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5SV: Season 6

by Zeke

Five-Second "Equinox II"

Janeway: That went well.
Chakotay: "Well"? Starfleet officers were at each others' throats, Seven was nearly lobotomized, you fired me, and almost all the Equinox crew died!
Janeway: Ah, but a few didn't. Now let us never speak of them again.

Five-Second "Survival Instinct"

Janeway: Check out my prehensile plant.
Prehensile Plant: Isn't it interesting that for all Ron Moore's big talk, the one Voyager episode he actually wrote is this, one of the most unnecessary Borg episodes ever?
Paris: They say if you don't water those enough, they start acting as mouthpieces.
Janeway: Don't be silly.

Five-Second "Barge of the Dead"

Miral: You sent me to Klingon Hell!
Torres: So? Klingons like pain.
Miral: You're not getting out of your journey of self-discovery that easily.

Five-Second "Tinker Tenor Doctor Spy"

Borg Fleet: BOOM
Doc: There, that's ten Borg fleets. I can have breakfast now.
Seven: Let's make out first!

Kim: So this is what the Doctor daydreams about.
Janeway: I was sort of expecting holographic sheep.

Five-Second "Alice"

Paris: Alice is so great. She's like a girlfriend, except better, because I can control her with my mind. Yep, B'Elanna's got nothing on Alice. Well, see you later, B'Elanna.
Torres: Bye, dear.
Kim: You don't seem very worried about this.
Torres: If he had a mind to control her with, I'd worry.

Five-Second "Riddles"

Neelix: It's good to have you back and all, Mr. Vulcan, but part of me misses the brain-damaged version of you.
Tuvok: Indeed, each of us has a part that longs for an intellectual equal.
(Three days later)
Neelix: Heyyy....

Five-Second "Dragon's Teeth"

Seven: I'm sorry I woke up an ancient race of violent xenophobes.
Janeway: Well, you should be. That's sure to bite us in the nacelles somewhere down the line. Yep. Inevitably. Sooner or later.
Seven: Is this what humans call reverse psy--
Janeway: Shhh.

Five-Second "One Small Step"

Zeke: I haven't seen this one. I hear it's good, though. Go watch it.

Five-Second "The Voyager Conspiracy"

Seven: ....which clearly proves that both the Federation and Maquis ships ended up in the Delta Quadrant as part of a Ferengi plot!
Chakotay: She's got us, Kathryn.
Janeway: (sigh) You're right. No use hiding it anymore.
Seven: Aha! I knew it! I'm telling the whole crew!
Janeway: That was close. She nearly figured out we were working for Section 31.
Chakotay: You're working for Section 31? I'm working for the Tal Shiar.
Janeway: Whatever.

Five-Second "Pathfinder"

Barclay: I told you it would work! I've made contact! Listen!
Janeway: (over the comm) This is the starship Voyager, and for the last time, we're not buying any. Sell your aluminum siding to somebody else. (click)
Admiral Paris: Aluminum siding?
Barclay: Man, sometimes I think I'm never gonna unload that stuff. I don't suppose you want some?

Five-Second "Fair Haven"

Janeway: So Mulgrew tells them she's tired of occasional one-shot love interests and wants something more consistent. Come on! We're never in one place very long, and it can't be one of the crew... what does she expect them to come up with? Fill me up again, Mike.
Michael Sullivan: Anythin' for you, m'lass.
Janeway: ....Oh no.

Five-Second "Blink of an Eye"

Chakotay: Wow, this planet sure is fast.
Torres: No kidding. Its civilization started three minutes ago and now it's over.
Chakotay: Wait a minute. It's not that fast.
Torres: This is the five-second version.

Five-Second "Virtuoso"

Doc: La la LA la LA LA LA la LA... by the way, Captain, may I disembark?
Janeway: Oh good GOD yes! Right after you get all this blood back in my ears.

Five-Second "Memorial"

Janeway: I know this monument tortured us all with horrific false memories, but we can't shut it down. It would be hypocritical.
Chakotay: Why?
Janeway: Remember the time I edited the memories of everyone on the ship to remove Kes?
Chakotay: Who?
Janeway: (pats Chakotay on the head) Two to beam up.

Five-Second "Tsunkatse"

The Rock: CAN you SMELL what --
Seven: I can't believe I agreed to this.

Five-Second "Collective"

The Borg Kids: ZZZZZZZZ
Seven: Aww, isn't that cute. They're sleeping like babies.
Janeway: What baby? I haven't seen any baby. Never. Shut up!
Seven: I wasn't --
Janeway: You're relieved of duty!
Seven: ...Captain, is that a pacifier on your shoulder?

Five-Second "Spirit Folk"

Janeway: The holograms are starting to doubt that we are who we say we are. This is a disaster!
Torres: No. Last week, when we crashed into the antimatter planet, that was a disaster. This is a nuisance. Barely.
Janeway: Quiet! I'm trying to think of something higher than Red Alert.

Five-Second "Ashes to Ashes"

Kim: Don't go, Lyndsay! We were meant to be together!
Lyndsay Ballard: Harry, I'm a corpse.
Kim: I know my limits and I work within them.

Five-Second "Child's Play"

Icheb: I'm so glad I have a family again.
Icheb's Dad: We're glad too. In fact, we're so glad that we made you this big red X to stand on.
Icheb: Wow! I bet this is visible from space!
Icheb's Mom: It was last time. We'll be in the house.

Five-Second "Good Shepherd"

Janeway: ...and so the good shepherd rescued the lost sheep, and used one of Jesus' parables as a metaphor without mentioning religion in any way.
Chakotay: Glad it worked out. What exactly did you do on your secret mission with these crewmen, anyway?
Janeway: I taught them to say "Four legs good, two legs better."

Five-Second "Live Fast and Prosper"

Janeway: We've finally caught you, you second-rate imitators of us. What do you have to say for yourselves?
Dylan Hunt: Look, there must have been some kind of misunderstanding here....
Janeway: A likely story!

Five-Second "Muse"

Kelis: You'll love this next idea. Voyager finally gets home, right? But just when they're about to reach Earth, they hit a subspace mine and get lost all over again!
Torres: That's the worst idea I've ever heard.
Kelis: Okay, no problem, I've got an even better one. Two words: Romulan clone of Janeway!
Torres: I wonder if most muses have this problem.

Five-Second "Fury"

Neelix: You know, before all of this happened, I was thinking about how nice it would be to see Kes again.
Janeway: ....Okay, Janeway to all decks: anyone who thinks about how nice it would be to see Seska again answers to me.
Paris: (over the comm) How about the Delaney twins?
Janeway: Gray area.

Five-Second "Life Line"

Doc: Sigh... I finally meet my creator, and he's dying.
Zimmerman: Sigh... I finally meet my creation, and he's a pansy.
Barclay: Sigh... I finally meet Dr. Zimmerman's cute holographic maid, and there's no downside to that.
Troi: Sigh... I finally get more acting work, and it's still in this franchise.
Roy: Buzz... buzz buzz buzzzzz.

Five-Second "The Haunting of Deck 12"

Neelix: And then, with no one else left to stop it, the evil sentient gas took over the quadrant! Mwahaha! The End.
Mezoti: Brrr. That story gave me goosebumps.
Azan: Keep the light on! I'm afraid of the dark now.
Icheb: That was scarier than a tale from the Cryptkeeper.
Rebi: Um... that story... um... wait, I've got it! That story was eerie, Indiana Jones!
Neelix: (shaking his head) Pathetic, Rebi. Pathetic.

Five-Second "Unimatrix Zero I"

Seven: My ex-boyfriend that I've never heard of needs our help overthrowing the Borg! I'm cashing in this "Endanger Voyager Due to a Past Relationship" voucher.
Janeway: I never should have given those out. Oh well... maybe I can take advantage of the situation. When the Borg assimilate someone, what do they do with their hair?
Seven: This is about those people who claim you have too much hair to be a real Star Trek captain, isn't it?
Janeway: Answer the question.


(Next time I'm bored)

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These five-seconders were originally published on April 7, 2005.

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All material © 2005, Colin Hayman.