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Pie Wars
Episode IV: Catalina Gets Cheesed Off
Cheesetroopers: POW POW GAK POW POW POW GAK GAK GAK GAK POW GAK POW POW GAK
Brave defenders: POW POW POW GAK POW GAK POW POW GAK POW GAK POW POW—GAK!
Darth Gouda: Sheesh, you lot call yourselves cheesetroopers? It’s-a a Gouda thing-a I came along!
Cheesetroopers: *GROAN*
CD-pIO: Oh, all right, I’m coming with you. *moan* I hope this is a smooth ride. I never should have had that second slice of blueberry pie at lunch…
Audience: …
Rd2-Et2: Silly robot, pie is for organics!
Gunner: Ooo, a moving target! Can I shoot it? Huh? Can I? Can I?
Superior: Does it contain cheese or rebel scum pie?
Gunner: Um, no, I don’t think so…
Superior: Then why bother?
CD-pIO: I can’t figure out how we managed to get captured by these silly little Jabba things, but I’m sure you’re to blame for it!
Jabbas: Actually, we were attracted by the smell of the pie crumbs on your face. Mmm, pie…
CD-pIO: Look, can I help it if we droids are hydrophobics?
Cheesetrooper: Look sir, pie crumbs!
Cheesetrooper captain: Oo.
Cheesetrooper: Saturated with droid oil.
Cheesetrooper captain: Ooo.
Cheesetrooper: Ummm…o-kaaay…
Cheesetrooper captain: Oooo?
Cheesetrooper: Sir, I regret to inform you that whatever weird surgery you must have had performed on your brain has obviously backfired with a vengeance. You’re the most pathetic moron I’ve ever seen.
Cheesetrooper captain: ……Ooooo…
Cheesetrooper: *sigh* Sir, request permission to carry out the procedure as specified by regulations for subordinates who find that their superiors are totally incompetent. Sir.
Cheesetrooper captain: …mm? Ooo, yeh, okie-dokie…..heheheh…
Cheeser: POW
Cheesetrooper captain: GAK!
Cheesetrooper: Now let’s go blow up some innocent locals as we search for a needle in a haystack, men!
Cheesetroopers: Ooo!
catalina Pieslicer: Okay, I’ve got this malfunctioning evaporatinilizinator nearly reprogrammed. But I haven’t the slightest clue what sort of code to use here at the end.
Uncle Open: (from far off) Use the for() loop!
catalina Pieslicer: Also, I refuse to say that silly long word ever again.
Tagge: Pie is more powerful than you people like to think. And cheese isn’t worth all it’s milked for eith—*hack* *gasp* Can’t, *cough* …can’t, breathe…over-powering Limburger *cough* stench…
Darth Gouda: I find your lack of cheesiness disturbing.
catalina Pieslicer: So is there any point to the uppercase and lowercase deal with your names?
CD-pIO: You’re supposed to say the capital letters’ names and pronounce the lowercase letters’ sounds.
catalina Pieslicer: O-kayy…
Rd2-Et2: In other words, we’re license plates. How MbArSEng.
Kira: Do your worst, Gouda. You don’t scare me.
Darth Gouda: It’s-a a Gouda thing we have-a some interrogation tools, then…
Hovering Spherical Droid Thingy: Hi, someone at this address ordered a large extra-stinky Limburger wedge.
Darth Gouda: That would be me.
Kira: Um, is it too late to ask for your second- or third- worst? –AAHHHHHH…!
Rd2-Et2: *szap*
Kira: Help me Only-One. You’re my only hope.
catalina Pieslicer: Hmph. Obviously some spoiled brat desperate for help with her algebra assignment or something. Wipe it.
Kira: We’ll even pay you. With apple pie.
catalina Pieslicer: Pie? Oo! Come to think of it, I do happen to know some algebra…
Rd2-Et2: Er, speaking of which, quick! look over there, rhubarb pie!
catalina Pieslicer: Rhubarb pie? Yuck. Nice try, though.
Rd2-Et2: Erm, and cherry pie!
catalina Pieslicer: Cherry pie? WHERE?
Rd2-Et2: *zzzzip*
catalina Pieslicer: …aw, nuts.
catalina Pieslicer: No, CD, I’m not worried about the Jabbas. But we really don’t want to be found by any of the Tusken Ha—
Tusken Hacker: ROFL!1111 All j00r pi3 ar3 bel0ng to us! w3 haxx0r j00 g00d!1111
catalina Pieslicer: (shrieking) Leetspeak! ACK!
CD-pIO: ACK!
Rd2-Et2: …What? C’mon, this is nothing compared to those old Rd1-Ba3’s. They couldn’t even keep their subjects and predicates straight.
Tusken Hacker: LOL PWNT!11 MMMM TEH PI3 ARE TEH UBER L33T R0XX0R w00t !1111111 LOLOLOL
Rd2-Et2: Okay, now that was bad.
Far-off Voice: …I do…thou dost…he does…she does…you do…it does…we do…
Tusken Hackers: AAAAHAHAAAHHHH HH RUN MENZ ITS TEH LAMER ENGLISH T3ACHARZ COMMIN FOR US 111111111 *zzzipp0rz*
Only-One Pieforme: Heheh, suckers. Aw, they took all the pie with them…
Only-One Pieforme: This was your father’s pie tin. He wanted you to have it. Minus all the dust and dents, of course.
catalina Pieslicer: Ummm, okay…
Only-One Pieforme: Heheh, just kidding. Here, your father’s piesaber.
*shoooooom vvvvooovvvmmm*
catalina Pieslicer: Mmm, blueberry…
CD-pIO: *unhappy gurgle*
Only-One Pieforme: Yes, your father was a mighty Piedi in his time, before Darth Gouda cheesed him. The Slice was with him.
catalina Pieslicer: The Slice? Wuzzat?
Only-One Pieforme: It is the life-force that holds everything in the universe together, like the stitching on a shirt or the crust on a pie. Some call it the Crust, others like Darth Gouda call it the Rind. Stay away from the Cheesy Side of the Slice, catalina, for that way lies madness, hatred, fear, sourness, and stinky cheesiness.
Cheesetroopers: Do you have a license for that pie? We mean, for those droids? Particularly the one with pie on its face?
catalina Pieslicer: I’m gonna go get a license to kill if we don’t stop skipping about through the movie like this…
Only-One Pieforme: This isn’t the pie you’re looking for.
Cheesetroopers: This isn’t the cheese we’re looking for.
catalina Pieslicer: O-kaaay…
Only-One Pieforme: We want to go to Allthepie.
Zeke Sono: It would fit better if you said "Aldapie".
Only-One Pieforme: Yes, but then people might not get it.
Zeke Sono: Whatever. Me and Cheesebacca can take you there.
Only-One Pieforme: Errm…
Zeke Sono: Oh, don’t like "them", eh? Me and Piebacca will take you then.
Only-One Pieforme: You have several large furry sidekicks?
Zeke Sono: No, he changes his name to suit the situation. It’s rather distracting at times.
Alien: I’m wanted for pie-stealing in ten systems.
catalina Pieslicer: I’ll be careful—
Alien: You’ll be depied!
catalina Pieslicer: Eep!
Only-One Pieforme: This little one’s pie isn’t worth it. Let me get you a slice of pumpk—
Alien: GRRAAA—ACK!
catalina Pieslicer: Eep!
Deado: Hey!! I don’t even get a cheesy name?!?!! Why you rotten—
Zeke Sono: That does it. *SMITE*
Deado: GAK!
Johnnyfivebacca: When you gotta go, don’t squeeze the Charmin.
catalina Pieslicer: What a piece of pie! Or actually an entire pie, now that I really look at it…
Zeke Sono: She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts. I’ve added some special fillings myself.
catalina Pieslicer: Even… (whispering) key lime?
Zeke Sono: It’s only illegal if they catch you with it.
catalina Pieslicer: Oooo!
Kira: Big Cheese Briekin, eh? I thought I recognized your cheesy stench as soon as I stepped aboa—
Briekin: (singsong) I’m gonna blow up Allthepie, nyah nyah nyah!
Kira: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—oh, wait, you said "Allthepie"? I thought you said "all the pie". Whew—wait. NNNOOOOOOOOOOO…
Briekin: You will tell me the location of the secret Rebel pie stash.
Kira: Um, no.
Briekin: No fair! It worked for Only-One…
Briekin: Power up and fire the Acme Mighty Super-Duper Ultra Mega Cheesinator Beam of DOOM when ready, gu—
Gunner: Already done, sir.
Briekin: I suppose they really should have given it a shorter name. But next time wait till I finish the sentence at least, all right? It’s much more dramatic that way.
Fischerbacca: And cheesop takes piequeen for mate. Ha!
Rd2-Et2: Except you forgot I can still move pieking to here. Mate in three-point-one-four-one moves! Ha-HA!
Rockybalbacca: Grrrr…
catalina: Ow…ow…OW!…yowch…
Zeke Sono: If you think I’m actually going to scoff at pie here, you’re nuts. Instead, I’m going to go scoff pie in the galley. Mmm, pie…
Only-One Pieforme: I just felt a disturbance in the Crust…as if millions cried out in agony and were simultaneously reduced to cheese-covered atoms.
Zeke Sono: Oh, you Repieblicans always try to pin everything on the Democheeses. Get real.
Millionpie Falcon: ACK! Grrrr…
Anti-PIE Fighter: Eep!
catalina Pieslicer: That’s no moon, it’s a wedge of cheese!
Zeke Sono: I have a cheesy feeling about this…
Gooey cheese beam: Gotcha!
Millionpie Falcon: ACK!
Captain’s Log: Looks like the old man WAS being real. So sue me. Or don’t. Either way, I’m going to go hide in the pie-smuggling compartments now. Not because I’m afraid of the cheesetroopers, mind you, but sometimes Sloppybacca leaves a few cherries stuck to the wall inside and I’m kinda hungry right now…
Cheesetrooper: (standing outside Falcon) …Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of cheese; come out, come out, wherever you are; your pieness will be assimilated into our own cheesiness and destroyed, resistance is fupie—er, I mean, uncheesy…
Cheesetroopers: Zzzzz…
Silentbacca: *sneak sneak sneak sneak* *whap*
Cheesetroopers: GAK!
Only-One Pieforme: Okay, I go disable the gooey cheese beam things while you lot avoid getting captured.
catalina Pieslicer: Can we go save Kira from death while you’re at it? Huh? Huh? Can we?
Only-One: Eh, whatever floats your pie pan.
Zeke Sono: Hold on. Nobody said anything about rescuing some Bajoran.
catalina: She’s got pie. Lots of it!
Zeke Sono: Mmmm!
Zeke Sono: Why did I ever agree to this? Up against dozens of trained, hardened, ruthless cheesetroopers? We’re gonna be melty smoked cheese within ten seconds flat…
Elevator: Ding!
Redshirt Cheesetroopers: Hello.
Zeke Sono: Ooo.
Suspicious Coordinator Type: Hello? Hello? Anyone up there?
Zeke Sono: No need to panic, everything’s peachy-pie up here…
Suspicious Coordinator Type: Buh?
Zeke Sono: Hmm? Oh, er, I mean cheesy, heh heh…aw, nuts.
Kira: You’re awfully uncheesy for a cheesetrooper.
catalina: Oh, right. *ahem* My name is catalina Pieslicer, and I’ve come to sa—
Kira: "Pie"? Mmm…
Kira: Down the mold disposal chute we go, wheee…
catalina: Ewww, it stinks of rotting cheese in here—AAH!
Monster: Mmm, cheesy—wait, this is distinctly pieish. Eww. *ptooie*
Kira: Should I be disturbed by the fact that two of the walls have huge razor-sharp corrugations? And that we can’t open the door?
Walls: ………*rrrrrRUMBle*……
Zeke Sono: Nahh. Some people just have very strange taste in décor.
Walls: Ahem! *rrRRRUMMMBLE*
Darth Gouda: Only-One Pieforme must be aboard this station. The last time I felt this disturbance in the Rind was in the presence of my master, many years ago. I must seek him out and cheese him.
Briekin: Shall I order the cheesetroopers to be on the lookout for him?
Darth Gouda: No, no, that would make it too easy for me. The last time I saw him he was wearing a brown robe, and not many cheesetroopers wear brown robes.
Briekin: I thought you hadn’t seen him for many years. Surely he’s changed wardrobe by now.
Darth Gouda: Yes, well, Only-One was never particularly adept at keeping up with fashion.
catalina: Great, we escaped from the Cheese Garbage Grater of DOOM only to be trapped on a platform overlooking the deepest pit in the galaxy with no way to get acr—wait, there’s an actual walkway here? That’s odd…
Kira: It does have a lot of rather large circular holes in it. I guess no one ever told them the Swiss aren’t exactly known for aggressiveness in war.
(Kira starts to step carefully onto the cheesy walkway, then stops and apprehensively looks first at catalina and then around her in general. catalina notices the preoccupation and is puzzled for a moment, then catches on.)
catalina: Don’t even think about it.
Kira: Whew…
Darth Gouda: When I left you, I was but the student, now I am the master.
Only-One: Only a master of cheesiness, Darth.
Darth Gouda: Your pie is-a weak, old-a man. My cheese-a, on the other hand-a, is—
Only-One: "Gouda", yes yes we know, get on with it. –I can’t believe you still have that old Edam cheesesaber. Red went out of style long ago…
Darth Gouda: Pfft, look at you! You’re STILL wearing the same brown robe you wore years ago.
Zeke Sono: What kept you two?
Kira: We ran into some old cheese.
Only-One: You can’t win, Darth. If you cheese me I shall become more pie-full than you can possibly imagine—GAK!
Darth Gouda: Buh?
Only-One’s Ghost: Mmm, pie. *hic*
Darth Gouda: Wahh, no fair!
Pie cannons: POW POW POW POW POW POW…
Anti-PIE fighters: GAK GAK…
Zeke Sono: See? Easy as pie. C’mon catalina, hit ‘em. We’ve got to scoot before that Death Cheese catches up and makes mincepie out of us.
Anti-PIE fighter: Chaarrrrrge! POW POW POW
catalina: Eep! Too scared to think, can’t move a muscle…got ‘em right in my sights…but…can’t…pull…trigger…
Griggbacca: Shoot, catalina! SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!
catalina: Meh, whatever.
Anti-PIE fighters: GAK GAK…
Zeke: Look, I ain’t in this for your revolution, and I’m not in it for you, Pie-cess. I expect to be well paid. I’m in it for the pie!
Kira: If pie is all you love, then that’s what you’ll receive!
Pie: Splat!
Zeke: Mmm, banana cream…
Zeke: …I dunno, she does have a lot of pie. What do you think? A pie-cess and a guy like me…?
catalina: I doubt it. It isn’t as if a pie-cess and a pie-ratical type have ever gotten together before. …What?
catalina: Ooo, the Secret Rebel Pie Base! Yay!
Kira: Boo. They must have tracked us here.
Zeke: Nonsense. What gave you that idea?
Kira: Didn’t you notice how we were leaving a trail of cheese crumbs behind us through hypiespace?
Zeke: Well, yeah. I just figured Sloppybacca had gotten into the ricotta again…
Dodonna: You must maneuver straight down this Swiss tunnel and shoot this pie-sized target at the end…
catalina: Eh, no big deal. I did that all the time back home, cheesing pie rats who’d stolen a pie and were running back to their hole so they could eat and laugh at us. Minus the Swiss tunnels, of course.
Wedge O’Cherry: Heh, but you didn’t have any rats trying to cheese you, now did you?
catalina: Well, there was this one time they set up a trap with one rat each side of a doorway holding a long rubbery strand of cheese between the two of them…
Dodonna: …The target is an exhaust port set up to release excess gases and bits of cheese from the fermenting cheese mold that powers the reactor that powers the Death Cheese that powers the house that Jack bui—er, sorry, got carried away. It’s shielded against pie but not against cheese, because that would make it pointless. So you’ll have to use cheeseton torpedoes instead of pieton torpedoes, even though "pieton" fits so much better.
Biggslice: Why not just use our cheesers?
Dodonna: You may be able to fight fire with fire, but trying to destroy what is essentially a humongous cheese using little bits of cheese is just, well, cheesy. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go resign out of shame for not having a properly pie-able name.
Zeke: May the pie be with you, catalina. And before you say anything, don’t bother—I already have it with me. Mmmm-mmm, rewards are delicious…
Lots of anti-PIE fighters: GAK!
Cherry, Banana Cream, Apple, and most of Blueberry squadrons: GAK!
catalina: eep!
Gunner: Sir, the rebel pie stash is within targeting range.
Briekin: Oooo. *ahem* Power up and fire the Acme Mighty Super-Duper Ultra…
Millionpie Falcon: POW POW
Anti-PIE fighters: GAK! Done in by pieton torps, how embarrassing…
Darth Gouda’s Anti-PIE fighter: *slips on banana cream filling* Whoops!
Briekin: …Mega Cheesinator Beam of DOOM…
Only-One’s Ghost: Trust your pie-ishness, catalina!
catalina: All right, all right.
Ships: *zzzzzzip!*
Briekin: …when ready, gunner. Note the period, by the way.
Gunner: Gotcha. Powe—
Cheeseton torpedo: Nope! I got YOU!
Death Cheese: Aw, nuts. GAK!
catalina: Ooo, shiny!
Zeke: Um, riiight…
Kira: Right, here you go, one Victorian Piecross for each.
Zeke: Oo, shiny. –What?
Darth Gouda: Waahhh! All that love-a-ly cheese-a, all-a gone! This is-a no Gouda!
Only-One’s Ghost: You just had to get that in one last time, didn’t you?
Darth Gouda: Who said that?
Only-One’s Ghost: Heheh, sucker. This is gonna be lots of fun in the sequel…
THE PIE ADVENTURE IS JUST BEGINNI—bah, that’s too cheesy…
THE END
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