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Old 08-11-2010, 03:26 PM
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Picard: And now, to answer the question of what the works of an evilly goateed Shakespeare would read like.
Cassius: After we kill Caesar, I think we should cut him up, and mangle him, and eat his entrails, and then we should kill Anthony, and—
Brutus: Okay, but first me want demand Anthony tell truth about government coverup of alien visitations to Stonehenge.
Then kill him.
Picard: Well, something's off, but I can't put my finger on it . . .*

Picard: Fly, my little pretties! Fly!
Nanites: Don't worry, we'll disable this ship just in the nick of time to prevent your own ship being invaded.

Mirror La Forge: Wanna get kinky, baby? Ow! What the — Zzzzzzz . . .
Troi: Sucker.

ISS Enterprise: Blech, my stomach doesn't feel so good. And my foot has fallen asleep. And I've got a terrible headache, and I'm going blind and deaf . . . or I would be, if I had any of those body parts . . .
Picard: *ahem* La Forge, repair the computers immediately and definitely do not use this crisis as an excuse to download the data we need to get ourselves home. Hint, hint.
La Forge: (over the comm) Er, if you say so, Captain. I just hope you know what you're doing.
Mirror Riker: Heheh, he sure got the message!
Picard: Actually, I don't think he did. Excuse me for a moment while I explain things to him in private.

Mirror Crusher: I've heard about you and that blonde hussy! I'll hit her even harder if you ever mess around with her again! You're all mine, d'you hear me? Mine!
Picard: So the mail from the 'shippers constantly reminds me.
Mirror Crusher: By the way, you totally killed Jack on purpose.
Picard: Great. All we need for this to be a soap opera is a bunch of Evil Twins. Oh, right, never mind.

Mirror Computer: Mirror Spock did his best, but he didn't succeed in his Kirk-given mission. He was eventually arrested and killed by order of Empress Hoshi VIII.
Picard: He tried so hard, but he went too far. And in the end, it hardly even mattered.
Mirror Troi: *enters* Good news, Captain. Starfleet just approved the death penalty for anyone alluding to Linkin Park! Also, make out with me.
Picard: Eep!
Mirror Troi: GASP! How dare you refuse me? Anyway, gotta go. Your Chief Engineer is due to be discovered for the fraud he is.
Picard: Make sure you put him in the Agony Booth. I've got five credits riding on it.

Mirror Troi: Torturing people is fun. *brain poke*
La Forge: *groans*
Mirror Troi: What's that? Timmy fell down the well? Oh, the Captain is a fake. That must be why he refused my advances!

Picard and Mirror Picard: Die! Die! Die die die . . .
Mirror Troi: Now, now. Perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything. *points* Guards, seize the fake Picard.
Picard: Not me, you idiot, him!
Mirror Troi: As if I care.

Mirror Troi: *brain poke*
Troi: *brain stab!*
Mirror Troi: ACK!

Picard: Here we are, back on our own ship at last. Let's get out of here and back to our own universe. Quickly!
Riker: Yes, before the other Enterprise catches up with us and destroys us.
Picard: Never mind that ship. I'm going to miss Wheel of Fortune if we don't hurry!

Mirror Universe: Ah-choo!

USS Enterprise: Whew, glad that's over with.
Universe: oohc-hA!
ISS Enterprise: Hi.

Picard: That ship is jamming subspace and incidentally trying to blow us to bits. How do we get rid of it in time for me to get my game show fix?
Hwii: (over the comm) We'll let it blow us almost to bits. When we get our Limit Break, we'll bounce the enemy ship off a brown dwarf and back into its own universe.
Picard: Heh. I expected you to suggest ramming it as if it were a shark.
Hwii: Oh, I'm sure you'd never ram your ship into anything on porpoise.

Picard: Well, that worked. Now I'm off to watch—
Riker: —our little production? Audience participation guaranteed or your money back!
Picard: You're just trying to recoup your losses because everyone bet on Geordi, aren't you.
Riker: Am I that obvious?

(The Enterprise sails away at Ludicrous Speed.)


* (See for explanation.)

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Pocket Books and Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I'm just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind. I also don't think Zeke minds me ripping off his disclaimers, but I could be wrong.
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“There must have been a point in early human history when it was actually advantageous to, when confronted with a difficult task, drop it altogether and go do something more fun, because I do that way too often for it to be anything but instinct.” -- Isto Combs
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