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Old 10-16-2007, 03:18 AM
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Nate the Great Nate the Great is offline
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So here's my dicer for Manhunt.

Part One: The Original Draft

Captain's Log: Today we get to escort two giant frozen fish-sticks to a peace conference. And I thought that grocery stores didn't deliver anymore....

The hyphen in fishstick confuses me, even though I put it there. Today I'd have stuck with the much simpler "two giant fishsticks." The "frozen" is implied.

Pulaski: The Antedean delegates are fine, sir.
Picard: Excellent.
Wesley: Why can't we just replicate some fish for them?
Picard: Apparently they think that replicated fish tastes too "fishy," somehow.

Ugh, that's lame. Replicated fish tasting too fishy. I could claim some sort of two-level joke, with the second layer playing on the use of "fishy" to mean "suspicious," but I'm not sure I was that clever back then.

Worf: We're being hailed, sir.
Pilot: Help me! I've been trapped in a small shuttle with an insane woman for three days!
Lwaxana: Hi there! I'm here to make the episode interesting!
Riker: Is that a good thing?
Troi: Better than talking to fishsticks all day.
Riker: That's debatable.

I love the pilot's exasperation, but once again, I fell victim to the fault of making fun of the plot and/or the fiving process to attempt to create a joke. I think Riker's dialogue is great, though.

Lwaxana: Please carry my luggage, Jean-Luc.
Riker: I'll do it.
Picard: Why?
Riker: I've sworn to protect you, and that thing is so heavy that it set off the mass-overload alarm on this panel.

Nice joke, but I took too long getting to the punchline.

Lwaxana: Don't forget about the ambassadorial dinner tonight, Jean-Luc.
Picard: So I have to wear my dress uniform three different times in one day, plus I get to have dinner with you? This must be my lucky day.
Lwaxana: I'm sensing sarcasm, Captain.
Picard: I'm sure that it's the pain from Riker's arms about to fall off that's distracting you.

Here I work in the ever-useful gag of a Betazoid stating the obvious, plus the classic sarcastic lucky day puchline. Hey, don't replace what ain't broke.

Wesley: She said that the Captain had great legs?
Riker: That wasn't in this fiver.
Wesley: I read the Director's Cut, not the theatrical release.
Data: Impressive.

I love the sheer presumption of the Director's Cut. In my opinion, over ninety percent of films should be the "director's cut" when it's released in the first place. Studios should trust the director's vision, or else get a director they can trust. I distinctly remember the commentary for an old movie, where the head of the studio told the director in essence, "here's the plot I want you to film. You have X dollars to do it and I want it out on date Y. Good luck," and the director would go and make the movie. Hence the theatrical release WAS the director's cut.

Picard: Are you coming to dinner with the other officers, Doctor?
Pulaski: I'm not a bridge officer.
Picard: Sorry, I keep forgetting about that.
Pulaski: Actually the writer of the original script did.

Actually, I don't know if the original writer did or not, but it was an obvious joke. Then again, I kinda got the feeling that even though Pulaski was a senior officer, she wasn't a bridge officer. Remember that you have to pass a test to advance to Commander as a doctor. Pulaski might've never taken the test that Troi later did.

Picard: I brought a bottle of ale for Ambassador Troi.
Homn: (Nod).
Picard: You're going to drink that, aren't you?
Homn: (Nod).
Picard: I can't exactly say that I blame you, given
your job.
Homn: (Nod).

I love Homn's character. He's so awesome. Hey, when a guy can only say one line in canon Trek and one in a novel and still be memorable, he's got style. All I know is that if I worked for Lwaxana Troi, Daughter of the Fifth House, Holder of the Sacred Chalice of Rixx, and Heir to the Holy Rings of Betazed, I'D have a drinking problem.

Pulaski: So the Captain is having dinner with your mother, and this is a bad thing?
Troi: Yes.
Pulaski: Why?
Troi: Because it's creepy!
Pulaski: Ah.

Okay, this one crossed the barrier into uncharacteristic behavior. Then again, maybe not. Troi does sound a little whiny, but that was probably my intention.

Lwaxana: I like Earth men.
Picard: That's great.
Lwaxana: I want you to--
Picard: Sorry, but we're running out of time and we
have to move on to the next scene. Picard to Data.
Data: Aye, sir.

Ugh! There I go again, using the fiving process make a gag so I could skip scenes! I was SUCH a nevist!

Data: So, to sum up, I'm the most boring guy in existence.
Picard: Thank you, Mr. Data. My my, look at the time!
Data: How does one look at a nonphysical quantity?
Picard: We only have five minutes to tell the story, Data.
Data: For that matter, how does one own a...

I know that Data is literal, but perhaps I overdid his naivete a little too much here.

Picard: Your mother is a lousy telepath.
Troi: Hey, just because she's hitting on you, it doesn't mean that she's crazy!
Riker: Isn't that the opposite of the point that you made a few scenes ago?
Troi: How did you know about that?
Riker: Wesley loaned me his copy of the Director's Cut.

I don't even know if the point is opposite or not, but it won't be the first or the last time a fivist has retconned previous scenes to make a joke. Besides, anytime I can reuse prior gags is good. I got that from Schoolhouse Rock, amongst other places.

Picard: Computer, activate Dixon Hill program.
Computer: I need more information.
Picard: I don't want to bore the readers. You figure it out.
Computer: I'll get you for that.

Sentient computers are fun, but here it is again; skipping stuff and joking about how I'm skipping it. Sheesh, nevist alert!

Madeline: I want my paycheck!
Gangster: And I want to shoot you!
Picard: Computer, freeze program!
Computer: Yeah, right.

So the computer gets back at Picard. Lame scene, though.

Lwaxana: Where's the captain?
Troi: Busy.
Lwaxana: Then I'll propose to Riker.
Troi: Let me revise my previous answer.

THIS is classic. Hey, you can't throw gutterballs all the time, eh?

Pulaski: The Antedeans are waking up. Too bad it's not important enough to warrant a full scene, at least by fiver standards.
Worf: Agreed.

And again. We all know why this was chucked. Let's move on.

Riker: Trouble, sir. Mrs. Troi thinks that she's engaged to me.
Picard: Oh, I'm sure that Rex here will be glad to take her off your hands.
Rex: Whoa, whoa, hold your horses!
Riker: She's beautiful and rich.
Rex: I retract my last statement.

I never noticed before that I reused the "let me change my answer" gag. Had I seen that, I would've used it more often in this fiver. I still love Rex's shallow nature, though. You could even call him dim, if you don't mind an AWFUL hologram joke.

Lwaxana: What a messy room you have here, Jean-Luc! Except for the hunk behind the counter, of course.
Rex: What's a dame like you doing in a dump like this?
Lwaxana: I find that line predictable and trite. Good thing I like that in a man.
Picard: Should I be offended?

I consider those last two lines to be one of the best couplets I've ever written for a fiver.

Lwaxana: Rex and I are getting married!
Data: Query, why was I not able to do my South American bit and show off my nifty zoot suit?
Picard: Data, this is a fiver. All plot threads are considered superflous unless they can be turned into a joke.
Data: If I were human, I believe the correct response would be "smeg."

Ha ha. Smeg. I swear I've never seen an episode of Red Dwarf in my life, I picked that up from the folks over at 5MSG. I love it. Too bad I felt it necessary to make fun of dropping plot points again.

Lwaxana: Even though I'm steamed at you for setting me up with a hologram, I'll still save your butts and tell you that the Antedeans are assassins.
Picard: Thank you, Mrs. Troi.
Homn: Thank you for the drinks.
Picard: Why would you waste your one line in a fiver repeating what you said in the actual episode?
Homn: (Shrug).
Picard: Whatever, just go away. Hopefully I'll get to do some actual "boldly going" ONE of these weeks.
Homn: (Nod).

Yikes, that's a long scene. I suppose this is the genesis of the "shut up and go away" joke I used in my "In the Cards" fiver. Still a classic.
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