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Five-Minute "Shuttlepod One"

by Zeke

Computer: Danger! Danger!
Reed: What's that thing babbling about?
Tucker: Oh, it's just annoyed that I disconnected its sensors. It doesn't understand the need for plot devices.
Reed: That's because it's an American computer. British ones are more sophisticated, not to mention better-looking.
Tucker: Don't knock the States! Need I remind you that varp drive vas an American inwention?
Reed: The same warp drive that enabled Enterprise to crash into this asteroid?
Tucker: Ohhhhh crap.

Captain's Log: Actually, we're not dead. But since we're fictional, we're not really alive either. It's confusing.

Archer: How are the offscreen aliens doing? Hope the senseless, unnecessary destruction of their ship didn't bother them.
Sato: Nope, they're cool with that. We've supplied them with boron to breathe, too.
Archer: I thought boron was only a gas at 4000 K.
Sato: Really? That explains why they all caught fire.

Tucker: Okay, let's see...we're stuck in a shuttle with only ten days of air, and everybody who could save us is dead. I'm pretty happy with that, you?
Reed: Happy? I'm the opposite of happy! I am to happy as kryptonite is to Superman! I--
Tucker: All right already, I get it. Just launch the shuttle in some random direction....
Reed: You got it!
Tucker: ....that doesn't slam us into the asteroid.
Reed: Curses.

T'Pol: So let me get this straight...the explosion sheared off the most readily identifiable part of the ship, doing no other damage?
Archer: Yep. Cool, huh?
T'Pol: And then we left said part of the ship to blend in with the alien wreckage?
Archer: I'm hoping Trip and Reed find it. Can you picture the looks on their faces?
T'Pol: It's not like I expect sanity from you, but it sure would be nice once in a while.

Reed: So I guess what I'm saying, Phil, is that....
Tucker: Will you stop recording letters already? I'm trying to sleep!
Reed: No you're not. You've got a flashlight under the covers.
Tucker: And you don't even know anybody named Phil.
Reed: Stop changing the subject.

Tucker: Okay, lunchtime. I'm going to eat these really, really, really thick mashed potatoes.
Reed: Are you sure that's not valve sealant?
Tucker: Quiet! I've got a nice denial going here.
Computer: How can you two eat at a time like this? We're going to die! I'm going to die!
Reed: Which will constitute two big losses and one major gain for the universe.
Computer: Exactly! Hey, wait a minute....

Archer: Welcome back, you hero, you.
Reed: Hero? What did I do?
Archer: Well, first you sedated Trip, who'd gone insane with claustrophobia and tried to kill you both. You used the rest of your time on the shuttle to find a proof of Fermat's last theorem, and then a different, better one.
T'Pol: Math is
such a turn-on. Rowr!
Reed: Oh, wow! This is like some wonderful dream....
Reed: You must have been having some nightmare.

Galaxy: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Tucker: Was that the galaxy laughing at us?
Reed: I think it was the computer, actually.
Computer: GASP! How can you make such an accusation?
Galaxy: Ha ha ha. You all suck. Except the computer, he's pretty cool.
Tucker: You're pathetic.

Tucker: Oh no! Tiny black holes are buffeting us!
Reed: Could be worse. Could be normal black holes.
Tucker: Actually, I hear those aren't so bad. My buddy Dylan says --
Reed: Shut up and give me your "mashed potatoes."
Tucker: What, to seal the holes in the hull?
Reed: To scare off the black holes. Not even they would eat this stuff.

Tucker: Bad news. We've lost one of our air tanks, cutting our supply down to two days' worth.
Reed: But we had ten before! Why were we keeping eighty percent of our air in just one tank?
Tucker: We needed the space in the other tank for something even more important.
Reed: What?
Tucker: Beer! Come on, help me get these sixpacks out.
Reed: You consider beer more important than air?
Tucker: That reminds me -- I'm turning off the heat in here. Can't let the beer get warm.

Archer: Found out what killed the alien ship yet?
T'Pol: Plot devices.
Archer: Very funny.
T'Pol: No, I'm serious. Ever heard of microsingularities? According to my research, they have a distorting effect on the narrative continuum in their vicinity.
Archer: Making them devices that affect plots...I get it already. Fine. Do you think they're still around?
T'Pol: You bet. They're probably messing with the shuttle crew as we speak.
Archer: No hurry to go back for them, then. They're at no risk of boredom.

Reed: ....will love you for all time. Sincerely, Malcolm "Casanova" Reed. OK computer, save a copy of that letter for each female name in your database.
Computer: You're so shallow!
Reed: And make a copy for yourself too.
Computer: Awwww...you're so sweet.

Reed: Well, let's put this beer to use...a toast to the Enterprise crew and their intensely painful deaths.
Tucker: Hey, don't feel bad. They died doing what they loved: asphyxiating.
Reed: Yeah, I suppose good times were had by all. Now put that candle out!
Tucker: What? How do you expect me to light my cigars?
Reed: WAAAAAAAAA! Those guys were (sob) the best friends I ever (sob) had, and now the only one left (sob) won't --
Tucker: All right, all right! Just stop blubbering.

Reed: Hic. We are so blasted.
Tucker: You and your stupid weapons. Hic. Can't we something else about talk?
Reed: Okay, let's discussissus T'Pol. What a (hic) babe.
Tucker: You said it. Said it you. You, it said.
Computer: This scene is a travesty!
Reed: You mean the pathetic attempt to convey drunken discourse in a textual medium?
Computer: No, the pathetic attempt to reinforce your heterosexuality! How dare you two be straight? How DARE you? This is an insult to all viewers everywhere!
Tucker: Malcolm, has the computer been into the beer?
Reed: Nah, it's always like this.

Archer: (over the comm) Hi, guys! How did you like that "we're all dead" joke? Pretty funny, eh?
Tucker: Blow it out your ear, you son of a --
Archer: I can't hear you, stupid. Anyway, don't worry about the air. We'll come pick you up as soon as it's long since run out.
Reed: What a relief!

Tucker: Okay, we need a plan.
Reed: No problem -- I've already come up with thirty-eight.
Tucker: That's a good start. Now eliminate all the ones that involve blowing up the shuttle.
Reed: Well, one plan is better than none.

Tucker: I think I'll go sacrifice my life for you now.
Reed: Oh, sit down! You're getting delusional.
Tucker: I don't see anyone else getting --
Computer: You know what you two are? Mary Sues! That's what you are!
Tucker: Never mind.

T'Pol: Welcome back, you hero, you.
Reed: You really think that?
T'Pol: Nope, just messing with your mind. But thanks for bringing back my beloved Trip. I think I'll kiss him now.
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 21, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, Zeke.