How to Debate an Exploding Candidate 2: I Don't Wanna Explode
by Zeke
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Warning: Full spoilers for Heroes. Surprisingly, no real spoilers for the election this is "about", even though it was written eight years later. As for offensive content, remember in the last one when a dude waterboarded himself to make a point? I didn't TRY to go that far again, but I didn't try NOT to either.
The colours are to make this thing easier to read. You can turn them off. |
Mohinder: I can't believe I'm back here. Sylar: Me neither. Didn't you die? Mohinder: *glare* Sylar: You know, in that Heroes Reborn thing. You exploded, right? Mohinder: No! Sylar: And then a stadium collapsed on you. That must have hurt. Mohinder: You have no ide-- I mean no! Sylar: And later there was someone impersonating you, and the real you didn't do anything about it. That pretty much clinches it. You're dea-- Mohinder: Enough! I will not have events in that series used against me by someone who didn't even bother showing up for it! Sylar: How do you know? I can shapeshift. Maybe one of the new characters was really me. Maybe all the new characters were really me. Mohinder: Anyway, there was no body. It was left ambiguous. A lot of things were, as you probably noticed. Sylar: Nope. Mohinder: But you watched -- Sylar: Just the part where you blew up. Mohinder: I did not blow up! Sylar: It was must-see TV. Mohinder: There was no body! When has anyone we know ever really been dead when there was no body? Sometimes they're not dead even when there is a body! Sylar: So why didn't they show you surviving? Mohinder: It was a cliffhanger! I wasn't the only one, you know. Hiro, Parkman... our fates were left up in the air. Literally, in Matt's case. Sylar: Now you're just being silly. Cliffhangers are for continuing shows. Mohinder: Apparently the network thought that was a possibility. Does that bother you, Sylar? The idea that you might not be indispensable? That you were never as important as you thought? Just a small and petty killer that the rest of us can do just fine witho-- Sylar: You didn't, though. The show wasn't renewed. Mohinder: ...Well, there are more important things in life. Sylar: That's true. There's your health, for instance. Mohinder: I'm done listening to this. Congratulations, Sylar. You have successfully made me want to begin this bad joke of an event. Sylar: I aim to please. Mohinder: (ahem) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the first debate of the 2016 presidential election. As you know, there has been a dramatic change to our political system. Sylar: Ours? Did you ever actually move here? Mohinder: Practically speaking, it's the whole world's election, most of us just can't vote in it. Anyway, America has recently abandoned both the Democratic and Republican parties in favour of someone much more popular: comic book characters. Sylar: The comic industry would, of course, blow up right after our show got cancelled. Mohinder: Right? We were a four-year love letter to comics! Where was this superhero-mania then? Sylar: There's even been a Watchmen show now that was some kind of barely-connected sequel thing! Mohinder: We ripped off Watchmen wholesale in our first season! Watch that! It's more accurate! Sylar: Are we even on Netflix?! (Pause.) Mohinder: So getting back on topic, the two major parties are now Marvel and DC, and we have with us the leading candidates from both. Sylar: It remains to be seen if there'll be a Dark Horse candidate. Mohinder: We'll begin with a round of introductions. First, on the DC side, we have former reporter Lois Lane... Lois: Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter! Sylar: Wasn't that for an article whose key argument you later disavo-- Lois: Pulitzer Prize-winning. Mohinder: We also have with us her leading opponent, superhero and former mayor Oliver Queen. Oliver: Thanks for the intro, kid. Hey, got a light? Mohinder: Sorry, this is a no-smoking area. Oliver: Fascism! Sylar: Over on the Marvel side, three candidates met the threshold for admission. First we have Steve Rogers, better known as Captain America. Cap: Thanks, Gabriel. Happy to be here. Even with him. Sylar: Running roughly equal in the polls, we have Tony Stark, better known as Iron Man... Tony: Pleased to meet you. Even if he's here too. Sylar: Uh, something going on between you two? Mohinder: Are you that behind on the news, Sylar? Mr. Stark and Mr. Rogers are currently engaged in what they're calling a Civil War. Tony: Because this self-righteous jerk thinks he shouldn't be accountable for his actions. Cap: And this technocratic brat thinks he knows what's best for everyone! Tony: Old-timer! Cap: Thumb-sucker! (This goes on.) Sylar: Doesn't look very civil to me. Mohinder: Puns aside, it really isn't a very accurate name. The Avengers aren't a government, they don't own territory, and they're not even a factor in this "comic companies as political parties" shtick we're trying to do. Cap: Well, we disagree on that too! We disagree on everything! Tony: This pinko thinks the defense budget should be capped at 52% of GDP! Cap: See? Case in point! This maniac wants 54%! It's the military-industrial complex gone mad! Mohinder: And our third Marvel candidate... Tony: (pause) Do we have to acknowledge he's here? Mohinder: He's outpolling you both by ten points. Tony: I have a theory -- just a theory, mind you -- that your bank account might see an anonymous million-dollar deposit if you just ignored him. Sylar: Nah, no good. It's too late to get rid of the extra podium. Mohinder: The third Marvel candidate is Wade Wilson, better known as -- Deadpool: Deadpool! Captain Deadpool if you're nasty. And I know you're nasty. Yes, you. All five of you reading this. Cap: (face in hands) In his first line he breaks the fourth wall. This is going to be a long debate. Sylar: In fairness, it would've been long no matter what. Why do we have both parties before they've been narrowed down to a single nominee? This isn't how it works in real life. Mohinder: Well, it'll help that we're not doing audience questions this time. If history is any guide, that'll reduce not only the length of the debate, but the number of gunshot wounds and the probability of a slasher getting the microphone. (They both shudder.) Oliver: Sounds like we missed a good time. Sylar: Eh, debatable. ...Was that too on-the-nose? Mohinder: At least the organizers listened to one complaint I had. This time we'll be asking some of the questions to every candidate in turn, which will help viewers compare the parties more directly. Sylar: (muttering) Nobody ever listens to my complaints. Mohinder: You said, and I quote, "The next one should take place inside a giant clock." Sylar: Would that have been so unreasonable? Mohinder: Apparently not! They did it! We're in one! The acoustics are terrible! Sylar: Yeah, but what good is it if the readers can't tell? Besides, these giant gears aren't even turning. Deadpool: That's what happens when you jump into the painting when the minute hand is on the 12! Mohinder: Huh? Deadpool: If you don't get it, ask someone else. I never explain my references. Mohinder: Congratulations, everyone. I think my headache has actually started slightly earlier this time. Sylar: Sounds like our cue to get started! |
QUESTION 1 Mohinder: Our first question for all the candidates is the most basic: "Why should Americans vote for you?" We'll be giving you each three minutes to make a simple case. Sylar: And I'll be taking back two and a half of them. Mohinder: What? Sylar: I eat time. It's a power. Mohinder: Oh, come o-- Sylar: (Do you want to hear them talk for three minutes?) Mohinder: ...Well, we can't let my co-host starve, can we? Thirty seconds it is. We'll begin with Ms. Lane. Lois: Thanks, Mohinder. Listen up, America: I am a woman. (long pause) Mohinder: You still have 25 seconds. Lois: For what? Mohinder: The question was why Americans should vote for you. Lois: And I answered. (long pause) Lois: Oh, adjectives! You're right, I can add some adjectives. America, I am a talented, qualified, sophisticated, young, vivacious, tough-as-nails -- Timer: DING Lois: There, how was that? Mohinder: (shrug) It was your 30 seconds to spend, I suppose. Sylar: Did I hear "young" in there? Lois: That's right! I'm a hip, with-it career woman played by Amy Adams who's in touch with the kids of today! Sylar: ...Ms. Lane, you're aware that we can see you, right? Lois: Right. So? Sylar: So you're not the Amy Adams Lois. You're not even the Erica Durance or Teri Hatcher Lois. You are definitely the Margot Kidder Lois. Lois: Well, that's young enough. Sylar: And we're not even talking Margot Kidder in Superman IV here. You look to me like the current Margot Kidder, who, to save our viewers the Google search, is 67 as of this 2016 debate. Lois: Oh, fine! So what? Sylar: Just seems pointless to fight that. I'd lean into it. When I'm 80, I'll definitely be all "not only can I kick your ass, I can do it while being 80." Mohinder: You may be a bad example. If you still have Claire's power, you won't be aging from now on. Lois: (opens her mouth) Mohinder: A power which, by the way, is not transferable even in part since we've all agreed to forget about the magic blood transfusion thing. Lois: (closes it) Sylar: Maybe I'll look into giving up that power someday. Immortality is supposed to be depressing. Mohinder: And you want to be Jigsaw. Sylar: I really wanna be Jigsaw. Lois: None of this is relevant to me! You're a villain! Sylar: Haven't been in politics long, huh? Mohinder: Let's continue. Mr. Queen, you're next. Why should Americans vote for you? Oliver: My aim is true, fellow citizens! I grew up rich and spoiled, but I gave all that up when I suddenly realized the absolute correctness of 1960s leftism. My buddy Hal and I went on a road trip to discover America. Turned out it was right here! So here I am, with experience as both a superhero and mayor of Star City, played by the undeniably smoldering Stephen Amell, and ready to bring my energy and marksmanship to the challenges of our whole nation! Also Hawkeye sucks. Sylar: That was pretty well-rehearsed. How'd you know you would only get 30 seconds? Oliver: I didn't. My original speech just keeps insulting Hawkeye after that. Mohinder: Mr. Queen, a follow-up... you know we can see you, right? Oliver: Right. So? Mohinder: So you're not Stephen Amell. You're not even the standard comic book Green Arrow. You are definitely the kooky old Green Arrow from The Dark Knight Returns. You're bald, you're missing an arm... Oliver: But look how vigorous I still am! Sylar: You know, fair play on that. You're hanging in there. Oliver: Government work is a lot less strenuous than crimefighting. I could probably keep doing this another decade or six. Sylar: You might find the presidency harder. That job is famous for how much it ages people. Oliver: Then I'll die in office and let one of my sidekicks take over! I have so many sidekicks, Gabriel. Even my fans can't remember all their names. Mohinder: Er, speaking of which... did you just give away Green Lantern's real first name on live TV? Oliver: Pssh, I'll give the whole thing away. Hal Jordan. There ya go. He'll fix it later. Sylar: Fix it? Oliver: Wipe everybody's minds to forget who he is. He does that sorta thing all the time. He did it for Wally once when his identity had been public for years. Mohinder: That's... sort of an outrage, isn't it? Oliver: Only until you forget I told you about it. Mohinder: *tilts head* Sylar: Let's keep going. Mr. Rogers, you're next. Cap: Men and women of America, we face an uncertain future. These are tough times, no question. I'm not claiming any special expertise, but I can tell you I love this country and its people. I promise you this: if elected, I will put everything I have into ridding our nation of this smug tin-suited bastard once and for all. Thank you. Mohinder: That promise is a little specific, don't you think? Cap: There are other issues, sure, but I wanted to stick to what's really important. Sylar: I think I see where this is going. Mr. Stark? Tony: Folks, this is a time for choosing! It's morning in America, and we all need to ask not what our country can do for us, but what we can do for our country. Now I know what you're thinking: wasn't that just a bunch of famous political lines from the past few decades? Yes. But you know who had no idea? This defrosted caveman over here. Let's elect somebody who's not fresh off the temporal boat. Thank you. Cap: Oh, real fair. Tony: Fair's not the priority. Cap: I got frozen saving this country! Tony: You want a medal? 'Cause we gave you one when you woke up! That doesn't fix the 70-year gap in your resume! Whistle: FWEET (Cap and Tony turn to look. It was Mohinder with an actual referee's whistle.) Mohinder: I wasn't sure at the time why they were giving me this, but it makes sense now. Sylar: Mr. Stark, your pitch also seemed rather... targeted. Didn't you think you should include some positive points in your favour? Tony: Nah, it'd be redundant. As long as they don't vote for Steve, they'll vote for me. What's the alternative, DC? This year? Sylar: We do have one more -- Cap: No we don't. Sylar: Yes we -- Tony: Two million bucks. Just a theory. Mohinder: Mr. Wilson, please proceed. (Cap and Tony sigh) Deadpool: Thanks, Mo. Okay, America! Listen close! This is veeery important. (He leans forward) Deadpool: Have I got all your attention? Listen very... very... closely. (Even farther forward) Deadpool: You just lost The Game. Sylar: Oh, goddammit! Deadpool: But seriously, vote for me! I'm gonna grate America! Mohinder: You mean make America great? Deadpool: *whips out a cheese grater* Mohinder: Uh... Deadpool: *makes sawing motion* Mohinder: Do you think we should take that away from him? Sylar: Six years! Six years I managed to avoid thinking about that! And now he ruins it! Mohinder: Oh, whatever. ...Wait, how do you know the exact length of time? Isn't it impossible to keep track of how long you don't think about something? Sylar: I have a power where small parts of my brain can be semi-autonomous and know things the main brain doesn't. It's really only useful for this one thing. Deadpool: *starts grating the side of his podium* Mohinder: Well, that's one question down, and very little substance achieved. At this rate, we may manage not to learn a single thing by the end of the night. Sylar: Fingers crossed! |
QUESTION 2 Mohinder: The next question is a bit more free-form: What do you consider to be the biggest issue facing America right now, and how would you address it? Sylar: For the purposes of this question, pretend polls don't exist. Mohinder: ...What? Sylar: Because we all know they would really address any given problem by seeing what's polling well first. Mohinder: I would tell you to shut up because you're being stupid, but I think you may have a point. So instead I'll tell you to shut up just for being you. Sylar: Aw, and here I thought we were getting along better. Mohinder: You killed my father. Sylar: One time! Just one! And you still bring it up every time we hang out! Mohinder: (closes his eyes and counts to 10) Cap: I'm sure there's some kind of misunderstanding here. Tony: Oh, why am I not surprised! Do you have a past with this dad-killer too? Cap: Use your head, Tony. This is an official presidential debate. There's no way they'd hire a murderer as one of the hosts! Right, Mr. Gray? (Everyone looks at Sylar.) Sylar: ...Awkward. Cap: Really? Mohinder: Yes, really. My co-moderator is a prolific serial killer. They didn't tell you that? Oliver: All we got was your names! And a pronunciation guide for yours. Sylar: I guess it kind of makes sense. These people are all fictional in our universe, but we don't exist at all in theirs. Mohinder: That's only half an explanation. They do seem to know about each other's universes. And they were given our names, so what was stopping the organizers from telling them more? Sylar: Maybe the goal was just to produce this awkward moment. Mohinder: Possible! I wonder what other secrets may have been kept fro-- (A couple of the candidates clear their throats.) Mohinder: Sorry, we shouldn't get distracted. Ms. Lane, what issue would you like to discuss? Lois: It was going to be climate change, but now I want to know what he means about us being fictional! (The others nod emphatically.) Mohinder: Um... Sylar: No no, you misheard me. I said you were, uh... Mohinder: Functional! Sylar: Yes! Your bodies work correctly. Lois: Ah. All right then. Oliver: You believe them?! Lois: Do you have any idea how many universes Superman has taken me to? Proper body operation is not guaranteed. The worst part is, because he's Superman, he can't always tell in advance. Oliver: ...Yeah, now that you mention it, the JLA's trip to the Hyper-Gravity Dimension was a lot less fun than he thought it would be. Tony: Thor does that too. It helps to wear armour on trips like that. Highly recommended. (As the heroes compare notes, Mohinder relaxes.) Mohinder: Whew. That could have been troubleso-- (He stops. Deadpool is suddenly in front of their table.) Deadpool: It's okay. I won't tell. Mohinder: ...Tell what? Deadpool: Please. I know eeeeeverything. I know stuff you don't. Mohinder: Right. The... fourth wall thing. But you won't tell? Deadpool: Not a word. And all for the low low price of a hundred bucks! (Mohinder sighs and gets out his wallet.) Sylar: So you know your nature and it doesn't bother you? Deadpool: Nope! That would be a serious reaction. I'm not doing serious today. Certain people think I only work as a comedic character. Mohinder: (hands him the money) Here. Now please go back to the stage. Deadpool: Dude, I was kidding. Have a little self-respect. Mohinder: I show less self-respect the closer I am to a heavily-armed assassin. But in that ca-- hey! Deadpool: (taking off with the money) Too late! Now it's the price of a lesson in standing up for yourself. Mohinder: ...How is he leading in the polls? |
QUESTION 2, TAKE 2 Mohinder: All right, let's try this again. Ms. Lane, what is the biggest issue America is facing and how would you handle it? Lois: Well, Mohinder, there are many to choose from. Instability and conflicts around the globe, insufficient funding for important programs, the fact that Marvel is just crushing DC at the box office... (Cap and Tony can't hold back a smirk.) Lois: Sure, laugh it up! It's still not a good thing! Balance is important for the health of the nation and the comics industry! Oliver: (shrug) We're doing pretty good on TV. Lois: It's not the same. But there's no escaping the fact that one problem truly dwarfs all the others. Deadpool: Dwarfs? We have a dwarf problem? Lois: No -- Deadpool: Oh God, how can we possibly stop them? Doc is a genius! Lois: It's climate change! We have to fight climate change. The climate needs to stay exactly as it is. Otherwise the sea levels will rise, the ozone layer will catch fire, and we're basically all dead in 12 years. Sylar: That sounds familiar. Didn't somebody say it a few years ago? Lois: Every time you idiots don't listen, we have to reset the clock. It's like one of those "X days without an accident" signs. Mohinder: So what would you do to address the problem, Ms. Lane? Lois: Oh, I'll just get Superman to push the Earth into a slightly farther orbit. Mohinder: Can't he do that whether you're elected or not? Lois: (blink) Wait, that's right. I can ask him to do things no matter what happens. I'm not using this connection to its full potential, am I? Mohinder: Uh... Lois: What I should be saying is that if you don't elect me, I'll get Superman to push Earth closer to the sun! Sylar: (to Mohinder) Brilliant. A masterful performance. I can really see how you got your PhD. Mohinder: How was I supposed to predict this?! Lois: People of Earth! Nice climate you've got there! Be a shame if -- Oliver: Really, lady? You're gonna slip into supervillainy just like that? Lois: ...Oh. This is supervillain talk, isn't it? Oliver: I've heard at least two of those exact sentences from Doctor Polaris. Lois: Sorry. I just get so frustrated at the sheer stupidity of the public. Why can't they see that we know what's best for them? Sylar: (Maybe she's a more natural politician than I thought.) Mohinder: (She was already a journalist. It's a lateral move.) Oliver: Anyway, there's no point trying to get Supes to fix this one for us. I've been bugging him about my causes for years. He always says he can't go around solving real-world problems or it'll cause a disconnect for the readers. Lois: What a hypocrite! Back in World War II he literally manhandled Hitler! Cap: Him too? Huh. Guess we missed each other. Mohinder: Mr. Queen, since you've brought up your causes, why don't you tell us the biggest one and how you would address it? Oliver: Inequality, that's what! America is full of rich and poor people. We're not just unequal under the law, we're unequal every which way. We gotta fix it! Mohinder: What do you have in mind? Oliver: Okay, stop me if you've heard this one. Rich and poor, right? We rob the rich... and we give to the poor. Done! Sylar: You know, I think I have heard that one. Mohinder: How would you respond, Mr. Queen, if asked how you will accomplish your plan without breaking the law? Oliver: Without? Hardly! My plan breaks every law! Throw a dart at the law and you'll hit something I'm ignoring! Mohinder: But -- Oliver: And that will keep the entire legal system busy long enough for me to pass a constitutional amendment! I've already written the whole thing up. Here's my proposed text. (He hands Mohinder a document.) Mohinder: "28TH AMENDMENT: No law, whether in this Constitution or outside it, shall be permitted to interfere with the implementation of FULL COMMUNISM, BABY." (Oliver grins.) Sylar: Would that work? Mohinder: I'm not a lawyer, but I have a feeling it's not quite watertight. Oliver: Only one way to find out! Mohinder: And you're... bullish on your chances of getting 37 states to ratify this amendment? Oliver: I only need one state. Thanks to my other amendment! (He hands over another one.) Mohinder: "29TH AMENDMENT: The threshold for amending this Constitution is hereby reduced retroactively to the approval of one State legislature." Oliver: I can go ahead and pass these with one state, and the amendments themselves will make it legit to have done that! Sylar: By that logic, why not just make it zero states? Oliver: C'mon, I can count on Vermont. Mohinder: So your idea is essentially to... outwit the Constitution? Oliver: A regular guy in a superpowered world has to use his brains to survive! This kind of thing is my bread and butter! Mohinder: And if it doesn't work? Oliver: Then I go with the backup plan. That's where I break into rich people's houses with my bow and yell "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CITY" until they agree to share. It's been working pretty well on TV. Sylar: I'm liking this guy more all the time. Mohinder: You know you'd lose money under his "plan", right? Sylar: So I wait until he's done and then kill some people and take theirs. No big. Mohinder: (sigh) Let's move on. Mr. Rogers? Cap: Hm? Mohinder: You're next. Cap: Oh, sorry. I was a bit distracted trying to decide if these two need to be stopped, and if so, which one first. Sylar: I'd wait and see if they win the election before assembling the Avengers on them. Cap: Good thinking. So I'm supposed to name the biggest issue facing America and what I'd do about it, right? Mohinder: Yes. Cap: (points at Tony) The biggest issue is THIS GUY. What I'll do is GET THIS GUY. Sylar: Uh oh. Tony: Hey Mohinder, know what? You can skip my turn. Just take that answer and Uno-reverse it. Cap: This tinpot dictator is rounding up the people America needs the most, and why? Because they won't agree to be judged by some UN panel that has no understanding of what we do! Tony: Name one job in the world with no oversight! No consequences for screwing up and getting people hurt! Cap: There has to be a better way to do this! Tony: Tell me! I'm all ears! But until you find one, we've gotta do something! Cap: You can't just go fascist for lack of a better idea! Tony: Fascist, huh? Are you sure you weren't frozen in the hippie days? Maybe some of that ice started out as bong water. Cap: Oh, so I'm the substance abu-- Whistle: FWEET Mohinder: That'll do. You've both made yourselves clear. Each of you will eliminate the other if elected. Duly noted. Sylar: It would be really funny if they could somehow both win. Oliver: They can! Lemme show you another amendment I -- Mohinder: No thanks. Sylar: Mr. Wilson, your turn. Mohinder: *groan* Sylar: (You think he'll be worse than these four? How?) Mohinder: (At what point in these debates have we ever failed to find more depths to plumb?) Deadpool: Okay, so you're in a Starbucks. Mohinder: (See?) Deadpool: It's pretty empty. You figure there won't be much of a wait. Just two people in line, right? They're not right at the cash, but hey, some people like to wait a bit farther back. So you line up behind them... but then minutes pass. Sylar: How many? Deadpool: So many. Nobody's coming to the cash. And you're listening to the other two customers talk, and that's when it hits you. They're not even in line! They just chose this spot to have their conversation! Oliver: *wince* Deadpool: They could have chatted anywhere, but no! They had to be right here! And the baristas didn't say anything because they knew these two had been served, and figured you knew that too, so you must just not have been ready to order yet! You've wasted minutes of your life because these two jabbering morons couldn't just take it someplace else! (Long pause) Mohinder: This is the biggest issue facing America? Deadpool: Nah, I'm just venting. Lois: What a silly thing to get upset about. I have spontaneous chats in random places all the ti-- Deadpool: (suddenly behind Lois with a knife at her throat) DO YOU BLEED?? Oliver: Hey! This is a non-contact debate! Sylar: (Got a whistle for this situation, Mohinder?) Mohinder: (No. Got a power for it?) Sylar: (Thought you'd never ask.) (Sylar stares firmly at Deadpool. With a loud POP, he vanishes, then reappears at his podium.) Tony: Nice trick. How far can you send somebody? Sylar: Any distance. The only limit is the target's guts. Cap: So it's a scary process? Sylar: No, it literally consumes one internal organ for each six feet traveled. This guy heals, so he'll be fine. Deadpool: (spitting out blood) Never better! Mohinder: Well, if you're done wasting our time, do you have an actual answer to the question? Deadpool: Unskippable cutscenes. I'll make them illegal. Mohinder: (sigh) More of this? Deadpool: It's not a joke! Have you ever played Ocarina of Time? I am dead serious about this! (The camera suddenly zooms in on his face) Deadpool: DEAD. F*#@ING. SERIOUS. Mohinder: ...Did you make that happen somehow? Deadpool: Not directly. Not even directorially. (Sylar throws a tomato at him.) Deadpool: The universe just likes to play along with me sometimes. Don't be surprised if a gospel choir pops up behind me out of nowhere when I start singing later. Mohinder: ...Sylar, if you teleport him far enough, will it take out his lungs? Sylar: Not for long, remember? Mohinder: You're never any use when it really counts. |
QUESTION 3 Mohinder: The next question is an opportunity for each of you to set yourself apart from the crowd. The question is, why should America choose you over your primary opponent, and your "party" over its rival? Sylar: There's some overlap with the first question here, isn't there? Mohinder: There would be if any of them had answered it properly. This is a second chance, which they will discard. (A couple of the candidates bristle at that.) Mohinder: Prove me wrong! I beg you! Sylar: Ms. Lane, you're up first. Lois: I think I'll take the two parts of this question in reverse order. Why should America choose DC over Marvel? One word: hope. It's undeniable that the DC universe is a happier, better place to live. We have Superman, the world's most famous superhero, a worldwide icon who stands for helping those in need and putting power to good use. Our world's leading team of heroes stands for justice, not vengeance. Cap: That's a bit of a misconception. "Avengers" is just a name. Or it was until Tony just had to use it to threaten Loki in the movie. Tony: I think it was clever. Cap: You think everything you say is clever. Lois: Isn't it time for some optimism, America? Shouldn't we start looking on the bright side? Just look what the Marvel universe offers -- endless conflict! Half their storylines have "war" in the name! Deadpool: I for one enjoyed Deadpool War II: War of the Deadpools. But it was really weird that I wasn't in it. Lois: You should be scared of what the Marvel universe would do to you. You should be terrified. You should wake up screaming when you're not even asleep at the mere thought of these violent lunatics gaining any sort of power. Sylar: Weren't you just going on about hope? Lois: Oh, there's none if they win. Mohinder: And your primary opponent? Lois: Oliver's a good man, of course. Superman has always spoken well of him. Oliver: He has? That's ni-- oh wait, Big Blue speaks well of everybody. Lois: Yes, but I can tell when he's just being polite. However, for all Oliver's strengths, it's no secret that he often gets stubborn and takes things to extremes. He has yet to go an entire issue without comparing someone to the Nazis. Oliver: Is it my fault that everyone's Hitler? Lois: My temperament is a better fit for this country. I know how to triangulate. I react to criticism efficiently by adjusting my principles to minimize it. I'm also a woman, as I think I mentioned. Sylar: It came up, yes. Lois: In conclusion, America, I've been a public figure since 1938. Don't you think it's my turn to be president? I certainly do. Mohinder: Eloquent. Mr. Queen? Oliver: I like Lois's answer to the DC/Marvel thing. But she missed something important: they're also ripoff artists! They stole all their stuff from us! Cap: Excuse me? Oliver: The DC universe was in business for over 20 years before Marvel came on the scene. We set the standard. We built the house. Then they moved in without asking, and over time, they stole everything that wasn't nailed down! Tony: This is about Hawkeye, isn't it? Oliver: This is about friggin' Hawkeye! Our personalities may be different, but when it comes to mechanics, he's just me in purple! Cap: (snaps fingers) You're the one who's been mailing Clint those threatening letters, aren't you? Vision said they showed signs of being extradimensional. Oliver: He owes me 70 years of royalties! With interest! Mohinder: (Interest. That's a nice thing. I miss it.) Sylar: (Hey, this is still interesting. Just more talk-radio interesting than C-SPAN interesting.) Oliver: And it's not just me! Quicksilver, Angel, Reed Richards... so many characters with powers ganked directly from ours! They've done like 40 obvious Superman pastiches! Cap: Mr. Queen, with all due respect, you're accusing Hercule Poirot of ripping off Sherlock Holmes because they're both smart. Oliver: Did Doyle ever sue? He should've! Cap: And you're a bit unlucky in terms of who's representing our universe on this stage. Tony: Not only does neither of us have much of an analogue in DC... Cap: ...but I happen to predate you. DC is only older than the name "Marvel". Oliver: Okay, so I'm off on a couple of details. The point stands! Cap: I really don't think it does. Oliver: Now as for my primary opponent... look, Lois is great. Under different circumstances, I would not only be voting for her, I would be accusing anyone who didn't of sexism. Lois: See? He gets it! Oliver: But the challenges we're facing right now demand more than just competence. Half measures won't cut it anymore. We can't settle for the partial communism that Lois is proposing. Lois: Wait, no. I'm not proposing communism. Oliver: Only full communism can save America! So until Lois is ready to take that step, and I do think she's getting there -- Lois: I am not getting there. Mohinder, please tell me this is airing with a time delay. Mohinder: I'm told the broadcast is slightly ahead of us somehow. Lois: Shut it down! We can't let this be seen! Oliver: (nod) Censoring national media, that's an important start. Now, back to levels of communi-- Whistle: FWEET Mohinder: I think we get the picture, Mr. Queen. Oliver: For anyone who didn't, go visit my website! We have a special green edition of Mao's Little Red Book you can order. Lois: Please note that you will not find anything like that on my website. Oliver: Annnythinnng? Lois: ...Okay, Mao is in the Acknowledgements of one of my autobiographies, but that's it. Oliver: See, was that so hard? And in exchange, I'll get Hal to use his ring and make all the viewers forget that part of my answer you were so upset about. Mohinder: Mr. Queen... did you just give away Green Lantern's real first name on live TV? Oliver: Oo, you already forgot the first time? He's quick on the draw today. Mohinder: What? Oliver: Don't worry about it. Mohinder: (sigh) Over to Marvel, then. Considering some of the... ground you two have already covered, I think we can dispense with the "primary opponent" part of the question. Cap and Tony: Aw. Mohinder: That leaves differentiating your party from its rival. Mr. Rogers? Cap: (looks at Tony) This is gonna be awkward, isn't it? Tony: Yyyyep. Mohinder: How so? Tony: You know that meme from Mad Men where one character says "I feel bad for you", and the other says "I don't think about you at all"? Cap: That's the basic situation here. We don't mean to be rude, but we at Marvel just have no real opinions about DC. Tony: You're asking Sony what they think about Atari. Not in the 80s, today. Lois: You condescending -- Cap: It's not condescension, honest! You're just... not on our radar. I haven't even read a DC comic since before I was frozen. Phil Coulson filled me in on some of the broad strokes of what's happened since then, and that's been enough. Tony: He was always good for that stuff. We miss ya, Phil. Deadpool: (to Mohinder) I'm gonna tell 'em. Mohinder: Don't you dare! Oliver: (points at Deadpool) See, Cap, guys like you are the reason guys like that are getting traction. All he has is his oh-so-quirky random gimmick, but voters will take anything over entrenched, entitled elites like you Avengers. Cap: You're a Justice Leaguer and a former mayor! How are you not an elite? Oliver: Because I wanna tear it all down. ...Uh, within the system. For the poor! Lois: I can't believe the gall of you two. We have Superman! Every normal person, if asked to think of a superhero, pictures him first. How can you possibly claim his comics company is the irrelevant one? Tony: How're his movies doing? Lois: ...Um. Cap: Say, which one was your favourite, Tony? The one where he snaps a villain's neck or the one where he dies killing another bad guy? Tony: I can't decide, Cap! They're both so gosh-darn optimistic! Cap: And that's why we're not worried, Mohinder. We're the big game in town for a reason. We entertain. DC can never decide whether to make its heroes weird pseudo-religious figures or just try and fail to imitate us. Mohinder: Is entertainment really what America wants in a president? Deadpool: (behind Mohinder with a gun) Always has been. Mohinder: Hey! (Sylar POPs Deadpool back.) Cap: I don't know why he said it that way, but he's right. That's one thing that didn't change while I was in the ice. It's always a contest of who talks the best game and puts on the best show. Sylar: Wasn't this question supposed to be about why you'd make a better president, not just why you would win? Cap: (opens mouth, then closes it) Sylar: Lost the plot, huh? Tony: Can you blame him? This "debate" is a snafu. We can't stay on topic for three lines at a time. Cap: Thank you. Tony: I'll ban debates like this. Vote for me, not this distractable geezer. Cap: And there it is! Whistle: FWEET Mohinder: Let's just stop this one early. I'd like to get to the next question. Deadpool: Hey! Mohinder: Hey what? Deadpool: You skipped me! I wanna answer question 3! Mohinder: (Dammit. He noticed.) Sylar: (Better think of an excuse.) Mohinder: Sorry, Mr. Wilson, I just assumed... uh... that you wouldn't see the need to differentiate yourself from the field. You're very... distinctive. Deadpool: So's a tuba, but it still gets to play! Now listen up! (pause) Deadpool: What was question 3 again? Mohinder: *sigh* Sylar: Why you're a better choice than your rivals, and your party's better than the other one. Deadpool: Right! So first of all, picking Cap or Tony means picking a side in the Civil War. Not me. I'm neutral. Tony: Oh really? Deadpool: I'm with the common man on this one. I don't care. Stop asking! Lose my number! I thought I was on the no-call list! Cap: (Number? Have you been cold-calling for your side?) Tony: (Of course. What are you doing, knocking on doors?) Cap: (I'm in hiding! From you!) Tony: (Hey, if you wanna cede the court of public opinion, no skin off my nose.) Deadpool: So instead of taking a pro- or anti-registration stance, I'm endorsing a course of action we can all agree on. Superheroes should pick up the registration forms, fill them out about halfway, then forget about them for a couple of weeks until they disappear under the couch and aren't found again until moving day. Cap: How is that a solution?! Deadpool: If solving problems by ignoring them until they go away is wrong, I don't wanna be right! And it's already well established that I don't wanna be right. QED. Tony: That is not a proof! Deadpool: If proving things by ignoring them until they go away is wrong, I -- Mohinder: Thank you, Mr. Wilson. And as for the difference between your party and the opposition? Deadpool: Well, I would explain the fine points of disagreement between us, but I think if I so much as summarize their statements, the audience will slip into a coma and die. Can you believe how boring these two are? I tell ya, DC is not sending their best. Lois: I'm not boring! I'm fun! Fun and relatable! Deadpool: You're occupying a podium that could've had Wonder Woman at it and I will never forgive you for it. NEVER. FORGIVE. Unless you give me her number. Lois: No! Deadpool: NEVER. FORGIVE. Mohinder: Is there an argument coming at some point, Mr. Wilson? Deadpool: Cool your bootsies, Mo. What I'm getting at is this: America has been WORDED practically to death in every election ever. It's just proposal after black paper after dissertation after Forbidden Grimoire of Assizes and Moot Courts. No more! I can promise that I will never, not once, overthink anything! Sylar: That's a big promise. What makes you so sure you can deliver? Deadpool: Sylar, my good buddy, I am so happy you asked. Check this out! (He whips out a handsaw.) Mohinder: Why do you have -- Deadpool: *starts sawing through his own forehead* Mohinder and Sylar: GAH! (They both leap out of their chairs in shock.) Mohinder: Wait. You find this shocking? YOU? Sylar: Why shouldn't I? Mohinder: This is what you do! It's your whole thing! Sylar: Yeah, but I've never seen it from this third-person perspective before. It feels so different. Lois: Are you two not going to STOP him?! Deadpool: No... need! Almost... done! There! (Deadpool has now sawed a circle all the way around his head.) Oliver: Why would -- Deadpool: Shh! Gotta do this quick before it heals! (He grabs the top of his head from both sides and lifts it clean off.) Deadpool: There! Look inside! (The moderators step closer.) Lois: You're not really going to look, are you?! Mohinder: I don't want to, but... scientific curiosity is kicking in. Sylar: And looking at brains is basically my superpower. Deadpool: Oh? Then this ain't your day! (He steps out to the centre of the stage and leans forward. There is no brain in his head. There is, instead --) Mohinder: A BRICK?? Deadpool: Yep! (knocks on it with one hand) Sylar: How does that even work? Deadpool: You're the brain whisperer, you tell us! (He puts the top of his head back on.) Mohinder: Well... uh... Sylar: I guess the point about overthinking is proven? Deadpool: Exactamundo! I won't try to bore America's problems to death. I'll solve them with action. Whatever action occurs to me. (Everyone returns to their seats.) Mohinder: Is that the end of your response to question 3, Mr. Wilson? Deadpool: Yep! Mohinder: You no longer feel short-changed? Deadpool: Nope! Mohinder: Good. We will now take a ten-minute break so all the rest of us can throw up. |
QUESTION 4 Mohinder: The good news is, this next question will be the last one. Sylar: What's the bad news? Mohinder: They wouldn't tell me this one in advance. I was told to open this sealed envelope when it was time, and not before. Sylar: Maybe it's a nice surprise. Like a birthday card or something. Mohinder: It's not my birthday. Sylar: That just adds to the surprise. Anyway, here, allow me. (Sylar does his finger-pointing thing to slice the envelope open.) Mohinder: Thank you. Sylar: Wow, you took that way better than when I used that power in the last debate. Mohinder: Since you clearly don't plan to stop trolling me any time soon, I've decided to stop giving you the satisfaction. Sylar: Oh, I'll get the satisfaction. I always do. I don't mind working a little harder for it, though. (Mohinder reads the note. Then he stands up, crumples the note, and throws it across the room.) Sylar: Whoa! Mohinder: Dammit! We had a whole meeting about this! Sylar: About what? Mohinder: (pacing angrily) When the network asked me back to moderate another debate, I had a few conditions. The biggest one was substance. I didn't want to waste my time on trivial nonsense that had nothing to do with the job of president. Sylar: That's always the most popular part of these things -- Mohinder: So they told me. But I held my ground, and they gave in! They told me I wouldn't have to ask about all the scandals! (Cap, who was closest to it, picks up the note Mohinder threw.) Cap: "Question 4: Ask about all the scandals." Mohinder: Bastards! Sylar: Oo, same wording even? I tip my hat to the superior trolls. Mohinder: Fine. It's too late to quit, so I will ask them about their scandals. But if we're doing this, we're doing it my way. (He sits back down.) Sylar: And what does your way entail? Mohinder: First of all, you shutting up. Sylar: But we're -- Mohinder: SHUT! (Sylar smirks and decides to play along.) Mohinder: Ms. Lane, first scandal. Is it true you used to risk your life on purpose to get Superman's attention? Lois: Er... every young reporter feels a certain pressure to make -- Mohinder: (FWEET!) Weasel answer. Stop. Lois: Hey! Mohinder: That's how this will work. I'll ask you about a scandal, and if you answer clearly and honestly, I'll move on to the next candidate. But if you try to weasel out, I will cut you off whenever I feel inclined and ask about another one. Oliver: Oh sure, take out your frustration on us! Mohinder: All you have to do is play straight with our viewers. Do it one time, and you're free. But the more careful, political answers you attempt, the more of your scandals will get brought up in prime time. I am a well-informed voter. I will not run out. Tony: We didn't agree to this. Let's just leave. Mohinder: Remember how you got here? Tony: Sure. The network opened a portal for... oh. Cap: Oh what? Tony: There wasn't a machine or anything. Which means... Sylar: *raises his hand* Mohinder: Indeed. My colleague opened the portals with one of his ill-gotten powers. He'll be happy to do it again... after the debate. Tony: What debate? Apparently this just turned into the Spanish Inquisition, Lightning Round. Mohinder: Glad you're excited! You'll go next. But first we finish with you, Ms. Lane. Lois: (clearly nervous) No problem. I'm happy to take your questions. Deadpool: Pfft, no you're not. It was in parentheses and everything. Lois: You're crazy! I have nothing to hide! Mohinder: Ms. Lane, some have argued that your presidential run would never have come so far without your personal connection to Superman. How would you respond? Lois: I love Superman very much, but he has nothing to do with my success. Voters are able to recognize my generational political talent. Mohinder: This is the case to the best of your knowledge, is it? Lois: Yes. It's all me. Mohinder: (FWEET!) I really tried to be generous on that one, Ms. Lane. I gave you a chance and everything. No more of that going forward. Lois: But it's tr-- Mohinder: Your campaign rallies are a sea of Superman logos. 93% of your supporters cite him as the reason they've heard of you. Your campaign motto is "Up, Up, and Away." Lois: You're bringing numbers into this? Mohinder: Next question. You've been in contact with the Pentagon for several important stories over the years. You had a secure Daily Planet email address to use for these top-secret communications. Why is it that, according to Pentagon sources, you used your Hotmail instead? Lois: Hot... mail? Is that like Hot Pocke-- Mohinder: (FWEET!) Lois: Oh, fine! It was easier to log into on my phone! Mohinder: Too late. Next: did you have any idea what the Harlem Shake was prior to five minutes before your appearance on Late Night where you did it "spontaneously"? (Long pause.) Lois: *starts sweating* Mohinder: *waits patiently* Lois: I... I am in tune with the youth of -- Mohinder: (FWEET!) Just couldn't admit it, huh? Lois: I! Am! In! Tune! Mohinder: Next: is it true that Superman has unofficially helped you with many of your Daily Planet scoops over the years? (A calm comes over Lois as she realizes this one won't hurt her too badly.) Lois: Yes. That is true. He helped me out many times, and he always insisted that his help not be acknowledged in the paper. Mohinder: Very good. You pass. With me, that is. Lois: As opposed to...? Mohinder: All the other reporters in the country who have no such access. Lois: Oh, I'm sure they never do favours for their girlfriends! Mohinder: (turning) Mister Stark. How are you this fine day? Tony: I'm great. Peachy-keen. Mohinder: I can't help but notice you've put your helmet on. Tony: No special reason. It's just cold. Mohinder: Don't you think our audience would rather see your face as you answer these questions? Tony: I bet they would! They, and you, could probably read my mental state much better that way! Shame it got cold like this! Mohinder: Sylar? Sylar: *snaps his fingers* Mohinder: The temperature in this room is now three degrees higher. Tony: (removing the helmet) You're a schmuck, you know that? Cap: (What are you so worried about? You're a straight-shooter to the point where it's obnoxious.) Tony: (Yeah, in the movies. Have you not noticed that we're sort of gestalt entities here that reflect all our incarnations? Comic Tony lies like a rug.) Mohinder: First question, Mr. Stark: is it true that you have sometimes exaggerated your net worth? Tony: Maybe a little. Like, 20%ish. That's just a business thing. Mohinder: 20%ish? Tony: 25. Final offer. Mohinder: (FWEET!) Your fellow CEO Sunset Bain recently posted an audio recording from a few years ago in which you tell her you're worth "150 quadrillion bucks, baby." Tony: Oh, come on! I was drunk and obviously trying to get in her -- uh, I was drunk! That was a trick question! Mohinder: Yes, it was. Welcome to politics. Next, speaking of drunkenness, would you support new technology to prevent anyone with a dangerous blood alcohol level from driving a car? Tony: Sure. That's a smart idea. Mohinder: How about your armour? It's well known that at a low point in your life, you operated your Iron Man armour while under the influence. Would you install, or have you already, a similar device to keep you from doing so again? Tony: ...Yes. I did that right after -- (FWEET!) Tony: Let me finish! Mohinder: That wasn't me, it was Sylar. He's in lie detector mode. Sylar: I can set myself to fweet when someone lies. It's a power. Tony: Oh, fine! There are no safeguards in my armour for alcohol or anything else! You know why? Because I have to think about the crazy scenarios -- the chance that aliens might invade when something's wrong with me, and it's better for the world if even a subpar Iron Man can show up than none at all! This is basic superhero stuff! Mohinder: Agreed. That's a reasonable answer. All you had to do was say it first. Tony: You want a piece of -- Mohinder: Next: is it true that you have donated heavily to social media companies and then coordinated with them to control how the algorithm treats stories about you and your political opponents? Tony: Parts of that are true. Yes, I've donated, and yes, we've talked. But I have no power over them, and the main thing we talked about was how to stop completely made-up news stories from going viral. There's this "newspaper" called This Just In that you just wouldn't believe. Mohinder: So they're not throttling anything on your behalf? Tony: No. That's probably a rumour Cap started to make me less popular on those sites. Cap: I barely know what social media is! Mohinder: (FWEET!) I just tried to post "Tony Stark is a nutgrunging stupid-wad" and my account was instantly banned. Tony: ...That's probably a glitch. Sylar: Me too. Tony: Right. Mental note: find the overenthusiastic party responsible for this and fire him so hard his dog is unemployed. Mohinder: Next question. Is it true that your Iron Man faceplate used to have a nose? Tony: ...Don't make me admit that, man. Mohinder: (FWEET!) Tony: It was a misunderstanding. They thought Stan Lee would like it. Please just... just leave it in the past. Cap: Bet he asks about the built-in roller skates next. Tony: You were a werewolf in the 90s! We've all been through it! Mohinder: Next. Is there any truth to the rumours that your campaign staff have been in contact with the Chinese government? Tony: Huh? I hadn't even heard... oh! I see where that's coming from. But... (pause) Tony: No, it's time I came clean about this one. That was me, personally. Mohinder: *blink* Tony: It was years ago. I needed medical help that only Dr. Su Yin could provide, and in exchange for access to her, Iron Man helped the Chinese government deal with the Mandarin and his dragon. Sylar: Isn't he someone you normally deal with anyway? Tony: Yeah, when he comes here. This time he was sticking to his home turf, and that was part of the reason -- American superheroes aren't particularly welcome in China. But it got bad enough that the government turned to me, and I was desperate, so we made a deal. I'm not proud of it. (pause) Tony: The battle was really cool, though. Deadpool: Iron Man: The Dragon Seed Saga, folks! Get it at a comic store near you! Mohinder: All right, Mr. Stark, you're free. Cap: (See? You did fine.) Tony: (He reminded all of America about the nose! My life is over!) Mohinder: Mr. Queen, you're up next. Ready? Oliver: Hmph -- if those two can pass, I certainly can. Fire away! Mohinder: First question: your campaign frequently reminds voters that you gave up your fortune to become an activist. Haven't you recovered by now to the point where you own several mansions, a nightclub, and an "Arrowcave"? Oliver: I own a nightclub? Mohinder: You didn't know that? Oliver: I've got a lot going on. (turns to Lois) Hey, wanna go to a nightclub? Lois: Not if you were the last of your species. Oliver: Humans? Lois: Men. Mohinder: (whistles -- with his mouth, not the whistle) I don't think I'll even FWEET you for this one. You've suffered enough. Oliver: Eh, I'll just take Dinah there. Once I find out where it is. Mohinder: But on a similar note, your net worth is estimated to be well into the millions. Do you not find that somewhat hypocritical? Oliver: Nah, I worked this one out. When I gave up my fortune, I became the poor. So it's only right for me to rob the rich! And by getting the money from them legit through business ventures and campaigns, I robbed them so effectively they didn't even notice! Mohinder: (FWEET!) Oliver: Hey, that was a straight answer! Mohinder: I fweet for stupid too. Either you got this idea from Monty Python or it was just convergent evolution, but the result is the same. Cap: Come to think of it, wasn't he just describing capita-- Tony: Shh, don't tell him. It's gonna be really funny when he realizes. Mohinder: Next question: you have a history of quitting the Justice League for reasons of conscience, then rejoining later. How do you respond to the criticism that you only use the League for legitimacy when it suits you? Oliver: Puh-lease! The League always begs me to come back. They need my wits and cunning! Mohinder: (FWEET!) Oliver: Okay, fine, they need me for personality diversity. And I usually rejoin for the insurance. But we both benefit! Lois: Superman says it also has to do with colour coordination. Mohinder: Next: your supporters often praise you for your personal embrace of eco-friendly travel methods, such as firing rope arrows at buildings and swinging from them. But some skeptics point out that you leave these ropes hanging from buildings all over town. Oliver: All over town? Ridiculous! I only swing for a few blocks at a time. Mohinder: And that's enough to get you to the scene of distant crimes? Oliver: Yeah. I just need to get to wherever I parked my motorcycle or my jet. Mohinder: (FWEET!) Oliver: Oh, what now?! Mohinder: I'll let you figure it out later. Next: is it true that you have a number of illegitimate children, some of whom you have avoided acknowledging? Oliver: ...Yes. Mohinder: And why is that? Oliver: Because I know I'd be a crappy father, and it happened in the first place because I'm a jerk to women. I hate myself for it, but it's true. I own that. Mohinder: Thank you. That was... quite a bit more real than I was expecting. Lois: Not especially presidential, though. Oliver: Hey, I can't turn back the clock, okay? It's a constant struggle to be better. But this is personal stuff. It's got nothing to do with how I'd run the country. Sylar: Which, to remind our viewers, is... Oliver: By mass wealth redistribution at arrow-point. Mohinder: (turning) Mr. Rogers. Ready? Cap: As I'll ever be. Mohinder: You've refused to sign the Sokovia Accords and gone on the run from the government. How does that square with the respect that a superhero, much less a president, is supposed to show for the rule of law? Cap: I believe it's an unjust law, Mohinder. I won't start any fights over it -- the ones that happened around that time were over something else -- but I won't comply either. I did free some Avengers from prison because it was my fault they got there, and when this is all over, I'll serve my time for that. But first we need to get the Accords overturned, and I can do that as president. Mohinder: Thank you, that'll do. Tony: You're passing him on the first question?! Mohinder: I asked for honesty. He's Captain America. Tony: But he's so wrong on this issue! Arrgh! Mohinder: Oh, it's highly debatable, I agree. If we were conducting some kind of debate here, you could have at it. But I was told to ask about scandals. His answer was in no way sleazy, so he passes. Sylar: (stage-whispering) Also, Mohinder's a little biased against superhero-roundup programs. We did that on our show. Cap: It helped that your phrasing was clearly about my movie character. I'd have to think a lot harder to defend my comic self in that Civil War. He was picking fights with Tony left and right with no apparent plan. Mohinder: It's okay, I wouldn't have asked. No one is responsible for what Mark Millar makes them do. Deadpool: And that leaves me! Mohinder: Yes. I'm... not sure how to go about this. Deadpool: Why not? Mohinder: Because these four have normal human "scandals." Everything you do is a scandal. Your whole gimmick is crossing every line you can think of. Deadpool: Hey, remember earlier when I scalped myself? That was fun. I see now why that was so popular in the Old West. -- No offense, by the way. Mohinder: Why would I take offense at that? Deadpool: Because you're Indian. Mohinder: *twitch* Sylar: Don't let him goad you. That's my territory. Deadpool: Listen to Spock, Mohinder! Don't let me drive you into darkness! And beyond! (pause) Deadpool: 2009! Mohinder: This is ridiculous. I can't work under these conditions. Sylar: (No, hang on, there's a way out. You just want honesty, right? He's got no filter at all. You can stop after one question.) Mohinder: (What if that's one question too many?) Deadpool: I... can... heeeeear... you... Sylar: (What choice do we have?) Mohinder: (Fine, but I'm blaming you if this doesn't work.) Sylar: (I'll add it to the pile.) Mohinder: ...Mr. Wilson, there have been a number of news articles pointing out that you began as a serious character, and were essentially ripped off from DC's character Deathstroke. Oliver: *blink* Hey, yeah! How'd I miss that? Mohinder: There are those who question your authenticity on this basis, and even call you a grifter, riding currently-popular trends to achieve meme status. How would you respond? Deadpool: Huh. That's a more legit scandal than I expected. Nice work. (pause) Deadpool: A question like that... can only be answered in the form of a MUSICAL NUMBER! Mohinder: *bashes head on table* (Deadpool grabs his mic off the stand and jumps to centre stage) Deadpool: I might be the way everybody likes to say... I know what you're thinking about me... Gospel Choir: Uh-uh! Lois: Was there a gospel choir here before that moment? There wasn't, was there? Sylar: Hey, he did warn us. Deadpool: There might be a day you might have a certain way... But you don't have my luxurieeees! Gospel Choir: That's right! Mohinder: STOP! You pass! The question is over! (The music goes silent.) Deadpool: Excuse me. I am trying to sing "M!ssundaztood". Because I am missundaztood. And you intend to deny me my vindication? Mohinder: Yes! You've made yourself very clear! Deadpool: Who the HELL do you think you are? Mohinder: The moderator! Deadpool: And who DIED and made you the moderator, huh? Sylar: I'd argue that he did, but as established earlier, he disagrees. Mohinder: Back to your podium! We're doing closing statements! Deadpool: Uh-uh! No way! The only way you could possibly stop me would be by ending this sec-- |
CLOSING STATEMENTS Deadpool: (back at his podium) Goddammit. Mohinder: Yes, if there is a god, he absolutely has damned this entire charade. Candidates, the time has come for your closing statements. You have three minutes each, which means you have ten seconds each because Sylar is hungry. Sylar: No, I'm -- Mohinder: YOU'RE HUNGRY. Ms. Lane, ten seconds. Lois: I am a woman. *realizes that only took four seconds* Uh... hear me roar! Mohinder: Good. Mr. Queen? Oliver: Eat the rich! And before ya do, tell'em "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS ECONOMY"! Mohinder: Mr. Rogers? Cap: We have nothing to fear but Tony Stark himself. Mohinder: Mr. Stark? Tony: (pointing at Cap) Don't vote for stupid. Mohinder: And finally, Mr. Wilson. (Deadpool is silent. He's staring with cold fury at Mohinder.) Mohinder: Mr. Wilson? Deadpool: THERE'S A SONG. I WAS LISTENIN' TO. UP ALL NIGHT. Mohinder: You are not doing the damn musical number! Deadpool: THERE'S A VOICE. I AM HEARIN'. SAYIN' IT'S ALL RIGHT. Mohinder: That's ten seconds! (Deadpool whips out a gun in one hand and the cheese grater in the other.) Deadpool: WHEN I'M HAPPY. AND I'M SAD. BUT. EVERY. THING'S. GOOD. Cap: *reaches for his shield* Sylar: Nah, don't worry, I got it. (Sylar POPs Deadpool out of the room.) Mohinder: Thank you. Where did you send him? Sylar: Fifth floor. The distance felt like sixty feet or so. Mohinder: (counting organs on his fingers) Good, that should pretty much empty him out. Voice From The Fifth Floor: YAAARRRGGGGHHH! Sylar: He has a lung back already? We'd better finish this up quick. Mohinder: Agreed. And since I've cured myself of my narration problem, we can do that right now. This concludes tonight's Election 2016 two-party simultaneous primary debate, the first of its kind and hopefully the last. Thank you for watching and have a good -- (BOOOOOOM) Deadpool: *crashing through the ceiling* IT'S NOT THAT COMPLICATED, I'M JUST MISSUNDAZTOOD!! Mohinder: -- night. Sylar: What was that, plastic explosives? Deadpool: The elevator was taking foreeever. Sylar: Your healing factor is even more ridiculous than mine. Maybe I should pick your br-- oh, right. Mohinder: What an unbelievable fiasco. I'm never doing it again. Not for any amount of money. Deadpool: Suuure you're not. Mohinder: Oh, you think you know better? Deadpool: This was a sequel to something originally written as a one-and-done. Those always come in twos. Stay tuned for Exploding Candidate Revolutions, everybody! Lois: Don't get me wrong, I'm glad this is over, but I do think it went reasonably well. Oliver: (to the moderators) You did great, you guys. Pat yourselves on the back. And then maybe the one who's a serial killer should go to jail or something? Cap: We better head back. Now remember, Tony, you said I get a ten-minute head start. Tony: I said five. And I count in steamboats, not Mississippis, so you better hustle. Cap: Fascist. Tony: Hypocrite. Cap: (By the way, if you end up dropping out, do I have your endorsement?) Tony: (Oh, of course. And vice versa, right?) Cap: (Sure thing.) Oliver: Hey, now that we're off the air, you guys can tell us. Who do you like for president? Mohinder: ...You're kidding, right? Oliver: Why would I be? Sylar: Why wouldn't you be? Oliver: (to Lois) Am I missing something? Lois: If so, I am too. Mohinder: You're missing everything! You're all terrible! We would never vote for any of you! Sylar: To be clear, Mohinder doesn't speak for me. But he's not wrong. Cap: Even us from Marvel? Sylar: As a villain, I'm against voting for superheroes on principle. Mohinder: And as a non-villain, I suppose you and Tony are the closest to adequacy, but what kind of standard is that? This is a farce. I can't believe one of you five is going to succeed us in office. (Long pause. A lot of blinking.) Lois: I'm sorry, did you just say succeed you? Oliver: In office?! Mohinder: (sigh) Sylar: You hadn't done the math on that yet, Mohinder? All they knew was our names. They certainly weren't going to know we were the current president and VP. Tony: But... what?! Why would the top two officials in the country be moderating a debate? Mohinder: After our top-rated debate in 2012, the network said no one else would do. Sylar: I bet they said the word "it" really quietly after that. Cap: And how did people who were just debate moderators become running mates in time to win that same election? Mohinder: After our top-rated debate in 2012, we realized both candidates were wildly unqualified and had to be stopped. Sylar: Nobody else was interested, so we had to do it ourselves. It was a bit awkward since we knew most of the people on both tickets, but, you know... country at stake and all. Oliver: (pointing at Sylar) You said you were a serial killer! (pointing at Mohinder) You said he killed your father! Mohinder: The American people were only interested in us as a duo. I can't stress enough how popular that debate was. Sylar: We're still trying to figure that one out. My theory is that Elle's demographic was a lot bigger than anyone thought. Mohinder: I hate your theory. Sylar: Yeah, me too. Cap: Okay, but... look, Mohinder, stop me if I'm jumping to conclusions, but... Mohinder: Yes, I was born in India. Cap: (whew) I figured that or Britain, yeah. So how...? Sylar: A little something called the 29th Amendment! Oliver: ...You've gotta be kidding. Mohinder: Your numbers are reversed from ours, actually. We passed your 29th as our 28th, and then our 29th amendment allowed non-native citizens to serve as president. Oliver: You got Vermont to pass that?! Mohinder: Florida, actually. But it was a slightly tough sell; we had to add the proviso that one term would be the limit. Sylar: We really figured the parties would come up with better candidates next time. I mean, how could they not, right? Mohinder: But we weren't counting on the popular uprising that replaced our political parties entirely and brought all of you in. Now we're back where we started... and even if we could stand to go through it all again, we're term-limited. Sylar: Technically we could just run me for president and you for veep. Mohinder: Absolutely not. I may be stuck with you, but you will never be on top. (Several pairs of eyes go wide.) Mohinder: Of the ticket! Get your damn minds out of the gutter! Deadpool: Oh, maybe that's where I left my real one. I should check. Sylar: Yes, that's a good idea. All of you go home. (Sylar opens portals directly under all five candidates.) The Candidates: WHOOOAAA! (He closes them.) Mohinder: All five at once? You're sure you aimed the portals correctly, right? Sylar: Nah, I dumped everybody in the WildStorm universe. Yes I aimed them correctly, Mohinder, geez. I'm not just banging rocks together here. (Mohinder leans on the table and sighs a long, long sigh with a bit of grumble to it.) Sylar: You can let that stress go now. It's over. Mohinder: Is it? Sylar: Oh, are you still thinking about what Deadpool said? Mohinder: It's haunting me! I never want to do this again, but... what if he's right? What if this kind of sequel does come in twos? Sylar: He's just a lol-random character. Which was, frankly, my role last time and I'm annoyed that he stole it. But that means I can assure you there's no point believing anything he said. Mohinder: So you say. But I can hear it, Sylar! The words are echoing... echoing in my head... Echoing Whisper: Exploding... Candidate... Revolutions... Sylar: Hey! Why can I hear -- aha! (He flips over the table. Deadpool is under it.) Deadpool: Like you're the only guy with portal powers. I personally know no less than three X-Men who -- (POP!) Mohinder: Where'd you send him this time? Sylar: Sixty feet again. Straight down. Mohinder: But we're on the ground fl-- ah. Sylar: It's the little things in life you treasure. THE END...? |
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