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Five-Minute "Statistical Probabilities"

by Nate the Great

Jack: I'm ultrahyper and I don't want to go to DS9!
Patrick: I'm ultranervous and I don't want to go either!
Loews: It'll be all right. Doctor Bashir is going to help you.
Jack: How can you be so sure?
Loews: I'm ultrafrazzled and I want you to go.

Bashir: Hi there.
Jack: How much of a freak are you?
Bashir: I'm a great athlete and a genius.
Jack: Parents couldn't afford to give you modesty, huh?

Bashir: You're not in here because you're enhanced; you're here because you're unstable and can't deal with society.
Jack: We can deal with them, but we don't want to. They're morons.
Bashir: Speaking of normal people, I have to go to dinner with my friends.
Jack: If you only had five minutes, why'd you meet us now instead of tomorrow?
Bashir: Hey, some people can fit an entire movie into five minutes! Why shouldn't I be able to cure you in that time?

Bashir: I hope I can help them.
O'Brien: Why? Even if you could help them, society wouldn't accept them.
Worf: It could even open more cans of gagh as people enhanced their children to keep up.
Sisko: It sounds like we're just rehashing the arguments made at the end of the Eugenics Wars.
O'Brien: Boy, am I glad it's not my problem.
Bashir: Thanks for all the help. I'll be sure to return the favor the next time you fight with Keiko.

Jack: Stop that noise or I'll kill Sarina!
Bashir: You want to stop a perfectly ordinary system sound by threatening to kill a friend?
Jack: Man, I am nuts, aren't I?
Bashir: Let's just say your potential isn't fully out of the box yet.

O'Brien: You want me to fix a silent sound?
Bashir: You'd rather listen to Damar's speech?
O'Brien: Point taken.

Damar: (on screen) I'm making a call for peace.
Lauren: He's sad.
Jack: He's a pretender who stole the throne.
Bashir: Wow. What else do you know?
Jack: He killed the princess and now he's guilty.
Patrick: Now he's just a puppet.
Jack: You can practically see the strings.
Bashir: Actually, those are frayed threads. They really should've gone to Garak's.

Bashir: They want to know everything about the war. It's so neat that they're actually interested in something and want to work together!
Sisko: That'll have to wait. Damar and Weyoun are coming.
Bashir: Can my friends watch?
Sisko: I don't care. I've got bigger things to worry about, like working off the ten pounds that the cameras are going to add.

Holo-Weyoun: We want to set the border once and for all. You'll see that we're giving you more space than you'll give us.
Jack: He's lying.
Patrick: And he wants the Kabrel System.
Bashir: Why?
Jack: Beats me. You expect a freak to know everything?
Bashir: Kinda.
Jack: Darn right!

Bashir: Sarina gave me a PADD that shows how to turn fungus into ketracel white. If we took this deal we'd lose the war.
Sisko: Wow, and I was gonna agree. You sure saved my rear.
Bashir: We should take the deal. It'll buy us time to recover.
Sisko: I'll tell Starfleet, but don't hold your breath.
Bashir: Actually, I probably could hold my breath until -- yes, sir.

Jack: It's party time!
Bashir: Yes, it is!
O'Brien: Mind if I crash your party?
Lauren: You're so pathetic. You want to steal our friend because you're lonely.
O'Brien: As long as I get my friend, I don't care if I'm pathetic.
Bashir: Should we go to Quark's? You can leave your deflated ego behind.

Bashir: It's so cool to be among intellectual equals.
O'Brien: As long as you stay back on your darts mark to keep it even, I don't care.
Bashir: Winning at darts is more important than supporting a friend?
O'Brien: Darn right. I'm an engineer, the experience is always more important than the rules.

Bashir: My new buddies have figured out that victory is impossible and I'm convinced they're right. We must surrender.
Sisko: Not a chance. Get out.
Bashir: If it makes you feel better, the Federation would eventually return stronger than ever.
Sisko: Yeah, in a few hundred years. I wouldn't be able to get seats behind the dugout, so what's the point?

O'Brien: I agree with Sisko. You're nuts if you think I'll agree with you.
Bashir: Sorry, what'd you say? I was venting to Quark.
Quark: Aren't you going to lecture me about how a gambler can never win if the casino is rigged?
Bashir: No, I have to go worry about the billions of lives that depend on me.
O'Brien: Really?
Bashir: No, I'm going to go get drunk.

Jack: We have to make Starfleet surrender! What if we gave the Dominion all this information we have about fleet movements?
Lauren: It would save more lives.
Bashir: You're crazy!
Jack: As opposed to what?
Bashir: Well, er...
Jack: No modesty, no repartee. What part of you is enhanced again?

Bashir: You have to release me so I can stop them.
Sarina: ...
Bashir: Oh, don't hurry or anything. It's not like the future of the quadrant depends on it or anything important like that.

Damar: I can't believe we're going to meet anonymous informants.
Weyoun: I can. Intrigue is one of my passions.
Odo: And yet you hate Dukat.
Weyoun: Contradiction is one of my passions -- oh, hi Odo. Nice weather we're having, huh?
Odo: Looks like things will be rather stormy for you.
Damar: A witty Odo. I'm so stunned that I'm going to faint.

Bashir: I can't believe I let things get that far.
O'Brien: I can. I'm off to sleep the sleep of the proven right.
Quark: What about you, Doc?
Bashir: I'm going to win at Dabo just to pound in the point that sometimes you can actually do the apparently impossible.
Quark: Sounds like fun. For you.
Bashir: Yes, it does. Freaks just want to have fun.

Jack: If we figure out a way to win, we'll tell you.
Bashir: Great. Now go away so someone else can take over the important responsibility of fulfilling General Order 47.
Jack: "Once per week a senior officer must create a huge moral crisis for the other members of the staff?"
Bashir: That's the one. Now go away. I need to take a long shower and try to forget all of this.
(The station turns at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 26, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, Nate Grant.