5SAngel: Season 4
Five-Second "Down Deep
Angel: Oh, thank heaven! After months trapped underwater in an inescapable vault, having horrible dreams and hallucinations, I'm finally free!
Fish Floating Past: No you're not.
Angel: Dammit! Couldn't you have let me enjoy that one for a while?
Five-Second "Ground State"
Angel: All right, now that I'm finally free... (pauses suspiciously)
Fred: You are.
Angel: I know that. So as I was saying, it's time to find Cordy. First we need to steal the Axis of Pythia.
Gunn: Sounds valuable. Think we'll have any competition?
Angel: Frankly, if we do, I'll be shocked.
Five-Second "The House Always Wins"
Lorne: You guys have gotta save me. I'm being forced to use my powers for evil!
Fred: Uh, right. How much evil can you do with karaoke powers?
Lorne: You don't wanna know, cupcake. You don't wanna know....
Gunn: None, huh?
Lorne: Fine. I couldn't afford a plane ticket. Happy?
Five-Second "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
Cordelia: Who are you people? Where am I?
Angel: You have amnesia? Don't worry, Cordy, we're your friends. You can trust -- (WONG)
Cordelia: HEY! You bashed me in the head! Get away from me, you jerk!
Angel: Well, I'm out of ideas. Anybody else?
Gunn: We were pretty much all thinking the head thing.
Wesley: I'll help, Fred, but remember -- killing another human being is not something to undertake lightly. It may feel good at the time, but that feeling will fade.
Fred: I --
Wesley: That's when you'll be tempted to kill someone else. And if you give in, it'll feel even better. You'll want more -- MORE! Soon you'll be killing people left and right, and the sheer joy of it will overwhelm you! Yes, the joy... the sweet exhilaration... mmm....
Fred: Maybe you're not who I should be talking to about this.
Wesley: Good idea -- go see Angel. Now there's a man with some serious massacres under his belt.
Five-Second "Spin the Bottle"
Lorne: Oh no, you've all been reverted to your teenage states! Here come the wacky hijinks!
Wacky Hijinks: Are we really needed here? I mean, most of them weren't teenagers very long ago.
Lorne: You know the rules: spell goes wrong, you report for duty. Just be glad you're not Emotional Angst. He never even gets a break.
Five-Second "Apocalypse, Nowish"
Cordelia: It's that Beast I've been dreaming about! He's going to destroy the world!
Connor: Maybe we can stop him by having sex.
Cordelia: ....It's just crazy enough to work!
Five-Second "Habeas Corpses"
Lilah: Connor's trapped in the Wolfram & Hart building, but be careful! The Beast turned everyone into zombies!
Wesley: No problem. If I can handle zombie cops, I think I can handle zombie lawyers.
Lilah: Didn't you "handle zombie cops" by getting shot by one?
Wesley: And what's a zombie lawyer going to shoot me with? A subpoena?
Five-Second "Long Day's Journey"
Gunn: Wow. I can't believe the Beast blocked out the Sun.
Fred: It's a disaster! Owls will deafen us with incessant hooting! The town sundial will be useless!
Wesley: There's only one thing to do. We must remove Angel's soul!
Wesley: Well, you haven't been much help with it, have you?
Wo-Pang: I'll basically put Angel to sleep and create a dream that will make him perfectly happy. Bunnies, sex, saving the universe, you get the idea.
Wesley: Which is why we can't explain it to Angel.
Wo-Pang: Correct. It won't work if he's expecting it.
Gunn: And not explaining it to the viewers?
Wo-Pang: Oh, that's just to mess with them.
Wesley: You're at our mercy, Angelus. Tell us what you know about the Beast.
Angelus: Hmm... what I remember best about the Beast is that you're a loser. A prissy dork pretending to be someone he's not. It's hilarious to watch. Hey, you're not writing this down.
Wesley: I'll start writing when you start talking about the Beast. Or Gunn.
Lilah: Help! Help! Angelus got out and he wants to eat me!
Cordelia: No problem! (STAB)
Cordelia: Oh wait, did you mean help you?
Angelus: Hey, it's Faith! Hey Beast-Boy, why don't you go attack her, with your unguarded back to me?
Beast: Sounds g-- GAK!
The Sun: All right! Time to grill me some vampires!
Faith: Wait a minute. Did you just save the city?
Angelus: Son of a --! I killed a guy! That's supposed to be evil!
Faith: Hey, the road to Heaven is paved with bad intentions.
Wesley: We won't find Angelus if we play by the rules. You need to re-embrace your dark side. Like... this! (STAB)
Faith: Dude! That guy didn't know anything! He was just waiting for a cab!
Wesley: You can't let your feelings get in the way! (STAB)
Faith: And that was Gunn!
Wesley: I should mention that embracing the dark side can be harmful to your aim. That one was meant for Lorne.
Angel: Thanks for putting my soul back, Willow. Again.
Willow: No problem. So who was it this time? Jaime Bergman?
Faith: Hate to interrupt the chitchat, but I hear I've got another apocalypse to stop and... and.... (faints)
Willow: Poor Faith. She really took one for the team.
Wesley: Agreed. Orpheus is an extremely dangerous hallucinogen. Which means it was probably a mistake for me to give the leftovers to Fred.
Gunn: Shut up and help me get her down from the ceiling fan!
Cordelia: Crap! How did you know I wasn't really Cordelia?
Angel: I'm a detective, remember? I could tell just from your wording, your body language, your garbage can that contained the shattered jar my soul used to be in....
Lorne: And you can bet Cordy couldn't get this pregnant this fast!
Wesley: Actually, she once did it faster.
Angel: Nobody likes a stickler, Wes.
Five-Second "Inside Out"
Connor: I can see my mom! She's talking to me!
Cordelia: Don't be silly. Whatever you're seeing, it's only wish fulfillment or a commercial or something. Now help me slaughter some innocents.
Darla: She's lying! It's really me, and I've come back to offer you long-distance savings from beyond the graaaaave!
Connor: ...Coming, Cordy.
Darla: Wait! This was the only way I could afford to appear to you! And AT&T will appear to you too -- as the best long-distance provider in the nation!
Five-Second "Shiny Happy People"
Angel: Everyone, meet Jasmine, the magical peace-bringing demon spawn of happiness.
Gunn: Wow! I thought Cordy was giving birth to a baby, not a babe!
Jasmine: I come to bring you peace and love. (mumbles) Through mind control.
Wesley: Mind control you say?
Five-Second "The Magic Bullet"
Fred: I'm so sorry I had to shoot you, Angel. In the shoulder and in the mindless bliss.
Angel: Nah, I'll be okay. I just feel like... like... you know how Xander felt at the end of "Superstar"?
Fred: I --
Angel: Well, nothing like that. I hate that guy.
Wesley: Go through the portal, Angel! Only you can survive in Jasmine's home dimension!
Angel: I can't just leave you here to die! You owe me fifty bucks!
Wesley: Let me get it out of my wallet. Close your eyes... here you go! (SHOVE)
Angel: OOF! Shoulda seen that one coming.
Five-Second "Peace Out"
Jasmine: My friends, let us embark on a new era of peace!
Angel: (coming through a portal) Not so fast! Let's see what happens when this guy speaks your true name!
Name Keeper's Severed Head: Zoooooeeeee....
Everyone in the World: Ew! Maggots! That's not pretty at all!
Jasmine: Damn you, Angel! Well, at least I still have your son on my s-- GAK!
Connor: Don't take it personally. I do this stuff to people on my side all the time.
Angel: All right, here's the deal. I'm not going to start being evil. But I will take over your evil corporation on condition that you create a new and better lie for Connor to live, rob my friends of the memories that have shaped their last two years, and give me something I can kill Spike with.
Lilah: (smile) Angel, I think you're going to fit in here just fine.
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These five-seconders were originally published on April 19, 2005.
DISCLAIMER: I disclaim nothing. Except all those trademarks.
All material © 2005, Colin Hayman.