[Nate the Great]

December 8th, 1967, "The Deadly Years"

I suppose we need a category by now of "episodes that ignore all scientific logic in the name of a character piece" designation, but I'm not going to create one. This episode is just bad...

The fiver (by Derek)
Memory Alpha
Transcript

The Episode

SPOCK: The annual check of every scientific expedition is routine.
KIRK: I had a subspace contact with a Robert Johnson, the leader of this expedition, an hour ago.
MCCOY: Did he report anything wrong?
KIRK: No, yet there was something wrong. I can't pin it down. His conversation was disjointed, his thoughts a little foggy, unrelated.

Until that conversation this seemed to be the sort of thing any Starfleet ship could handle. Why is the Enterprise here? And the Enterprise was already on the way before anything seemed odd. Once again they seem to be implying that routine civilian traffic between colonies just does not happen. Ugh.

Captain's log, stardate 3478.2. On a routine mission to re-supply the experimental colony at Gamma Hydra Four, we discovered a most unusual phenomenon. Of the six members of the colony, none of whom were over thirty, we found four had died and two were dying of old age.

This might be a record, folks! The entire "colony" is six people! That ain't a colony, folks, that's a scientific or tactical outpost. You just can't leave six people by themselves for a year on a barren planet and expect them to still be sane when you get back to them!

STOCKER: Facilities at Starbase Ten are much more complete than those on board ship. It seems to me that your investigations would be facilitated if we proceeded there.

An odd statement. The Enterprise is the flagship, the best sensors and scientists are here, right? Whatever this phenomenon is that's aging people is also here. Unless the Enterprise discovers a water sample or something that would require long-term study, shouldn't it stay in the area?

MCCOY: (to Spock) You're perfectly healthy.
SPOCK: (sitting up) I must differ with you, Doctor. I'm having difficulty concentrating, which is most disturbing, my eye sight appears to be failing, and the normal temperature of the ship seems to me to be increasingly cold.
MCCOY: I did not say you weren't affected, Mister Spock. You are perfectly healthy, that is, for any normal Vulcan on the high side of a hundred.

Later examples of aged Vulcans would seem to dispute this, but I suppose they hadn't decided yet just how long Vulcans live yet.

WALLACE: A few years ago on Aldebaran Three, my husband and I tried various carbohydrate compounds to slow down the degeneration of plant life.

That's not how plants work. They don't "eat" carbohydrates, they turn their nutrients into carbohydrates. That's the point of plants. Furthermore, the number of plants that can productively be used by man without being killed first is rather limited, I question the ultimate goal of these experiments.

CHEKOV: Give us some more blood, Chekov. The needle won't hurt, Chekov. Take off your shirt, Chekov. Roll over, Chekov. Breathe deeply, Chekov. Blood sample, Chekov. Marrow sample, Chekov. Skin sample, Chekov. If I live long enough, I'm going to run out of samples.
SULU: You'll live.
CHEKOV: Oh, yes. I'll live, but I won't enjoy it.

Thank you Pavel, we needed some levity.

MCCOY: I'm not a magician, Spock, just an old country doctor.

Nice double punchline, Bones.

STOCKER: Mister Spock, a starship can function with a Chief Engineer, a Chief Medical Officer, even a First Officer under physical par. But it's disastrous to have a commanding officer whose condition is any less than perfection.

Oh boy...the debates we could have on this one. Sufficed to say, I'll take Kirk in the captain's seat with a barely stitched-up assassin's dagger wound in his back...

Captain America: I got that reference!

...than any ten of these starbase stuffed shirts. I wonder if anyone ever tallied up the number of times a pompous planet or station-based officer tried to take command of the ship (in any series) with disastrous results.

STOCKER: Well, since the senior officers are incapable and I am of flag rank, I am forced by regulations to assume command.
SPOCK: Sir, you have never commanded a starship.
STOCKER: What would you have, a junior officer with far less experience than I have?

How long has Stocker even served aboard a starship? Couldn't Sulu take command?

STOCKER: Keep trying to raise the Romulans.
UHURA: I'm trying, Commodore.
STOCKER: If I could talk to them, explain to them why we violated the Neutral Zone.
UHURA: The Romulans are notorious for not listening to explanations.
SULU: Lieutenant Uhura is right, sir. We've tangled with them before.

Since when did our crew have to be in the Neutral Zone to talk to a Romulan ship? Surely both sides would've designated a few places on each side of the zone that a ship can go to if they want to talk, places that the other side would routinely scan.

WALLACE: The ageing process has stopped. His bodily functions are getting stronger.

But has it reversed? You need to clarify.

The Fiver

Kirk: Hey! That's not right. When I beam down to a planet, I expect a parade, a banquet, a piñata shaped like an Andorian's head, and a love interest!

Why an Andorian's head, specifically? Wouldn't a Klingon's head be more appropriate?

Chekov: I will not be a Tasha Yar...I will not be a Tasha Yar...I will NOT be a Tasha Y--AAAAH!
Kirk: Alas, poor Chekov. We hardly knew him.
McCoy: Hey, he's still alive!
Kirk: That's strange. Let's check it out.

A bit too meta. Now if you'd referenced poor Kelso from "Where No Man Has Gone Before"...

McCoy: This guy died from an overdose of old-age makeup.

Now there's irony for ya!

Kirk: So if I don't get a love interest from the planet, where is she coming from?
Wallace: From the ship. I'm apparently a passenger of some sort for some reason.
Kirk: You're not played by Diana Muldaur!
Wallace: Should I have been?
Kirk: After watching "Unnatural Selection," it would have been strangely ironic.

The meta-level is rising, Cap'n! She's gonna blow!

Captain's Log: Spock, McCoy, Scotty, a no-name blueshirt and I are all getting older and older. We still have no idea why we look nothing like we do in the movies.

Because "subtlety" is rarely seen in Star Trek?

Spock: Sigh. And since the Captain, myself, and Mr. Scott are all affected, that leaves Commodore Stocker in charge, though I don't really know why.

Me neither, Sulu should take command!

Kirk: Here I come to save the day!
Romulans: Run away! Run away!

A Mighty Mouse joke next to a Monty Python joke. You don't see those every day...

Memory Alpha

* This episode states that Gamma Hydra is near the Romulan Neutral Zone. And yet the Kobayashi Maru scenario states that it is near the Klingon Neutral Zone.