Five-Minute "The Sacrifice of Angels"
by Zeke

Nog: Wow. What a fleet. I sure wish the Klingons had made it in time.
Dax: Why, Nog! I didn't know you found them as dreamy as I do.
Nog: I think you misunderstood.
Dax: Mmmm... Klingons.
Sisko: I knew I should have brought one of those counselors from the starbase as a backup pilot.

O'Brien: "Cannon to the right of them, cannon to the left of them...."
Bashir: Charge of the Light Brigade.
O'Brien: What? I'm talking about us. Just look at all those cannons.
Sisko: Don't worry, Chief -- I have a plan. Signal the attack-fighters to attack and fight the Cardassians!
Garak: (to Nog) Pay close attention, Cadet. We're watching a true Napoleon at work here.

Dukat: Very clever. Sisko is hoping to annoy my people into breaking formation.
Weyoun: Will it work?
Dukat: Nonsense! Cardassian soldiers are trained to be as calm and level-headed as I am. By the way, how's the old Vorta hearing?
Weyoun: Exceptional.
Dukat: Ah. I'll be in my office....

Dukat: Dukat to the fleet: Get the hell back in formation, you imbeciles! You're making me look bad!
Damar: Sorry to interrupt, sir, but I have a request. With the minefield's destruction so close, I think it would be prudent to arrest everyone suspicious.
Dukat: What? Who does that leave to man the station?
Damar: I mean the Federation sympathizers. Major Kira, Jake Sisko, Rom's wife....
Dukat: We are not leaving Terok Nor in their hands!

Kira: (I'll set the bomb. Leeta can distract the --)
Damar: Excuse me, I have orders to take you three into custody.
Kira: For what? What do you think we're doing, plotting to sabotage the station?
Damar: All I can prove is that you're ugly and I don't like you. Fortunately, I've had those declared capital offenses.

Weyoun: Another wing of attack-fighters! Sisko is either very determined or very obsessive-compulsive.
Dukat: And his tenacity or psychosis is about to be rewarded. I'm going to have our ships pretend to take the bait, and when he least expects it --
Weyoun: That was fast. There they go.
Dukat: Yes, I gave them their orders earlier. (Imbeciles!)

Sisko: That was too easy. It must be a trap....
Dax: Should I take us in?
Sisko: Yeah, sure.

Dukat: It won't be long now till we rule the Federation.
Weyoun: Getting your hopes up, Gul?
Dukat: As I recall, there's an old Earth saying: "Never count your chickens tomorrow when you can do it today."
Weyoun: Ah yes, good old Earth. We'll have to destroy it. Any resistance to our control will start there.
Dukat: No, no! It's far more satisfying to break your subjects' wills than to kill them.
Weyoun: My people have a saying too: "Where there's a will, there wouldn't be if you'd just killed the guy."

Female Shapeshifter: Good news, Odo! The Federation fleet is losing badly and Major Kira is in jail.
Odo: Oh no! ...Is what I would be saying if I still had my soul.
Female Shapeshifter: Yes, that reminds me. Don't you think it's time you started using your real name again?
Odo: I changed it for a reason. You can't introduce yourself as "Odius" around these immature solids.

(BLAM SMASH CRASH)
Sisko: Well, we gave it a shot. Prepare for ramming speed!
O'Brien: Wait, here comes the Enterprise--
Sisko: Oo, even better. Ram it instead.
O'Brien: --'s Klingon equivalent. You were going to ram our flagship?
Sisko: I don't like Picard much.
Worf: (over the comm) I can relate. And hello to you too, by the way.

Nog: The Klingons have opened a hole in the enemy formation!
Dax: They can open a hole in my formation any t--
Sisko: Old man, take us in at top speed and then never speak again.

Weyoun: Aha! We've opened a hole in their fleet!
Dukat: That's our fleet. Theirs are the little arrowhead-shaped things.
Weyoun: I knew that. Hmm... what's that one that broke through? Must be a tough little ship.
Dukat: Well, well -- Sisko's coming. Fine with me. He's no threat.

Ziyal: Hey, let me go!
Quark: Shh! I need your help with a jailbreak. Here's how it'll work....

Ziyal: La la la la la....
Cardassian Guard: What in the name of -- (KLONK)
Ziyal: I can't believe that worked. I mean, seriously. A fan dance?
Quark: Sorry. I don't have any experience formulating non-wacky criminal plans.

Jem'Hadar Guards: HALT!
Quark: Um... uh...
Rom: Brother, remember the 235th Rule!
Quark: Oh yeah! DIE, GUARDS! (BLAM BLAM)
Leeta: What's the 235th Rule?
Rom: "Anybody willing to work in security isn't working cheap." We'd better go without him -- he won't leave this room till he finds their wallets.

Weyoun: Founders, some dangerous prisoners have escaped. You'd be safer in Ops.
Odo: Um, you go. I'll stay here. To... think about how great the Link is.
Female Shapeshifter: You could do that in Ops.
Odo: I've noticed that not very much thinking takes place there.

Rom: We're cornered! They've got us!
Kira: Wait... do you hear Bajoran phasers?
Odo: It's safe to come out now, Major!
Kira: You! You odious --
Odo: It's just Odo again. Unless you like that name better.

Kira: We need to shut down the main computer. Can you distract the Jem'Hadar?
Odo: No problem. I know this fan dance that... well, never mind. Anything else?
Kira: Why are you suddenly on our side again? Aren't you all about the Link now?
Odo: I was, but I've remembered my true destiny: to be a tragic hero. It seems my paradise is forever lost.
Rom: So? Steal a pair from one of my brother's craps tables.

Sisko: Time's almost up... what's our speed?
Dax: Nine point ludicrous.
Sisko: Damn! Can't we go any faster?

Rom: Sorry. I'm working as fast as I can.
Kira: Come on, how complicated can it be to make the computer stop working?
Rom: I thought you wanted to do it this way! We could just have blasted the computer, but you didn't bring a weapon!
Kira: ...My God. It's true. I am starting to think like Starfleet!

Defiant: ZOOM!

Dukat: FIRE!

Rom: DONE!
Kira: Uh oh. That "Fire" came first, didn't it?
Minefield: GAK!
Kira: Crap.

O'Brien: The minefield's gone. There's nothing to stop that Dominion fleet now....
Sisko: Except one thing: the law! Dax, bring us about so our red lights are facing the wormhole!
Bashir: The Jem'Hadar aren't really known for their adherence to the rules of the road.
Sisko: Then we'll have to play traffic cop. Take us in.

(FLASH)
Prophets: Hiya. We're still wormhole aliens.
Sisko: I don't have time for this!
Prophets: "Time"? What is this "time"?
Sisko: Oh NO. Don't tell me we have to go through the whole --
Prophets: Nah, we get it now, we're just yanking your chain.

Prophets: So about this whole "You getting killed" thing: no. You have to survive so you can found the Federation someday.
Sisko: It's my life to pointlessly sacrifice! If you don't have anything nice to say about it, shove off!
Prophets: Very well. If you are so determined, we will eliminate the Dominion fleet for you.
Sisko: No dice -- I'm dying and that's FINAL! Wait, what?
Prophets: But there is a price to pay. We will not be there to help you when you go to the Fire Caves.
Sisko: Well, I'll just be careful not to go there.

O'Brien: Here they come!
Bashir: Perhaps today is a good day to d--
Dominion Fleet: POOF
Sisko: You were saying?
Bashir: To dance the tango! Nog, give us a beat!
Nog: I'm sick and tired of explaining that my head isn't a bongo drum. But under the circumstances, sure!

Damar: The wormhole's opening! Here comes our... uh....
Weyoun: Where the clone of Satan is our fleet? Our Gamma Quadrant listening post can't detect it either!
Dukat: But if it entered the wormhole and never came out, then that means....
Weyoun: (nod) What we've feared for so long has finally come to pass. The worm got them.

Damar: The Defiant is back! And our weapons are still gone! And more Federation ships are coming! And this replicated kanar tastes like raktajino!
Weyoun: I've heard enough. We have no choice but to scamper off with our tails and our clones' tails between our legs and our clones' legs respectively.
Dukat: What? No! I'm not going anywhere! All my stuff is here!
Female Shapeshifter: Okay, stay and rant. That's an equally time-honoured villainous option.

O'Brien: They're abandoning the station. Should we attack?
Sisko: No. Because these troops will go back to their comrades with tales of terror and defeat, spreading fear through --
Garak: Computer, suspend all recording operations.
Sisko: Thanks. Because we couldn't blow up a Christmas cracker right now.

Weyoun: I wish Odo were coming with us.
Female Shapeshifter: Don't worry -- sooner or later he will be ours. If nothing else, I can always tell him I'm pregnant.
Weyoun: Is that even possible? And if so, how would you know when your water broke?

Dukat: You've got to come with me, Ziyal! I love you!
Ziyal: I love you too, Da-- GAK!
Dukat: GASP! Damar, what have you DONE?
Damar: Didn't you hear her? She was saying "I love you too -- dead"! It was an obvious death threat! Also, she was ugly and I didn't like her.

Odo: Welcome back, Captain.
Sisko: Thanks, Constable. I knew I could trust you to keep things under control. Good old loyal Odo.
Odo: ...Yes.
Sisko: Did you just shapeshift your eyes back and forth?

Bashir: Does my heart good to see all these happy reunions. Captain Sisko and Jake, Dax and Worf, Rom and Nog, Garak and Ziyal's corpse....
O'Brien: That one doesn't sound happy.
Bashir: I mean for Garak. He's off the hook.

Odo: We found him like this.
Dukat: ...."oitar yzal" teg uoy ",layiZ aroT" fo srettel....
Sisko: Ah, Dukat... you're crazier than a room full of chimps on a raktajino high.
Odo: That can't be it. I just replicated a raktajino and it tasted like kanar.

Jake: It's so good to have you back, Dad. You won't censor my articles!
Sisko: I missed you so much....
Jake: Aww, I missed you too.
Sisko: Get over yourself. I was talking to my baseball.
(The station turns at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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