[Wowbagger]

I wrote these... oh, years ago, now. Very little editing, but I have fivers for the first seven episodes of Atlantis. I tried getting them published, but Zeke and I have email issues, and, frankly, I think he realized they sucked and was tactfully attempting to lose them.

But I don't care anymore! There are no recent updates to the sites, these fivers are just collecting dust, and I had a hard day today. I hope you don't mind the 5MSG forum clutter.

So here's your first. Even if unrefined, I hope it's worth a laugh or two at times.


Five-Minute “Rising”
By Wowbagger

Several Million Years Ago:
Woman: You ever wonder why we’re here?
Man: It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it? I mean, why are we here? Are we--?
Woman: Shut up. It was rhetorical.

Beckett: I am so afraid of this chair.
Weir: Great. We were just having problems coming up with B-plots. I’ll sign you up on chair duty for... how’s the rest of the season sound?

Daniel Jackson: Cameo! I can’t go with you because I have that whole bit with the Replicators this season, but take a look at this eight-cypher Gate Key.
Weir: I count nine.
Jackson: McKay! I told you to stop drawing in the Canadian flag and labeling it “The Ultimate Cypher!”

Meta-Wier: Hey, look! Our new opening credits. What’s with the helicopter?
Meta-McKay: They’re not showing the aising-ray of tlantis-Ay in order to keep it a surprise.
Meta-Weir: What? We get to raise Atlantis?
Meta-McKay: *sigh*

Beckett: So, uh... just what will I be controlling from the chair?
McKay: The most powerful weapons in the galaxy. Try not to focus on it too much.
Beckett: Okay. Instead, I’ll imagine somthing nice and safe. I’m flying!
(explosions are heard as the weapon starts flying)

O’Neill: *sigh* Any idea what the forty-seventh thing to try to kill me this week is? Looks a bit like an Ancient drone.
Sheppard: No, it’s too small. I wonder what—Holy crap, that thing’s an AIBO! MOVE!

McKay: Now would be a good time to turn the chair off.
Beckett: Hang on. I’m going to wait until I can get within about one foot of killing the star from the other show.
McKay: Good to hear we’re making some lasting relationships with the SG-1 crew.

Sheppard: AHHHHHHHH!
Aibo #1: Bark! Bark! Bark! GAK!
O’Neill: Curmudge, curmudge, curmudge.
Sheppard: I find it foreboding how that Aibo is numbered.

McKay: All we need is your most powerful device, and we’ll be sure to bring you back some nifty pictures of Ancients and stuff.
O’Neill: Not gonna do it.
Weir: What if we promise to come back with a large army of extremely powerful aliens close behind us?
O’Neill: Oh, well then. Have fun.

Beckett: Hey! Major, you turned on the chair!
O’Neill: Dang. I always liked being the only one on the SGC who could run this Ancient stuff. *thinks* Say... how would you like to be marooned in a whole ‘nother galaxy...?

Weir: Okay, equipment checklist! Bad attitudes!
Sheppard and Ford: Check.
Weir: Obnoxious yet adorable scientific team!
McKay and Beckett: Check.
Weir: Technobabble generators, plot diversion fields, forty-seven cases of pie!
Sumner: Check.
Weir: Enough power to get us home!
Luggage Guy: Here’s the last of your pie, sir. You going to tip me with cash?
Sumner: Cheque.
Weir: Okay, I’d say we’re good to go!

Sumner: We seem to be underwater.
Weir: Why would Atlantis be underwater? I’m stunned.

Station Commander’s Log: Am I allowed to make these?

Hologram: If anyone ever comes back here be sure not to use the fridge. I think I left a few salads in there. Also, be sure to feed the Aib--er... dogs, and trash collection is on Thursdays.
McKay: Noooo! Power loss! *slide tackles Beckett*

McKay: We’re all gonna die without a Zed PM in, like, a day.
Sheppard: Canadian lies! We all know that Milo saved Atlantis from the Russians. Power was never a problem.
(awkward silence)
Weir: ...Major, this isn’t the Disney movie.
Sheppard: Sure it isn’t. Look, there’s Milo now.
Zelenka: Why are you pointing at me?

Sheppard: Hi. We’re here to chat. I’ll be doing most of the talking, because, as it turns out, Colonel Sumner’s first name is Cavit.
Teyla: Sweet. You have any catsuit babes over there on Atlantis?
Sheppard: Unless you count Dr. Weir...
Ford: Ahhh! *tries to tear eyes out*
Sheppard: I’ll take that as a no, then... What did you say you wanted for a starting salary?

Station Commander’s Log: Oh, right, the log recorder is out of power. I’m just talking to this wall. Which may be a sign of insanity.
This Wall: Ya think?

Teyla: Here we are in the old hiding place. Flirt with me shamelessly.
Sheppard: Okay. You like college football?
Teyla: What are you talking about?
Sheppard: Just breaking the ice, you know?
Teyla: “Breaking the Ice?” From Season One! Gods above, Major, doesn’t your society have any perception of the unspeakable?!
Wraith: Who dares discuss cheap imitations of mediocre episodes like “Terra Nova?”
Sheppard: Well, I see our galaxies share a common hatred of Bermaga, at least.
Wraith: And for creating that monster, we will punish all humanity, everywhere! Die!
Sheppard: I don’t suppose we can agree that Manny Coto’s a really cool guy?


TO BE CONTINUED...