Five-Minute "Broken Bow"
Henry Archer: Jonathan...I am your father.|
Archer: I know that, Dad.
Henry Archer: Oh. Well, do I still get to cut your hand off?
Farmer Moore: Uh oh -- there's a ridge-headed alien in my cornfield. And it's a safe bet he's not here for Jiffy-Pop poppers.
Archer: This ship is so beautiful....
Admiral Forrest: This mutant Klingon showed up in Oklahoma; we'll have to send back his corpse.
Reed: I don't like the looks of this transporter thing. What if it malfunctions? It could fuse people or super-age them or split them in two....
Tucker: Hi, I'm Tucker. Call me Trip.
Sato: Sorry, I'm not coming on the mission.
T'Pol: Hello. I hate your guts.
Admiral Forrest: Before we finally get rid of Archer, let's watch a video of everybody's hero, Zefram Cochrane.
Archer: To launch this ship, I need a catch phrase. I've got it: "Skinnamarinky-dinky-dink, skinnamarinky-doo"!
Silik: I am eeeevil. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Archer: Well, I hope I'll come to respect your medical skill.
Mayweather: Feel the wonky gravity in here? I call it the sweet spot.
Archer: Let us dine and trade veiled insults.
T'Pol: Quit talking to me in Vulcan.
Klaang: GRAAROOGA! KRAALLTAGAR!
Reed: Uh oh -- we just lost all our power.
Suliban: We need to borrow your Klingon.
Archer: They took our Klingon!
Phlox: This is no ordinary Suliban. This is a widescreen digitally-remastered THX director's-cut Suliban.
Sato: The Klingon mentioned something called Rigel.
Silik: Any luck with the Klingon?
T'Pol: We'll be taking a shuttle down to the planet. Be very careful -- people may try to steal our extremely cool leather jackets.
Mayweather: Seen any Klingons?
T'Pol: You humans are too impulsive.
Archer: Hmm...I think I hear Suliban. They probably have us outnumbered. Let's fight them!
Sarin: Gimme some sugar, baby!
T'Pol: We need to get back to the shuttle. Captain, if you're planning a heroic injury, now would be the best time.
T'Pol: Take us up to the ship. I'm taking command.
Archer: Damn wind.
Tucker: Here comes my favourite part! To decontaminate ourselves, we have to go rub gel on each other.
Phlox: This eel will heal your wound, since "eel" and "heal" rhyme.
T'Pol: In your absence, I decided not to take the ship to Earth.
Enterprise Starlog: See how I said "Starlog" there and didn't give a stardate? That indicates how retro we are.
Archer: Hard to believe a Vulcan would change her mind. No, "hard" isn't right...what's the word I'm looking for?
Silik: The Klingon isn't helping, but he may have left something with Archer.
T'Pol: There's the Suliban base. How do we get in?
Reed: Here are your new weapons. They're like lasers, but they're also like guns, so we call them phase pistols.
Archer: Well, the ship's yours. Command well.
Klaang: GRAK! KARGLEKKRO!
Sato: AAAAAAAA! They're firing on us!
Archer: Take Klaang back to the ship. I'll just hang out here till you return.
Sato: I can hear the shuttle coming.
Archer: Hmm...a room in which time behaves strangely.
T'Pol: I don't see why we should go back for Archer.
Silik: You're free to go, Captain.
Archer: Oh boy.
Tucker: (over the comm) Okay, Archer's on board.
Klaang: GROONY KAFRAP! TRIGWARK!
Archer: Thus ends this mission. Think you could stick around for the next, oh, seven years?
Archer: Starfleet says we can begin exploring the galaxy. To kick off this bold mission, let's fly into an ion storm.
Next fiver: Fight or Flight|
Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Zeke.
Haven't seen the episode? Keckler's TWOP recap will get you up to speed.
DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.
TN DISCLAIMER: Colin 'Zeke' Hayman has been parodying Trek for over a year now at his website, Five-Minute Voyager, where ST episodes are reduced to "fivers" of one-twelfth their original length. He promises that this is the last time he'll use the traditional Chakotay jokes in an Enterprise parody.
All material © 2001, Zeke.