[Nate the Great]

February 6th, 1995, "Phage"

Fiver by Kira

The Episode

JANEWAY: Assuming we do find dilithium on this planetoid, we're going to need a refining facility on the ship to process it.
CHAKOTAY: Lieutenant Torres has already asked permission to start modifications to the auxiliary impulse reactor. It could be converted into a crude dilithium refinery.

Yeah, this is complete nonsense.

JANEWAY: I'm sure it can. Tell her I want regular reports on her progress every step of the way. Are you sure you won't join me for breakfast? I was thinking of having eggs Benedict with asparagus, strawberries and cream.
CHAKOTAY: Ah.
JANEWAY: I said I was thinking about it. I'm actually having ration pack number five. Stewed tomatoes with dehydrated eggs.
CHAKOTAY: Mmm. Sounds delicious, but I've already had my vacuum-packed oatmeal this morning.

Cute moment, but completely antithetical to the modified premise. At least establish replicator rations before you start talking about MREs. Also, stewed tomatoes and eggs sounds disgusting.

JANEWAY: Well, you might have asked me first. This used to be my private dining room.
NEELIX: Your? Your dining room?
JANEWAY: If you had checked the ship's directory, you would have noticed that cabin one two five alpha deck two is designated as the Captain's private dining room.

Why would the captain need a private dining room? Picard didn't even have a private dining room! Couldn't they have at least designated this as an officer's private dining room?

TORRES: It also looks like there's a series of subterranean caves with an oxygen-nitrogen atmosphere.
CHAKOTAY: Class M. It'll make mining a lot easier if we can go in there without environmental suits.

And once again the writers think that the only requirement for Class M is a breathable atmosphere. They forget gravity, air pressure, temperature, etc. It's annoying every time.

NEELIX: Wait a minute. I'm getting unusual readings from this rock face. Traces of organic energy. Looks like a bio-electrical signature. I think there's something alive down here. It's about two metres into this rock face.
CHAKOTAY [OC]: Neelix, I said get back here! Neelix, did you hear what I said?
NEELIX: Just one minute, Commander.

I wish that they'd had a conversation between Neelix and Kes by now about how Neelix feels that he has to prove himself useful in as many ways as possible lest Janeway throw him off the ship. But no, Neelix just makes himself look like an idiot over and over again.

EMH: The infuser will keep his oxygen levels stable for the next hour or so, but after that he'll die. His lungs have been removed.

At no point does Doc even bring up doing surgery to more formally connect Neelix to an external life support system. There has to be a larger version of this infuser that you can connect to the biobed, turning it into a proverbial iron lung.

JANEWAY: Can't we fit him with a pair of artificial lungs?
EMH: His respiratory system is directly linked to multiple points along his spinal column. It's too complex to replicate.

This bit of Treknobabble seems to be obtuse for the sake of being obtuse. Just say that Talaxian lungs have more complex connections to the nervous system that Doc won't be able to account for before Neelix dies!

EMH: The man drives a seven hundred thousand ton starship so somebody thinks he'd make a good medic.

I had a whole screed planned about comparing the size/mass of Voyager with the Enterprise-D, but to summarize 700,000 metric tons seems a bit light for Voyager.

I understand the real world reason why Paris was made field medic, we don't want to hire another recurring character (although I wonder why Ayala or Seska couldn't have been the nurse, come to think of it). But his piloting skills are irrelevant to Janeway's decision, it was because he had taken a vaguely related course at the Academy.

But seriously, Doc should have a few nameless nurses in the background by now. Don't name them, don't pay the money to have them talk, but HAVE them.

EMH: Computer, is there an identification matrix on Mister Neelix from the last time he used the transporter?
COMPUTER: Affirmative.
EMH: Transfer it to console four.

Ugh. There's some information in the ship's computer that Doc can just access "telepathically". Then again, you could say the same thing about Data, but I'll skip that screed.

PARIS: I thought you just said we can't replicate his lungs.
EMH: We can't. But if I can reconfigure my emitter array I might be able to create a pair of holographic lungs for Mister Neelix.
PARIS: Holographic lungs?
EMH: If it's successful, we can precisely control his pulmonary functions to allow normal breathing.

This is of course nonsense, but if we allow for holographic lungs then we must also allow for the eventual creation of proper artificial lungs down the line because we'll have created the "blueprint" through the hologram.

EMH: The magnetic containment field that creates the illusion of my body can be modulated to allow matter to pass through it or be stopped. I might be able to modulate the holographic lungs in the same way, allowing oxygen and carbon dioxide to pass from the lungs to the blood stream.

This is overly simplistic, but I get the metaphor.

KES: How long will he have to stay like that?
EMH: For the rest of his life, unless the holo-lungs can be replaced by his original organs. And he will never be able to leave the holographic environment of this room. The holo-lungs would disappear the moment he went out the door.

Even if I'll buy that Doc can make holo-lungs within the restraint of the biobed, there's no way they could be used if Neelix is moving around. We're talking about holographic resolutions down to the size of molecules. No way could that be maintained if they have to be in motion as well.

TUVOK: This room is the source of the dilithium signature we detected earlier. The power systems here are running on an unusual dilithium matrix.
KIM: So there are actually no dilithium deposits on this planet.
TUVOK: It would appear not.

So Vidiian technology generates energy emissions that resemble that of dilithium? That introduces more questions, but I'll skip the screed.

PARIS: Okay. The isotropic restraint is activated. He won't be able to move more than two microns in any direction.

Oxygen molecules are 300 picometers. 2 microns is seven thousand times larger. In other words, moving 2 microns is way too big if you want to avoid killing Neelix.

NEELIX: Well, if I'm going to be in here a while, now's as good a time as any to tell you. Your ceiling is hideous.
EMH: I didn't design the room, I just work here.
NEELIX: Something with a bit of colour would help. Maybe a nice tapestry or a painting. Could you dim the lights a little?

Yeah, now is not the time for comic relief. Neelix should be gibbering at this point. For a social creature like him the idea of being trapped in a bed for the rest of his life would be horrifying.

NEELIX: Oh, fine. I have a little accident, I lose a pair of lungs, and the next thing I know Paris is swooping in like a Rectillian vulture.
KES: What are you talking about?
NEELIX: Didn't you hear the way that he said that? I'll be on the bridge if you need me. If you need me.
KES: Neelix
NEELIX: Why doesn't he just pull the plug on the holographic emitter and get it over with. Get me out of the way so he can have you all to himself.
KES: Neelix, you're over-reacting. Tom's been very supportive.
NEELIX: Ah, so it's Tom now, is it?
KES: You really have nothing to worry about. We're friends, that's all.
NEELIX: It's not you I'm worried about. It's him. He's just one big hormone walking around the ship. Don't you see the way that he looks at you?

Let's move past Neelix's jealousy or Kes' obliviousness, I've ranted about them enough in the past and will continue to do so. The important part is that Kes has made it clear that as long as she's with Neelix she will be loyal to him.

I'm reminded of that time on Friends when Ross and Rachel were going through a rough patch and Ross was jealous of Mark. It took Monica yelling at Ross to get it through his head that just because Mark was hitting on Rachel that doesn't mean that Mark will get Rachel, Ross should trust her. The same thing applies here. It doesn't matter how much Tom hits on Kes, he won't get anywhere as long as Kes is devoted to Neelix.