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- - May 30 (http://www.fiveminute.net/forums/showthread.php?t=1084)

You all know Tate -- he's the one responsible for our Chex Quest content. (I'm still not sure whether I should thank him or curse his name unto the fifth generation.) Well, today's his birthday, and so I'm doing something I should have done an exceedingly long time ago: publish his latest fiver. Remember his parody of Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri? Well, he went on to hit another of Sid's games. In the finest tradition of off-the-wall VG fivers, here's Five-Minute Sid Meier's Civilization III by Tate.

Excellent job, Tate. Having played Civ III, I loved it. Also, happy birthday!

Lol as a fan of the Civilization games I enjoyed that, great job

Quote:

Bonus: Five Minute Civilization III: Play the World
Player: Let's see how this works.
Play the World: (CRASH!)
Player: Bummer.
(Player waits for the next expansion pack to come out at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Sounds about right, except mine would be (player smashes computer and disc to bits with an axe at ludicrous speed) - there's a reason I don't even try to write fivers anymore.

Quote:

Military Advisor: The loyal citizens of Orleans have overthrown their oppressors and have pledged allegiance to us!
Player: If they're loyal citizens, why aren't they staying with their country?
Military Advisor: Does that mean you want me to rebuff the rebels?
Player: Are you kidding? We get a free city! Hoo-yeah!

Of course, it's a city built in the wrong spot, and it won't have a barracks so the free unit you get is only a regular and not a veteran, but it's still a free city.

Quote:

Player: Wait a minute. My capital city is called "Roma"? Why not "Rome"?
Hannibal: We use the Latin names here. Speaking of which, prepare to face the wrath of Carthago!
Player: Carthago delenda est!
Hannibal: I guess I asked for it....

Excellent reference.

Quote:

Player: Great! I get to colonize America, hoard up treasure, and send it back to my capital. I'll win this conquest easily, especially because nobody else is interested in winning.
Queen Isabella: Hey, if you wanted more AI competition, you shouldn't have set the difficulty to Chieftain level.
Player: You misunderstand. I like it this way -- I get to win!

I agree wholeheartedly. When I play one step up from Chieftain, I get stuck in the middle of the jungle with no resources, crowded in on either side by rivals who outproduce me by orders of magnitude.

Quote:

Player: Ooh, Sengoku! I love this game. Now, where should the nine go in column five? Row seven?
Daimyo Oda Nobunaga: Psst. You're thinking of Sudoku. This is Sengoku, a scenario in which you try to become Shogun of Feudal Japan.
Player: Row six? No, that wouldn't work...

*snicker* That thing has caught on like wildfire in my lab.

Quote:

Sid Meier: Well, since I can't finish that speech now, I might as well try out my stand-up comedy routine. How many Civilization players does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but first he needs to play one... more... turn. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Too true, too true.

Actually, real Civ players don't change lightbulbs, they accumulate them, and when they have enough, they get more technology.

Nice job, Tate, and happy birthday.

Quote:

Player: Wait a minute. Wasn't Alexander the Great a Macedonian? Why am I king of the Greeks?
Can you think of a better choice for a Greek king?
Player: Sure: Pericles, Alcibiades, Themistocles...
Show-off.
Player: ...Lysander, Agamemnon, Menelaus...

Nice.

Quote:

So true. So very, very true.

And I never played this expansion, but I did play Sid Meier's Colonization, which was a lot of fun and informational for US History class.

Excellent fiver, Tate. And Happy Birthday.

I never really liked this game. I mean, they kept trying to name Egyptian cities by their Greek names! :roll:

Nice fiver, though :D

You know what I like best about Civ III? How easy it is to create your own absurdly cheaty scenarios. Definitely a great fiver. :D

Happy Birthday, Tate!

(Speaking of Chex Quest, look what I found...)

Thanks for the birthday present, Zeke. I especially liked the blurb:

Quote:

A game of global domination? I dunno... sounds risky.

:D
And thanks for the comments and birthday wishes, everyone.

I love seeing people make fivers out of games with no actual plot.

Next up: Five-Minute The Sims

D'oh! I completely missed that "risky" thing...

The jokes are getting worse, Z :D