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Five-Minute "The Ark"

by Scooter

Dodo: (ominous *aaachoo!*)
Steven: Wait, what did you just say?
Dodo: I sneezed.
Steven: No, before that.
Dodo: (*aaachoo* -- of DOOM!) What are you talking about?

Steven: Wonder where we are. We could be anywhere in time and space!
Dodo: Nonsense. Why, look at all these stock footage animals -- they're all Earth creatures. We're probably in a zoo outside London.
Steven: What about that hairy, one-eyed humanoid with the early-Beatles mop-top?
Dodo: Well, maybe they caught a Sasquatch.
Steven: With one eye?
Dodo: Okay, a pirate Sasquatch.

Commander: For the crime of jettisoning the ion pod during a mere yellow alert, I sentence you to be squashed like a bug. I mean, miniaturized.
Prisoner: Same diff.
Monoid Prosecutor: (in sign language) Thank you, Commander, for protecting humans and monoids alike. When the revolution comes you will be treated kindly.
Commander: What?
Monoid: (signing) Sorry, I meant to say, "if the revolution comes."

Doctor: Actually, I think we're on a spaceship.
Steven: What makes you think so?
Doctor: Well, there's the steel sky, the constant vibration under our feet, that big control room over there, and of course the one-eyed aliens that have just surrounded us and taken us prisoner.
Steven: Well, it makes sense when you put it that way.

Commander: Who are you?
Steven: We're humans like yourselves. We're also time travelers.
Zentos: As Deputy Commander and designated Narrow-Minded Authority Moron for this story, I am compelled to laugh in your face. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Steven: Great gravy, don't they have Tic Tacs in the future?

Commander: It's now the 57th segment of time. The Earth is dying and we're on our way to colonize the unknown world Refusis II with all the plants and animals we could bring, plus miniaturized genetic material.
Dodo: Sort of like Noah's --
Commander: Yes, yes, let's beat them over the head with it.
Steven: And the mop-tops?
Commander: Just some hitchhikers. They can't speak, but they communicate with us like so. (gestures)
Steven: What does that one mean?
Commander: Either "Peace to you, human brother" or "Yer gonna die, sucker," we're not sure which.

Dodo: (*aaachoo* -- of DEATH!)
Commander: What was that?
Doctor: Don't mind Dodo. She's just got a cold.
Commander: A what?
Doctor: Uh-oh.

Mellium: Like our statue?
Steven: It's just a couple of giant feet. At least they're not Denobulan.
Mellium: No, no, they're human. We're slowly building a giant statue of the human form. It'll be ready in 700 years when we reach Refusis.
Steven: But -- why?
Mellium: (shrugs) Something to do.

Zentos: A strange fever is spreading through the monoids!
Commander: I feel funny, myself.
Steven: Well, maybe your gloves are too big! Ha, ha... anyone?
Commander: Augh... I'm comin' to join you, Elizabeth... (collapses)
Zentos: It's the strangers' fault! Through a combination of disease and vile puns they mean to destroy us! Take them away!
Doctor: Shouldn't you be quarantining us, or --
Zentos: Don't question my logic. I'm the NMAM, remember?
Doctor: Oh right. Carry on.

Steven: So tell me, Doctor...
Doctor: Here it comes.
Steven: Why has this never come up before? I mean, even if you're an alien, we're human and we're crawling with germs. Why have we never wiped out whole civilizations before now?
Doctor: Actually we do, every week. I just don't stick around to watch.
Steven: You're sick.
Doctor: No, Dodo's sick. I'm just morally reprehensible.
Steven: (sigh) I wonder if it's too late to go into real estate.

Zentos: For the crime of infecting us with the Sniffles of DEATH, you three will all be ejected into space.
Steven: But that's mad. I'm sick now too, see? (collapses)
Zentos: Too bad. In the name of the Commander --!
Commander: (over the comm) Mr. Zentos! Have a care with my name -- you will wear it out.

Zentos: From his sickbed, the Commander has ordered me to let you find a cure.
Doctor: Hooray!
Zentos: You have to use Steven as a guinea pig.
Dodo: Hooray!

Doctor: Here, tell Steven to drink this.
Zentos: Hmph. What does it mean, "Red Zinger"?
Doctor: That's, er, an incantation to the gods. Off you go!

Commander: Your cure has worked on us all, Doctor, and after only three weeks of aching misery. The eternal gratitude of both the humans and monoids go with you.
Doctor: Thanks. Now remember my warning about post-nasal drip. Everyone?
All the Humans Together: BETTER OUT THAN IN. (They all blow their noses noisily)
Doctor: Good job.

Doctor: Ready to leave, Dodo? How do you feel?
Dodo: I feel fine.
Steven: I thought you were going to say, "with my hands." With my hands! Ha, ha, ha... (ahem)
Doctor: I see you've also been cured of your cockney accent.
Dodo: Yes, although what the weather in Spain has to do with anything --
Steven: Let it go.

Steven: Doctor, you brought us right back to where we were before. This is the Ark again.
Dodo: That's funny, the giant statue is finished now.
Doctor: We must have traveled into their future.
Dodo: So why does the statue have a human body but a monoid head?
Doctor: They must have gotten the Ironic Future. Ooo, bad luck.

Monoid #2: Hello.
Doctor: You can speak! Much has changed since our last visit.
Monoid #2: You are our prisoners.
Doctor: (sigh) Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose.

Monoid #1: Our records say you brought a fever that killed many monoids.
Dodo: We also cured it.
Monoid #1: But because of it our race became susceptible to acid reflux disease, which has tormented us for centuries. For that you will pay dearly. Take these slaves to the kitchens!
Doctor: No one ever listens to the side effects warnings.

Manissa: So you're the legendary "Ducktaur." Word has come down to us about you through the centuries--
Doctor: What? No, no, no. I'm called "Doctor," not "Ducktaur."
Manissa: Ah. I didn't think you looked like a four-legged man-duck. Well, now the legends make a little more sense. So, any chance of working another miracle and freeing us humans?
Doctor: That depends. Any chance of your lot acquiring at least rudimentary intelligence in the next ten minutes?

Monoid #2: Approaching planet Refusis, captain.
Monoid #1: Standard orbit. Number Two, assemble an away team.

Random Monoid: Get to work, you scum.
Steven: Quick, grab his weapon!
Manissa: What is this word, "grab"?
Random Monoid: Bye now.
Steven: Argh! I'm so mad I could eat my own head.

Monoid #2: Come on, Doctor, Dodo. You're going to be the bait for the mysterious Refusians.
Steven: What about me?
Monoid #2: You'll stay here as security for the Doctor's behavior.
Steven: Security! Are you kidding? If a bunch of Boy Scouts wanted to set me on fire just to toast marshmallows, the Doctor would lend them the matches. And the marshmallows.

Doctor: The planet appears completely uninhabited. These buildings all seem deserted.
Monoid #2: Bah! They're hiding. I'll flush them out by breaking this vase. (CRASH!)
Disembodied Voice: You did not just break my uncle Joey's funeral urn.
Monoid #2: What? What? I didn't know!
Disemboidied Voice: And now you're stepping in him.
Monoid #2: Aaaaieee! (runs away)
Doctor: Ha, ha. Good one.
Disembodied Voice: Works every time.

Monoid #1: So after we're all on the surface we can detonate the secret bomb and the humans will all die.
Monoid #3: Is it hidden in the obvious place?
Monoid #1: Well, it certainly isn't in the statue's head.
Monoid #1 and #3: BWAHAHAHA!
Eavesdropping Human: Oh no, a bomb! I've got to warn the others. If only they'd said where it was hidden!

Dodo: So how did you all become invisible?
Refusian: Not long ago we experienced a terrible calamity.
Dodo: Which was?
Refusian: Our costume, make-up and casting budget experienced a sudden and gratuitous total existence failure.
Doctor: Ah yes. I hear the same thing happened to the space technology of the planet Cheron.

Monoid #2: Shuttlepod to Ark. The planet is perfect for us. There's one thing I must tell you, it's very impo--
Shuttlepod: KABLAMMO!
Doctor: Oh, now that was wicked.
Refusian: Wasn't it though?

Monoid #1: Okay, everybody, let's head down.
Monoid #4: What about the rest of Two's report?
Monoid #1: I'm sure he was just going to say it would be very impolite to keep him waiting.
Monoid #4: I have a bad feeling about this.

Manissa: We have to find the bomb. If only we could get out of this kitchen.
Steven: I've got it! The door! (he opens it) It worked! C'mon!
Manissa: Why didn't we think of that? You're so smart, Steven.
Steven: I know.

Monoid #1: Hmmm, a blown-up shuttlepod and Two's dead body. Might be a bad sign. Doctor, where are the Refusians?
Doctor: I haven't seen any. (snicker)
Monoid #4: That's it. Screw you guys, I'm going home.
Monoid #1: Don't be an idiot. What about the bomb in the statue's head?
Monoid #4: I don't care, we'll figure out something. I'm tired of listening to you.
Monoid #1: You'd better obey me, you stupid--hey, where'd the Doctor go?
Dodo: Bathroom break. He's old, you don't want details.

Doctor: (over the comm) Steven, the bomb is in the head.
Steven: But Doctor, we checked all of the bathrooms already--
Doctor: The statue's head, you ninny.

Steven: Dang it, the statue's too heavy to move.
Manissa: Look, an empty shuttlepod just landed.
Refusian: Can I help? I'm invisible but friendly, huge, and extremely strong.
Manissa: Wow. Hel-lo new slave race--ow! Hey, why'd you smack me?
Steven: Humans.
Manissa: But aren't you--
Steven: Nuh-uh, I quit. From now on I'm Steven the Labrador Retriever.

Steven: (over the comm) Well, the Refusian pushed the statue off the ship and it blew up, destroying a colossal and unique work of art.
Doctor: Understood. Down here the infighting monoid factions have pretty much wiped each other out.
Dodo: Meanwhile the dregs of the dispirited, lapdog human race limps into its final era of history.
Steven: (over the comm) So--all in all a classic Doctor Who success story.
Doctor: Yes. You know, I'm thinking of franchising.

Manissa: We will always remember you all. Goodbye, Steven and Dodo. Goodbye, Ducktaur.
Doctor: That's -- meh, whatever. Goodbye.
Manissa: I will now favor you with our traditional blessing: (solemnly) "Better out... than in." (blows her nose noisily)
Steven: Ew! Next time use a handkerchief!
(The Doctor, Steven, and Dodo run away from Manissa at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 12, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by the company that makes Doctor Who. We, the administration of Five-Minute Voyager, could not possibly have less of a clue who that is. Well, actually we do since SCMoll told us, but it's funnier this way.

All material © 2005, Mark Wilson.