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Old 01-13-2018, 05:51 PM
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Nate the Great Nate the Great is offline
Knate airrant
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 3,961

Entry Eleven, "Fair Game"

HAMMOND: Captain Carter, I now promote you to Major. Where did Jack go?
THOR: Hello, O'Neill.
O'NEILL: Hi, Thor. What's up?
THOR: The Goa'uld are planning to attack Earth unless you agree to negotiate with them.
O'NEILL: Well doesn't that sound fun?

There should be a scene break there. Lame punchline, should've had him say "Okay, where are the cameras?" or something.

HAMMOND: Why are the Goa'uld agreeing to this?
TEAL'C: They fear the Asgard.
THOR: By the way, we have chosen O'Neill to represent Earth.
O'NEILL: Are you sure this is a good idea?

Should've turned that last line into a running gag, ending with someone snapping "for the hundredth time, YES!"

DANIEL: These are the three Go'auld: Cronus, Yu, and Nirrti.
O'NEILL: No boring bios?
DANIEL: We only have five minutes to tell this story.

No, good/bad/ugly joke?

HAMMOND: We have to lock up all of our weapons.
TEAL'C: I will not.
HAMMOND: That's an order.
TEAL'C: Indeed.

Skip this scene to make room for something else!

CRONUS: I will not be spied upon!
DANIEL: OK, we'll take down the cameras in your rooms if you let us keep the ones in the halls.
HAMMOND: Why did you do that.
DANIEL: Foreshadowing. You'll see later.

This is okay, I guess, but that punchline could've been a bit more refined.

TEAL'C: By the way, Cronus killed my father.
DANIEL: Why are you telling me this?
TEAL'C: Foreshadowing. You'll see later.

Should've refined the foreshadowing running gag a bit more.

THOR: O'Neill, if the negotiation fails the Asgard can't protect you.
THOR: We're fighting a far worse enemy. And before you ask, the answer is foreshadowing.

See what I mean?

YU: We won't attack Earth if you give up your Stargate. Both of them.
O'NEILL: We have two?
CARTER: Yes. Remember "Solitudes?"
O'NEILL: Right.

Should've referenced the events of "Solitudes" for O'Neill's punchline. Or maybe had it been "Not really, we Minnesotans tend to block out memories of being trapped in glaciers" or something.

HAMMOND: The President has agreed to give up our Stargate.
FRAISER: Someone attacked Cronus! Teal'c was with him.
HAMMOND: I knew something would happen. We've still got half an hour to fill!

I fall back on the "we're not close enough to the end of the episode for the plot to be resolved yet" gag too much.

YU: You attacked us! The Goa'uld will destroy you!
DANIEL: Now you see why we gave up the cameras? It adds mystery!

"Darn, if only we hadn't turned off the cameras!" And an "Indeed" from Teal'c.

TEAL'C: I did not attack him. Some invisible force did.

Single-line scenes are frowned upon. At the very least have whoever he's talking to say "Indeed"!

CARTER: Now I get to be the hero and heal Cronus with this funky Go'auld healing device!
CRONUS: The Go'auld will destroy you!
CARTER: Do you promise not to if we prove who attacked you?
CRONUS: Sure, I'm a reasonable tyrant.

I like the oblivious hypocrite joke, but I could've tweaked this a bit.

O'NEILL: You lied to us. Nirrti used a personal cloaking device to attack Cronus.
YU: Why didn't you give this device to the Goa'uld?
NIRRTI: I had to advance the plot. Now it's time to cloak and make my escape.
CARTER: Not so fast! I have an anti-cloak gun, and I'm not afraid to use it!

An "I got bored" would've been better than "I had to advance the plot."

CRONUS: You can keep your Stargate. But if you meet us again, we will show no mercy.
O'NEILL: I know. We don't have the budget to get a new villian yet. Maybe next season.
O'NEILL: Foreshadowing. You'll see later.

Another typo, ugh.
mudshark: Nate's just being...Nate.
Zeke: It comes nateurally to him.

mudshark: I don't expect Nate to make sense, really -- it's just a bad idea.

Sa'ar Chasm on the forum: Sit back, relax, and revel in the insanity.

Adam Savage: I reject your reality and substitute my own!

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Crow T. Robot: Oh, stop pretending there's a plot. Don't cheapen yourself further.
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