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Five-Minute "Jaynestown"

by Jade

Kaylee: Say something rude.
Simon: No.
Kaylee: Please? For me?
Simon: No.
Kaylee: What about for Inara, as she embarks on one of her, um, missions?
Simon: No!
Kaylee: $%^&*!
Simon: Indeed.

Jayne: Look how I messed up your infirmary!
Simon: آ#Dz!
Kaylee: Hey! How come you'll do it for him and not for me? And it's all fancy symbols. You even squared it!
Mal: Jayne, what exactly are you doing?
Jayne: Taping my weapon to my waist. See, last time I went to Canton I got really drunk and started singing Monkees songs. Stuff like that tends to rile folks up a tad.
Mal: That's nice. Now pull the tape off so I can rejoice in your pain.
Jayne: &?#! Mal, you sadist!
Simon: Jayne, I didn't know you knew any mathematical symbols!
Jayne: Yeah. They're pretty. But OW!

Mal: Welcome to the Bog of Eternal Stench.
Kaylee: Mal, make Simon come with us. He needs to be punished for not swearing.
Mal: Sure. Now Simon: You have to pretend to this guy that you want to buy some mud pies.
Simon: Mud pies?
Mal: Well, yeah. See, on this planet, instead of making mud pies for fun and selling lemonade for money, they do it the other way around.
Simon: So why can't we just ignore this mud pie seller guy?
Mal: Because if we do that he'll go running to the magistrate and have him set a vengeful prisoner on us.
Simon: Ah.

Simon: Hi! I'm interested in mud pies.
Foreman: Excellent! I'll show you around. Now, this is Joey; he gets the mud. This is Timmy; he takes the mud and moulds it into pie shapes. This is Sammy; he puts little bits of straw on top for decoration. This is Kenny; he --
Wash: D'you think he'd notice if we ran away now?
Mal: Hmm... nah. Let's split, gang!

Mal: Hey look, a statue of Jayne!
Kaylee: That can't be Jayne. His hair is too... mullet-like.
Jayne: Um, yeah. Can we go now?
Mal: No. I think we should just stand here, making joke...
Simon: ...after joke...
Wash: ...after joke!
Jayne: Geez, why don't ya just invite the statue to dinner an' all while you're at it?

Higgins: Hi! I'll be your head villain for the evening.
Inara: Nice to meet you. And please know that I didn't actually mean that.

River: I'm fixing your Bible by marking it with a lot of red pen. Okay?
Book: No!
River: Then how's about we play tug of war with some of these pages I've torn out?
Book: Hmm... okay.

Wash: Eurgh, alcohol!
Jayne: Eurgh, a kid!
Well-Dressed Guy: Hi! I've come to further the plot by telling you the guy you're waiting died gruesomely and you'll have to dig up the stolen goods yourselves, thereby running the risk of also dying gruesomely.
Mal: Eurgh.

Mudders: We thought heroes only came in fairy tales! Meant for someone else but not for us! 'Verse was out to get us! That's the way it seemed! Disappointment haunted all our dreeeeeeams... Then we saw Jayne's face! Now we are believers! Not a trace... of doubt in our minds...
Jayne: What the &?#?
Kaylee: Wow. You got them hooked on the Monkees. They even wrote you your own filk!
Simon: Now that is just evil.

Book: She asks me why... I'm just a hairy guy... I'm hairy noon and night... hair that's a fright!
River: Aaah!
Book: Hey! I didn't mean literally...

Jayne: We have to leave before they start singing "Last Train To Jaynesville".
Mal: Good plan. Let's climb these steps and... walk into a big crowd of mudders.
Mudders: Take the last train to Jaynestown and we'll meet you by the exit...
Jayne: Aaaaah!

Bartender: We're just tryin' to be friendly, come and watch us sing and play!
Jayne: Er...
Bartender: There'll be alcohol for you, O Mighty Jayne.
Jayne: Hmm... okay!

Higgins: Hi! What are you doing?
Inara: Making tea. Earl Grey. Hot.
Higgins: Pah! Would you sleep with my son already? Tea is for wimps.
Inara: And I bet you're one of those people who think bald guys can't be sexy. Now leave; I can't keep up this big fake smile for much longer.

Simon: We would be cute together.
Kaylee: Yeah. Like hamsters.
Simon: ...Huh?
Kaylee: When I get drunk I talk about hamsters. Deal with it. At least I'm not going on about pie...

River: I'm hiding from the hair.
Book: Oh, come on... it's not that bad, is it?
Zoe: Dude, you look like Doc Brown.
Book: Ah. You don't like him because he risked his dog to test his time machine.
Zoe: Um... yeah.

Wash: I'm drunk.
Mal: Tomorrow is Jayne Day!
Zoe: And I can't decide which of those things is worse...

Inara: Now Fess, repeat after me: My father is evil.
Fess: My father is evil.
Inara: I will go against his will.
Fess: I will go against his will.
Inara: I will drink lots of Earl Grey tea just to annoy him.
Fess: I will drink lots of Earl Grey tea just to annoy him. Is this sex, then?
Inara: Um, sure. Now: I will wear tight pants...

Mudder: And it's love we bring, 'cause you're Jayne, and we love you...
Jayne: Aww... Brings a tear to my eye, that does!
Mudder Woman: And a woman to your arm.
Jayne: Shiny!

Foreman: Some bad people tricked me into thinking they wanted to buy a mud pie! And they brought Jayne back with them!
Higgins: Well, he did say he'd be back, didn't he?
Foreman: Um, no, actually. That was the other big, muscular man. The one with the funny accent?
Higgins: Ah yes, my fellow politician. I remember now. Still, this mud pie thing is a terrible crime! And I know just the prisoner to exact the punishment...

Stitch: Grrr!
Higgins: There's my boy! Now go kill Jayne!
Stitch: Okie-dokie.

Jayne: Then I saw my face! Now I'm a believer!
Simon: Woo, time for my bi-weekly accidental offending of Kaylee.
Kaylee: Gasp! You $%^&*!
Mal: Um, yeah. Jayne, here boy! Come on now, heel!
Jayne: Okie-dokie.

Higgins: Fess, here boy!
Fess: But Daaad, I'm with a girl!
Higgins: Fess, heel!
Fess: Sigh...

Jayne: I'm so cool.
Mal: Um, yeah. Now, go provide a distraction by signing autographs while we do illegal stuff.
Jayne: Okay.
Zoe: Um, Mal? You do realize that Jayne still writes some letters the wrong way 'round? When he writes his name it looks like "Layne Codd."
Mal: Hey, stuff like that is cute. Trust me.

Mal: Woo, boxes of stolen goods. And they're mine, ALL MINE! MWAHAHAHAHA!

Inara: Mal is such a !$%^&*~....
Fess: You know Jayne? Could you tell him how great I think he is? And get me an autograph? Could you have him sign my underwear?
Inara: Er...

Stitch: Grrr!
Simon: Eek!

Mudders: Woo, you rock! We saw your face! We're believers!
Jayne: Um, yeah. Same to you.

Stitch: Grrr!
Simon: Ow...
Jayne: Grrr!
Stitch: Master betrayed us!
Stitch's Gun: BANG!
Mudder: GAK!
Jayne's Knife: Swoosh!
Stitch: Grrr... GAK!
Jayne: Wow... I really suck!
Mudders: Nah.

Wash: Hey, how come we were landlocked one moment and not the next?
Inara: It involved a pair of Y-fronts and me faking Jayne's autograph. I really don't want to say any more.

Higgins: Anakin, you've grown up. You fiend!
Fess: My name's Fess, dad.
Higgins: I knew that!

Kaylee: We're cute. Can we get together yet?
Simon: No.
Kaylee: $%^&*!
Simon: You could tease me mercilessly, though, if you like.
Kaylee: Hmm... yeah, okay.

Jayne: I suck. Mudders suck.
Mal: Who cares?
(The Jayne Song plays at Ludicrously Slow Speed)

THE END

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This fiver was originally published on October 4, 2005.

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All material © 2005, Josephina Delahaye.