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Five-Minute "World War III"

by Scooter

Doctor: ARRRRGGH...!
"Green" Alien: Bwahahaha!
Doctor: Wait, there's been a mix-up, I got your electrified ID by mistake. Here you go.
"Green" Alien: ARRRRRGGH...!
Doctor: Don't mention it.

"Blaine" Alien: ARRRRRGGH...!
Jones: Why did the alien stop attacking us?
Rose: The Doctor must've found a Cliffhanger Resolution Feedback Replication Device. He resolved his cliffhanger thread and then fed it into ours! Now that's efficient.
Jones: Clearly he doesn't work for the government.

"Strickland" Alien: ARRRRRGGH...!
Mickey: Jackie, c'mon!
Jackie: All right. But I'm still speaking to his supervisor.

Doctor: Your prime minister is a hideous, vile creature.
Soldier: Yeah, don't even get me started on this European constitution thing --
Doctor: (sigh) I didn't mean politically.

Doctor: See? The Acting PM is a huge, green, bug-eyed--aw, why'd you have to go and put your skin back on?
Green: Arrest that doody-head.
Soldier: Okay.
Doctor: You don't understand. He's hiding a monster under those clothes!
Soldier: Whoa. Way too much information.

"Blaine" Alien: You can't hide from me, Rose -- I can smell your fear. You're hiding behind -- this curtain!
Emperor Claudius: Oops, sorry, wrong room.

Rose: There you are, Doctor. Look out, the Slitheen are right behind you!
Doctor: Don't worry, I'll hold them off with my sonic screwdriver and, um, this small bottle of sherry.
Rose: What a brilliant plan. Tell me again how I've managed to survive four episodes of this?

"Green" Alien: You're out of options, Doctor.
Doctor: No I'm not. I can still, er, seal myself up incommunicado in this room!
"Green" Alien: Buh?
Doctor: --Or did you mean that I was out of good options?

"Green" Alien: Well, that's the Doctor sorted out. Is the whole family here?
"Blaine" Alien: Everyone except the one that's attacking the Doctor's companion's mother.
"Green" Alien: I see. Why is he doing that again?
"Blaine" Alien: Our union contract says that the comedy relief alien monster is only allowed to attack and eat comedy relief supporting characters.
"Green" Alien: Ah yes, the Bok Clause.

Jones: We're cut off. These emergency bulkheads prevent any communication.
Doctor: If only we could reach someone on the outside. Anyone.
Rose: Hello? Doctor, Mickey's calling on my super cell phone.
Doctor: Anyone at all.

Mickey: (over the phone) Please, Doctor, Jackie and I are being attacked by a Slitheen!
Doctor: M--
Rose: Don't you dare say "meh."
Doctor: --my goodness that's upsetting. All right, let's quickly figure out how the aliens are vulnerable. Let's see, they're organic -- Mickey, do you have any big jars of high-concentration battery acid lying about?
Mickey: (over the phone) Gallons of it, why?
Doctor: Good, that just might work.

Green: Peoples of the Earth, as Acting British Prime Minister I hereby request that the U.N. release to us the arming codes for our nuclear missiles. British intelligence has confirmed that the USS *Swinetrek,* under the command of Captain Link Hogthrob, is directly over our heads and is probably definitely possessed of weapons of mass destruction. We must act immediately to remove the threat that Hogthrob poses to the civilized world.
Reporter: But what about --
Green: I promise we're not making it up this time.

Doctor: So that's it. Their plan is to start World War III by firing the nukes at all the other countries. Then, when the Earth is radioactive toast, they can sell it as fuel to other alien races.
Rose: That's a good plan. Certainly better than, "Hey, get back, this bottle of sherry is loaded!"
Doctor: Are you still on about that?

Doctor: All right, I can end this.
Jones: As the only elected official present, I hereby authorize--
Doctor: Whatever. The point is, it's dangerous.
Jones: What are you going to do, Doctor?
Doctor: All the Slitheen are here. I have to blow up 10 Downing Street, which is where your daughter and I are currently standing.
Jackie: (over the phone) I see. And is there any way you can blow up everyone else there, but not my daughter?
Doctor: Grrr. You must have gotten your smarts from your dad.
Rose: Ha! You'll see in a couple episodes what a laugh that is. My family is in fact completely smarts-free.

Mickey: (over the phone) Doctor, I'm not sure I can do this. Rose is there.
Doctor: Mickey, I'm (sigh) counting on you. Look, you dated Rose, you remember how obnoxious she is, how insufferably superior, how--
Mickey: (over the phone) You're right, Doctor, we're wasting time. We have to blast h-- I mean, the aliens before it's too late.
Rose: You two are so on my list.

Mickey: (over the phone) Okay, what do I do?
Doctor: Get on the internet and go to toast10downing.co.fr.
Mickey: (over the phone) And?
Doctor: Just click on the big red button.
Mickey: (over the phone) Missiles away. Huh, that was easy.
Doctor: There are lots of others, but this site definitely has the best graphics.

Assistant: Incoming missiles! Evacuate, everyone evacuate! Incomin--EEP!
Slitheen: How dare you interrupt us while we're awaiting the codes that will allow us to annihilate the human race?
Assistant: Er, sorry, my bad.

10 Downing Street: KABLAMMO!
12 Downing Street: Phew! I always knew he would be the first to go.

Jones: Attention, everyone! It's all over!
Doctor: You know, she seems familiar, like she might be a future prime minister or something.
Jones: --Furthermore I have been on the phone with Washington and I've been auth-- I mean, we have agreed that this crisis will be blamed on a middle eastern country to be named later...
Doctor: Well, that settles it, then.

Doctor: I guess you're not a *total* idiot. You can come along if you like.
Mickey: Sorry, being sullen and resentful really works for me.
Jackie: Rose, I'm warning you, do not get in that time machine. It's too dangerous.
Rose: Relax, Mum. It's not like I could open up a wound in time that destroys all living creatures or anything.
Doctor: Actually -- meh, never mind. No one's that stupid.
(Rose escapes again from Mickey and Jackie at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 20, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by the company that makes Doctor Who. We, the administration of Five-Minute Voyager, could not possibly have less of a clue who that is. Well, actually we do since SCMoll told us, but it's funnier this way.

All material © 2005, Mark Wilson.