5SF: Season 1

by Zeke

Five-Second "Premiere"

Crichton: Life's funny. You wake up one morning on your home planet and that doesn't strike you as odd. At the end of the day, you're living with alien criminals in the bowels of a space monster.
Zhaan: You're taking this well.
Crichton: Thanks. Which way is the airlock?

Five-Second "I, E.T."

Crichton: ...so I need to rescue my ugly, ugly friend and get that anaesthetic back to Moya so we can dig the Spider-Tracer out of her. Will you help me?
Fostro: C'mon, Mom! You don't have anything better to do.
Lyneea: I would have thought "Not defying the authorities and risking arrest for a stranger" might qualify as better.
Fostro: And you'd have been wrong.

Five-Second "Exodus From Genesis"

Crichton: Hmm. PeaceKeepers on board... and a massive shapeshifting bug infestation. If we could just turn them against each other....
D'Argo: I have it! Aeryn, write a "BUGS SUCK" note in PeaceKeeper shorthand!
Aeryn: Can this wait? I'm trying to die of Sebacean killer sunstroke.
D'Argo: Well, be quick about it!

Five-Second "Throne For a Loss"

D'Argo: FOOLS! I hate you all! Give me command or DIE!
Crichton: Now calm down, D'Argo, that's just the glove full of steroids talking.
D'Argo: Ha! You expect me to take you seriously and then you say gloves can talk! Did you hear that, Zha-- whoooooaaaaaa.
Zhaan: What? It's the nudity again, isn't it? You're so primitive. At least Crichton is a civilized being.
Crichton: Heh heh. Wuh-man like me. Big Luxan lose.

Five-Second "Back And Back And Back To The Future"

Matala: No I'm not.
Crichton: You're messing with the flow of time! Wait, you're not what?
Matala: Messing with the flow of time.
Crichton: Okay then. ....Hey!

Five-Second "Thank God It's Friday, Again"

Rygel: Mwahahahahaha! Whee!
Crowd: Run! The midget is blasting some kind of explosive fluid!
Crichton: ...Rygel, buddy, don't take this the wrong way, but I am never using a urinal next to you.

Five-Second "PK Tech Girl"

Crichton and Gilina: (make out)
Zhaan: Are you all right, Aeryn?
Aeryn: Fine. Why wouldn't I be fine? Why the CRAP wouldn't I be just frelling fine?
Zhaan: Well, I'm a bit concerned about the smoke gushing from your ears.

Five-Second "That Old Black Magic"

Crais: Murderer! You killed my brother!
Crichton: Crais... I am your brother.
Crais: ...
Crichton: Yeah, I had a feeling that wouldn't fly.

Five-Second "DNA Mad Scientist"

Namtar: Why fight me, human? My work is for the benefit of all life. Look how much I've improved on your friend Aeryn.
Crichton: You turned her into Pilot! That's not an improvement!
Pilot: (over the comm) First you people rip my arm off, and now this? You're literally adding insult to injury!
Crichton: Whoa, Pilot, I didn't mean --
Pilot: Moya, tell Crichton I'm not talking to him anymore. (pause) Crichton, Moya says --
Crichton: Yeah, I can guess.

Five-Second "They've Got a Secret"

Rygel: Pregnant? The ship is pregnant? Do you know how much trouble pregnant women are from the outside?
D'Argo: Yes, I do, and thank you for rubbing salt in the emotional wound that you all just found out about!
Zhaan: Cheer up, D'Argo. We'll find your son eventually.
Rygel: That's right, and I look forward to watching how you frell it up. Ha ha ha ha! -- AAIIEE! My stuffing!
Zhaan: That wasn't quite how I hoped you'd cheer up, but whatever works.

Five-Second "Till The Blood Runs Clear"

Crais Hologram: The Leviathan Moya is carrying several prisoners of great value to us. We will richly compensate anyone who retrieves the Luxan, the Delvian, and especially the Hynerian....
Rygel: Ha! At least they recognize my superiority.
Crais Hologram: ....whose people wish to kill him themselves. There is no reward for the human, John Crichton....
Crichton: Whew!
Crais Hologram: ....because you won't find him. If the other prisoners haven't killed him yet out of sheer annoyance, it's only a matter of time.
Aeryn: Let's stop interrupting the beacon, all right?

Five-Second "Rhapsody in Blue"

Zhaan: My mind to your mind. My thoughts to your thoughts....
Crichton: This is awesome! Hey, do you guys have nerve-pinches too? Like, blue nerve-pinches?
Zhaan: Will you please try to focus?
Crichton: And how often do you guys mate? Wait, I know! Once in a blue moon, right?
Zhaan: I'm choosing D'Argo for this next time.

Five-Second "The Flax"

Crichton: Well, we're stranded, almost out of air, and busting at the seams with UST. You know what we have to do now, right?
Aeryn: Fight to the death.
Crichton: ...Okay, I guess the Sebacean laws of drama are a little different. How 'bout we use the human ones? (wink, wink)
Aeryn: What, winking a lot?
Crichton: I hate this stupid galaxy.

Five-Second "Jeremiah Crichton"

D'Argo: I swear, we didn't leave you behind on purpose! It was some stupid Moya pregnancy thing!
Crichton: You expect me to buy that? Why not tell me Rygel is God while you're at it?
Acquaran Native: (seeing Rygel) It is he! Our god has come to save us!
Crichton: ...Pregnancy thing, huh?
D'Argo: She started craving starbursts.

Five-Second "Durka Returns"

Crichton: So what are we gonna do with you? You're cute and all, but you're obviously a psycho.
Chiana: So?
Crichton: So we have at least two of those already. What would you add to the crew?
Chiana: Rampant promiscuity?
Crichton: I don't kn--
D'Argo and Rygel: SHE STAYS.

Five-Second "A Human Reaction"

Ancient: I'm afraid you never really got home at all, John. We were running a simulation in your mind to see how your world would react to aliens.
Crichton: So you're going there now, right? Because I pictured everyone reacting so well?
Ancient: They dissected your friends.
Crichton: Tactfully!

Five-Second "Through The Looking Glass"

Crichton: Two, three, five... they're slashing out the prime numbers! They're showing us they're intelligent!
Rygel: Then why are they -- ow! -- making the slashes in my -- ow! -- chest?
Crichton: To show us they're really intelligent.

Five-Second "A Bug's Life"

Zhaan: All right, nobody panic, but there's a virus loose on the ship taking people over.
Crichton: (sigh) That would happen while I'm trying to make this Marauder crew think I'm a PeaceKeeper.
PK Officers: THINK you're a PeaceKeeper?
Crichton: -- Because I am one. And I wouldn't want you thinking something that wasn't true. See, there's no reason we VIRUS ATTACK!
Zhaan: Oh no, it's loose again! Why didn't I spring for the full version of McAfee?

Five-Second "Nerve"

PK Guard: Identify yourself.
Crichton: Allo! I am ze capitaine of ze seventh squadron, yes? May I aller? Oui? N'est-ce pas?
(Ten minutes later)
Crichton: Damn, that was a bust. Why did I think a French accent would convince the PKs I was British like them?
Stark: Just stay on your side of the cell, frog-boy.

Five-Second "The Hidden Memory"

Gilina: I love you, John... but you're destined for another. I'll just have to move on, deal with the loss, and know that one day -- GAK!
Scorpius: Am I interrupting anything?
Crichton: Actually, that made things a lot simpler. Thanks.
Scorpius: Don't mention it.

Five-Second "Bone To Be Wild"

Zhaan: After that intense two-parter, we need a break. Let's do an episode where the only remotely interesting thing that happens is my telling you I'm a plant.
Crichton: Sounds good. Hey, where did Stark go?
Zhaan: Yes, that would be interesting to know....
Crichton: Oh, then forget I asked.

Five-Second "Family Ties"

Crichton: Life's funny. You wake up one morning in the bowels of a space monster and that doesn't strike you as odd. At the end of the day, you're floating in space with no hope of rescue.
D'Argo: You're taking this well.
Crichton: Will you still think so in a second when I start screaming for my mommy?
D'Argo: I've been screaming for mine for ten minutes. You just can't hear it in space.
Crichton: Nice.


Got a comment on Five-Second Farscape? Contact the author, your mom.

Site navigation:
___ Five-Minute Farscape
___ ___ 5SF: Season 1

These five-seconders were originally published on April 19, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: I disclaim nothing. Except all those trademarks.

All material © 2005, Colin Hayman.