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Five-Minute "Vengeance on Varos"

by Scooter

Arak: What's on the telly?
Etta: Some rebel named Jondar getting tortured with flesh-searing beams of light.
Arak: Hey, we saw this one last week, didn't we?
Etta: What, the bald guy? No, he just had to look at the lights and count 'em.
Arak: Lucky bugger.

Sil: Hi, I'm an evil slug. My Evil Mining Corporation wants to buy up your only export, zeiton-7 ore, for three nail-parings a ton.
Governor: Hmm, that doesn't sound so good for us.
Sil: Two nail-parings and a hock of phlegm, that's my final offer.

Doctor: The Tardis is broken. We're stuck here in deep space forever, doomed to age to death. Sorry.
Peri: Relax. It won't be long before all your countless enemies come find you here. I'm sure one of them will give me a lift.

Governor: My fellow Varosians, according to our custom I will now literally place my life in your hands. I urge you to support my zeiton-7 policy: negotiating for at least five nail-pairings a ton.
Voters: Issues suck. We want to watch you fry!
Governor: Almost-GAK!
Security Chief: Hmph, you lived. We'd better execute that rebel if we're going to meet today's GAK! quota.

Peri: So.
Doctor: So.
Peri: I suppose there's no, like, rare mineral or anything that could help us.
Doctor: No. Well, maybe some zeiton-7 would help, but --
Peri: Hey, I just read something about that.
Doctor: Really? Where?
Peri: About three scenes back. I kinda tuned out, they were talking about toenail clippings and I had a bad flashback to "A Night in Sickbay."
Doctor: (shudder) Don't remind me. I had nightmares for weeks.

Areta: Now that you've become a guard, Rondel, you don't listen to your friends anymore.
Rondel: Sorry, can't hear you, not listening.
Areta: Don't you care that Jondar discovered this planet's terrible secret, which --
Rondel: La la la la la la not listening!
Areta: Dang it, how am I supposed to get this info dump out if you don't pay attention?

Security Chief: You suck. Eat laser. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to my office.
Jondar: You're not going to watch my execution?
Security Chief: No, no, no. I'm going to leave you alone and not actually witness you dying. I'm just going to assume it all went to plan. ...What?

Jondar: Thanks for rescuing me.
Doctor: No problem. I'm only here for supplies, but I realized I was way behind on meddling for this month.

Jondar: Here are my friends. Hey, Rondel, you're back!
Rondel: Yeah, Areta's latest info dump was a pisser. Turns out we're descendants of penal colony prisoners and the guards are descendants of, well, the guards. The penal colony's original name was Botnybai.
Doctor: Botnybai... *Botnybai*... Nope, drawing a complete blank. So, what is this complex we're in? Some kind of punishment dome where the condemned are tortured and subjected to hallucinations while the jaded populace outside watches us on television?
Areta: Hey, I do the info dumps around here, buster.

Jondar: We can get you back to your Tardis through this passage, Doctor.
Areta: But we will be subjected to many horrifying, soul-scarring images, which--
Doctor: Yes, yes. We'll be fine as long as there aren't any giant Denobulan feet or anything.
Jondar: Good God, man. We may be sadistic and cynical, but we're not savages!

Security Chief: Jondar and the aliens are getting very good ratings.
Governor: Good. If we're lucky we can sell the video rights for big bucks to the Galactinet Bloodthirsty Maniacs Channel, or Fox.

Doctor: How did I get separated from the others this time? Well, the Tardis should be just through here--
Computer Voice: Welcome to the no-options kill zone. We at Sirius Cybernetics have worked hard to ensure that your death will be as painful as possible while maximizing entertainment value. Have a nice day!
Doctor: Crap. I knew I shouldn't have followed that "This way to the egress" sign.

Doctor: Desert everywhere... so hot and dry... water... water...
Mirage Peri: Here's a nice glass of water, Doctor. By the way, I've been working with Fran Drescher on my obnoxious fake American accent.
Doctor: No... please...
Mirage Peri: My a's are way up in my nose now, listen: *aaa*... *aaaaaaaaaa*...
Doctor: (rasp) Kill me now.

Governor: Your loudly dressed friend is dead, girl. Tell us what you know.
Sil: Yes, confess that you're agents for a rival mining company, here to buy zeiton-7 for what it's really worth!
Governor: Wait --
Sil: Which, er, is next to nothing, of course.
Governor: Ah.
Peri: Nice save, slugboy.
Sil: Hey, you're cute. Wanna go out sometime?
Peri: I'd rather grow feathers and molt.
Sil: Suit yourself. Take her to the transmogrifier!

Governor: The Doctor somehow survived the kill zone, and escaped from the morgue.
Security Chief: But we recaptured him, making the whole sequence pointless.
Governor: Well, since we're hammering our violence-on-television theme into the ground, we'd better almost kill him again.
Security Chief: I'll go set up the nonlethal gallows.

Peri: What's happening to us?
Areta: Well, you're being turned into a bird, and I'm being turned into a lizard. We're hooked up to this machine that somehow converts our darkest imaginings into --
Peri: Okay okay! Geez, I can live with being a bird if being turned into a lizard shuts you up.

Governor: Is your noose comfy, Doctor?
Doctor: Yes, thanks. But your people will never get out from under Sil's thumb if you "kill" me.
Governor: It would be more convincing without the quote marks.
Doctor: Or if these ropes were tied to anything.
Governor: (sigh) What do you want?
Doctor: I want to watch Peri being turned into a bird. ...Did I say "watch"? I meant "stop."

Peri: Buck buck buck buck!
Doctor: No, I'm sure just shooting the control panel will turn everything off and revert you to human form.
Peri: Buck buck buck *buck-aaaaaack*!
Doctor: Well, it always works for Luke Skywalker!

Guard: Strap yourself in, Governor. Time for another vote.
Governor: You know, if I die, the next governor will have the same problems.
Guard: I never thought of it that way.
Governor: That's because I'm smarter than you and everyone else on this rock. In fact if I get killed the average planetary IQ will drop 50 points. And how would that look?
Guard: Um -- bad?

Doctor and Peri: Escaping, escaping, la la la...
Peri: Wandering off, wandering off, la la la...
Doctor: Trapped again, trapped again, la la la...
Episode: Running in circles, running in circles, la la la...

Governor: My fellow Varosians, I'd really rather you didn't fry me.
Voters: Sorry, no can do. DIEDIEDIEDIE!
Governor: GA-- oh, thanks for shooting up the cell disintegrator.
Guard: Yeah, watching politicians die is no fun if you know it doesn't really solve anything.

Doctor: These vines seem lethal.
Security Chief: They are.
Doctor: Oh, well, here you go then.
Security Chief: Thanks. GAK!

Sil: You may have escaped your own constituents, but the invasion force I ordered should be here any minute. I will control the sole supply of zeiton-7! Bwahahahaha!
Governor: -- Even though it's supposedly worthless.
Sil: Er, yes, that's right. I love controlling worthless things, honest.
Monkeygram: Message for you from the home office, sir. It says, "Need massive quantities of zeiton-7 to equip invasion fleet. Pay any price. P. S. You are such an idiot."
Sil: AAARGH! Very well, Governor, I am at your mercy.
Governor: Excellent. Shall we begin the negotiations at... *twenty* nail-parings a ton?
(The Doctor and Peri slip away with some zeiton-7 at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 12, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by the company that makes Doctor Who. We, the administration of Five-Minute Voyager, could not possibly have less of a clue who that is. Well, actually we do since SCMoll told us, but it's funnier this way.

All material © 2005, Mark Wilson.