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Top Ten things Wesley Crusher would do if he got ahold of Enterprise


10. Banana Splits for everyone! Not the dessert, the band! “Flippin' like a pancake, poppin' like a cork, Fleegle, Bingo, Drooper and Snork...”

9. Wesley uses the Enterprise computer to create a beautiful woman with great hair who helps him gain maturity and self-respect. Guest star: Kelly LeBrock.

8. Wesley: So, how do I look bald?
Worf: I’m so appalled I want to kill myself.
Wesley: Make it so.

7. You know, those alternate planes of existence sure are a lot more fun at Warp 10. Wheeee!

6. After one too many ginger ale fizzies celebrating his taking over the ship, Wesley forces Troi to try out an outfit he saw once in some old earth movie. Something about Jedis returning from somewhere or something. Anyway Troi objects, saying she would be humiliated. Wesley points out that she is currently wearing a burgundy spandex leotard. Troi admits he has a point.

5. From now on, all missions conducted traveling in reverse. Admiral Nacheyev: “What’s that beeping noise?” Wesley: “Um, what beeping noise?”

4. After stealing Rasmussen’s time machine, Wesley sneaks back to take over Kirk’s Enterprise, where he locks Kirk in his quarters and peppers him with so many fanboy questions about his relationship with Spock and the workings of the Enterprise that Kirk rips the boy’s thorax out and he dies. Ah, for the days when captains were real men...

3. Riker: Well, Captain Crusher, how was the away mission?
Wesley: Fine.
Riker: What did you discover?
Wesley: Nothing.

2. Wanting to visit the pleasure planets of Orion as quickly as possible, Wesley discovers Warp 25. Unfortunately traveling at such speeds turns everyone on board into horny hamsters. Two weeks later, bursting at the seams from a population of 600 billion hamsters, the ship horrifically explodes, spewing hamster hair inch-deep across the surfaces of all the known worlds of the galaxy.

1. Using the technology discovered in “Rascals,” Wesley turns the entire crew into kids he can boss around, but his plan backfires when they get together to beat him up and steal his lunch money.



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Top Ten Favorite Star Trek Characters or Episodes of Famous Non-Trek People (Fictional or Real)