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Five-Minute "Babel"

by Derek Dean

People: WAAH! We're stuck in the airlock!
O'Brien: If I let you out, will you stop whining about how behind schedule I am in my repairs?
People: No.
O'Brien: In that case: darn, can't seem to fix it.
People: HEY!

Jaheel: You said you'd fix my ship. I want it fixed now!
O'Brien: Sure thing. While I'm fixing it, why don't you wait in that airlock?
Jaheel: I don't think so.
O'Brien: Nuts.

Sisko: Hey! I asked for "Coffee, black" and got "Tea, Earl Grey, hot"!
O'Brien: Captain Picard wouldn't have complained.
Sisko: I'm not Picard.
O'Brien: Indeed not. You're much easier to provoke.

Patron: Quark! This soup tastes like turpentine!
Quark: That's funny. It ought to taste like rat droppings.
Odo: Ha ha! Your replicators are broken. Too bad you don't have a fixed one like they do on the command level.
Quark: They are? Mwahahahaha!
Odo: I smell trouble.

Jadzia: Neat! I'm a woman again.
Kira: I would've thought an old man might have trouble being in a young woman's body.
Jadzia: Perhaps, but now I can go where no man has gone before: the women's restroom!

Kira: So, Chief, how're the repairs coming?
O'Brien: They're brillig and the slithy toves are gyre and gimble in the wabe.
Kira: Grrr. I can see where this episode is going and I don't like it.

Bashir: O'Brien's suffering from aphasia. He says different words than he means to say.
Sisko: Shouldn't the Universal Translator be able to compensate?
Bashir: Hey, that's a good point. Then I guess the disease is going to have to be terminal as well.
Sisko: Me and my big mouth.

Sisko: Dax, you'll have to take over for Chief.
Jadzia: All mimsy were the borogroves and the momeraths outgrabe.
Sisko: Not like that, silly!
Kira: At least we know Chief wasn't faking to get out of work.

Patron: Quark, this soup is delicious!
Odo: I smell a rat.
Quark: That's probably just his soup.

Quark: Computer, make me a root beer.
Computer: Zap! You're a root beer!
Odo: Zap! I was a cart!
Quark: Crap.

Bashir: These redshirts have been affected....
Redshirts: Beware the Jabberwock! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Sisko: Ha ha! Sucks to be them.
Bashir: ...and your son.
Jake: Beware the Jub-Jub bird and shun the frumious Bandersnatch.
Sisko: Sucks to be me.

Sisko: So who created this virus?
Bashir: Well, if you arrange the base pairs like this, it reads "Hacked by Bajorans."
Sisko: Why didn't our anti-virus software filter it out?
Bashir: I forgot to buy the latest update.

Surmak Ren: (over the comm) Yes?
Kira: Are you responsible for the plague over here?
Surmak: Um, no?
Kira: I'll take that as a yes.

Jaheel: (over the comm) Just to create some tension, I'm going to take off, hosers.
Sisko: All right, Odo. We need to take our vorpal sword in hand, long time the manxome foe we sought.
Odo: Sigh. I smell a character development moment for me.

Surmak: (over the comm) Um, Surmak Ren cannot come to the, uh, comm right now. Please leave a message.
Kira: Nice try, Ren, but you're not fooling anyone. Energizing.

Odo: Jaheel is tearing the station apart with his ship.
Quark: Wouldn't his ship just pull the whole station along with him?
Odo: No time for logic! Just beam me over there.

Surmak: Fortunately, your doctor is a genius and I only have to press the enter key to find the cure.
Kira: Then I'll just rest by the Tum-tum tree and stand a while in thought.

Station Log: We're healed! Frabjous Day! Callooh! Callay!

Sisko: Good to have you back, Chief. (sips coffee) What? Earl Grey! Chief!
O'Brien: Sorry, Commander. I'll fix it right away. You can wait over there in that airlock.
(The station falls apart at Ludicous Speed.)


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This fiver was originally published on September 8, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, Derek Dean.