by Derek Dean
Chief Engineer's Log: I'm alone, in an uncharted part of this star system. There are a lot of moons in the area, and one seems to be flying directly at me.
Archer: That's no moon, it's a spaceship.
Tucker: It's too small to be a spaceship!
Tucker: That's it -- I'm going down.
Sato: (on the comm) Trip, you had a fall. Can you hear me?
T'Pol: I don't think he'll be able to. The moons are causing interference.
Reed: Permission to destroy them all, sir?
Archer: What if Trip's on one of those moons?
T'Pol: Good point. Mr. Reed, you may fire when ready.
Chief Engineer's Log: The engines are shot, all the beer bottles broke, and the transceiver needs some repairs. Fortunately, my volleyball survived intact.
Tucker: Look what I have created! I have made fire!
Wilson: Aren't you supposed to be fixing the transceiver?
Tucker: Hey, I'm working my way up. Next I need to create the wheel.
Wilson: You realize that guy over there is stealing your transceiver, right?
Tucker: Whoops. Guess I should've stayed more on the ball.
Sato: The Arkonians are hailing us, sir.
Khata'n Zshaar: (over the comm) What? A Vulcan! Vulcans make Zshaar ANGRY!
Archer: Hi there! We're looking for our engineer who was shot down by one of your ships.
Zshaar: Yes, we're looking for our raider ship. And I suppose the pilot as well.
Archer: Why don't we team up? Together we can find Charles Tucker and the Raider of the lost Arkonian!
Chief Engineer's Log: Why did I have to get stuck on a planet with this guy instead of someone cool like a Romulan? Aw, who am I kidding? A chief engineer and a Romulan stranded on a planet... it'll never happen.
Recorded Voice: This is definitely not a recorded voice. Now try to find me.
Tucker: Heh, he's falling for it. And now while he's not looking I think I'll just take this transceiver and --
Tucker: -- get caught.
Tucker: Look, all I want is to be able to fix the transceiver before dawn comes.
Zho'Kaan: Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra.
Tucker: Forget it. There's no way I'll be able to understand that.
T'Pol: The Arkonians hate the Vulcans after a botched first contact.
Archer: Is there any species you haven't had a botched first contact with?
T'Pol: Hey, this wasn't our fault. They were deceitful, suspicious, and arrogant and they hated us for being better at it than them.
Tucker: Look, if I'm going to be fixin' stuff, then we need to get our names straight. My name's Trip.
Zho'Kaan: Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra.
Tucker: Wait, is your name Darmok or Jalad?
Zho'Kaan: Gilgamesh and Enkidu at Uruk.
Tucker: Never mind. How about: Me Tarzan, you Jane. Got it?
T'Pol: Bad news. When a moon goes sunny side up, it gets hot enough to fry an egg on its surface.
Archer: ...And the bad news is that we're out of eggs?
T'Pol: The bad news is that Trip will be fried!
Archer: Oh. I think there's only one thing to do then.
Reed: Agreed. Arming all weapons. Targetting the sun.
Tucker: Alright. I've got the transceiver working. Let's try a little test.
Tucker: Well, it shorted out here, but maybe it won't if we're on top of a mountain.
Zho'Kaan: Shaka, when the walls fell.
Tucker: Shut up, Jane. You're big, stupid, and ugly. Now having said that, let me untie you.
Tucker: Spit? Geez, do you even know how to fight?
Tucker: Ha! Broke your toe! That means I win the fight! Now help me take the transceiver up the mountain.
Zho'Kaan: Mirab, his sails unfurled.
Tucker: Sigh. Why couldn't I be making the ascent with one of those short guys from last year?
Chief Engineer's Log: So we got the transceiver to the top, but no one's answered our hails. To make matters worse, dawn is coming, and not in the "new little sister" way, but in the "Here Comes the Sun" way.
Zho'Kaan: Do-en do do!
Tucker: Hey, you! Get off of my log!
Hoshi: (over the comm) Trip? Trip? You had a fall.
Tucker: That's not very funny. Just get me out of here.
Archer: (over the comm) We could beam you up, but we can't beam up your friend.
Tucker: See ya, Jane. It's been real.
Archer: Unfortunately Malcolm drained all the ship's power in a futile effort to blow up the sun, so you'll have to wait for the Arkonians to send a shuttle for you anyway.
Tucker: While we're waiting for the shuttle, let me tell you about some of my adventures. I got pregnant. I unsuccessfully tried to kill Phlox. I got trapped in a shuttle with Malcolm. I -- Is there room for one more on your ship?
Tucker: Wait, you can understand me? Why didn't you tell me that earlier?
Zho'Kaan: I didn't want to encourage you.
Zshaar: Thanks for saving our pilot. Now leave.
T'Pol: Wow, he only spat on you twice. You've done better than most Vulcan captains.
Tucker: Now that we can communicate with each other, is there anything you want to say to me?
Zho'Kaan: Your Mickey Mouse is one big stupid dope.
Tucker: Well, that made it all worth it.
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)
Previous fiver: Vanishing Point
Next fiver: Cease Fire
Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Derek Dean.
Haven't seen the episode? Keckler's TWOP recap will get you up to speed.
___ Five-Minute Enterprise
___ ___ Season 2
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "Dawn"
DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.
All material © 2006, Derek Dean.