April 27th, 1992, "The Perfect Mate"
I will try to keep the X-Men jokes to a minimum, but no promises...
Fiver by Marc
The Episode
PICARD: I trust, Ambassador, that this cargo is in no way dangerous?
BRIAM: Oh, no, nothing of the sort. I'm cautious because it's quite fragile, and quite irreplaceable.
I know that this has nothing to do with Harry Mudd, but it's an interesting idea. After all, while he called his women "cargo" he did treat them as actual people.
RIKER: Bridge to transporter room three. Boost your output and lock on to the two Ferengi on board the shuttle.
What's a Ferengi shuttle doing all the way out here without a mother ship?
RIKER: Bridge to transporter room three. Boost your output and lock on to the two Ferengi on board the shuttle. We may need to attempt a long range transport.
It occurs to me that we never really got an explanation as to what a "long range transport" actually is. It would make sense that if the transporters on both ends could link you could extend the range, but that's rarely implied. Does a long range transport involve tying in long range sensors or other equipment that lowers the chances of success?
RIKER: Mister Worf, escort our Ferengi guests to quarters. Not too close to mine.
WORF: Understood.
A cute joke, and it raises the question of whether or not there are different "levels" of quest quarters. The Kriosians are no doubt in the VIP section, the senior officers in another, and the standard guest quarters in yet another.
LAFORGE: We've been working from your drawings, Ambassador. I hope we're in the ballpark.
BRIAM: Ball park?
PICARD: That's an old human expression. Mister LaForge hopes that we've got close to achieving what you wanted.
Ah, the inconsistencies of the Universal Translator. How I don't like them. Then again, could you really train Starfleet officers to not use planet-specific idioms? Or program the Universal Translator to translate idioms into plain English before the translation?
Then again, I'm reminded of how "spider under the table" is the Bajoran version of "fly on the wall." So I guess the UT is depressingly literal.
BRIAM: Astonishing. It is the ancient Temple of Akadar. It is this temple that bonds Krios and Valt, gentlemen. Two brothers ruled a vast empire from this site until they were torn apart by their love for an extraordinary woman.
How large was this empire? I'm reminded of the novel
Dragon's Honor, where an "empire" was the homeworld and a couple colonies, all contained within one nebula. Or maybe this "vast empire" existed in the "generation" of galactic powers before the current one, where engines were slower and travel times longer. I'm sure if I wanted to I could crawl through Memory Alpha and come up with likely galactic powers a thousand years ago.
LENOR: Peace is good for trade, unless you happen to be an arms merchant.
I actually think this is a decent joke, even if the TNG Ferengi themselves constitute a joke at this point. Of course "peace is good for business" is Rule #35 (and Memory Alpha refers to this episode as a reference).
(Briam and Picard enter a turbolift as Geordi hustles Lenor away)
LAFORGE: Listen, have you had a chance to see the dolphins yet?
Only mention of the onboard dolphins in TNG. "Yesterday's Enterprise" has a mention of "Cetacean Ops", but that was more of an Easter egg. Lower Decks has a few more cameos, including onscreen whale Starfleet officers. Personally I think the whole thing is ridiculous. Navigating in three dimensions in water is nothing like navigating in three dimensions in outer space. Furthermore adapting a ship's control for their use would require a ground-up redesign of the ship.
As for whether or not the inhabitants of the Whale Probe are actually whales, SF Debris presented a valid point. Creating spaceships requires technology that flippers just can't manage.
QOL: This is a misunderstanding. I was looking for a barbershop. Apparently I made an incorrect turn and...
What a Ferengi would need with a barber is beyond me. Or was Qol planning to ask Mr. Mot for tips on changing careers?
KAMALA: As do I, Ambassador. Why have I been brought out of stasis prematurely?
BRIAM: It was an accident. This is quite complicated. Perhaps you and I
KAMALA: It is not complicated at all, Briam, and the Captain has no tolerance for prevarication. I'm a gift, to Alrik of Valt.
"Prevarication" is just a fancy way of saying "lying" or at least "avoiding the truth." I get that the writers want to portray Kamala as intelligent, but there have to be better ways than sending viewers to their dictionaries.
BRIAM: Not as property, as a gift, and I was concerned that you might not entirely understand.
Could someone explain to me how a "gift" is not "property"?
KAMALA: In our history there's a woman known as Garuth, who was loved by the brothers Krios and Valt with such passion that an empire fell.
BRIAM: And the wars began when Krios kidnapped Garuth and took her to our planet.
KAMALA: Like her, I'm an empathic metamorph. The first female metamorph born in my world for over a hundred years.
PICARD: A metamorph?
KAMALA: A mutant. A biological curiosity, if you will. With the ability to sense what a potential mate wants, what he needs, what gives him the greatest pleasure and then to become that for him.
I refer you to SF Debris' review. As he points out, they try to make this okay by saying that male metamorphs are common, but it doesn't work. There's a whole screed to be had here about people changing themselves for love, or at least the illusion of love.
Furthermore, the fact that a fight over a metamorph caused the war in the first place is something that they give too little attention to. If they're not going to discuss the issues thoroughly than the story of Garuth is rather pointless.
BRIAM: You see, male metamorphs are somewhat common, but females are born only once in seven generations. So obviously they are greatly sought after as mates.
RIKER: Which explains the Ferengi's interest.
Which raises further questions! It's one thing for these people to be fought over on their own planets, but if the Ferengi kidnapped one it's still kidnapping, prostitution, and human trafficking! Even if such things aren't prohibited by Ferengi culture (and since Ferengi women have no rights I see no reason why they would be), they're prohibited by anyone the Ferengi would try to sell her to, except for other Ferengi! And making non-Ferengi women do Ferengi woman tasks (especially prechewing their tube grubs, ew) raises further questions!
KAMALA: My body is producing an unusually elevated level of what you would call pheromones. The effect can be quite provocative. Perhaps you sense it?
RIKER: Ah, unfortunately, I'm not an empath.
KAMALA: Oh, I think you are more empathic than you admit. At least when it comes to women.
Oh boy, the uncomfortable discussion we could have on this point...
RIKER: Listen. This has been educational but I make it a policy never to open another man's gift.
KAMALA: I know my role in history, Commander. But it's going to be a long voyage.
Without getting too uncomfortable, let's just say that I expect a people who value these metamorphs would also value virginity in said metamorphs.
RIKER: Riker to bridge. If you need me, I'll be in holodeck four.
SF Debris was correct to mock Riker for needing a cold shower after one kiss. Besides, we've seen Riker with plenty of women who were forward with him, he should be used to it. And no, I won't blame her pheromones, Riker hangs out on Risa all the time and they must have something similar.
CRUSHER: How can you simply deliver her like a courier into a life of virtual prostitution.
PICARD: Beverly! Arranged marriages have been the basis of political alliances in many cultures, including our own.
I'm not sure that "prostitution" is the right word here, but I'm not in the mood to ponder alternatives. I have more problem with Picard's use of "culture". While some may be willing to unite all of humanity within a single culture umbrella, I doubt that Picard is one of them.
CRUSHER: She has been conditioned since the day she was born to believe it's perfectly acceptable to exist only to please men.
Do metamorphs not have jobs of their own? Are metamorphs stuck in the proverbial kitchen by these people? I'll skip another screed.