The Five-Minute Forums - September 20: Star Wars Trilogy

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September 20: Star Wars Trilogy

Greetings, all, and welcome to another Kira Extravaganza. (Or Kiravaganza, if you will.) Today, I bring you fivers that I started writing a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away... well, undergrad. In fact, I started jotting down scenes for these before I even had them called. Those initial scenes are long gone, but the final product is here after close to a year and a half of writing, tweaking, and... a lot of waiting.

Ladies and gentlemen, fiver fans, I give you.... Five-Minute Star Wars.

Fear not, for fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering... but you only have to suffer until tomorrow to get the next installment. Cheers, and enjoy.

Quote:

Obi-Wan: You don't have to make the sounds.

Heh. Didn't I hear that Ewan McGregor made lightsaber sounds when he was filiming for TPM?

Excellent, excellent fiver, Kira. Hilarious from start to finish.

ROTFLMA:DOL!

An awesome fiver! :D

Favorite parts... It was all so good!

Quote:

Imperial Soldier: The files are not in the main computer, Lord Vader.
Vader: Damn! (strangling Rebel soldier) Where are those transmissions?
Rebel Soldier: Ack... diplomatic... urk... mission....
Vader: Perhaps you'll be more cooperative if I choke you to death!
Rebel Soldier: GAK!
Vader: Hm... maybe I should have thought that through first.

Quote:

Luke: Stupid chores! Stupid Uncle Owen! Stupid Tatooine!
C3PO: Pardon me, Master Luke, but are you always this whiny?
Luke: Yes. Are you always this annoying?
C3PO: Yes.
Luke: Great, we should get along splendidly.

-- and --

Quote:

Luke: I wish Han were here. And Ben. Sigh.
Leia: Are you always this whiny?
Luke: Yes. Are you always this hot?
Leia: Yes.
Luke: Great, we should get along splendidly.

Quote:

Luke: This droid says he belongs to you.
Obi-Wan: I've never seen him before in my life.
R2D2: beepboop beblip deep doop bloop
Obi-Wan: I think I'd remember something like that. Come, young Luke, let us gather up the pieces of your cowardly droid and come to my hut where I'll talk you into a quest that will lead you away from everything you've ever known and change your life forever. And I have Tang.
Luke: Sweet! Tang!

Quote:

Stormtrooper 1: We're looking for some missing droids just like the two you've got in your speeder here. Show us some identification.
Obi-Wan: Of course, it's right -- Look over there!
Stormtrooper 1: What? Where?
(VROOOOOOM)
Stormtrooper 2: You idiot! You just fell for the infamous Jedi Mind Trick.

Quote:

Tarkin: Tell us where the Rebel base is or we'll blow up Alderaan.
Leia: Oh no! Not Alderaan! The Rebels are on the planet Ecoyday in the Uckersay system.
Tarkin: Excellent. Told you she would cave, Vader.
Vader: I have a bad feeling about this.
Tarkin: Princess, we thank you for your cooperation and ACTIVATE THE DEATH STAR! Mwahahaha!
Leia: But... but....
Tarkin: What? I'm evil.

Quote:

R2D2: beep deboop zoop blip boopboop!
C3PO: He says the Princess is here, and scheduled to be executed.
Luke: Oh no! I can't let that hot chick die! Come on, we have to rescue her!
Solo: What's in it for me? Can I hook up with her?
Luke: Only if I can't, though I can't imagine why that would be.

Quote:

Obi-Wan: You can kill me, Darth, but I'll just come back even more powerful than before. "Obi-Wan the White," they'll call me.
Vader: Fifty bucks says you can't pull that off.
Obi-Wan: You're on.
(WHOOSH)
Vader: (poking the empty robe) Damn! Where'd he go?
Luke: Nooooo! Ben! Now how will you get the fifty bucks?

Quote:

Obi-Wan: Use the Force, Luke.
Luke: Great, just what I needed. A back seat driver.

Quote:

Obi-Wan: Let go, Luke. Trust me.
Luke: You mean shut off the targeting computer? Why?
Obi-Wan: It will make it more impressive when you manage to blow up the station.
Luke: Fair enough.

Quote:

Luke: So, we've destroyed the Death Star and rid the galaxy of the evil Empire. I guess this is the end. I mean, it's not like they can strike back or anything. Right, guys?
Leia: Er....
Solo: Um....
Chewbacca: Rooowwoorrrr!
Luke: Sigh.

Quote:

Leia: Luke Skywalker, for sheer dumb luck, I award you this medal.
Luke: Sweet!
All: Yay!
Leia: And to you, Han Solo, I award this medal for running like a chicken until the last possible second.
Solo: Oo! Shiny!
All: Yay!
Chewbacca: Rooowwoorrrr!
Leia: Sorry, I'm all out.
All: Boo!
(Chewbacca sulks at Ludicrous Speed)

Oh, boy.

Much stuff good and funny here. Some I liked:

Quote:

Luke: Is that a lightsaber? I've always wanted to play with one of those. Schwing! Schwing!
Obi-Wan: You don't have to make the sounds.

*snicker, tee-hee*

Quote:

Obi-Wan: Luke, trust your feelings.
Luke: Has anyone ever told you that you sound like a New Age therapist? And get out of my head!
Obi-Wan: But I like it in here.

:mrgreen:

Good start, Kira -- looking forward to more. http://www.akfiles.com/forums/smilies/small_grin.gif

Edit: Oh,yeah ... as NAH pointed out, the blurb, too. Hee.

*jaw drops* Oh....my......gosh......IT'S HERE? WOO-HOO! :mrgreen:

Quote:

Vader: Perhaps you'll be more cooperative if I choke you to death!
Rebel Soldier: GAK!
Vader: Hm... maybe I should have thought that through first.

LOL! :D

Quote:

C3PO: Another fine mess you've gotten us into, dipstick.

Heeheehee.

Quote:

Stormtrooper 1: We'd be making much better time if we didn't have all these dewbacks slowing us down.
Stormtrooper 2: We have -- hey, where did those come from?

BWAHAHAHA!

Quote:

Solo: Greedo! Long time, no see. Um... everything's fine here, we're all fine. How are you?
Greedo: I'll be much better once I collect the bounty on your head.
(ZAP!)
Solo: Well, it was a boring conversation anyways.

Heheheh. Han does have a way of losing interest in conversations abruptly, doesn't he?

Quote:

Leia: No more than I am to see you all in one piece. I didn't know you had moved our base off Ecoyday.
Willard: ...Yes. Well, that's why we don't let you do any actual planning.

Heehee.

Quote:

Luke: No way! That little droid has saved my life.
Rebel Engineer: Really? I've always heard R2 units are notorious for trying to kill their masters. Is this a parachute he's wearing?
Luke: Why would R2 want a parachute?

*remembers the Tatooine and garbage scenes and giggles uncontrollably*

Brilliant stuff all around, Kira! :mrgreen:

Oh, and very nice blurb too ;)

Great work once again, Kira. Here's my favorite part:

Quote:

ROFL!

As I read this thread (well actualy the main 5MV page) I was currently listening to the soundtrack to Return of the Jedi. You know, psyching myself out for the Trilogy tomorow. WHICH I AM SO GETTING.

::ahem::

Kira you rock.

That is all.

Quote:

Obi-Wan: Use the Force, Luke.
Luke: Great, just what I needed. A back seat driver.

Death Star: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Vader: Crap! That station cost me an arm and a leg!

Awesome awesome awesome. Thanks Kira!

Kira, it occurs to me to add:

Thank you for calling it Five-minute Star Wars, instead of that incredibly lame, tacked-on-22-years-after-the-fact, really stupid "A New Hope" boojazz. Revisionism should only be allowed to go so far, even where George Lucas is concerned. (Next up, folks: a rant upon "Hikaru" -- sheesh! :roll: )

[Disclaimer: this post will make absolutely no sense to most of you -- don't worry about it.]

Fantastic job, Kira!

Quote:

Vader: Obi-Wan... we meet at last.
Obi-Wan: We've known each other since you were a child, you moron.
Vader: Whatever. Eat lightsaber.

yeah, there's going to be a lot of that going on. If Lucas didn't chain JEJ to a chair and make him redub all the inconvenient dialogue. :shock: oops, should I not have said that?

Quote:

Revisionism should only be allowed to go so far, even where George Lucas is concerned.

Case in point:

Quote:

Stormtrooper 1: Look -- droid parts.
Stormtrooper 2: The footsteps lead off in this direction. Let's go.
Stormtrooper 1: We'd be making much better time if we didn't have all these dewbacks slowing us down.
Stormtrooper 2: We have -- hey, where did those come from?

Other treasured bits:
[quote]C3PO: Another fine mess you've gotten us into, dipstick.[/quote[

Every great comedy duo has a tall skinny one and a short fat one who communicates in gibberish.

Quote:

Luke: He what? Is he trying to get me killed?
C3PO: I wouldn't be at all surprised, sir.

I sense an emerging theme.

Quote:

Luke: Is that a lightsaber? I've always wanted to play with one of those. Schwing! Schwing!
Obi-Wan: You don't have to make the sounds.

ROFL!

Quote:

Obi-Wan: I've found a pilot to take us to Alderaan.
Luke: You're going to let that thing fly us?
Chewbacca: Rooowwoorrrr!
Solo: Watch your mouth, kid. Wookiees don't take kindly to insults.
Luke: I wasn't talking about the Wookiee.

Heheheheh...Wookiees.

Quote:

Imperial Soldier: Is there anybody in there?
Solo: No!
Imperial Soldier: The ship appears to be deserted, sir.

Where would heroes be without inept bad guys?

Quote:

Solo: We've got fighters on our tail.
(ZAP! ZAP!)
Luke: Yes! Tetris!
Solo: Luke!
Luke: Oh, right. Shooting the Imperial Fighters. Sorry.

<snicker> I'm surprised they can hit anything with that targetting grid.

Quote:

Leia: So you're just going to take the reward and leave us to die?
Solo: Darlin', sometimes you just gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run just long enough to look like a hero when you come back to save the day.

Now *that's* how you use song lyrics in a fiver (are you taking notes, me?)

Quote:

Poor Chewie. The amount of respect you get in the Star Wars universe is inversely proprotional to the amount of body hair you have.

Very impressive, Kira. A great start to your magnificent octopus.

What?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derek

Heh. Didn't I hear that Ewan McGregor made lightsaber sounds when he was filiming for TPM?

I think it was Hayden Christensen, but that's where I got the idea.

Quote:

Originally Posted by evay

yeah, there's going to be a lot of that going on. If Lucas didn't chain JEJ to a chair and make him redub all the inconvenient dialogue. :shock: oops, should I not have said that?

Just wait until Friday. :twisted:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derek

Heh. Didn't I hear that Ewan McGregor made lightsaber sounds when he was filiming for TPM?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kira

I think it was Hayden Christensen, but that's where I got the idea.

F. Murray Abraham did the same thing while filming Insurrection, although reportedly he didn't realize he was doing it. They stopped filming and someone said "Murray, you don't have to make the shooting sounds when you fire your phaser. We'll add it in post." Abraham said "I'm not making noises! What are you talking about?" So they showed him the dailies and he was making phaser-fire sounds like a five-year-old! :mrgreen:

Quote:

Originally Posted by evay

If Lucas didn't chain JEJ to a chair and make him redub all the inconvenient dialogue. :shock: oops, should I not have said that?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kira

Just wait until Friday.

Okay, now I'm TOTALLY pysched. :twisted:

Quote:

Originally Posted by evay

Er, that's very close to the story I heard about McGregor if you just replace the phaser with a lightsaber. I'm now starting to suspect this is one of those common rumors that get passed around about lots of different movies with the details tweaked to suit each one.

Either that or actors are very dumb.

I can't really say much I'm afraid - my head has exploded with happiness.

Yes, I know what you're thinking, and yes, you're sick. :P

I read the first sentence and decided to save it for a day on which I feel very depressed. Or until I can't stop myself.

Two questions:

1) You call fivers before you write them?! Whoa! Work-saving revelation!

2) Who's listening to tonights BBC broadcast of Hitchhiker's Guide Fit the Thirteenth? Downloaded RealOne player just for tonight.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mudshark

Revisionism should only be allowed to go so far, even where George Lucas is concerned.

Did you read the discliamer...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kira in her awesome [i

Star Wars[/i] Fiver]DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Lucasfilm. We're not worried -- how can they enforce a copyright when Lucas rewrites the source material every two weeks? Sure, we're infringing on them today, but tomorrow, the entire original trilogy may be a six-hour-long firefight between Han and Greedo. (I don't mind as long as I get to shoot first.)