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Old 08-09-2007, 09:39 PM
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Post A more in-depth reaction . . .

Originally Posted by Nate the Great View Post
As another sign that I was a newbie fivist (does newbist or nevist sound better?)
I'd stick with "newbie fivist".
Yet another instance of my early frailty of referencing plot points that come from nowhere just for the sake of including as much of it as possible. The fact that Kataan is a desert world is absolutely superfluous when you have to chop out plot points to fit the fiver format.
This sort of thing trips me up a lot. Especially problematic since I tend to go after novels, where the writer can include a lot more in the way of charaterization/throwaway lines/filler than can be fit into a TV episode. Good to be reminded that I don't have to squeeze everything in.

“I’m trying to create a moment here!” is still a favorite line.
As it should be.

Kamin: The world is doomed!
Administrator: I know that. We’re doing all we can.
Kamin: How? We can only launch small missiles!
Administrator: Quit nitpicking or I will fire you!

Nate: Although my final version of this scene is better, this version still holds a special place in my heart if only for the nitpicking gag. Although (speaking of nitpicking), why didn’t I say “I’ll fire you!”?
I don't know, why would you?

Originally Posted by Nate the Great View Post
Picard: What is that Mr. Data?
Data: A probe that appears to be attempting a dialup connection with your brain, sir.
Picard: Yeah, right, as if they could be Windows compatible!
Probe: Wanna bet?
Picard: Yeazzzzz.....

Nate: My only regret in this scene is that comma between “yeah” and “right.” I was going for sarcasm, not casual wit.
I agree that the comma softens the delivery, but I think I originally interpreted the line as sarcasm.

Eline: Kamin, you're awake!
Picard/Kamin: Who are you? Computer, end program!
Eline: Who is Computer? I'm Eline, your wife.
Kamin: Yeah, right, in my dreams my wife is a knockout redhead. Where am I?
Eline: Your home, of course.
Kamin: This dump? I'm gonna leave before you start going all Castle Anthrax on me!

Nate: The “who is Computer?” gag seems a little weak in retrospect. At least, it’s not strong enough to justify being the second gag in a long (for a fiver) scene.
Eh, it works for me.

At least the “knockout redhead wife” gag works on two levels. The first level is my original intent, his Nexus wife from Generations. It works for Beverly Crusher, too, if you happen to be a shipper, which I am. Everyone can see whatever meaning they want.
I'd forgotten about the wife in Generations being a redhead, personally, so I'm glad you explained you didn't necessarily mean Beverly.

Batai: I am going to change careers yet again! I'm going to be a musician!
Kamin: Fine, the world is ending anyway!
Meribor: So I shouldn't marry Dannik, I should just live with him?
Kamin: Not in a million years!
Meribor: But you just said...
Kamin: Hush, you!

Nate: See, the scene has more punch when you hold a focus with the plotline! My only regret is the overuse of exclamation points, but I’m not sure if periods would do the gags justice.
The exclamation points don't really detract from the scene for me, personally.

Kamin: The world is doomed! You can fire me with a hefty pension for insanity now.
Administrator: Not on your life. First of all, you're right, and second of all we like to keep our insane elected officials where we can see them.
Kamin: But isn't a system of government like that doomed to failure?
Administrator: You'd think so, but it's not. Now go away before I take your flute.

Nate: I remember being very proud of this “insane elected officials” business. At the time I thought it incredibly witty.
It sounds familiar somehow. Is it a reference?

Eline: Put your shoes away.
Kamin: You pick those as your last...
Eline: Ack!
Kamin: Drat.

Nate: See? Same scene! Should’ve used “rats,” though.
I think "drat" works quite well.

Meribor: Want to go see the new missile get launched?
Kamin: Why would I want to do that? My skin protector is only 500 SPF!
Eline: That doesn't matter. This is all an illusion anyway.
Kamin: Eline? How can you be here?
Eline: Turns out my contract entitled me to one more scene. Remember us.

Nate: Further proof that we’re our own worst critics. I now consider that 500 SPF joke pathetically weak.
It should probably have another 0 in it.

I’m proud of the Eline’s contract gag, though.
That part's certainly an improvement over the rough draft.
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“There must have been a point in early human history when it was actually advantageous to, when confronted with a difficult task, drop it altogether and go do something more fun, because I do that way too often for it to be anything but instinct.” -- Isto Combs
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