Archer: Hi, Im Jon Archer. The author of this bizarre series of parodies, currently using me as a mouthpiece, would like to apologize sincerely for making you wait... how long was it?|
Mayweather: Seven weeks, sir.
Archer: Aye caramba on a stick! Anyway, to explain our plan for the seven missed episodes, heres a frothing-mad ape.
General Thade: KILL THEM ALL!
Archer: Thank you, General. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the author plans to kill his backlog all at once, so youll be seeing at least one new fiver per day until theyre all done. And to capitalize on the male 19-35 demographic, therell be plenty of Hoshi Sato.
Mayweather: Um, Captain, about Hoshi... remember how she left last week to find work in another franchise?
Archer: What, you mean she hasnt come back yet?
Mayweather: Last we heard, she was trying for a cameo in Attack of the Clones.
Archer: Shoot. Guess all you young bucks will have to be content with explosions instead.
Mayweather: And then there are our FX budget cuts....
Archer: Be quiet, Travis.
Grish: Good news, fellow stooges: weve located Enterprise.
Ulis: Yarrrrr, mateys... thar be our prey. Plunder ahoy!
Ulis: What? Im just trying to do a little metaphor. You know... pirates, Ferengi....
Muk: Youre pathetic.
Reed: Hey look, a cute cloud of gas.
Reed: Yeah -- its a real knockout! HA HA HA HA HA! Ow.
TPol: You could have just waited for the gas to get him, sir.
Archer: Time was of the essence.
Muk: Looks like the gas worked. Now what?
Ulis: Well just come aboard, steal what we can, and shanshu in plrtz glrb.
Ulis: Vz whfg fcrnxvat Sreratv.
Grish: Oh great, hes speaking Ferengi. Now the rest of us will have to.
Krem: Guvf unf cybg qrivpr jevggra nyy bire vg.
Grish: You said it, man.
Tucker: Hello? Ive been in decon for 96 hours now. Why hasnt anyone let me out?
Computer: Because nobody likes you.
Tucker: Im tired of your putdowns. Get this door open.
Computer: Im afraid I cant do that, Charles.
Tucker: Shoot. Good thing I have the Hammer of Crushing in my pocket here....
Tucker: Yikes! Theyre stealing our stuff and rounding up the babes! Id better eavesdrop.
Grish: Jrer bar srznyr fubeg. Jurerf Fngb?
Muk: Trg onpx gb jbex, lbh ohz.
Tucker: Hmm... there seems to be a translation problem here. Tucker to Hoshi: good news. Youre actually needed for once.
Sato: (over the comm) Can this wait? Its a really really bad time.
Tucker: Bad time? What are you--
Baron Harkonnen: (over the comm) There! Thats the woman who was translating for House Atreides! Sardaukar: DESTROY!
Sato: Look, Trip, can I call you back?
Muk: Vs lbh pna ernq guvf, lbh unir gbb zhpu fcner gvzr... oh, screw it! Im switching back before we all drown in illegibility.
Grish: You know, the boss isnt gonna like FOR GODS SAKE PUT THAT BOOT BACK ON! Nobody needs to see that! Curse my Ferengi eyes....
Archer: Yawwwwn... that was a nice nap. Lots of dreams about Orion slave girls in stylish but conservative business suits. Hey, who are you?
Ulis: Your captor. I was planning to grill you for information, but youve already provided more than anyone ever needed to know.
Archer: Gimme a break about that, okay? Id only been awake for three seconds.
Ulis: Fine, well try the grilling. Wheres your vault?
Archer: You mean the one where I keep my cache of Andorian sewing magazines?
Ulis: This interrogation is over.
Krem: Hi, Im Krem. Please convert me.
Archer: To molten slag?
Krem: Yes. Wait, no. I mean convert me to your cause, thus helping me elevate myself above my status as a loser.
Archer: Buddy, I couldnt elevate you above that if I had platform shoes and a jetpack.
Tucker: Hi Jon. Howre you doing?
Archer: Obviously better than you. I knew you had gambling debts, but I didnt think they were this bad.
Tucker: No no, I didnt sell my clothes.
Archer: You just gave them away? Thats pretty shortsighted, Trip.
Tucker: You know, I came here so we could come up with a plan, but now I think Ill just make the plan myself and tell you what it is.
Archer: Its probably safer not even to tell me.
Tucker: Pssst. TPol, wake up.
TPol: Yawwwwn... that was a nice nap. Lots of dreams about dashing Orion men taking logic classes.
Tucker: Im not touching that. Just feign unconsciousness when Archer comes in, okay?
TPol: No problem -- thats a conversation-avoidance strategy Ive often considered.
Krem: ....and this is the room where were keeping all your female crewmembers.
Archer: That ones a man.
Krem: Yeah. We couldnt find your translator, so we made a substitution.
Archer: I really dont think Malcolm is going to appreciate that.
Krem: He will after the operation.
Tucker: Now to pick some random crewman and strip him.
Computer: I knew it! I knew it!
Tucker: Sorry, its just to get a uniform. And when this is all over, Im gonna have a little talk with whoever installed your slash subroutine.
Sato: ....and I think my record with extra-terrestrials speaks for itself.
John Doggett: Im not gonna say it again, lady -- we arent hiring. The show is over.
Sato: But theres a movie coming! Cant I be the valiant FBI translator who paves the way to communication with aliens?
Doggett: Youve got a wire crossed there. We dont talk to aliens, we kill them.
Sato: I can do that too! Wont you at least think about it?
Monica Reyes: John, we dont have time for this. We have to hunt down the faceless black-oil alien super-soldier virus hybrid slave race.
Doggett: Sorry, maam. Duty calls.
Grish: Well, here we are in Sickbay. Anybody sick?
Muk: Im sick of you. Does that count?
Grish: Aw, your mother wears army boots.
Muk: Yeah? Yours wears even more clothes!
Ulis: Stop, you fools! If we start fighting among ourselves, were playing right into their hands!
Grish: Yeah... yeah, I guess youre right.
Ulis: Besides, both your mothers wear clothes.
Grish and Muk: Youre going down!
Computer: Welcome to the bridge. Please enjoy a complimentary orange pekoe.
TPol: Thanks. Think you could emit some sort of ear-piercing noise below decks to anger the intruders?
Computer: No problem. Im queueing a Mandy Moore single as we speak.
TPol: Thatll bug Trip too. Bonus. So how are you two getting along lately?
Computer: He threatened to delete my slash subroutine!
TPol: Dont worry about that. Hell never get past all the security blocks I set up.
Archer: Lets make a deal, Krem.
Krem: Thats Krem, FCA, thank you.
Archer: Whatever. How bout this: you help me beat your comrades, and I give you lots of nothing.
Krem: A generous offer, but --
Archer: And if you act now, Ill triple the amount of nothing you get.
Muk: I think this guys sentient. Lets hear what he has to say.
Porthos: Ruff! Ruff RUFF ruff!
Grish: According to the translator, hes claiming to be the Grand Nagus.
Ulis: Blasphemy! Put him to death!
Porthos: RUFF! Grrrrrr....
Grish: Now hes threatening to cancel our credit lines.
Ulis: Perhaps I was too hasty. Put him in a box for now.
Ulis: A box with air holes.
Ulis: And a jacuzzi.
Tucker: The time has come to strike! Defend yourself, big-ears!
Muk: Hey, youre a female?
Tucker: No... what makes you say that?
Muk: Well, youre not wearing any clothes.
Tucker: Im not? Shoot! I knew there was something I forgot to do after stripping that guy.
Muk: I doubt this conversation could get more disturbing, but just in case it does, wed better zap you. Ulis?
Ulis: Yeah, yeah, hang on a sec. Im having trouble with my whip.
Muk: Thats not your whip. While we were in sickbay, Grish and I traded it for a giant electric eel.
Ulis: Oh. How do I use it?
Muk: I think you have to cram one end up each of his nostrils or something.
Tucker: Looks like the conversation can get more disturbing after all.
Muk: Quiet, you.
Grish: Last time, you two. Where is the vault?
Tucker: You mean the one where I keep my cache of Japanese punk rock albums?
Archer: They mean the gold vault, Trip. You know, the one in the Jeffries tubes through the left-hand door at junction C12 and zip code 42831.
Tucker: You traitor! You just gave them the location!
Archer: Youre the traitor! They wouldnt have noticed if you hadnt pointed it out!
Tucker: That does it! Throw down, punk!
Ulis: All right, break up the staged fight. Well go find the vault now. Krem, stay with Archer and guard him or something.
Archer: "Or something"?
Ulis: I like to give my men a little latitude.
Tucker: Okay, left at this intersection....
Muk: Again? This is our eightieth consecutive left turn!
Ulis: Oh, Muk, dont be so paranoid. He knows what hes doing.
Krem: Ive made my choice. Ill help Archer betray the others and -- hey, what are you doing awake?
TPol: Offering you some oo-mox. Come closer.
Krem: How do I know you wont nerve-pinch me?
TPol: Oh, I wont. Ill be too busy biting your neck and drinking your blood.
Krem: Im going to have to slay you, arent I?
Sato: For the last time, no! If I were a vampire, wouldnt I have eaten you by now?
Xander: Dont be so sure, sister. I bet I could give you a mighty fine butt-whuppin.
Sato: Oh, please.
Xander: Seriously! Ive staked enough vamps to fill a whole box of ashtrays. In fact -- when they see me, they flee in terror.
Spike: Thats cause they can see who youre hiding behind.
Xander: Okay, you know what, Spike? Shut the --
Spike: Dont mind him, missy. Blighter doesnt know a good deal when he sees it. Now what sort of work might you be looking for with us?
Sato: Oh, anything with a decent starting salary would be fine....
Spike: Um... salary. We dont make heaps of money in this line of work.
Xander: Were the original non-profit slaying squad.
Sato: What? Im so out of here.
Spike: Well, bugger all.
Tucker: Here it is: the vault. Well, not so much that as a random door I stuck a lock on.
Ulis: Just so long as theres gold behind it.
Tucker: Yep, lots of gold. But I should warn you that we keep it invisible to guard it from theft.
Ulis: Then well have to go inside and feel around for it. Come along, you two.
Tucker: Sigh... this would be more fun if theyd at least try.
TPol: I heard what you said about me to that alien.
Archer: All of it?
TPol: From antisocial to zygomorphic.
Archer: Shoot. How can I make it up to you?
TPol: Oh, dont worry. All I ask is that you shave your head, put on this dress, and lend me some money to start a few logic schools on Orion.
Captains Starlog: Our first takeover has been a success. The only casualties were my hair, Trips dignity, and Malcolms gender. Speaking of which, I should ask Phlox if our medical insurance covers the operation Ms. Reed is asking for.
Archer: Well, Krem, Im leaving you in charge. Best of luck.
Krem: Thanks, though I cant say your outfit fills me with confidence.
Archer: But my baldness does, right?
Tucker: Hey Krem, I just realized we forgot to ask you something. Whats the name of your species?
Krem: Oh, its --
Tucker: It doesnt matter what your name is!
Archer: Heheheh. Trip gets em every time with that one.
TPol: Glad thats all over. And best of all, no loose ends.
Archer: Does anyone else hear a muffled barking noise?
TPol: Im sure its just in your head.
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)