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Five-Minute Final Fantasy

by SimonBob

SimonBob: Okay, let's get one thing clear. This fiver is in no way related to 8-Bit Theatre, despite the fact that it uses the same content (ie. Final Fantasy for the Nintendo Entertainment System) for its humour.
Fighter: I like swords.
SimonBob: Just for that, none of you are in the fiver.

King: You must save my daughter from Garland! They're up north in the Temple of Fiends.
Generic Light Warrior: Okay, someone put "Rescue chick from Christmas decoration" on the "To Do" list.

Garland: MWA HA HA HA! I am brimming with evil cosmic power!
Generic Light Warrior: Sure you are. (WHAP)
Garland: Owww! Four on one isn't fair! And you didn't give me a chance to stretch first!

Princess Sara: Here, have a lute.
Generic Light Warrior: Um, thanks...?

Generic Light Warrior: Cool, a bridge.
(Credits roll)
Generic Light Warrior: AAAAAH! How can it be over? There wasn't any development! I'll sue the company! ...Oh, wait, there really is more. (ahem) Moving on....

Bikke the Pirate: Get 'em, lads! Arr!
Generic Light Warrior: So you're just going to send your cronies, instead of fighting us yourself? What a wuss.
Bikke the Pirate: Aye, I was playin' the number puzzle in the ship when me crew was fightin' Sahags..

Elf: Help! Our prince is cursed with sleep, and refuses to wake!
Generic Light Warrior: Hey, I'll bet we could market that to university students, and that'd be the end of our fighting-for-GP days!
Elf: The Dark Elf already cornered the market on that.
Generic Light Warrior: DEATH TO THE DARK ELF!

Dark Elf: Get my crown, then we'll talk.
(Time passes)
Dark Elf: You're back with my crown? Good! I'll kill you now, since you're weakened from the cave!
Generic Light Warrior: What, you think we wouldn't use the Inn first? BAHAHAHAHAHA Die.

Elf Prince: Oh, I'm awake! Tra la la! It feels so good to see the sun, smell the grass, feel the trees....
Generic Light Warrior: Wow, he really is a prince, isn't he?
Elf: You have no idea.

Dwarf: Lali-ho!
Generic Light Warrior: Wrong game, doofus.
Dwarf: Oh, right. Um... Ding!
Generic Light Warrior: "Ding?"
Dwarf: Shut up or I'll TNT you instead of the canal.

Vampire: I vant to suck your blooood!
Generic Light Warrior: One! One soon-to-be-dead boss! Ah ha ha ha ha! (uses LIT2)

Lich: Pop quiz, Light Warriors: How do you kill someone who's already dead?
Generic Light Warrior: With FAST and HARM and some decent weapons.
Lich: I hate it when heroes are right.

Sages: We're going to gradually reveal a little more information to you every time you stop by.
Generic Light Warrior: Tell us NOW or we'll chop you up.
Sages: Then we won't give you our Canoe.
Other Generic Light Warrior: Apologize to the nice sage, Mr. Pushy.

Generic Light Warrior: Well, now we know where Mike Judge got his inspiration.
Other Generic Light Warrior: It was pretty handy that the whole volcano was filled with ice weapons!

Generic Light Warrior: Hey, this airship is pretty tangy! Full speed ahead! Fire the cannons!
Other Generic Light Warrior: We don't have cannons.
Generic Light Warrior: Then what good is this bucket of gears?

Bahamut: Bring me back the Rat's Tail from the Castle of Ordeals and I'll upgrade your class.
Generic Light Warrior: What would a dragon want with a stupid rat's tail?
Dragon: Look, he's an 800-year-old monarch who hasn't been outside the throne room in over two decades. Just do what he says before he eats you.

Mysterious Caravan Dealer: Care to buy this bottle? Only 50,000 GP!
Generic Light Warrior: Wow, what a bargain!
Fairy: Hurrah, I'm free!
Generic Light Warrior: Wait! Come back! You have to restore our hearts first!
Other Generic Light Warrior: Dude, that's only in The Legend of Zelda.

Generic Light Warrior: I'll use LIT3 on the Kraken!
Kraken: Wait! If you do that, it'll electrify the water and you'll all get zapped too!
Generic Light Warrior: Too late, I've already charged it up. (ZAP) ...Hey, that didn't hurt us at all.
Kraken: Dammit! I had you going, too.

Generic Light Warrior: What is this, the "references to webcomics" fiver? First 8-Bit, now Adventurers...

Tiamat: Woosh! I'm the wind!
Generic Light Warrior: Do you turn into a sword?
Tiamat: No, should I?
Generic Light Warrior: Just checking. Last time someone said they were the wind, we suddenly had to go back 65 million years to get some kind of red rock.

Sages: The fiends have been defeated... but the earth still rots?
Generic Light Warrior: Could you be a little less vague, please?

Generic Light Warrior: Oh, I get it. When we defeated Garland, it sent him back in time 2000 years, where he revived the Fiends and sent them forward in time.
Other Generic Light Warrior: Except he took away most of their powers so that they could get their butts kicked by us and give us the levels we need to finish this final bit.
Garland: Do you mind? I'm trying to summon Chaos here!

Generic Light Warrior: Well, the world has been saved... except that according to the ending, we get to do it all over again and again because of the time-loop thingy.
Other Generic Light Warrior: Maybe it's a subliminal message to make players reach for the Reset switch and play again?
Generic Light Warrior: Screw that! I'm goin' back to Elfheim to see those elf-babes again. Rrrowr!
(The Airship takes off at Ludicrous Speed)


Got a comment on this guest fiver? Contact the author, SimonBob.

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This fiver was originally published on January 13, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Squaresoft, but seeing as NES is no longer the major gaming platform, I doubt they'll be beating down my door. Too bad, that might have been interesting to watch.

All material © 2002, Kevin Williams, except the disclaimer because "Mr. Pushy" already wrote one for Squaresoft games.