probably this timeline's version of a bunny rabbit.
This Timeline's Version Of A Bunny Rabbit and its Friends: Did we mention we're color-blind? *pounce*
(lots of gory violence)
LaCerra: GAK!

Kirk: Eww, gross.
Spock: Go for it, Captain.
Kirk: Fine. *ahem* Although Terra lacks Terrans, it clearly still holds its terruhs.

Captain's Log: . . . and then Spock insisted on leaving the planet so that our exposition wouldn't damage it any further. Hmph. Anyway, then we got beat up by more Romulans and were saved only by a couple of kamikaze Klingons. Then we got captured by some Vulcans, who told us that all the other races in the area are non-existent, enslaved, or obliterated. The worst of it is, the only babe in sight has already gotten killed. This has not been my week.
My 5MV webpages My novel fivers list


“There must have been a point in early human history when it was actually advantageous to, when confronted with a difficult task, drop it altogether and go do something more fun, because I do that way too often for it to be anything but instinct.” -- Isto Combs
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