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Five-Minute "Dear Doctor"

by Zeke

Phlox: Hi, everybody!
Phlox's Menagerie: Hi, Dr. Phlox!

Sato: Mail call.
Phlox: Okay. Calling all males....
Sato: No! Bad Phlox! Just take your letter.
Phlox: Thanks. Hope it's nothing secret, though -- word has it you read these things.
Sato: That's preposterous. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go bring Crewman Arbuckle his Dear John letter.

Lucas: Dear Dr. Phlox....who ARE you? Why do you keep writing me? Leave me alone, you stalker!
Phlox: Sounds like somebody needs another letter.

Dear Dr. Lucas: Well, it's another ordinary day for the only Cardassian on Enterprise. My work is moderate....
Porthos: RUFF! RUFF!
Phlox: I've found the problem, sir. You put his new collar on inside out.
Archer: Why would that be hurting him?
Phlox: You're aware that it's a spiked collar, right?
....my friends are good company....
Phlox: Shall we have lunch?
Reed: Dear GOD, no.
....and the crew are slowly overcoming their nervousness about me.
Phlox: Good morning, gentlemen!
Crewman 1: Um....
Crewman 2: Er....
Crewman 3: RUN!

Cutler: Wasn't that a great movie?
Phlox: I guess. I could have done without the crying man, though.
Cutler: That was Trip...you watched the audience and thought it was the movie, didn't you?
Phlox: I think it was the widescreen format that fooled me.

Valakian: OWW! OWWWWWWW!
Phlox: Funny, you don't seem to be injured....
Valakian: I was just getting your attention. See, my planet is plague-infested and--
Archer: Cool! Let's go!

Sato: You think Cutler wants you? Hahahaha!
Phlox: You're supposed to be speaking Denobulan.
Sato: She's human, you doofus...it's just your ego talking.
Phlox: At least it's talking in Denobulan.
Sato: Will you cut that out?

Valakian Doctor: Welcome to our hospital...OF DOOOOM!
Archer: I don't see any doom. There are chairs, though.
Doctor: And do you honestly think "Hospital of Chairs" sounds dramatic or intimidating?
Phlox: Let's find out. Phlox to Mayweather: want to come visit this Hospital of Chairs?
Mayweather: (over the comm) AAAAAAAAAAA!
Doctor: Wow! You may have a point there.

T'Pol: I think we should have some redshirts here to guard Phlox.
Archer: Be honest -- you just want them to catch the disease.
T'Pol: Wouldn't it be exciting? Our first "shipboard plague" episode!

Doctor: ....and this is a Menk. His species coexists with ours in a society of debatable fairness.
Phlox: Good thinking. All this episode needed was to be even more like "Critical Care."
Doctor: Don't make me sic the Allocator on you.

As the only other Cardassian on the ship, T'Pol has a certain commonality with--
T'Pol: Will you stop talking to your imaginary friend and treat my cavity?
Phlox: Sure. Excuse me while I go get a more painful drill.

Archer: Cured the disease yet? If not, you suck.
Phlox: Look, it's a really hard disease. A really, really, really hard disease. In fact -- it's impossible! Ha!
Archer: Stick to "really hard." Remember, you need to find a cure later or the plot doesn't work.
Phlox: True. Point taken.

The Menk aren't really mistreated, but the humans seem to think so....
Sato: You bet we do. I mean, come on -- what kind of a name is "Menk"?
Phlox: Ahem. Denobulan, Ensign?
Sato: Sigh...."Thoroughbred coaster wind are clockwise yes." Better?
Phlox: Much.

Cutler: Enough buildup -- let's kiss or something.
Phlox: I have three wives.
Cutler: Oh. Is that a Denobulan thing?
Phlox: No, I bought them off some guy with big hair who was having a three-for-one sale. But there are other differences between our species.
She looked up at me, disappointment lining her graceful human features, and asked....
Cutler: Such as talking to yourself?
Phlox: Yes, that's one of them.

Valakian Patient: Can we please have warp drive? Pleeease?
Archer: Um...I'll think about it, but the answer's no.
Patient: I appreciate your consideration.

Archer: I'm right about the "no warp" thing, right?
T'Pol: Of course. After all, that's how we Vulcans do things.
Archer: Okay, now I'm confused. Don't I hate Vulcans?
T'Pol: Last time I checked.
Archer: Then why am I....
T'Pol: Don't bother, sir. The mysteries of your illogical mind are beyond the comprehension of your illogical mind.

Phlox: I've found the cure.
Archer: About time. Okay, you be Picard and I'll be Nikolai Rozhenko.
Phlox: "Even if it pains us, we must not interfere in the natural development of a civilization."
Archer: "So you expect me to stand by while people die?"
Phlox: "We don't have the right to play God!"
Archer: "If you think I'll turn my back on my own wife...."
Phlox: Wife?
Archer: Sorry, got a little too much in character there.

Archer's thinking it over. I hope he comes to the wrong decision....
Archer: I've changed my mind. Let's let them die.
Sweet! I got my wish.

Archer: Sorry, guys, we don't have a cure. Wink, wink.
Doctor: Are you winking?
Archer: No. Anyway, here are some band-aids and leeches and stuff. Have a nice death.
Doctor: Thanks so much for your help...we really appreciate it.
The hardest part was listening to them talk this way even though I had a cure. Being above right and wrong can be so painful....
Doctor: Hold it! You have a cure?
Archer: Phlox, I told you over and over: Don't bring the log recorder to the planet. What's wrong with you?

Phlox: Sigh...I'm feeling kinda down.
Sato: Try washing your hands over and over again. Maybe you'll eventually get the blood off.
Phlox: Fortunately, what you just said is Denobulan for "Ask Cutler out."

Phlox: And thus ends another fun adventure. Goodnight, everybody!
The Menagerie: Goodnight, you monster.
Phlox: Don't make me put you in The Cage.
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on January 25, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, Zeke.