A collection of Star Trek-related stories from Not Always Right:
You Will Be Medicated
(I’m a regular patient at a particular clinic due to a lasting disease. I’m going into a procedure that requires anesthesia; the anesthesiologist is asking me several questions.)
Anesthesiologist: “…and last, are you familiar with
Star Trek?”
Me: “Yes, I am.”
Anesthesiologist: “The gas we’re about to give you is similar to the Borg. Resistance is Futile!”
(They proceed to put the mask on me. I show the Vulcan salute. And as I’m drifting off, he salutes back.)
Anesthesiologist: “Live long and prosper.”
(I was glad to have been taken care of by a fellow geek!)
Working Your Way Up To The Bridge
(It’s my first week on the job, and I’m talking to a few of my coworkers, trying to build some sort of friendship.)
Me: “Oh, do you watch
Star Trek?”
Coworker #1: “Oh goodness, not another one.”
Coworker #2: *shaking her head* “You’ll get along with [manager], then.”
(Just at that moment, [manager] leaves for lunch. Before he leaves, he turns to the assistant manager.)
Manager: “Number one, you have the bridge.”
Assistant Manager: “Aye, captain.”
(I can’t stop laughing, while my other coworkers shake their heads. Later on, I need to ask my manager a question about my work.)
Me: “…so, [manager], I believe that’s the correct course of action.”
Manager: “Make it so.”
(I try to stifle my laughter, as I see my coworkers shaking their heads even more. Needless to say, my manager and I have become the best of friends!)
Aimless Assimilating
(This happened when the ‘Star Trek Experience’ was open in Vegas. One of the gimmicks were they had actors dressed as the franchise’s iconic aliens walking around the hotel.)
Me: “Excuse me; my son is asking for a picture with the Borg drones that were in the lobby earlier. Do you know where they went?”
Receptionist: “Hmm, if they aren’t on the floor then they’re probably participating on one of the rides.”
Me: “Well do you know when they’ll be back? I mean are they on a rotation to come out, or do they just walk around aimlessly whenever they aren’t needed?”
(The receptionist gives me a funny look.)
Receptionist: “Sir, they’re the Borg. Walking around aimlessly is kind of what they’re known for.”
(I stare blankly for a moment.)
Receptionist: “Sorry, I just couldn’t let that one slip.”
Me: “No, no that was actually pretty good.”
(We eventually did manage to snag the drones after they reappeared, and specifically asked the receptionist to join us in the photo.)
Boldly Going Into Employment
(We just hired on a bunch of new people. The kid I am training has never had a job before and is a bit nervous, so we chat a little.)
Coworker: “You do everything so fast! But, I guess you’ve been doing it for a while.”
Me: “Yes, long enough that the managers are comfortable with me training new people.”
Coworker: “So why don’t you have a red shirt like the other crew trainers?”
Me: “Oh, there was a little part of my certification that I didn’t complete in time so I was not officially promoted to a crew trainer. However, I still make the same amount as them and I still train people. The only difference is the red shirt.”
Coworker: “I think it was a good idea to pass up on the red shirt.”
Me: “Was that a vague Star Trek reference?”
Coworker: “Yes! I think I’m going to like it here…”
A Long But Prosperous Day
(I have been summoned for jury duty and am going through the courthouse security checkpoint. As requested, I empty my pockets of all metallic objects, including my keys, before passing through the walk-through metal detector. When the guard sees my keychain he does a double take with a quizzical look on his face.)
Me: “Oh, that strange-looking item is my keychain. It’s just a small electronic toy that resembles one of those communicators from the original
Star Trek series. I’m not sure if you’ve ever watched it, but I assure you, this keychain is definitely not harmful.”
(Anxious to prove that the keychain wasn’t in fact a concealed weapon of some sort, I demonstrated to the guard that it just flipped open and made chirping noises that sounded just like the communicators from the show. As the guard observed this, his expression became overly serious, which worried me.)
Guard: “Here. I need to examine it more closely.”
(He motions for me to hand it over to him. After I comply, he flips it open and holds it up as though he is about to speak through it.)
Guard: “This is Captain James T. Kirk. Beam me up, Scotty!”
(Needless to say, I had worried for nothing! Furthermore, this put a big grin on my face and brightened up what was otherwise a long, dreary day in the jury room.)
Hopefully The Next Supply Will Live Long And Prosper
(I work in the deli section of my store. Lately we have been having trouble getting supplies in stock.)
Me: “Where are all the trash bags?”
Coworker: “We don’t have any.”
Me: “Are you serious? Again?!”
Coworker: “Yup.”
Me: “I’m going to head over to bakery and see if they have any.”
Coworker: “Not gonna work.”
Me: “Why not?”
Coworker: “[Baker] is working today. You know how he is. He never helps anybody out.”
Me: “I know how to handle him. Trust me.”
(The baker who’s working today happens to be a huge ‘Star Trek’ fan. I head over to the bakery and don’t see him as I proceed to grab a few trash bags, but then he shows up as I’m about to leave.)
Baker: “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “Getting bags.”
Baker: “No, you’re not. Put them back.”
Me: “We have zero bags at the deli.”
Baker: “Well, I have almost zero bags here. I can’t let you have any.”
Me: *deadpan, holding up a Vulcan salute* “It is only logical. The needs of the deli outweigh the needs of the few.”
(A few seconds pass.)
Baker: “HA HA! All right, all right. Take your stinkin’ bags.”
(I can still hear him cracking up as I walk away.)