So, I wrote a Fiver.

[Billy9]

I know this site is rather dead, but I wrote a Fiver. Anyone who will view this thread won't know me, but I've read loyally since Five Minute's inception. Anyways, I was bored one night, and wrote a fiver for the DS9 Episode Apocalypse Rising, the first episode of season five.

Well, if anyone is still around and wants me to post it, let me know.

[Nate the Great]

The site is not dead, it's a zombie. :)

Seriously, I wonder if the simple logical progression of "people complain about the site" => "the site really does die because Zeke stays away forever" is really failing to register on everyone's minds. Would everybody stop poking this particular anthill with sticks all the time, PLEASE!

[Billy9]

That does seem logical.

Well, I guess since this site is the living dead, I'll post it. I'll have it up in about ten minutes.

[Billy9]

Here it is:

Five Minute "Apocalypse Rising"

Last time on Star Trek DS9:
Big Dominion Fleet: Hi
Odo's Shapeshifting Powers: Bye
Chancellor Gowron: Die!

Worf: Where are they? I ordered my Gagh and Bloodwine hours ago!
O'Brien: Mabye the Klingons intercepted them? You know how deadly the Pizza Delivery route from Earth to Bajor is.
Worf: We should look for them.
Kira: No.
Worf: Why not?
Kira: My reasons are quite apparent.
Worf: How so?
Kira: The Runabout on the viewscreen pretty much somes it up.
Worf: D'oh.

Sisko: Starfleet can't set up roadblocks. First the Borg, and now the Klingons.
Kira: What is Starfleet doing about Gowron?
Sisko: You mean 'What am I doing about Gowron.'
Jadzia: Ben, I have always had confidence in you, but this time, sucks to be you!

Quark: Hey, Cap-
Sisko: No, Quark.
Quark: Bu-
Siko: Odo
Quark: Up th-
Sisko: Thanks

Sisko: Aren't you always on duty, Constable?
Odo: Usually, but the bubbles, they told me not to be today.
Sisko: The bubbles?
Odo: Soothing, aren't they?
Sisko: You need a break Constable. Let's go on vacation to Klingon HQ, expose Gowron and above all, spend some quality time. Without Deputy Yndar.
Odo: But, I do-
Sisko: No.

Sisko: We need to infiltrate the most heavily defended sector in Klingon space, evade the Yan-Isleth, and somehow test Gowron to see if he is a shapeshifter. Any ideas?
Worf: Death to the opposition!
O'Brien: ...
Jadzia: ...
Bashir: ...
Sisko: I don't know why I hold these brainstorming sessions. Anyways, Starfleet has given me these.
Bashir: What are they?
Jadzi: Crumpled up pieces of paper.
Sisko: Starfleet Science has surmised that the humiliating effect of being hit by the paper ball will break the Changeling's confidence and foce him to drop his disguise. However, too many hits will put him in hiding, crying in a corner.
Kira: How will you get there?
Sisko: I'll have to call in all my favors. It will use up every single resource I have on Cardassia.
O'Brien: What?

Dukat: Major, I abhor your methods to lure me here. You attached my daughter to a fishing pole, and reeled the line out into space.
Kira: Yep.
Dukat: And, you are preggers. I hope you and Shakaar are very happy together.
Kira: Shakaar isn't the father, Chief O'Brien is...
Dukat: I guess you got too comfortable with the massages he gives you.
Kira: What are you talking about?
Dukat: My spoon is detecting a temporal anomaly...
Kira: Aha, that's what that does!

Dukat: I'm glad you aren't going on this mission. I love...
Sisko: ...
O'Brien: ...
Worf: ...
Dukat: ...Klingons! What? Stop looking at me.

Dukat: You know, I want a picture of you three.
O'Brien: After our mission.
Damar: I'll bet my vow of abstinence you'll be dead after the mission.
Sisko: I'l' take that bet.
Damar: Anyways, we should assault them from space. Several Galaxy and Galor wings should be enough to destroy them.
Sisko: Galaxy?
Damar: They are the most heavily armed ships in the Quadrant. Remember in Best of Both Worlds when the Enterprise fired phasers from its nacelles?
O'Brien: I'd rather not talk about that...

Julian: Lieutenant whosafudgeit is budding again.
Kira: How many, 18?
Bashir: Yes, and by the way, Morn won the betting pool. Also, I'd like to compliment you.
Kira: *Grumble*
Bashir: *Grumble*
Kira: *Grumble*
Bashir: Think they'll make it?
Kira: *Grumble*

Worf: I am the drill sergeant. Drop and give me twenty, while Bat'leth training, targ hunting and bloodwine chugging.
Sisko: *Backhand*
O'Brien: *Yell*
Odo: I'm tired of the * signs. I'm gonna go sulk...
Sisko: You'll be a Klingon, and you'll like it!
Odo: Ok, ok, ok. Hey, what's going on on the bridge?

Duakt: Muahahaha, our stealthyness surpasses that of Romulans!
Worf: You pride yourself on that?
Dukat: For that remark, I'm going to destroy that Bird of Prey with our new weapon!
Console: *Beep*
Klingon Head Mortar: Fwoom!
Bird of Prey: Kaplowy!
Damar: Hehehehe...
Sisko: Was that necessary?
Dukat: I love a good field test.

O'Brien: I hope I remember how to crumple these just right.
Dukat: Good luck guys. Oh, by the way, we're taking off.
Odo: Buh?
Dukat: Don't worry, I added your names to the commendation list. Now, get off my bridge, "Jodmos" and company!

Transporter: *Shimmer*
Odo: Where'd Dukat go?
Sisko: I don't know. Lets roll.

Sisko: The Hall of Warriors...
Worf: You can smell the blood of many rank Klingons...
Sisko: Let's celebrate... (I wonder if there are any air fresheners in here?)

Bashir: We gotta walk tall, show pride.
Kira (over comm): We need you in the infirmary. The Armstrong and Drake's crew have passed out from the smell of many smelly Klingons.
Jake: Ouch.

Klingon 1: So I says to him, I says to him, If the Federation was so strong, what happened at Wolf 359? And the Tellarite looked at me and said "That isn't a very nice thing to say."
Other Klingons: Oh, hohoho!
Klingon 1: So, I hand him my Bat'leth as an apology. Little did he know, I dulled it! Muahahahahaha!
Other Klingons: Oh, hohoho.
Sisko: Pow, bam, slam! Brag all you want, but don't get between me and the 'Gowron's Creepy Eyes' Cakes!
Other Klingons: Yeah!
Worf: Now we must wait until tomorrow morning. This is an endurance test, to prove just how drunk you can get.
O'Brien: And stay on your feet?
Worf: Nope, just how drunk.

Random Klingon: Chancellor... wait, General Martok!
Other Klingons: Martok, Martok, Martok!
Sisko, O'Brien, Odo, Worf: Wazzap, General?
"Martok": Do I know you?
"Pahash": I am Pahash of the House of Konjah.
"Martok": Your name is not known to me, but your quotations are...
"Pahash": Yours resemble that of a Changelings...
"Martok": No they don't... Uh, bye...
Odo: Now, to crumple this all nice like. Uh, whoops...

Klingon 2: What is this?
Worf: Brother, you found it!
Klingon 2: What is it?
Worf: It, uh, emits Polaron radiation. To uh, smooth foreheads. Yeah, thats it!
Klingon 2: Oh. *Leans in* Your brother is one of the feminine Klingons then?
Worf: Yes, now I'll have that back, or he'll start to cry...
Klingon 2: Take it away, please!

Other Klingons: Gowron, Gowron, Gowron!
Gowron: Now we begin the trial of 'Fearing my Creepy Eyes!' Bow down, and FEAR THEM! Oh, and medals. Whatever.
"Martok": Come on up, "Jodmos"! Come and get your medal.
Gowron: Glory to you, and more importantly, MY EYES!
"Jodmos": You Honor me, and my my house!
"Martok": I don't think so. Beat down, punk! Take that, Sisko!

"Martok": Captain, you stupid, stupid, solid, man...
Sisko: What was that last one?
"Martok": Uh, Gowron's a spy, but you can't prove it.
Worf: Crumple the paper, throw it at him!
"Martok": Gowron lit it on fire with his eyes. Anyways, politicians suck. By that logic, Gowron sucks. By that logic, you rock, and our losses suck. You must kill Gowron, and do it as quickly as possible. As painfully as possible. The SOLID must SUFFER.
Sisko: Ok, lets go then...
Odo: ...

Gowron: Let me take this time to advertise 'Polaron Forehead Smoothers'. Smoother than an androids behind. And Riker's face, coincidentally. Ok, I'm done...

"Martok": Badass fighting skills... Eh gentlemen?
Sisko: Let's go.
Worf: Death to the opposition!
"Martok": Not you, shapeshifter.
Gowron: Klingon brawl!

"Martok": Why aren't they shooting him?
Odo: Why isn't Gowron shooting them?
"Martok": Uh...
Odo: I thought I smelt something besides rank Klingon!

Worf: Die!Die!DIEDIEDIEDIE!
Odo: *Whump* Wait! *Whump* Martoks the changeling!
Sisko's Disruptor: FwamFwamFwam!
Over nine thousand other Distruptors: FwamFwamFwam!!!
"Martok": *Fresh Scented Gak*
Sisko: I knew I smelt Glade plug-in somewhere...

Gowron: So, the Founders gave Odo a whiff of my scent, but altering it to smell good? Hoping to mislead you into thinking I was the Changeling? And the Martok changeling could take over the Empire?
Sisko: Yes.
Gowron: They sorely underestimated Odo. And, my CREEPY EYES!
Worf: Shut up with that joke, and make peace with the Federation!
Gowron: Talk?
Odo: Talk.
Gowron: Talk.
Sisko: Good.
Gowron: You will all be returned to your station, and receive honors for helping the Empire. Except you, Worf. You get a face full of glass.

Bashir: There you go, Captain.
Sisko: One day, I'll want you to make me an Orion slave girl.
Bashir: What about you, Odo?
Odo: Well, there are some improvements I was hoping to talk to you about.
Sisko: Take him away, Julian. And never file a report about those improvements.

(Sisko shudders at Ludicrous speed.)

[LtFielding]

The site is not dead, it's a zombie. :)

Seriously, I wonder if the simple logical progression of "people complain about the site" => "the site really does die because Zeke stays away forever" is really failing to register on everyone's minds. Would everybody stop poking this particular anthill with sticks all the time, PLEASE!

A zombie is technichly dead. Trust, me I study this stuff.

[Chancellor Valium]

Gowron: Glory to you, and more importantly, MY EYES!

Heheheheh

[Derek]

I suppose I should make an appearance if people are writing DS9 fivers.

Hi, I'm Derek. I'm the head of the 5MD section. Technically, you should email me and ask me if you can write a fiver. Then I should say yes or no, then you write your draft, send it to me, I send it back to you with comments, you send it back to me for review, repeat as necessary, then we say it's okay and I send it to Zeke on your behalf when it will be published "soon".

You didn't email me, but honestly if you had I don't know how quickly I would've responded. And there are other people waiting for me to review their stuff. I've sort of taken an unannounced sabbatical from my duties. One day there will probably be a jubilee but I think there are still seven sevens left to go. (Sorry, Nate.)

In spite of all that, I think the publishing of fivers on the forums is still frowned on. Zeke can correct me if I'm wrong.

[Billy9]

I had no intentions on submitting it or anything, I just wrote one for the fun of it. I didn't know that I was breaking any rules. Sorry.

[PointyHairedJedi]

Eh, don't sweat it. If you had fun writing it, that's all that really matters.

If I may critique a little - there's a lot of fat on it as it stands, but it's a good fiver, and suitably trimmed down will make for some great chops, sausages, and bacon. By the by, have I mentioned that we've had a new litter of piglets in the last week?








Mmmm, piglets.

[Nate the Great]

Hi, Derek! You're not dead afterall! :)

Yes, we've covered this in the 5MSG section. People really do need to say "Alternate Five-Minute Whatever" to signify that these things (which I've already named altvers) are unofficial and you will never claim that they'll be posted in the real site.

[PointyHairedJedi]

(which I've already named altvers)
I'm shocked, I say, shocked! :p

[Nate the Great]

(Bemused glare at PHJ)

Comver
Fivie
Altver
Dicer
Cocomver

So I'm egotistical, and I like inventing words. What else is new? I'm just being Nate. :cool:

[PointyHairedJedi]

Your Nate-ness amused me, that's all. You have my permission to continue.

[Chancellor Valium]

Hi, Derek! You're not dead afterall! :)


Only by one letter.

You lot are getting soft...

[PointyHairedJedi]

It's the wet season here, and a mud is starting to seep into my brain. So there's my excuse.

[catalina_marina]

Rain season? You're in the UK. Isn't every season rain season?

[Nate the Great]

Reminds me of the old gag "There are only two seasons in Minnesota: winter and road construction."

[PointyHairedJedi]

Ah yes, Minnesota, or as I like to refer to it, Snowland Junior (Snowland being of course, Canada).

[Wowbagger]

Reminds me of the old gag "There are only two seasons in Minnesota: winter and road construction."

Funny. I always heard that joke as "winter and deep winter." That was is funnier, and has the advantage of being true.

[Wowbagger]

Reminds me of the old gag "There are only two seasons in Minnesota: winter and road construction."

Funny. I always heard that joke as "winter and deep winter." That was is funnier, and has the advantage of being true.

Anyhow, I loved the fiver. I've always been one for longer fivers--although Derek really shaped up my one DS9 fiver ("Battle Lines") into a much better work. I've never bought into the whole "altver" thing, but everyone else does, so I follow the rule, but I consider that as "canon" as anything else, given that there's no actual publishing going on. Some favorite lines:

Last time on Star Trek DS9:
Big Dominion Fleet: Hi
Odo's Shapeshifting Powers: Bye
Chancellor Gowron: Die!

It rhymes!

Worf: Where are they? I ordered my Gagh and Bloodwine hours ago!
O'Brien: Mabye the Klingons intercepted them? You know how deadly the Pizza Delivery route from Earth to Bajor is.

Like the Porthos-as-chili joke, this one cracked me up for absolutely no good reason.

Sisko: We need to infiltrate the most heavily defended sector in Klingon space, evade the Yan-Isleth, and somehow test Gowron to see if he is a shapeshifter. Any ideas?
Worf: Death to the opposition!

Appropriate quoting is the real way to my heart. (And cross-fiver references are the greatest things in the history of ever... but I am coming to that.)

Bashir: What are they?
Jadzi: Crumpled up pieces of paper.

Kira: How will you get there?
Sisko: I'll have to call in all my favors. It will use up every single resource I have on Cardassia.
O'Brien: What?

Just watched this episode. The "What?" from O'Brien makes the joke, though.

Dukat: My spoon is detecting a temporal anomaly...
Kira: Aha, that's what that does!

Paneldemonium, Part 6.

I fell over.

(My sister and I make jokes about spoons and tricoders to this day.)

O'Brien: I hope I remember how to crumple these just right.

"Martok": Your name is not known to me, but your quotations are...
"Pahash": Yours resemble that of a Changelings...
"Martok": No they don't... Uh, bye...

Does my laughing at this merely make me a simpleton who loves meta-refs? Probably.

Gowron: Now we begin the trial of 'Fearing my Creepy Eyes!' Bow down, and FEAR THEM! Oh, and medals. Whatever.

...and all the other creepy eyes jokes. They never stopped making me laugh.

"Martok": Gowron lit it on fire with his eyes. Anyways, politicians suck. By that logic, Gowron sucks. By that logic, you rock, and our losses suck. You must kill Gowron, and do it as quickly as possible. As painfully as possible. The SOLID must SUFFER.
Sisko: Ok, lets go then...
Odo: ...

Again with the contemptuous silence.

No idea what happened in the last scene.

Also, it great to see someone from forever ago come out of the shadows. I enjoyed it, and I hope you'll submit it to Derek sometime--I'm sure you'll be forgiven for violating this (silly) taboo given that it's your first time.

[Nate the Great]

I do NOT think that "winter and deep winter" is funny. Our autumns are absolutely fantastic.

I think it's absolutely great that the creepy eyes gag never gets old. Ever.

[Wowbagger]

I'm sorry; what I meant by that was that yours was funnier and more true. I think the deep winter one is stupid, and will be using your joke from now on.

[Nate the Great]

Well, I hope so. Besides, it's not mine anyway. It's as old as our winters are cold or our summers are hot.