Five-Second The OC: Season 2

by Zeke

Five-Second "The Distance"

Theresa: (on the phone) They said it was a miscarriage. So there won't be a baby. Honest. You don't need to come by and check or anything.
Ryan: Aw, no... Theresa lost the baby.
Seth: Woohoo! Now we can go home!
Ryan: I think what you meant to say is "I'm sorry for your loss."
Seth: No, what I mean to say is generally what I say.

Five-Second "The Way We Were"

Summer: Just so you two jerkholes know, things are not going back the way they were. Right, Coop?
Marissa: Right! (to Ryan) Can things go back the way they were? Pretty please?
Ryan: Didn't I just see you kissing another guy?
Marissa: I promise, from now on it's only you except when I'm tempted otherwise.
Seth: Well yeah, that's only reasonable. What else are you supposed to do with temptation? "Resist" it or something?
Summer: Ever wonder if those two are the ones who should have hooked up, Ryan?

Five-Second "The New Kids on the Block"

Sandy: All right, fine. I'll try to help you out. But we are not starting a restaurant.
Caleb: I promise to stab you if you suggest it, or if you turn your back for longer than three seconds.
Sandy: The first thing you need to do is pick someone else to run the Newport Group until this impeachment thing blows over. I'm sure I don't need to tell you who's most qualified for that, but if you need a hint, she's related to you. And her initials are in the first half of the alphabet. And she's young enough to be your daughter, cough cough.
Caleb: (nod) Don't worry, Sanford, I know precisely who you're describing.

Five-Second "The New Era"

Lindsay: So...
Alex: Yeah.
Ryan: (clears throat)
Seth: Isn't this fun, you guys? What a great little comedy of errors we've constructed here.
Lindsay: It's clever and all, but can we just skip to Act Five now and pair off correctly?
Seth: (checks watch) Whoa! Yeah, we'd better do that. We've only got ten minutes left to meet our quota of scenes where someone declares it a "new era."

Five-Second "The SnOC"

Seth: This is a great party. Isn't this a gr-- OW! What brought that on?
Zach: Partly jealousy, partly concern over the lack of punching this season. Also, Alex paid me five bucks.
Seth: Well, those five bucks just bought you a world of pain. Nobody hits me when Ryan's around! ...Ryan?
Summer: He's making out with Lindsay. Or getting dumped by her. Hmm. What time is it?
Zach: 8:15.
Summer: Okay, 8 is even. Making out.
Seth: Well, fine! I guess I'll just suffer! I'll -- mmph! Alex? I thought you were mad!
Alex: Silly boy. Paying someone to beat you up is my version of foreplay.

Five-Second "The Chrismukkah That Almost Wasn't"

Seth: Chrismukkah is going to be perfect this year. I can feel it. Can you feel it, Ryan?
Ryan: Not now, I'm busy. Lindsay... I just want you to know that even though you're Caleb's secret love child, I still want us to be together.
Lindsay: I'm Caleb's secret love child?!
Ryan: Oops! Geez, that was insensitive of me. I should have said "bastard daughter." Sorry.
Seth: Okay, so Chrismukkah's not going to be perfect. But on the bright side, in about ten seconds I'll have one less person to buy stuff for.

Five-Second "The Family Ties"

Jimmy: (singing) Wish I could say the right words to lead you through this land... wish I could play the father --
Marissa: You ARE my father!
Jimmy: Well, I'm going back to England anyway.

Five-Second "The Power of Love"

Kirsten: I can't believe you forgot our 20th anniversary! For God's sake, you remembered the 24th anniversary of the Lennon assassination! (whacks Sandy with a rolling pin and leaves)
Ryan: Don't you hate it when women get kneady?
Sandy: Well, don't you worry, kids. There is not a marital problem in this world that I can't sing my way out of.
Ryan: ...Uh, Seth? Defcon One.
Seth: You laughed when I built the bomb shelter!

Five-Second "The Ex Factor"

Ryan: How could you let Lindsay get so drunk?
Marissa: It's not like I was pouring the alcohol down her throat myself! Until her coordination started to go, anyway.
Summer: And hey, this was your idea. You can't get Lindsay to spend time with Michael Jackson and then act surprised if she dangles some kid out a window!
Marissa: ...Summer, what are you doing?
Summer: Helping!

Five-Second "The Accomplice"

Sandy: I hate to tell you this, Max, but... Rebecca's dead.
Max Bloom: You're sure of this?
Sandy: Sorry.
Max Bloom: Then we've got a problem. I just let a vampire in the house.
Sandy: (pulling out a wooden stake) Don't sweat it. I didn't work for Wolfram & Hart very long, but I learned a lot.

Five-Second "The Second Chance"

Caleb: Kirsten, Lindsay... this heart attack has made me a changed man. In particular, I've changed from a man who had never had a heart attack to a man who can blame one on Ryan.
Lindsay: Um....
Caleb: And more important, a man who loves his daughters, bastard and nonbastard alike. Can you give me a chance to make things right?
Lindsay: Well...
Caleb: Exactly! I will do it well. Now go out and play, my dears. Daddy needs to sleep to regain his strength, and to dream of vengeance. Sweet, sweet vengeance.

Five-Second "The Lonely Hearts Club"

WildStorm Exec: So, gentlemen, let's hear about this comic book of yours.
Zach: You'll love it, sir. It's action, adventure, and corny self-reference all rolled into one cohesive ball of spandex. And what really clinches it is the artwork. Seth, show him the sample pages you made.
Seth: Behold!
WildStorm Exec: Um... all that's on these pages is one sentence scrawled over and over. If I'm reading it correctly, it says "SETH (ME) + SUMMER (SUMMER) = HOT HOT OO YEAH 62 BANZAI."
Seth: Behold!
Zach: (...62?) Okay, look, I didn't know coming in here that Seth was completely out of his --
WildStorm Exec: It's brilliant! Revolutionary! When can you start?
Zach: Seriously? Any time you --
WildStorm Exec: Get out of my office! I hate spinelessness.

Five-Second "The Test"

Caleb: Lindsay, I would be honoured if you'd agree to let me adopt you.
Lindsay: I... (sniff)... I can't believe this! This is the happiest day of my --
Caleb: Oh, I'm not going to. I'm just saying I'd be honoured. Now pass me some of your blood so I can run a DNA test.
Lindsay: What?
Caleb: All right, you caught me. I just want to drink it. Because you're so special to me, daughter of mine.

Five-Second "The Rainy Day Women"

Seth: Whoooa, Nelly! Lindsay leaving town, Summer choosing me over Zach, Rebecca finally going away, Marissa moving in with Alex, forty days' and forty nights' worth of rain... how are we supposed to get all this into one scene?
Ryan: Clearly we can't. How 'bout we forget the whole thing and see how Luke's doing in Portland?
Luke: Guys! You've gotta help me! I've been sleeping with both of my hot French teacher's personalities, and one of them just found out about it in the other one's blog!
Seth: On second thought, let's not go to Portland.
Ryan: (nod) It's a silly place.
Luke: Wait! You don't understand! She's going to guillotine me -- that's how it's done here! Come back! I --

Five-Second "The Mallpisode"

Seth: He shoots, he -- shoot!
Summer: Nice save, Coop! You sure can manipulate a big stick!
Marissa and Ryan: (awkward glance)
Seth: Tweet! And now, a moment of silence to reflect on the fact that this is the closest thing to an NHL game in the 2004-5 TV season.
(All bow their heads solemnly)
Summer: Wait a minute. Did you just say "tweet"?
Seth: Shh!

Five-Second "The Blaze of Glory"

Alex: This isn't working, Marissa. You're inevitably going to get back together with Ryan. I know this is true because Julie Cooper said it.
Marissa: That makes no sense! Ryan rejected me in the fall. What have I done since then that would make him attracted to me again?
Alex: (narrows eyes)
Marissa: Oh. Well, yeah, I guess there's that.

Five-Second "The Brothers Grim"

Ryan: Trey? Wow, I barely recognized you. Guess jail really does change a guy.
Trey: And I have changed, bro, I promise. I'll never again ask you to help me steal anything capable of crashing.
Ryan: Guess we won't be stealing any Windows PCs then. Huh? Huh?
Trey: (blank stare)
Ryan: ...I've changed a bit too.

Five-Second "The Risky Business"

Seth: No worries, Ryan. If there's one thing I've learned from Mothra, it's how to get back a stolen egg. (rings doorbell)
Fence: Yeah, whaddaya want?
Fence: Holy crap, the Mothman Prophecies have been fulfilled! Run away!
Ryan: That was a little risky.
Seth: Ryan, Ryan, Ryan... risk is our business.

Five-Second "The Rager"

Seth: Finally, my relationship with Summer is going pretty well again. Time to sabotage it!
Marissa: You've got problems even by my standards. But at least I've managed to reconcile Ryan and Trey. You guys are pretty happy about that, right?
Trey: Ecstatic.
Marissa: This calls for a disastrous party! Can we have it here, Mom? I've always wanted to destroy your house.
Julie: Not now, honey, Mommy's looking for ammo. What do you put in a gun, anyway? Chick peas?

New! Five-Second "The OC Confidential"

Marissa: Can I have some drugs? 'Cause I totally want some. Yep. And I hear you're a dealer, which is awesome. And --
Kyle: I see you're one of the talkative ones. How 'bout I give your mouth something else to do?
Ryan: How 'bout I tell you what I like about rich drug dealers?
Kyle: Oh crud, it's a trap! I gotta --
Police: That's far enough, Admiral Ackbar. You have the right to remain silent.
Marissa: Hooray! Now Trey won't go to jail. And that's good because jail is --
Police: You have the right to remain silent too.

New! Five-Second "The Return of the Nana"

President Bush: My fellow Americans, we must unite to --
Viewers: Heyyy, what are you doing here? The OC is supposed to be on.
President Bush: Yes, I'm afraid we had to pre-emptify it. There are two important issues I need to talk to y'all about.
Viewers: Oh. What are they?
President Bush: Risin' gas prices, and Social Security. If we work together, we can destroy them both!
Viewers: Aw, this is lame. Now we have to wait another week to see what happens next.
President Bush: Actually, bein' president comes with a few privileges. How'd you folks like to know what happens in the season finale?
Viewers: Really? Cool!
President Bush: Know how Summer's been tryin' to decide between Seth and Zach? Well, in the finale, she finally makes her choice: Ryan.
Viewers: ...
President Bush: Yeah, mah thoughts exactually. I'm thinkin' about vetoin' it.

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These five-seconders were originally published on April 9, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: Shouldn't it be spelled "Christmukkah"? I mean, I checked the official site, but that T should be in there. Everything up to the M comes from "Christmas," so why leave one letter out? Those Californians are crazy.

All material © 2005, Colin Hayman.