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Five-Minute "Detained"

by Zeke

Archer: Oh, great. Can't I go to sleep just once without waking up in jail?
Mayweather: Yawwwn... good mornAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Archer: What's wrong, Travis?
Mayweather: What do you think? I woke up next to YOU! Oh God... how much did I drink last night?
Archer: Oh, stop that. Not only are you being irrationally paranoid, but you're encouraging the slashers.

Guard: Everybody out! Inspection time!
Mayweather: Uh oh. What do you think they inspect here?
Archer: Just relax, Travis. I'll handle this with my Eagle Scout training.
Guard: Now then, you two --
Archer: Sir, I know we're not in proper uniform, but I ask that you please be lenient. My friend and I stopped to help an old lady cross the street on the way here, and as soon as she got to the other side, she gassed us and stole our clothes.
Guard: Buh?
Archer: You'll let it go just this once? Thank you so much, sir. It won't happen again.
Guard: Buh?
Mayweather: I think all you did was confuse him, Captain.
Archer: I was aiming for a Good Citizenship badge, but it'll do.

Tucker: Hey T'Pol, I was just thinking how --
T'Pol: Silence, fool! We're not supposed to appear yet. It's a suspense-building tactic.
Tucker: But this is important!
T'Pol: All right, fine. What is it?
Tucker: I forget.
T'Pol: Get out of my sight.

Guard: The Colonel wants to see you.
Archer: Understandable. Tell her I'm flattered, but I don't really have room in my life for a relationship right now.
Guard: The Colonel's a man.
Archer: Those slashers will stop at nothing, will they? Fine, tell him I --
Guard: I'll give you three seconds to stop misinterpreting me.
Archer: Seconds? Thanks, but I'm full.
Guard: Okay, you just made my list.

Colonel Grat: Good morning, Captain Archer. I trust you slept well?
Archer: More or less. I had this weird dream where I was the last guardian of a fallen civilization and recruited an unlikely crew to reunite the galaxies.
Grat: Pretty farfetched. Anyway, pleased to finally meet you.
Archer: You've heard of me?
Grat: You were on the cover of GQ last month, remember? Very interesting read. At one point, you told the interviewer to take her Vulcan cynicism and bury it.
Archer: That's just my way of being friendly.
Grat: Ah. Well, anyway, don't worry -- we'll have you out of here well before this becomes a ripoff of every prison drama ever made. For now, just go back to rotting in your cell.
Archer: Sounds good. I'm off then... take your Vulcan cynicism and bury it.
Grat: Thanks, you too.

Archer: Yikes! A Suliban!
Danik: What's it to you?
Archer: A seven-letter word for “slimy evildoer.” Found that in a crossword puzzle.
Danik: But it was a misprint. The answer was supposed to be “Clinton.” They printed a correction the next issue....
Guard: That's it, you get a night in jail!
Danik: But I was just --
Guard: Move it! MOVE IT!
Archer: Wow. Tough place.
Mayweather: You think that's bad? While you were out, they repainted our room in ecru. Ecru!

Sato: The Tandaran base is hailing us.
T'Pol: They'd better not be trying to sell us encyclopedias again. On screen.
Grat: (over the comm) Greetings. Can we interest you in --
Sato: Hey, I know you!
Grat: What? That's impossible.
Sato: Oh no it's not! You were that guy from --
Grat: Shhh! I'm trying to start a new life here! How much money will it take to keep you quiet?
Sato: Just beam your vault to my quarters, “Grat.”
T'Pol: Ensign, that's enough. Starfleet regulations specifically forbid using the ship's comm line for personal mail, e-mail, or blackmail.

Mayweather: Welcome back. How was solitary?
Danik: Solitary.
Archer: How odd. Anyway, before we were interrupted, you were telling a joke... something about not being evil.
Danik: That wasn't a joke.
Archer: Not a good one, anyway. Reminded me of those lame “five-minute parodies” I used to read.
Mayweather: Can we get back on topic here? I think this guy's going to tell us what moral we're bashing the audience around with this week.
Danik: Racial profiling, mostly. Also the dangers of greed.
Archer: Huh. Where does that come up?

Sato: Ninety-eight, ninety-nine... one hundred billion! WOO-HOO!
T'Pol: That's a lot of cash all right. Grat's secret must be pretty important to him.
Sato: Oh, yes. You might say he should have looked before he leapt.
Grat: (over the comm) Hey, stop that! No hinting!

Sajen: What are these humans doing here?
Danik: They say they're on our side.
Sajen: In other words, you can't get rid of them.
Danik: I've tried Raid, I've tried DDT....
Archer: We resent that!
Mayweather: Actually, I'm kinda flattered. Being an insect would be a step up for me.
Archer: Oh, quit your whining. It's not for us to choose who gets the most lines -- they're meted out by the Powers That Be.
Mayweather: Groaaan. Do we have to do an Angel reference every single week?

Grat: Mind if I shed my good-guy facade for a minute?
Archer: Be my guest.
Grat: Then let the interrogation begin. What do you know about Silik?
Archer: Hmmm... well, he can survive in the vacuum of space.
Grat: What? That's preposterous! I can think of at least five scientific problems with --
Archer: Oh, and he has this room where time goes wonky.
Grat: Enough! There's no point in interrogating you if you're just going to make stuff up!

T'Pol: You're out of uniform, Ensign.
Sato: You're just jealous because you can't afford a solid platinum Armani. So where do we beam this communicator to?
T'Pol: The captain's cell. The hard part will be finding --
Sato: No problem. I bought something from Grat that'll help us out.
T'Pol: A map of the prison?
Sato: A set of encyclopedias. Let's see... “Archer, Jon: Earth's answer to Buzz Lightyear. Currently residing in Cell K9.”
T'Pol: Heheheh. They stuck him in the kennel.

Danik: ....and they stuck her in a different prison because leaving couples together wouldn't have been mean enough for them. Well, that's my sob story. Like it?
Archer: I'm... I'm moved to tears.
Mayweather: You're not crying, Captain.
Archer: Did I say my tears? Well, I'm convinced. I'm making a plan to free all the Suliban.
Mayweather: I thought you decided not to interfere with other cultures.
Archer: Geez, what show have YOU been watching?

Sajen: Quit pretending you're on our side -- Suliban terrify you.
Mayweather: Well, duh. Rabbits terrify me. Kleenex terrifies me.
Sajen: You can stop now.
Mayweather: Fantasia terrifies me. Those hippos in tutus... shudder.
Sajen: I said stop!

Mayweather: Hey, where'd that communicator come from?
Archer: It must be one of those spontaneous communicators. Let's see who's calling.
T'Pol: (over the comm) Captain! Are you there?
Archer: No, you've reached the Vulcan Theatre Guild, where monotony meets soliloquy.
T'Pol: I'll introduce you to the rudiments of tact later. First, there's someone here who misses you.
Porthos: (over the comm) Ruff! RUFF! Ruffruffruff!
Archer: Oh, hi Trip! How're you doing?

Sato: I slept on a mattress made of caviar last night. Can you say that? No!
Reed: Don't you think you're being a little shortsighted with all this money?
Sato: No, I think you're being a little shortsighted with all this money.
Reed: That doesn't make sense.
Sato: You dare to criticize the logic of Queen Hoshi? I punish you with a dangerous and foolhardy away mission!
Reed: “Queen Hoshi?”
Sato: You'd be surprised how far fifty million pounds will get you at Buckingham Palace.

Archer: For the last time, Silik did not tell me what his cousin's middle name was.
Grat: You're lying! You just want to conceal information from us!
Archer: I won't deny that last part, but....
Grat: That does it! Guard, beat up Mayweather!
Guard: Roger. I'll go get the Stick of Whuppin'.
Grat: So, Captain... feeling a little less reticent now that your friend is in danger?
Archer: You'd think so, wouldn't you?

T'Pol: Bridge to Phlox. How's the work coming?
Phlox: (over the comm) I'm already done, Subcommander, and I believe Ms. Reed will be very pleased when she wakes up.
T'Pol: What the--? You were supposed to make him look like a Suliban!
Phlox: And you didn't specify the gender, now did you?

Mayweather: Let's get one thing straight: you suck.
Sajen: This is the comeuppance I was scheduled for?

T'Pol: Hi again, Colonel. We'd like to --
Grat: (over the comm) No. She can't have any more money. I've given her everything I own.
T'Pol: I was wondering what the nudity was about. But don't worry, we're just here to destroy your prison.
Grat: With the prisoners in it?
T'Pol: Hmm, let me think about that. No.
Grat: Can I at least attack Archer in a genocidal frenzy?
T'Pol: Sure, on condition that you put some clothes on!

Mayweather: Another Suliban. Are you okay, ma'am?
Reed: It's me, Travis! And -- hey, wait a minute. Did you say “ma'am”?
Mayweather: Yeah....
Reed: Dammit! Not again! I've already HAD a sex change this season!
Tucker: (over the comm) Just be glad you're not pregnant.
Reed: Mind your own business.

Archer: Hey Malcolm. Glad you could make it.
Reed: Hoshi paid my air fare. I can't believe she wouldn't spring for first class....
Archer: All right, let's discuss strategy. Basically, I'm gonna do “Let's move these people out” à la Picard in Insurrection.
Mayweather: Oh, I get it. You're trying to get stuck in a cave-in with some babe.
Archer: Am not.
Mayweather: Are too.
Archer: Am not.
Sajen: These humans sure do have maturity under fire.

Sato: And here's the diamond collar I bought you! Like it?
Porthos: Ruff.
Sato: Something wrong, Porthos? You haven't touched your solid gold dog food.
Porthos: Ruff... ruff ruff....
Sato: Oh, can't any of you people just accept that I'm rich now? Always with the “be careful or you'll lose it all” junk! I'm sick of it!
Porthos: Ruff!
Sato: Yeah? So's your mother!
Porthos: GRRRRRRRR....
Sato: Uh oh.

Sajen: YEOW!
Danik: Problems?
Sajen: I'm shot!
Danik: What does that have to do with problems?
Mayweather: Oh, just go back and help him, you meathead.

Grat: And furthermore, YOU SON OF A BLATCH! Why are you helping them? We have to exterminate the brutes, dammit!
Archer: Are you just about through? I'm on a deadline here. Also, where in God's name are your pants?
Grat: That's not impAAAAAAAAA!
Archer: Wow. I've never seen someone choke on his own bigotry before.

T'Pol: What's the prognosis?
Phlox: Porthos didn't exactly pull his punches -- Ensign Sato needs massive surgery. I'm confident that I can rebuild her....
T'Pol: Don't tell me: you have the technology.
Phlox: Ahem. Yes. But the operation will cost one hundred billion dollars.
T'Pol: We'll have to sell back all the stuff she bought, but that should be enough.
Phlox: There's a valuable lesson to be learned here about greed.
T'Pol: Not as valuable as the lesson about insulting Porthos' mother.

Archer: And thus the episode ends. Everything is resolved.
Mayweather: But we never found out what happened to Danik and Sajen.
Archer: In what way does that affect my observation that everything is resolved?
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on May 25, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, Zeke.