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5SE: Season 4

by Zeke

Five-Second "Storm Front I"

Archer: Alien Nazis and Suliban and Daniels --
Tucker: I'm not sayin' it, Jon. Not even fer you.
Tucker: (sigh) "Oh my."

Five-Second "Storm Front II"

Archer: So I guess that's the end of the Temporal Cold War.
T'Pol: Will you finally admit now that time travel has been impossible all along?

Five-Second "Home"

T'Les: Marry this guy.
T'Pol: Oh, fine. I will. But for how long?
T'Les: Vulcans mate for life.
T'Pol: Yeah? Then explain where Dad went.

Five-Second "Borderland"

Archer: Do I know you from somewhere? You look familiar.
Arik Soong: Don't be ridiculous.

Five-Second "Cold Station 12"

Archer: No, I'm sure I've seen you somewhere before. You can't be Vaughn Armstrong... by now I know him when I see him....
Tucker: Maybe it was somethin' we saw on Movie Night.
Archer: Aha, I've got it! That was you in Independence Day, wasn't it?
Arik Soong: This is a complete waste of my time.
Archer: Or that Threshold show maybe? No? Am I getting warmer?

Five-Second "The Augments"

Archer: Well, it took me a while -- you're a tricky man to pin down -- but I've finally figured you out. You're the William Shatner cameo we've been hearing so much about!
Mayweather: Captain, that Soong guy got tired of you and left hours ago.
Archer: Oh. Are you William Shatner?
Mayweather: I'm your helmsman.
Archer: I see....

Five-Second "The Forge"

T'Pol: ...and our pets are called sehlats. There, I believe we've now crammed all the Vulcan stuff ever established into this episode.
Archer: So what do we do with the other two parts?
T'Pol: Make up new Vulcan stuff, of course.

Five-Second "Awakening"

Archer: Wow! Now I have the katra of Surak in my brain. Stay tuned for next week when I get the ridges of Kahless on my forehead.
T'Pol: It's always you. Why can't I get the soul of Buddha in my ears or something?
Archer: You're too busy with important character development stuff like dealing with your mother's death.
T'Les: What? I'm not -- GAK!
Archer: Surak made me do it.

Five-Second "Kir'Shara"

V'Las: It's over. Our secret conspiracy has been overthrown and Vulcan society is magically going TOS-style. But at least Archer's out of our hair now.
Romulan: Do not discount Jonathan Archer yet. He is human, and --
V'Las: Hey! Get back in the shadows! We're not supposed to see your face!
Romulan: You can see it. You're a Vulcan.
V'Las: Yes, but the viewers aren't.

Five-Second "Daedalus"

Archer: Have you guys watched "The Ultimate Computer"?
Tucker: Yeah.
Archer: Good, then we can skip this week.

Five-Second "Observer Effect"

Zeke: I haven't actually seen this one yet, so I'll have to base this five-seconder entirely on its title. In this sealed box I have Porthos and a device which has a 50% chance of killing him. Let's see what happens when we open it!
Phlox: HEY! Stop, you fiend!
Zeke: Uh oh. (runs)
Phlox: The nerve of him, trying to interfere with my apparatus! Now let's see how the experiment turned out....
(Phlox opens the box)
Phlox: Huh. Two female beagles?

Five-Second "Babel One"

Archer: Have you guys watched "Journey to --"
T'Pol: You can't get away with that twice and you know it.
Shran: Heh heh. Archer knowing something. That's funny.
Archer: Now just a --
T'Pol: Shh! I think we can get the Tellarites to agree with him on that.

Five-Second "United"

Tucker: Well, we're back from our manly bonding adventure of death. How's everything here?
T'Pol: Archer and Shran had a duel to the death, and now they're better friends than ever.
Reed: That doesn't make sense. But for two different reasons, so they cancel each other out.

Five-Second "The Aenar"

Jhamel: Brother! Hear my telepathic call! Stop flying those drone ships!
Gared: Oh. Well, when you put it that way....
Archer: I think we really accomplished something today. Where's the Tellarite ambassador?
Shran: Insulting your bridge crew.
Archer: Good, good.

Five-Second "Affliction"

Phlox: Let me get this straight. You expect me to save a species?

Five-Second "Divergence"

Tucker: Almost there... allllmost... AAAAAAA! (WHAM)
Archer: Oops. Guess we should have checked to make sure there weren't any asteroids on our flight plan.
Reed: That does it, I quit my mysterious secret organization. The one that hires me without my consent... okay, I'm screwed.

New! Five-Second "Bound"

T'Pol: Well, that's just great. We get three Orion slave girls on the ship and suddenly all the male crewmembers -- i.e. everyone but me -- are transmogrified into giant talking wangs.
Sato: Heyyyy....
Tucker: I haven't. See? I'm fine.
T'Pol: You are, indeed, an exception. It would be quite impossible to transform you into what you have always been.
Tucker: (whispering to Hoshi) She likes me.


(Next week, or other time interval)

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These five-seconders were originally published on April 1, 2005.

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All material © 2005, Colin Hayman.