[Marc]

Stone: Computer, start recording. We are here to determine whether or not to proceed with a court martial of Captain James T. Kirk--
Kirk: I swear, I did not have sexual relations with that woman!

Spock: I hypothesize that Vulcans do not speculate.

McCoy: I'm a cognitive theorist, not a neo-Freudian psychoanalyst!

Kirk: Do it. Now then, Dr. McCoy will use this doohickometer to make the computer disregard each of our heartbeats.
Stone: How does that work?
McCoy: It stops your heart from beating.

Kirk: Hey Spock, did this planet have a North and South pole?
Spock: Of course, Captain.
Kirk: Because it really is bipolar! HahahahahaOW!

Lawgivers: You have disobeyed Landru. You will be absorbed into the Body.
Kirk: Oo. Sounds kinky.
Lawgivers: It is not.
Kirk: Dang. Well, in that case, we refuse.

Kirk: That's right, so I'm relieving you of your command and putting someone else in charge who can actually follow orders. Lieutenant Uhura?
Uhura: Yes, Captain?
Kirk: Find the highest ranking man still on the ship and have him take over.

Kirk: I don't understand -- it's like talking to a wall.
Spock: It is a projection, Captain. You are talking to a wall.
Kirk: Oh. In that case....
(BLAM!)
Kirk: That'll teach the wall to ignore me.

LOL!

Kirk sometimes seems to parody himself in the original episodes, which makes it even funnier when he appears in a fiver.